How does it feel to be disliked by your whole village
But loved by a world you never got to know

Arles never once treated you with the same beauty as you saw in it
Concern for your wellbeing never came from the people you passed
Not even after they learned that you had taken your last breath
Your memory contained nothing but whispered rumors
They painted the picture of the madman who kept no company
Disregarding the compassion that flowed out of you
Only some knew the truth and what events molded
The trauma that shaped the man who frequented empty fields
Auvers-sur-Oise knew you as a separate man entirely
They stole pieces of you that you did not even have of yourself
Made you their crown jewel, nothing more than a story to keep the town alive
No part of your legacy remained untouched, just as no relationship you’d held stayed pure
Your own doctor claimed your art and in turn your reputation for himself
But how were you to have stopped them
Especially when you were not around to plead for anything different

How does it feel to be disliked by your whole village
But loved by a world you never got to know

Is there somebody who can watch you?
I know that this is my job
But recently i can barely manage to take care of myself
I can't be in this house anymore
So i’ll only stop by to do my laundry
I know i'm supposed to love you
And when i'm around you know i’ve got you
Is there somebody who can love you?

Feed me another lie
It's all you ever tell me anyways
Convince me to stay
It's all you know how to do anyways
Put the blame on me
It's the only thing you do anyway
But baby

When they take me away
Make sure to tell me how cool i look
Because everything else has gone wrong

It never mattered how many secrets i uncovered from you
My view of you never changed
Even in a room full of useless teenagers
Too busy laughing among themselves to realize the tv has turned off
or
Under starry skies when you and me shared the secrets of the universe
You’re the only one who could figure my heart out

How was i to know that your concern wasn’t on the romantics?
How was i to know you live more in your head than here?

In your mind there must be a line between what we do
And what counts as cheating
Your mind circles around this
While mine fantasizes about the idea of holding your hand
No matter how close we get
It stops before it fills your definition
But love i think we’ve already done all the wrong we can
Why not go further
She’s got a boyfriend anyways

Hidden in street corners
Dark alleys
Backseats of cars
It’s a shame your parents don’t know what you get up to
You make me smell like chocolate
Which is a flavor i’ve never really admired
And even mixed in with your smoke rings
I still feel the desire to quit
You or it
I don't really care at this point

Your favorite color is green
This has nothing to do with the color of the grass
Or the color of your favorite socks
Instead it wraps itself around your inability to be happy until you’ve spent your money on fake company
Planting seeds in your brain of all the ways your life could be better with
New clothes
New girls
New drinks
Manipulated so heavily that you cannot even consider pulling yourself out of this loop
You’re too focused on all the other things you could get up to

Trust me babe
You can hate me
And it’ll be okay
Because *******
At least you never stopped loving me

My brain has its own form of colorblindness
Refusing to see anything other than monochromatic shades of black or white
You're either something that i cannot possibly be around another minute
Or i don't want you to leave
It can go from content
To barely controlled anger
In a matter of seconds
But what's worse
Splitting or depersonalizing
How am i supposed to know when i mix them as often as others mix their drinks?
How can my own thought process be just as flawed as my vision?
How am i supposed to tell whether you hate me or not?
How do i think in anything other than extremes?

Count

Count the seconds you hold your breath when her name is mentioned

Count the seconds between i love you and i want to leave

Count the seconds from when the tub filled up to when your brain began to go fuzzy

Count the seconds until you forget what number even comes after one

Count the seconds until they shift into hours or days or years of wasted time

Count the seconds until  you run out of time left to count

Count

Because it's the only thing you have left anymore

There’s nothing between
me
          and
        you
Except c e n t i m e t e r s

Of open air
and
Compared to
Y
      E
           A
    R
          S
Of emotional baggage
That’s a distance that’s easy to overcome

I don't want to be your everything

I just want to make you want to experience everything


I want to be the reason you look up at the stars at night
         and still dream of all the things you could do

The words
Like a melody of chords
Played on a broken piano
That trickled out of her mouth
Like they were the only truth she knew
Still
They decide to visit me
In the hollows of my nights
While i shudder on bathroom floors
Or under shower streams
Mind circling
Around every person
Who’s ever hurt me
And i remember
Every time
These words
Send me running
To a girl
Who spends way too much
Of her time
Reassuring me
That i’ve never been
Anything less than okay to her
But still
Im mumbling
Apology
After
Apology
And
Begging her to run
Because *******
How could those words
Come so easily from her
If they aren’t true
How could she call me that
As if it’s my own name
Assigned to me on a useless sheet of paper
If it isn’t what i am
And i know that
The two of them are not
One
And
The same
But
If she considers me so
Then who’s to say you won’t as well

However
Keeping flowers in your shoes
Is just as impractical
As storing tacs in cereal bowls

We used to tuck each others necklaces away
Symbols of people
We so desperately wanted
The ones who no matter what
We thought we needed

One of us has gotten away from that idea
The other is still trapped there

I’m laughing
But someone
Somewhere
Just flatlined

And we’re so lucky to be here
But someone
Somewhere
Doesn’t feel that way

I’m not going to be around to witness the end of our planet
But someone
Somewhere
Won’t even make it as far as i do

And we’re so ******* finite
But someone
Somewhere
Can still live knowing this

Dating someone with trauma and an eating disorder
Is sometimes dating someone who you
Can't touch
Or
Can't see
Or
Is constantly hidden behind
Shield
After
Shield
Because why should you see the inner working of their mind
If it’s something they’re afraid of themselves

Keep your ******* eyes to yourself

You do not get to dictate to whom i give my time
Nor are you allowed to infer who i am involved with
And no i don't ******* care which person you think i should be with
Last time i checked i was standing here in my own shoes and you in your own
So for once ignore that old saying and do not try to walk in my shoes
If the outcome is going to be your ******* research paper on how i feel about other people
Do not confuse my friendship with someone of anything more than purely platonic
No matter how many small hand touches or lingering signs of affection you think mean anything
My love life is not your ******* criminal investigation do not treat it as such


Keep your ******* eyes to yourself

Built upon the ruins of ****** relatives
And at the very top of this disaster that’s so thoroughly shaped your every waking moment
Sits your mother
On her throne balanced on sin
After sin
After sin
And the dull notion that her bold ideas and words will shape you into the heir that she wants
Because what is the eldest son other than to be a pawn in your families wicked games

I constantly


Grapple with the notion


That i want to be so small


                                    My bones seem to be


      Their own showcase

But

       At the same time


       I know my heart can handle that


And i can only shrink so much

   Before

The
  
        
Foundation


Begins  
       
  To
  
Crumble
             With

Me

What do i do when i feel like i have written the words
That someone else has already spoken
Words that echoed in empty colosseums
Ones that tore out of vocal cords almost too worn to work
Both which feel upon the deaf ears of those who claim to know
But do not listen

You used to trace infinity signs
Looped patterns traced on scarred skin
and useless breathes
Small signs of tranquility
When my thoughts were nothing but a rough sea
Now
I trace infinity signs
Since those small hand movements
Became the difference between
Coming down
And
Crashing down
In its own way
Those infinity signs
Held some sort of forever
Maybe not between you and i
But rather
In the promise of being okay

An exhale
Followed by the deepest inhale
So deep that i thought
For a second
That this might be the time my ribcage
Finally collapses in on itself

You’re sweet tea and alcohol and the faint smell of smoke
You’re late night phone calls and ****** memes and whispered apologies
Because no matter how hard i try
I always end up saying the wrong thing
You’re cheesy pick up lines and bad tv shows and pasta roni
You’re deep breaths and silent air and soft spoken words
Because calm seems to be something that radiates off of you
Not because you’re always calm
But instead because your presence seems to have this intense calming effect
You’re oversized shirts and hoodies and kids movies
You’re little giggles and yawns and late night stories
Because you became my whole world in the blink of an eye
You sent my own existence into a whole nother system of thinking
You’re galaxies and the sound of waterfalls and star watching
You’re reassurance and safety and the idea that i can be happy
Because no one ever seemed to care about me the way you swore you did
I never wanted to have to let you go
And i certainly never thought I’d have to try to sleep without your voice on the other end of the phone call
You’re drinking on school nights and trying to sleep and insecurity
You’re heartbreak and empty promises and knowing i’ll never get anything better
Because even though everytime you tell me to leave or leave me on read
I still crave your presence and voice in the dead of the night
I’d let you hurt me a thousand times just to get one text from you
But i’d much rather slowly inch back into your life
I’d rather be stupid inside jokes and trust and someone you want to be around
I’d rather send you memes and listen to your stories and occasional phone calls
Then have to watch you walk away
You’re the bad and the good and everything i want and everything important to me
You’re a group of things that constantly bring your name to the front of my mind
Because most simply you’re you

No longer being friends with someone is sort of like dying
You cease to exist in their present tense
The only thing that brings your name back to mind is nostalgia or reflection or memories
So when you tell me that you no longer want anything to do with me
I understand
That my existence has begun to stretch and tear yours apart
You cannot tell me that my death will rip you to shreds
How could it
You’ve made me a piece of your past
If we are no longer friends
I am technically dead to you
So why should it matter if decide to stop
To stop existing on any field
Because if i'm going to cease to exist in your world
I’d rather completely quit existing as well

When I say that you smell like graveyard I don’t mean it in a negative way
It not an unpleasant smell
Not in the slightest
Its familiar smell
One that i can recognize from a mile away
And go “Oh there she is”
It's a smell that i look for in your t-shirts or jackets
The ones that i steal from you to keep until the next time you get a year older
Because hey
You did it
Maybe things weren’t good
But you did it
You’re here
Your smell is one of the few things that’s kept me alive when i'm on my own
A graveyard smells like earth
Like an accumulation of grass and dirt
You don’t smell like earth but in a way you do
Earth smells damp and dark and occasionally fresh and clean at other times
Earth is home
In a way you’re home too
I look for you in crowded hallways
I find you in empty jokes and silence and whispers
You are a two in the morning text message
When my life is falling apart over the same girl
The one who no matter how many times that she rips my heart of my chest
I always end up letting her come back and do it again
You’re there when it’s almost night time but i just can’t be in my own head anymore
You’re there even when your own life seems to be crumbling in your hands
Sometimes i can’t tell that i’ve done something to upset you
Just that you seem to refuse to look at me
Or that there’s silence
Which isn’t necessarily abnormal
But this kinda silence isn’t comfortable
It’s like being trapped in a blanket of what did i do this time
I never want to have let you go
I never want to have to lose you
If there comes a time where i begin to wear away at you
I can
You’ve become such an important factor in my life that i can go if i need to
Because you’ve been through so much and you deserve anything
Whether it’s a galaxy on a string or your own personal constellation
You deserve it

Trembling fingers dancing across piano keys
Making a melody out of the ruin before them
Stringing together thoughts and lines and notes
With planned out motions to their smallest component
These same fingers desperately wish to rewrite their own design
To piece together a brand new composition
They know better than to hope for something other than ivory

but even the reverberating echo of the crowd
does not stop the ache of your chest
or fill the empty space of your arms at night
the flickering of the lamp on and off like the passing seasons
or the ringing of a phone that no one will pick up
can't quell the fact that you do not want to be alone tonight
or any night
so find the men in the corners of the room
the ones who need your company as much as you need theirs
and pray that you are not just a trophy to go on their shelf
a memory of the time they spent the night in your bed
hide the regret in your eyes behind all the remains of the lines of coke
and the empty glasses scattered on your table
please
do not forget
when you have everything
sometimes
you still do not have anyone