Sie: Poems

10:51

Sie Jun 2014

10:51

I had a dream last night where I died
nobody could see me anymore.
I was invisible to the world.
The sad thing is that I realized today, that's how I always feel.
Invisible

#sad #invisible

10 Months.

Sie Feb 2019

10 Months.

It took 10 months before we saw each other again.
We had tried before, people pushed us.
This time I was invited to a party and, it happened.
I was completely terrified.
Would we yell. Would we cry. Would we fight.
Nothing happened how either of us imagined.
We saw each other stood there for a second till we were told to hug.
It was not like any other hug.
It was a weight lifted from my shoulders.
Relieving and healing.
Knowing I could move on.
While it put something back together it tore me apart.
A reminder of the hatred, the differences, and of course the hurt.
How we both moved on completely.
Minus the anchor that was still biting at our ankles.
What kept coming to me was how much harder it was for me,
How little she got hurt.
How it kept me fighting a darkness for months.
10 months.
It was forever, yet almost no time at all.
10 months.

i will be posting more guys i got out of my funk

After you left

Sie Jun 2014

After you left

We promised to always be there for each other.
I was always your best friend and you were mine.
I told you everything about me why i was me
and the darkest parts of me.
We were inseperable, never one without the other.
I could feel you slowly leaving as you pushed me and others away.
Then you were just gone from my life.
Once you were gone I had no one to really talk to.When it started to get worse they came.
People who i had been friends with once before they betrayed me.
They were now your baes and I was nobody.
It hurts to think about you.
Can we please go back to the time before you left.

once i'm dead don't cry because you were the one who pushed me over the edge.

#sad #death #alone

A little push.

Sie Apr 2019

A little push.

We as human have such an attachment to everything, it’s out biggest flaw.
Our friends, our relationships, our objects, our old selves.
We always cling to everything.
Even when everything is pushing itself as far away as possible.
We should take a hint and learn a lesson.
We hold to tight and when everything goes it is so much harder to recover.
Even after being cut off we try to go back, and go back, and go back.
We need to keep moving forward.
Stop holding on.
Push ourselves away from what was.

All My Love

Sie Feb 2015

All My Love

People tell me my love is wrong.
People tell me my love is sin.
People tell me my love will go to hell.

These people do not know what real love is.

When I am with her it's like I can clearly think for once.
When I am with her I can see the beauty and colors.
When I am with her I can see a future with happiness.

Then I kiss her and I know nothing will stop me.

<3

#love #pride #lesbian #samelove #lgbtqa #loveislove #hatersignore

Bitter sweet but more bitter

Sie Sep 2019

Bitter sweet but more bitter

You were my anchor to reality but you never were in reality.  So my anchor to what?
To you?
To the bottom?
To the taste of chemicals?
To crime?
You were never good for me but you acted like it was the best thing.
Yeah yeah it was great  at the time.
Except time kept moving and I wanted to be free.
You decided that not how you like me.
You threw me away to be collected with the rest of your garbage the next day.
I was like a ******* spirit.
I kept coming back.
One.
Two.
Three times but you never let me stay.  I should've known then all you did was make me decay.
They say never give up.
I say do it sooner and more final like shattering a glass cup.
You were the toxins  in the chemical candy.
The sharp rocks at the bottom.
The jail time and fines ready.
The anchor for a ship tied to my raft made of twigs.
So long it took to detox cut the rope and swim back to the top.
I don't hate you but I will not decay with you.
Laugh as I will as you sink lower and lower.
I tried to tell you the decay will rot you  make believe solider.

Broken and Shattered

Sie May 2014

Broken and Shattered

can you hear me screaming i ******* trusted you now you've gone and left me cause i'll never be the pretty one or the skinny one i'll always be that ***** you once knew oh well
i'll just sit here with my broken heart and my shattered soul because you'll never know never know remembver that time when the four of us were friends ha just look at me getting all sentimental well **** one of us left and it was the beginning of the end of the good days now i've been pushed out and i'll just sit here with my broken heart and shattered soul because you'll never know never know maybe i lied i took to many pills i'm sorry i hurt you but i have to move on with or without you but my heart will be broken and the shattered bits of my soul will be in your memories i told myself you'll never know but look at this you always knew my broken heart and my shattered soul
broken and shattered
i am

#broken #sad #shattered

COME BACK

Sie Feb 2017

COME BACK

She was always there for me even when I hurt myself.
I thought she would be there no matter what.
Except I let myself so what I do best.
Break peoples hearts
**** I want to die
I want my best friend back.
Every ******* day.
Hey I forgot to tell you how much I love you.
Please don't forget about me.
**** I want to dissapear
come back babygirl i never got the chance to show you how deep I can love

I'd say I'm sorry but that fixes nothing.
I'd say I love you but you wouldn't care.
I'd say anything about you and everyone thinks I'm a *****.

Dark Nights and Darker Days

Sie Feb 2015

Dark Nights and Darker Days

My nights may physically be dark as well as mentally.
But in the day,
when everything is supposed to be a gift with many colors and feelings
it just feels dull.
like it's still night .
I can't see any beauty or love.
I can only see hatred,
the feelings of anger towards everyone.
I hope that I become lost.
so I can no longer feel anything.
I want to be lost in a haze of colorful smoke. forever.

I have been gone for quite awhile.
I had tried sorting my life out.
It just didn't work.

#suicide #drugs #selfharm #cutters #******* #losemetome

Death

Sie Aug 2014

Death

i think to myself death take me
take me away from this ugly world
all i get is silence
i flick open my pocketknife
the cold sharp blade is a relief
death please
i start to cut my skin
death take my soul
blood starts to drip deep red
death take my heart
press deeper with the blade
death take my life
with a clink of metal on the tiled floor
the ****** knife came to rest
death
departing from this world i thanked death
and said goodbye to everyone
death why are you so simply complicated?

#suicide #depression #anger #life #death #blood #selfharm #blade #knife #triggering

Dreaming

Sie May 2014

Dreaming

i can hear my name being called in my dreams, but i never looked back to find out who. i always just kept on running. i've now realized all that runnig was doing, was putting space between us. i want you back. to hear your voice with true happieness in it. Maybe even have you as my best friend again

#friend

Fight!

Sie Aug 2014

Fight!

You can hide in the blankets
but you can never run.
It will follow you to the deepest of seas
and the highest of mountains
in the closet or under the bed.
Because all you will be running from is
yourself.
You create your demons.
You are the monster.
There is a way to keep them out
there is always a way.
But you have to pick thoes weapons and
fight!
Run into the battle at full speed.
Don't stop for even a moments hesitation,
because within that hesitation
there is a crack in your armour
in which your demons and monsters can get through.
To fight you have to remember
nobody will save you.
This fight is yours
and yours alone.
Remember to make yourself better you have to start somewhere.
That somewhere can be here right now.
So make the decision to win this fight against yourself.
The mosters and demons do not define you at all.
If someone says you can't
you better show them you can.
You make the decision.
You can die.
Or
You can fight!

Stay Strong

#suicide #cutting #sad #depression #death #selfharm #eatingdisorders

Friends Suck

Sie Oct 2014

Friends ****

All I can thibk of these days is you.
I remember when you said we were going to be best friends forever. I guess that was all naive middle school talk.
I guess it still hurts when i think about the past 2 years.
The summer you stopped texting and messaging me.
You started to dislike being near me.
Then you had a birthday party and I guess it was okay you were still my friend.
Freshman year is everything went down hill.
One friend left and i was pushed away.
You started acting like i wasn't really fun.
After i made a stupid ******* mistake you wouldn't forgive me.even after i apologized.
I havent heard you talk to me outside of class since last year.
I don't exists in your world.
I know it's stupid but sometimes i will sit there and stare at one of your blogs or look through your facebook photos.
Even though I know you don't care about me.
I will always be concerned about you.

My best friend has truly left. I see her everyday and all i want to do i scream at her or cry and hug her. But it never happens.

Fuck

Sie May 2017

****

I wish you would talk to me
I want to be the one to fix your pain
Even if it was me who was the key
To all rain
And the hatred in your brain

I was trapped in a world of his making
Somewhere i thought i could be happy
He even gave me a ring
Be happy
Im not happy

But it was you who stayed in my thoughts
I cried and dreamed of my best friend
A girl I fell in love with but we got caught
In a twisted web we thought was our end
I love you...Send

SEND
SENT
DELIVERED
READ
IGNORED

Koda if only you could read this I wamt you to know. I care. I wont give up on you. Not again. Not evet again. I. Love you with all my heart. Even if you dont love me anymore. i broke up with him it. Was causing to much. Knowing you are in pain.
Im sorry my love if i am a bother
I just want a real chance wheb i finially will give myself that chance. But its probably to little to late.
I want you

Gaping Hole

Sie May 2014

Gaping Hole

Last night i felt something, i had not felt in a while
i felt empty and lonley
was i even still alive? i wasnt sure
i couldnt feel myself breathing. i couldnt feel my heart beating.
so how was i to know if i was alive.
Last night i felt something i had not felt in awhile.
i felt the stinging in my eyes as i cried.
what were my tears for?were they for you or something more?
i just knew that i cried?
last night i felt something i had not felt in awhile.
i felt the relief of it all.
just as i kissed the coldness of the metal that i missed so dearly.
just to know that i was alive.
las night i felt something that i had not felt in awhile.
i felt the hole in my heart that was gaping wide.
i knew it could have been for you or for something else.
i just knew that was the reason i cried.

#sad #depression #pain #crying #selfharm

Hearts

Sie May 2014

Hearts

Today is a new day broken hearts from yesterday are now hopeful...

#love #hope #hearts #brokenhearts

Him

Sie Apr 2014

Him

I'm not actually sure if I love him. I'm sure I love him.
I dont know what to do.
Break up or make out.
Why can't I do both.Why can't I be sure.

#love #pain #unsure

I am very drunk

Sie Apr 2019

I am very drunk

I'm way to drunk and ******
But I still gotta drive us home.
Im thinking bout her
And the thing she could have been to me.
Things should've turned out differently
Her eyes the color of ice
First meeting hair of bright pink LSD
Body of goddess heart of a sweet sugared candy and that soul was just bright as can be
I'm drunk and alone
But I gotta live this life
But in still thinking bout my girl
Im way to drunk and I'm supposed to have moved on from this.
I cant just forget a love that never got the chance to grow.
I have to go
In the dark velvet dress the dark eyebrows
She was my world but i threw it away now im living in a different universe

from quite a while ago

It's not the same

Sie Nov 2015

It's not the same

I tried to forget about her
I tried to forget the pain
I tried so hard
but it's not the same
She will always be on my mind
even when I cannot focus on my mind
She will be the one that haunts my dreams and my drunken
thoughts of love and home
Sh was always the one person who if I even thought of her could stop
me from ripping myself to pieces or stop me from putting myself
6 feet under
But now who's here to stop me
The guy who only wants me for ***
A friend who never talks to me anymore
The family who didn't want me in the first place
Nobody
I guess nothing is the same since then
Nothing

I want her back
her name is the only thing that is in my mind running endlessly through it <3

#love #suicide #gay #dead #relationships #her #breakup #missing #sh #winherback

I wish we knew.

Sie Oct 25

I wish we knew.

I think in the end we have a deep longing for those we have lost even if they are still of this world.
She whom destroyed my soul and I am still healing from, I wonder if I ever will. Eating my soul away one little insecurity at a time. Acting like nothing she ever did was wrong Even when she hurt all around her. I still want to know what she would think of me, who she is now, if she has ever grown.
He who I hurt in retaliation, he who deserves an apology from and acknowledgment of his own apology. If only I felt it would do any good to just walk across the street and create that conversation. I feel like we could have still been friends had I not been bitter.
She who I lost track of in life, I tried to keep in touch but eventually just stopped any effort. I believe I could still contact her, but what would I even say at this point. Was I the only one who thought about the other constantly what beautiful memories we had. What would happen.
The longing we had for the other soul, does anything really matter or will this continue for life.

I haven't written in so long it is rough around the edges. I hope to find this again.

Letters to my love

Sie Jul 2017

Letters to my love

I have your letters sitting next to my pillows.
I wonder if you burned the ones I sent to you.
I'm caught up in a world without you.
I'll wait for you under the willows.
Reading your words now I could see you falling back in love with me.
Why was I so blind?
Baby I hurt you without thinking.
The agony of him pulling me away from you and every friend I've ever had.
I may not get any of that back.
All I really want is you.
I read those letters now and I'm left alone sobbing.
I refuse to be another one of his little play things anymore.
I hold on if its for you.
Our letters will never leave me.
Letter to the the girl I love.

Koda baby its taken me too long to realize what I was doing but now I swear that I will always have you in my heart. Nobody can replace you.
Koda I love you. I mean these words with all of my heart.

Little things

Sie Feb 2016

Little things

Honestly I'm done trying to get somebody to love me
You have hurt me beyond imaginable
I have cried myself to sleep every night for the past week and a half
There are times when I'm sobbing and the only thing I can think of is you
How you smiledd when you saw me
They way you hugged me
How my name sounded on your lips
You always said you loved my smile and now I can't even smile
The jokes you cracked
How you tried to get me to stop chain smoking cigarettes
I remember when I had a complete breakdown and was drunk in the abandon theater breaking **** and nobody could calm me down and all you did was come an hug me and I started to breathe
Now you look at her
Not me
You can't evn talk to me
No matter how angry I am
I still sit in class quite and fiddle with the ring you gave me
You want it back
I don't know if I can give it back with crying
It's the last thing I physically have of you
All I would have left is the memories
And the small things I notice that made me fall in love with you

Breakups hurt way to much to be worth falling for someone

#sad #depressed #**** #breakup #missingyou #comeback #angy

Love never grown

Sie Sep 2019

Love never grown

Everyday I think about you.
I realize maybe you are happier than I could've made you.
Everyday I'm thankful.
A best friend who has forgiven me endlessly.
Everyday I love you.
I never gave us the chance maybe I was scared maybe I was just flat out stupid.
Everyday I am happy.
A best friend who will always be there for me until the end.
I may have lost a beautiful love but I also got to keep an amazing friend.
Everyday I am sad.
I am brimming with guilt no matter what but I'm also glad that I didn't get a chance because I wasn't ready for it and I could've broken what I want to keep whole and loved.
But everyday I know we have an unbreakable bond.

Loving you

Sie Jul 2017

Loving you

I do believe in love at first sight.
I remember the exact second I saw you.
It was even better when we actually met.
You saved me from myself so many times. You're still doing it too.
All our dumb pictures still hang on my wall.
I fell in love with you that first day of band class.
As we hung out more you became the best friend I didn't really have. You were always there. I am so thankful for you.
Even to this day almost 2 years later I still love you.
My little goth baby
You have always been in my heart.

I destroyed everything except my love for you.
That's why I haven't let go.
No matter what he say or what I've done. Absolutely nothing can't take you from my heart.

Never Real

Sie Mar 2018

Never Real

I look back  at all these old friendships old relationships.
I used to think they were perfect that they  were real.
Never were they real
I don't  think ever experienced  a real friend a real  love.
Why must I continue to trick myself to think that all of it is real.
But I guess do i even  know what"real" is?

Other World

Sie Aug 2014

Other World

Sometimes i wish i could leave this world
Maybe not like die leaving
But leave to another reality of sorts
A fantasy world
Where i was happy and smiling
Somewhere i could be myself wearing tshirts and shorts
Somewhere i would hang out with real friends and feel secure
I wish i could be in that place
For now i fill that hole of longing with bad things
Thing with drugs and alchole and blades and sadness
Someday i will be in that world i long for

#sad #drugs #cry #happy #dreams #strange #longing #selfharm

Paradise for the weak

Sie Feb 2016

Paradise for the weak

Do you feel like there is no one left?
There isn't anybody left to latch onto.
Maybe you have to go looking.
More than likely who you have been looking for, well
The are right in front of you.
Open your eyes and look into paradise.
The paradise for damaged kids.
Most call this a place for the weak.
I know better, we are the strong.
We are the love.
Welcome to Paradise.

People dont stay.

Sie Feb 2016

People dont stay.

A girl crippled by the depressing voices circling her head
What was the answer they needed
How could you make them quite
The voices were there always
Though the suicidal nights
Though the days filled with anxiety
Though the days she was called a *******
The voices were there while she was being beat
There were there tending to the cuts on her arms
They were there the night she snorted *******
The voices were more comforting then actual people
People ****** her over
When it comes down to it
People will disappear
The voices will be there till the end whispering
One more line one more cut one more cigarette
One more and you will be free forever

#sad #depression #drugs #suicidal #cigarettes #selfharm #*******

Please let me forget.

Sie Aug 2015

Please let me forget.

Oh right I forgot, nothing ever lasts for me
I forgot I am the one who will get hurt
I forgot that I will be the one forgotten
I forgot to not let anyone in to my heart
I forgot that they will just break my heart

#her

Realizations

Sie Feb 2016

Realizations

I realize that it wasn't worth it.
I have him ******* everything.
All he did was take .
Take and take and take.
He took my heart my virginiy and my pride.
Until I was no more
Then he ****** me up.
The only thing he ever gave me
Drugs all kinds
******* acid marijuana
Until I was hooked
Hooked up on him
Hooked up on drugs
Until I realized he wasn't good
I got away
Yet I stand here today
Wondering
Was he the only one who actually cared
Wondering
Why do I still care
Gert him out of my head
Before I realize
There is nothing left of me

If you ever read this I hope I hurt you as much as you hurt me with the games and the addictions.

#love #drugs #*** #guy #*******

Relapse

Sie Sep 2014

Relapse

My body had been a torn up battle ground red streaks everywhere.
I never thought i would be better. except i did get better at least for awhile.
Deep down i thought i would never rip my body up again despite that i knew it would happen.Then after a month or so of okay.
It happened i drew with my silver blade. it left small red lines all over my thigh. easy to hide but it leaves a painful smile.
Torn up again and again will it ever end.

#cutting #depression #pain #death #dead #**** #selfharm #cuts #relapse #sh

Sad Very Sad

Sie Aug 2017

Sad Very Sad

It's been months if not a year since it's been this bad.
The marks are up and down my legs with no remorse.
Dark red lines that will catch anyone's  eye.
It's not like life  hasn't been rad
I just have no path no course
I had forgotten how addictive it was  to be this sad.

Y'all I'm okay I promise just a rough patch in life.

Screaming of a girl

Sie May 2014

Screaming of a girl

can you hear that screaming? its the screaming of a girl who tried to drown her demons, without knowing they could swim. its the screaming of a girl in a crowded room, but nobody can hear her cry for help. its the screaming of a girl who wanted to be pretty so she didnt eat.its the screaming of a girl who's friends didnt notice when her eyes no longer sparkled with life.its the screaming of a girl who could no longer be her mommy's perfect girl or daddy's little angel. its the screaming of a girl who had the cruel words spoken to her carved on her arms and legs. its the screaming that has been silenced with a slash on each wrist and a bottle of pills, and six feet of cold dark dirt.

#suicide #pain #screaming #help #selfharm #eatingdisorders #triggering

Shitstorm of my brain.

Sie Nov 2017

Shitstorm of my brain.

Yo, I didn't think it could get any worse.
Except now i'm sitting here alone.
I must have a curse.
My best friend left because of where I found a home
for my heart.

She is my everything I don't understand why she's gone.
Is my happiness really that toxic.
Could it really be that bad.
Could it just be.Me?

It doesn't really matter now.
I'm alone and drowning in my demons.
Ice and smoke , I must be dreamin'
I've let myself bleed and I let myself bow,
to the new king

I am not me, I'm ruled by darkness and hate and sadness alike.
She left me and now I have nowhere to turn.
I've called for help, but that's when they strike.
Bad habits, Bad feelings, Bad drugs, that's what i'll learn.

**** **** **** **** i can actually feel myself slipping. hes going to leave soon, ill end up doing something he hates, and then ill actually die ill be truly alone and nobody will care. IF THEY HAD CARED THEY WOULDNT HAVE LEFT.

smile

Sie May 2014

smile

i never thought a smile on face would taste so bad on my lips.
but this smile tastes better than the disappointment in the voices of others.

#sad #hidden #fakesmile

Sorry to see you go

Sie Sep 2015

Sorry to see you go

Ultimately I lost her
Ultimately it was my fault
Just because it was too hard to pretend around my family
Just because of this I lost the one thing in my life that made me want to live
I guess I will have to accept it
I guess I have accepted
But that that doesn't mean I won't rip my mind apart thinking about it
Thinking that maybe if I had just come out
I could still have her
I guess this is goodbye for us

#pain #gay #breakup #lesbian #bisexual #******* #comingout

Suicidal Thoughts

Sie Jul 2014

Suicidal Thoughts

I fell in love
Not with a person but an object
An object of cold silver metal
The dark marks left on my wrists
Were just the many thoughts in my head
This might be the last time i love
If it's not i guess i'll just try again

#love #suicide #hate #selfharm #sorry #cuts #trigger

Title of someone gone

Sie Sep 2017

Title of someone gone

You ****** her.
You promised that would never happened.
You ****** her right next to me.
It was my birthday.
You ****** her and didn't care about me.
You didn't even seem to care.
You ****** her.
You broke me.
I can see it happening
I can see you looking at me
I can see you deciding I didn't matter
You ****** her
And you knew it would break me
Every little thing I've done for you
Spoiled you
Loved you
I loved you
But you didn't love me
Because you ****** her

Whore

Sie Jun 2016

*****

We were like a pair of marches at first started aflame quick and bright yet we kept going even after we burned out
After the hurt
The ******* that wasn't done with each other
The angry words ***** ****
The night of bruised knuckles and empty bottles
We kept going that's what was wrong with us we held on too tight
I shouldn't have gone back again
Holding on to tight sometimes cause wounds
These wounds they are never gonna close
He took me into the dark and he made me into nothing
Now he got what he wanted and then left
And I'm here violated and worth nothing anymore
Just another *****

I hate him
I hate him so much
For what he did to me
He's the reason I'm not okay

You

Sie Aug 2014

You

You told me to get help for myself.
You told me that i needed to stop.
You told me .
You never offered to help.
Yet you expect me to be strong enough.
I wanted to be there when you were at rock bottom.
You pushed me away.
I was at rock bottom you were nowhere to be seen
I was alone.
All you did was tell me ****.
You didn't do anything to help

#friend

— The End —