There was a time where the only color I could be was blue.
I was drenched within sadness and despair.
Everything crashed around me like waves crash against a ship.
I was only the color blue.

There was a time where the color I possessed was red.
All I could feel was anger.
My voice always raised and ready to snap.
The only thing I wanted to do was drench other people in the color blue.
I began to try to make purple.

The blue and red started to fade and yellow began to shine.
There was no sadness or anger inside me.
I wore a smile at all times, happy to be happy.
I loved so hard and gave everything my all.
Until I was no longer yellow.

Every color there could be would hit me.
Phases would come and go.
Some would even return
Until everything muddled together all at once.
Creating the color black.

I felt so hard, everything affected me in ways I did not like.
I was human, feeling multiple things at once and not one at a time.
The color black consumed me when I took my medication.
It consumed me when I tried to get better and succeeded.
It made me feel human.
It made me feel normal.
It made me feel hopeful.

You silenced us
Ruined my trust

No longer on your mind
But you're still on mine

Why did you ruin this
Why did you let us kiss

I was placed in a grave,
but I crawled out for you.

It wasn’t because you were
charming or handsome,
but how I felt as you spoke.

The flutter of my heart,
the laughter escaping me,
and I how I desperately wanted
to kiss you.

I reached out,
you were all I ever wanted,
but I reached too soon.

The ground crumbled around my feet,
and I was 6 feet under
my heart filled with despair.

Once Upon A Time
There was a princess who was deemed
most beautiful of them all.

She didn’t want the title,
and the title didn’t want her.
For she never felt beautiful.

Her hair hit her waist,
a burden.

Her eyelashes were too long,
a flashy comment.

Her figure was an hourglass,
a shame.

Her dresses were too tight,
a misleading statement.

The title told her to talk to the witch,
and she would know what to do.

So the princess ran to a small cottage,
to find a striking young man looking at her.

He was what the princess wanted to be.
For he was a boy, and she was stuck as a girl’s body.

“Please help me not be the most beautiful,”
the princess pleaded, offering everything she owned.

The witch looked down at her, but smiled softly.
“Are you wishing to be a prince?”

The teenage girl nodded, pleading to be so through a candle.
The hatred for her body was too much to handle.

So with a snap,
on the floor there was a handsome young chap.

He looked at himself in the mirror,
and began to cheer.

His hair was short,
a blessing.

His eyelashes were stubby,
a subtle touch.

His figure shaped as a box,
a boost in self-esteem.

His clothes fit just right,
a statement right for him.

“Prince, Jasper, must go on ahead,”
with a smile the witch said
turning into a beautiful woman.

The prince smiled brightly without vain,
not having to hear the old name.

“Thank you, for your acceptance.  This was vital,”
the young prince said before yearning a new title.

The kindest prince to ever live.

I hold on to you
do you hold on to me?

I clutch your shirt tightly
are you only clutching mine slightly?

I fall in love with you every day
do you feel the same?

Do you miss me like I miss you?
Would you kiss me, like I’d kiss you?

Should I take my heart back?
Or should I stay on track
fighting for us to be connected
once again?

Our red string has is stretching too far.

You look into the world
wanting to be out there.

I want to cut it
let you go
I want you to be happy
but that won’t be with me

I snip the string
only for you to tie it back together
saying partners are commitment
while titles are not

As you smile at me,
I remember a love
I had forgot.

Do you love me like I love you?
You let your mind wander every night as you stare up at the stars,
Thinking of me.
School is the place where your heart yearns the most, for I cannot be there.
You sit during math picturing me sitting next to you, laughing at your jokes.
Opening your eyes,
Math class is still just you sitting next to some boy who isn’t me.

Do you adore me like I adore you?
Sitting at home, just looking at photos of me while you smile
Thoughts about me race around your head,
And you want to tell me, but keep them in.
Reasoning is I could never feel the same,
But I most likely do.
Whenever I sing you to sleep over the phone,
Sleeping is easier, but will refuse to admit it.
It’s your favorite sound,
My voice
The way it does anything for you.

Do you see me like I see you?
Every moment you see me is like the first,
How I enchanted you while playing the saxophone
And singing on Instagram.
You feel the skip of your heart every time we speak,
But never tell me.
Late at night your mind wanders to me whenever you feel desperate,
You’ll never tell me though.
Sometimes my freckles appear to be dirt,
But you say I’ll just be a muddy boy.
You love the random clusters, although I’ve never heard that.
One of the biggest things you will never tell me is
I’m the boy of your dreams,
The one you want to grow old with.

How much do you love me?
How much do I need to hold on or let go?
How much are you giving me?
How will you tell me all these things?
How can I make you love me?

I love you with all my heart, but how much do you love me?

My pulse quickens whenever you're around
Or whenever anyone mentions you

Your eyes are the color of the sea,
Constantly drowning me.

Your laugh is a lullaby
Always in the back of my mind
On the verge of sleep

I love you, whether you believe it or not.
You are the one I want,
And this isn't a Grease reference.

Without you, I'd be lost in my thoughts
Screaming out for help in a void.

Without you, my life is black and white
And hints of grays.

Thank you for coming into my life.
Thank you for just being mine.

My eyes watch you approvingly
while you only watch me foolishly.

I claim to love the constellations,
but only because their stations
are found upon your skin.

Who would I be to fall in love?
Would I fall above
someone who has never been?

Would your kiss
feel like pure bliss?

I know mine would not.

Is it possible to miss someone
when you're not a loved one?

Is it possible to miss you,
a boy who always looks blue.

I don't mean sad,
I mean the hottest form of fire where it appears mad.

Your bronze curls
shine like pearls.

You're blinding me,
and it's hurting me.

You're so bright and warm,
while I'm dim and a storm.

I cannot breathe.

My body will not allow me.
I cannot breathe
because anger seethes
inside of me.

I cannot smile.

My face most likely looks vile.
I cannot smile
because the style
of your profile
makes me feel vile.

I cannot speak.

The word is so bleak
and I am so weak.
I cannot speak
because the door will creak
and shriek.

I cannot love.

My heart soars above.
I cannot love
because your love
is still situated in the foxgloves.

and not me.

I felt the wind surge through me,
pushing me down slightly.
I collided into you and my world became stable,
but not for long.

Soon enough there were fights every other day,
my world began to fade into gray.

It had been like this twice before,
although neither of them had been you,
I felt as if someone was attempting to even the score.

I thought you'd be different,
so I held on with all my **** might
only to come up empty handed
in the middle of the night.

My heart was shattered
along with my pride,
with my entire body scattered,
I cried.

I cried out some nonsense,
but then I cried out to you
only to have no correspondence.

She asked me why I stared at her
whenever we were seated
in the same room.
Why all my attention was focused
on her, even when hers wasn't
anywhere on me.

The distressed sound of her voice
and the lost look in her eye
are what led me to answer her question.

I stare at her because she is beautiful.
Because I'm quite aware that if I don't,
she might do something spectacular
and I would've never known.

My attention is constantly focused on her
because she is a light and I am a moth,
I must seek what draws me in:
she drew me in.

Her smile and her laugh made me swoon,
made me feel light headed,
while mine did nothing to affect her at all.

I answered her question with three simple words,
I don't know
because it's better if she doesn't know
that I find her unbelievably beautiful.
that she is a light in my dim world.

It's better if she doesn't know that I love her,
that every single day is filled with me
counting down the minutes until I can see her again.

It's just better this way,
there's no heartbreak or rejection.
Call me selfish,
but I think that I'm allowed to look out
for myself.

we were meant to
fail from
the start.

didn't want anyone
wrecking my
fragile heart.

two beating hearts
all alone,
and oh so different
from one year ago.

once we were
on the same path,
but now we're
straying from that.

you blame yourself,
but you shouldn't,
you should only blame
her.

she was the one
to destroy all of
my trust
for anyone and everyone.

I wasn't anything precious
to her,
but to you
I'm the sun
and you're the
planets.

please don't beat yourself up,
but sometimes we all just have
to leave someone
we love.

I left you.

Of course you don't
realize that.

We were two puzzle pieces,
but we wouldn't fit;
you can't shove two things
together and hope for the
best.

We fought all the time
and I never cried,
you were the one that always
did that.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but opposites don't always
attract.

In science they may,
but with people
they don't.

We were opposites,
I was calm
and you were the storm.

I was brave
and you were a coward
that hid behind closed doors.

Two people can't be together
if they can't stand each other.

I couldn't stand you.

The fond way you stared
at me made me sick.

And the way you screamed
made me *****.

I hated you and you loved me.

There was a point in time
where we were both
madly in love,
but then I stopped.

When and Where?
I don't know.

I am manipulative
and you are innocent.

These kinds of things never work.

You smiled at me
and the world didn't
feel so cruel.

You listened to me
and I knew I wasn't
alone.

You helped in me in so many ways
and I knew that I could
count on you.

I became clingy,
and you swore that you
loved it.

You swore you loved me.

But things change,
and these things become people,
people who hurt you,
and people who leave you.

So tell me where I'm wrong
to cry over someone I loved.

Tell me where I have mistaken
every little thing
I ever knew about
you and I.

Just tell me something
and stop boxing your emotions away
and stop hiding from me.

I'm only here to help you
like you helped me
because that's what friends do.

That's what we do.

Or did we change somewhere
in some place that I wasn't aware about.

When and where did you decide
that you didn't love me anymore?

Because I still love you
and I still care
and I hate myself for it.

People like you are wrong
and manipulate people like me.

But that never stopped us before,
so why did it now?

"Get over it.  If you're not going to come out then don't complain."

I get that my "complaining" may seem
annoying to you,
but you've obviously
never experienced
gender dysphoria before.

I live in the realm of it
with every wrong pronoun
to filling out applications
and having to choose
the girl option.

You're blessed to have
the parents you have
who love and accept you
no matter what.
While my parents would
put me in therapy
if I even
dared
to come out.

Don't tell me to get over it.
Don't tell anyone to get over it.
Unless you're telling yourself
to ******* grow up
and get over yourself.

You say that you're
gender queer as well,
then treat people
with the respect
you want.

Let me cry into your shirt
because I'm not a girl,
but I'm forced to see one
in the mirror
everyday.

Let me call you in the middle of the night
because it's gotten bad
because I feel every
ounce of my self hatred
late a night
when no one is around.

Just be there
because I didn't tell you for no reason.

I trusted you to be
careful and kind
to me, to my secret,
but you had to be
bitter and tell me to
get over it.

I can't breathe.

The air that you
so proudly gave me
is sickening.

I'm choking on every word
you said
whenever you claimed
we'd last.

We failed and I promise you
it wasn't my fault.

You were the one who wanted to push
my limits.
I said no and you said yes,
so you won.

I'm sorry that I wasn't
mature enough
for you yet
even though I was older.

I wanted more things in life,
while you wanted
texts and anything
that I refused.

You left and I
didn't cry.
It was for the best that we
went our different ways,
but I can't stop
thinking of what
we could've been
if you actually
loved me.

It's not okay
to pull me aside
and tell me whose
wrong and right.

You ask questions
about when I realized
who I was
and what I want
to become,
when you shouldn't.

There's never really a time
you realize,
there's a time you stop
compressing
all of those thoughts and feelings.

You should feel
content
with me even telling you
who I am.
I don't need to explain
anything further,
but you claim I do.

I'm sick of every
GSA meeting being filled
with questions of my
gender and sexuality.
There's more to me.

You claim you know me,
but you don't.

You have no clue what
my favorite color is
or my favorite movie
or even know what I
love to read.

There's more to me
than a couple of titles.

You say that all you have
is your sexuality and gender,
that has to be a sad life.

I'm sorry that that's all you have.
But I have more.

I hate the word pretty.
Every time I hear it
it's a reminder that I am
a girl.

Girls are great
and there's nothing
wrong with them,
it's just that I'm not one.

I've been stuck
in this body
looking at someone who
I no longer recognize
for so long.

I want to be handsome and cute,
not pretty.

I at least deserve something better than
pretty.

I stare in the mirror
and nothing is right.

well not for me.

Girls tell me how
blessed
I am to have these curves,
and they don't realize
that I would give them up
in a second.

Boys don't have
*******,
slim shoulders,
delicate figures,
doe eyes,
or anything that I have.

I want to look in the mirror
and see the person that I truly am
staring back
at me.

But I'm stuck looking at
a small girl
that everyone says is
*pretty

Once I was the color blue.

The tears that fell down my cheeks,
my broken heart,
and my sadness
were the color blue
and I didn't know how to
change that.

Once I was color black.

I screamed at all times
out of anger that was
nonexistent.
I was a void who knew
how to make others
feel blue,
and I wanted to change that.

Once I was the color yellow.

I was happy with myself
and I knew that the sadness
wasn't gone,
but the blue was.
I knew that the anger was
somewhere deep inside of me,
but I knew that I wasn't
a void anymore.

I'm no longer a color.*

I am nothing,
I can be who I need to be
without having to label myself.
Once you're a color,
you'll always be that color,
but the color won't always be you.

You left me after you promised
you wouldn't.

You called me a child,
told me to grow up,
told me that I was never good
enough.

I don't know why I held you in my heart
or why I thought that you could love me,
but I did.

I was foolish I admit,
but there had to have been a time
when I looked like the sun
in your eyes.

There must of been a time
where my texts
made you grin
and maybe you loved me.

The past is the past,
I know those words from a
Disney character,
but that's all you have to say.

I wouldn't be so angry
if you had just told me
that I wasn't for you anymore,
that we just weren't right.

You had to go
kiss her,
love her,
forget me.

You forgot me so much
that my name was
foreign on your lips.

She laughed out of victory,
while I stared at you
looking for something left
in the boy I once knew.

The sun hits my skin
and I feel the burning
sensation.

I've never known as a summer
as hot as this one.
Where people go outside
and it feel like it's
105 degrees.

You claimed you like hot girls,
am I hot enough for you now?
With my sweaty appearance
and the way I faint from
dehydration.

You laugh at my jokes
and you pet my wet hair,
you tell me that it's
going to be alright,
but I know it's not.

You're going to leave
in a year,
not even that long.
You're going to become
a college student and
explore the world
while I'll still be
a junior in
high school.

I don't want to hold you back,
it's the last thing I
honestly want to do.

What I want to do
is sing to you
and tell you how cute
you are.
I also want to write
romantic poems for you,
but this one isn't one you'd like.

This is me finally
telling myself
that we're over.
Sure,
I ended it to keep myself
safe,
but I still liked you
for the longest time after.

I'm done now,
I've moved on and
I hope you've done the same.

A heart laid on the floor,
millions of pieces shattered
and you didn't take second
glance at it.

My eyes were full of tears
and my chest was empty.
What did I do?

I ran away with you,
I felt something for you,
I gave my everything for you.

What I didn't realize is that
you were in the arms of
someone who didn't love you.

Maybe it was the fact was that
you loved someone that
wasn't me.

I didn't know how to cope
on being presented as
your partner in crime
and then all the sudden
you were in love with
someone else.

So as you walked away from
my shattered heart,
I tried to walk closer to you.

But you told me that the moment
someone shatters
they can't be anything to
you.

I took photographs of you and me
as we embarked upon a journey.

Music blasted through the speakers
and the windows broke from me throwing out my sneakers.

We weren't happy anymore and you knew it.
I had to take the stand and break it off before we couldn't.

Now you hate me more than anyone you know,
but get over yourself and please just grow.

And I'm sorry that I can't love you,
but I've never been able to love anyone besides a couple few.

The sunshine feels delightful
Upon my pale skin.

I feel the energy race through me
Like when I used to run with
My father as a kid.

I'm happy now.
I'm better now.
I'm me now.

I used to hate my reflection
But now I adore the way
My pale skin seems to grow
Freckles.
Or the way my eyes are
Asymmetrical and the color of dirt.
The way my hair has a mind of it's own.
That still bothers me
But I've grown to find it humorous.

I've grown to love my flaws
And I don't know if this is what self love is
But it's beautiful.

I'm beautiful.

I miss you.
I didn't know I could,
but I'm that I'm here alone,
I know I can.

I listen to sad love songs
because they don't remind me
of you.
You were too upbeat and complained
that romance and sadness
just weren't for you.

You were a story teller,
told me how a sad pathetic girl
could actually be loved,
but not by you.

I didn't think I could miss you
because you never missed me.
It's been two months
and I've just started to miss you
and maybe it's because you
started to miss me too.

My mind is shattered
as emotion tries
to conquer all of
my being.

My mind is malfunctioning
as depression slowly
overtakes it and makes me
believe that I cannot
do anything
correctly.

My voice is lost
when I see you
leave
because I'm
not what you wanted.

You didn't want some
broken person who
cries when their gender
isn't what is considered
normal some days.

You didn't want some
sad person who
screams at everyone
when life gets
tough.

You didn't want someone
like me,
you honestly just didn't want
me

"Beauty is an
adjective
not a person."

A quote my mother
told me when
I said I wasn't
beautiful.

But when I met
you,
I believed that
my mother
was wrong.

Beauty isn't just
an adjective,
it was you.
You were beauty
and this
is not a
pick up line.

Your face was
pretty,
but what made
you beautiful
was your
soul.

Bitterness consumes me
like how you used to hug,
arms around the throat
about to choke

You do not understand
that she will leave
while I had stayed
but now once she
leaves
you will be alone.

Because you think that
you're in love;
you believe she's the
one
but she'll tear your insides out
like the next will in due
time.

So you're alone
and you're cold,
no where to run
and no where to go.

Who are you going to call to
come get you?

Don't fall in love with me.
I will tear you
to bits and pieces
with love, affection, and
poetry.

I'll tell you how
beautiful you look,
and when you ask
"How do I look beautiful"
I'll say
"Well darling, I must get going now."

I'll leave you breathless
in kisses
because you'll never want
to stop but
I'm already in my car
ready to go.

Don't fall in love with me
because I'll become
a female version of
John Green.

I'll write you poetry and
make you the love interest
in my novels,
but there's a reason why I
never finish anything.

I'll fall out of love,
love is boring
and when you
fall in love with me
I'll become uninterested
because I can't chase you
anymore.

It's all in the chase,
because I like getting
what I deserve
but when I get it,
it's not what I wanted.

You show up
asking for an
explanation.
I don't have one.

You ask why I'm
so cold hearted
but what do you
want?

Do you want me
to bend over
and pour my
heart all over your
shoes as I
beg for your
forgiveness.

I don't want your
forgiveness.
I don't need your
forgiveness.

Like how you
didn't need me
when you
cheated
4 months
ago.

Tell me how I'm lovely
how I'm your one and only.

Lie to me
and pretend we'll always be.

Hold my hand
and watch us dissolve like sand.

Love me fully
or become my bully.

Either is fine as long as you and I are together
and sure we may fade like leather
but I will love you as long as I can before any of that happens.

My body is so small
so emotion comes
one at a time.

Anger is always first,
how I know what to say
to make someone
surrender the fight.

Sadness is always second,
my heart breaks when
others cry at my
hateful words so
I apologize.

Betrayal is always near the end,
you can't believe my apology
since people's emotions
don't move that fast.

Numbness is always the last one,
it remains most of the time
as I feel my friends and close ones
slipping away
like water slips through
my fingers.
It's the emotion that stays
and continues to come back
after I'm mentally exhausted
from having my world go from
nothing to three emotions in
a couple minutes.

Anger seeps through my veins
like blood seeps through a rag.

Hatred is in the front of my mind
like front row tickets to a concert.

Betrayal is evident
like the way Van Gogh used paints
to make certain features evident.

I loved you,
or I tried anyways.
Everything I had was put
into you.
But I hit a breaking point,
you can't control me.
I can control me.
You are stone,
and I am marble.
You are flimsy,
while I am sturdy.

I'm sorry that I hurt you,
but I don't love you
anymore.
I don't want you to think
I love you when
I no longer do.

He called me beautiful
when I wore no
makeup and wore
raggedy clothes.

He told me to never
change even though
he made me change,
just not for him.

He admired me
after I had an
anxiety attack
in the
stadium bathrooms
and stuttered while
my cheeks were
tear stained.

He told me he
would fall
in love with me
if I gave him
the chance.

I ran away
because he wanted
to be my source of
happiness
since I was his.

I ran away
because he wasn't
as accepting about
my internal struggles
like I thought
he would be.

I ran away because
dating him or anyone
has never been something
I could do.
My abilities to love are
small and delicate.
If I told him that
I loved him
he would run away,
so I ran first.

I ran and never looked back.

He left
I cried

He called me drunk
so I let him
talk.

He rambled on about how
he still
loved me.

I told him
he was drunk and
to leave me alone.

No more contact for
months until
he appeared at my
door
with all my things
and a bitter goodbye.

Pay attention to me.
I'm burning out
briskly.
Run your fingers through my hair
and pretend for once
that you have no care.
Tell me lies
and deceive me before
either of us tries.
Love is a series of games
that no one likes so
we watch it as it goes up into flames.

I hate you.
You smell of strong
cologne that she
buys you.

I see your fingers
intertwine with hers
as I
walk by you two.

No matter what happens
I'll regret falling for
you.
But yet you'll never
regret falling
for me
when we were merely
nothing.

You cause hurt like my retainer.
My mouth has no taste
since we never laid a hand
upon the other.

But you caused sleepless nights,
anxiety attacks worse than the others.
I listen to sad songs
since you hated all of those.

I need to face you in person,
but to do that I have to
look into your dark eyes
and make you cry.

music drowns out
sound
like words drown out
thoughts
or how people drown
you.

3 years.
That's how long it's been.
Sure, we're still friends
but you started dating her
and didn't tell me.

You don't deserve
anyone's attention,
especially mine.
They don't know
the things you've
questioned
or all the lies
you've told.

You're a
liar, thief, wrong,
and a former lover
to me.

That's why I hate you,
and most former lovers.

"Look at my beautiful girl."

This title is thrown at me
and I find it hard to
breathe.
You label me a girl,
I know you know no better
but it still wounds me
deeply.

"Look at* her, she's so pretty!"

You should know better
than to call me this
pronoun.
I asked kindly that you
use different pronouns
but you throw these
pronouns at me in
a taunting manner.

"You were born a girl so you are one."

I was born a human with
female genitalia.
I do not classify as a
girl or a boy.
I classify more as me,
as an
agender.

Please don't yell or shout
or tell me I'm wrong
because then you're saying
you know me better than
I know myself and
that may be true
but I don't believe
it is so.

You see me, but you don't hear me.
You touch me, but you don't feel me.
You kiss me, but you feel nothing.

It's cold between us.
This distance hurts me.
You don't like it when I speak late at nights.
You tell me it's annoying you when I smile into a kiss.
When I laugh, you tell me to shut up.
I know you don't love me, but I love you.

I see you, and listen to everything.
You touch me, and I shiver beneath you.
You kiss me, and I feel everything.

Burn me.
Burn away the rotting flesh
of the bitterness left inside
my heart and soul.
Burn away the sadness
that is carved into my
mind.

Transform me.
Transforming the mind to believe
in love over hatred.
To believe that I can be something
more than just a common
girl living alone.

Love me.
I want to feel the love
radiate off you as you smile
or speak to me.
I want to know you love me
every day, even if it's just
three words that you tell me,
or the way you kiss my cheek
after asking me if you can.

Be something.
I want to be one
in breath and the beating of
our rapid hearts.
I want to feel the way you
shiver when I hold your hand
because I am too.
Because I love you, and I want
us to be something.
I want this, to be something that one day
you tell your wife and kids
if we take different ways.

I just want to live in the present,
not the past or future
but the now.