I Just feel a lot.
I told you I would write about it.
So here it is.
I am me.
And I have been hurt.
So I know what it feels like
to be someone's second choice.
but you will never be my second choice.
And I believe you.
When you say you don't believe me.
But I will do what I can
to ease the idea that someone else
is in my thoughts.
because it's just an idea.
And I don't know what I am saying
half of the time
but the other half
I am constantly.
trying to come up with a line
that will ease your mind.
like I **** up,
but I mean what I say.
Even on my drunkest day.
But you are always my first thought.
Like getting over the worst,
was just a thought.
because I can handle the worst.
I don't hope for the best,
I prepare for it.
Because my head,
doesn't allow me to feel,
Things that make me happy.
So when I fell like my heart will explode
I run.
Into myself,
Because me.
What ever I am,
Will be there.
And that's hard to explain.
So when I wish I had something better to say,
I will just tell you the truth.
How my heart was abandoned.
How I long to be felt.
How my heart feels so much,
It makes the grand canyon
Feel ashamed to be felt.
My heart melts.
Yes, My heart melts.
And i don't how to say it anymore.
Because I thought I could say it.
But when it comes to you,
I'm not joking.
Like the butterflies
were surprised
when you said " This is good."
It was like a breathe of fresh air,
That I could finally breath.
When you said,
This is good.

This is good.

I like dating a poet.
Every time you talk
you write a poem in my heart.
Words that I can't speak.
Thats called being speechless.
My biggest fear.
Not knowing what to say
when she tells me
she had a bad day.
Like I'd give you a hug,
but I know you don't like to be touched.
So I'd wipe your tears,
but whats wrong with crying a river?
So I can float on my back
to your out breath's.
So you can breathe me in
on your in breath's.
Can you tell me again,
what step it was?
To just tell you it's okay,
Because even on my worst days,
that's all I can come up with.

We have words in our hearts,
That will never be free.
Like my biggest secret
is that I gave my parents PTSD.
How ******.
That I hurt people who love me.
And I love them,
but did you really love them?
Yes.
Sometimes it's not like that.
See, we love people the best we know how.
And sometimes that doesn't feel good.
Like every time the house whispers,
my mom wakes from a dead sleep,
wondering if I'm still alive,
and why this is her life?
Or how she used to go to the grocery store,
an hour away from home.
in hopes she wouldn't run into some body
That maybe she'd know.
For the fear she'd have to explain,
her daughters in the loony bin,
but she's not insane.
Just off the deep end.
So I could dive.
Right into my life.
Head over feet,
So if I were a bed,
all you'd see were the sheets.
Like if I were a mirror,
I'd be a piece of glass.
So you could see right through
so I could show you my last cast,
with the fishing line of my life,
how all I could do was hold on tight.
And hope that my dad strung the pole right.
When I was 7, I caught a fish.
But he said to throw
it back so it could grow.
And little did I know,
that he just wanted it to get stronger.
So it could believe in itself,
that it could breathe above the water.
That just because I was sinking,
didn't mean that I would Drown.

Just because I wanted to die,
Doesn't mean I wasn't living.
I was Just barely scraping by.
But it was enough.
To chain me to a pipe.
Here's to hoping
That this was our last goodbye.
And To the days you couldn't get out of bed.
Here's To the days you were the monster under your own bed.
I am still writing.
In hopes that it's enough.
To let my words out.
They are screaming,
For the chance to be heard.
I am still here.
With a heart beat,
to make the waves
that your inner tube jumps to.
Like the lake wasn't deep enough,
So you added my hoop to jump through.
I am waiting,
for my life to begin,
but it has already started,
where there was once was an end.
I was adopted.
Thank god for those two,
people who fell in love for night.
Thank God,
For the wrongs who made a right.
Because I am still here.
And that is enough.
My God, that is enough,
There is a light,
that keep shining.
And I cannot sleep
when there are stars that are dying.
I look up,
to the sky that goes on forever,
because maybe you are looking there, too.
I was crying,
On the day that I met you.
Wondering if I would be enough.
Wondering If I was what you thought of.
Because for years,
I thought of a face that I could be.
Somebody who actually looks like me.
Like I look in a mirror,
and I saw you looking at me.
My Mom.
Wherever you are just know,
That I see you
in every,
Star.

I just have so much to say.
I was afraid.
That the words coming out,
were going to be worse than
the words coming in.
The way you and my anxiety
fit so well together.
Isn't it funny
how only the living
can tell you you're dead?
The greatest thing we can do
is live, Even though we're dying.
We'll never feel each moment the same.
Because every moment is a time capsule
burred in our brains.
So we can visit it on a later day.
On the days that we need sunshine,
for the flowers to grow.
So I can make you a crown.
And I can Say that the grass is growing,
The grass is still growing.
So I can use it as a pillow for the blanket
I used on our first date.
Our First date.
Was a mix of Grilled Cheese
And Lawn Mowers.
And you still came back.
When I thought picking the grass,
was the best way to pass the time.
But instead, my head is filled.
With every excuse to grab you,
and pull you in.
Like if she still talks to me tomorrow,
I'll be counting that as a win.
A win for the butterflies.
Because I'm afraid of them.

The promises I made,
I had to break
to save myself from
this destruction wake.
Waking up, in a bed.
That isn't your's or mine,
It's like time stopped
So I could count every line.
Every sentence that came
out of my mind.
They say feelings can't be wrong,
which is why it felt so right.
For a drunken night,
and a beautiful good morning.
And my, was it a beautiful morning.
For a second I smiled.
For a second I was happy.
But it wasn't you,
So I feel,
guilty.

I'm just sad.
I'm just me.
And me is sad,
so deal with it.

You waltz around like
everything is okay.
But it's
Not.
Okay.

I don't want to pretend.
I love you.
For every mile that
it's worth.
I love you.

I make one comment.
Ten comments,
You say NO.
No, you don't get to say that.
You don't get to keep saying that,
and saying sorry.
Like
It's.
Okay.

Then NO.
You don't get to keep
breaking my heart
and coming back,
Like
It's.
Okay.

I'm trying to love you better,
and you're trying to be okay.
When we all know,
It's
Not.
Okay.

I'm trying to love you better.
And you.
you're trying to love her better.
The way you spent all those
years together.

Me.
I'm just me.
I'm ugly.
From the inside out.
I'm a beautiful disaster.
I'm a mess.
I'm a
"Can't hold it together"
Kind of girl.

And you laugh,
the way I cry,
So baby,
Let me go.
Let me let go.

Because I can't compare.
To someone who leaves you.
To someone who is not with you.
To someone who wants you,
but refuses to be with you.
I am not that.
I am not her.

And that is not good enough for you.
I will never be good enough for you.
Not because I'm not good enough.
But because,
I'm.
Not.
Her.