Why do I keep this part of me a secret?
Why don't I get help?
Why in the world would I try and go through this all by myself?
Because when I look at myself and see what I have created.. I hate it. I hate it so much. I don't want other people to see this part of me and hate me just as much as I hate it.
I don't need people to worry for me. I promise I do enough without other peoples help.
Talking to people will make it real. I don't want to become this monster In my mind.
So why do I pretend?
Because I don't want other people to suffer as much as I have to.

Nothing is wrong.
And even if something is I'm not going to tell you.
Go away.
Give it time.
Leave.
Thank you.

I'm fine.
I'm not dead.
I'm not really sad.
I really can function.
I get A's.
I love my family.
I can sleep sometimes.
I can still laugh at funny things.
I still smile at flowers and rivers.
I like dancing.
I can hold a conversation.
I don't lie..much.
I only lie if I don't want to hurt you.
I say "I" too much..sorry.
I am eating.
I'm okay.
Don't worry.

I remember things that most people don't.
I remember small flowers that I love.
I remember what songs I listen to with certain people.
I remember playing hide and seek with my cousins in a field.
I remember a compliment from a six year old.
I also remember turning down food over and over and over.
I remember stretching again and again.
I remember getting smaller and smaller.
I remember the night my dad told me that I was going to eat protein powder or two pieces of butter toast and I almost started
crying.
I remember my sister asking me if I starved myself and I said no.
I remember my music getting sadder
I remember closing off.
I remember trying to please people.
That's all I live for anymore..
I live for other people.

People ask me when I grew up
I don't really know.
My brother said its when my sister left for college.
My sister says its when high school got really hard.
My mom said its when I set my priorities straight.
I don't know.
I don't think I have grown up yet, I think I just got quiet. I stopped talking. I just stopped kinda everything.
I stopped watching movies with my dad.
I stopped singing in the car with people.
I stopped telling people how I felt.
I started hiding.
I started writing poetry.
I started faking smiles.
I don't think I've grown up yet..
I just started stopping.

Maybe nothing will ever work out.
Maybe you will end up being rich.
Maybe you will have 8 kids.
Maybe you will be the president.
Maybe you will grow a garden.
Maybe you will fall in love..
You will never find out if you end it.
Please keep going.
I need to convince myself to keep going too. We can make it.
Its really our decision.

No matter what you do it will never be enough.
No matter how much the alcoholic drinks or how much the workahlolic works or how much the anorexic starves or the bulimic purges or the athlete runs..
It will never
                 never
           never
     never
be enough to escape your mind.

I'm just tired.
Tired of wanting things
Tired of crying
Tired of thinking
Tired of pretending.
I'm just tired and I need a break
I just can't seem to find anything that's a break for me.
Its hard.
I'm getting done..
I need some sleep
But I can't.

I'm creaking.
My knees are creaking from being worn too soon.
My mind is creaking from all the thoughts getting worn down and they don't make sense anymore.
Like the gate to an old farm with the metal worn, and the hinges tight.
My life is creaking with the old.
My life needs some oil..
I need something new.
Everything is creaking.
I don't like the sound.
I need to figure out how to make it stop.

Red yellow orange
Breaking up the plain surface
Dripping from above

They say,
  You could do so much better.
  Shoot for the stars not the clouds.
The thing is, what if I want to shoot for the clouds and the birds in life?
What if I'm scared to death of failure?
I can't even handle the idea of failing.
People don't understand that I am okay with mediocre.
I don't care if I am the very best.
I just want to be good enough.
I don't ask a lot of myself because I always dissapoint.
So now when they say
  You could do so much better.
I will reply
  Yes I know, but I don't want better.

This is a race.
You, against yourself.
Winning is all that’s important.
Rip and tear yourself apart.
Beaten.
When you fall in this race, you're on your own.
No one is going to help you up.
Fast enough?
never
You think you know how far you can push it
then you fall.
You fall in a hole of gritty hard dirt.
That hole of dark and dreary, starts to feel like home.
You give up on ever getting out of this hole that you fell into.
Wondering if you will ever get out and continue this race.
You could try to climb.
But you know this hole well.
And you don’t want to come out.
You won’t come out.
Race, failed.
Winning isn’t even possible.
You can’t anymore..
You're done.

The girl in the pictures
Smiles in the hallways
Laughs with friends
Ya, I wish you could see
That she is not me.

The suns seems happy and bright
But what if its not
What if it's just told to be that way
It just doesn't know how to be cold
Its so used to being bright
People expect it to be that way
The sun has a purpose
It can't let all of us down
It has to keep shining
For us.

Sleep is good.
You need it.
Teens should get at least 8 hours.
Sleep is kinda like a break,
You close your eyes and escape reality.
Unless reality follows you into your sleep.
That started to happen to me.
I would fall asleep and thats when the monsters in my head would come out.
I wake up crying.
Dreams no longer exist.
People say to sleep more,
That's difficult when every time you wake up you want to make yourself sleep
Forever

Ignore me.
Don't look.
I'm destroying myself.
Don't watch.
I know you love me.
Walk away.
You will help me most by walking away.
Please.
I already hurt myself.
I don't want to hurt you too.

I had someone tell me that you can't really be broken.
I wanted to call them a liar.
I have felt broken, haven't you?
You think and worry and turn into something else. You panic and attack yourself. You hate who you are. By now you have pretended so much that you don't know who you are anymore. Your thoughts change, your personality changes, you change. You will never go back to how you were.. It won't ever be the same.
I don't know about you, but I classify that as broken.
You can be fixed, you just won't ever be the way you were before.

I like simple things.
Walking
Breathing
Talking
I don't like simple things that turn into compex things.
Sprinting
Hyperventilating
Arguing
I have a hard time focusing on simplicity when it all changes into complexity without warning.

You are crying for help.
You need help
You think I can help..
Its 2:00am
I get a text
I get a call
  I can't help you
  I wont let myself.
I'm sorry I'm so broken.
I try and give you comfort.
   No one was there to comfort me.
I try to be your friend.
   I didn't even have a friend.
I want you to trust me.
  I don't even trust myself.
Everytime I try to help I make it worse.
I can't help you.
I will hurt you.
Part of me knows you can do it.
I did.
I love you.
But I can't help you.
Sorry.
Bye now.

My mind is exploding.
I have so much in my head.
This oxygen, I'm breathing, I'm surviving.
I'm killing time.
I'm killing my thoughts.
I need less.
I need less of me.
I need less ideas.
I'm fighting my head.
It's a literal war.
The sad thing is that
I don't think I'm winning.

I don't quite understand why the sun on my face or the hot pavement on my feet makes me feel free.
Because skin gets burned.
I don't really know why the boxy shoes that judge and snarl make me feel beautiful when I dance.
Because they broke me.
I don't really know why mcdonalds french fries and country songs that I hate make me miss you.
Because you were more than that.
I don't get why they say the light always wins the darkness or why the dark always scared me.
Because now the darkness feels like home.

January is new
A fresh start.
A time when you ponder life.
Where were you a year ago?
Where will you be a year from now?
You can only hope not here.
Not feeling like this.
This year has been hell.
You know I don't think I can go one more.
I guess we will see.
January is a fresh start to a mess.
Good luck.

I feel guilty
I have no right to feel like this
I have no real reason to
write poems like this
I don't know when I started to
enjoy being alone more than with company
Nothing happened
Nothing changed,
Except me.

You don't feel the tight skin.
You don't hear the buttons pop.
You don't feel the seams rip.
You don't see my mirror.
You tell me I look healthy.
You tell me I have cute curves.
You tell me I need to eat.
But you don't understand.
When you are asking me to eat,
You are asking me to give up.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I'm this way.
  I don't try to be sad.
I'm sorry that you worry about me.
  I'm not worth the time.
I'm sorry I'm a disappointment.
  I want to make you proud.
I'm sorry that I lie to you.
  Its just to protect you.
I'm sorry that I am so busy.
  I need more time.
I'm sorry that I am so closed off.
  I don't want to hurt you.
I'm sorry that I am
Broken
Lost
me.
I'm sorry that I want to die.
  I know its selfish.
I love you.

Sparkling dresses. Fake smiles. Loud music. Dancing. Pointless hellos.
lipstick
Blood. Bathtub. Sink. Curling iron. Water.
Goodbye written across the mirror in
lipstick
Black dresses. Fake comfort. Loud silence. Staring. Lasting goodbyes. Death.
lipstick.

I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff just waiting for the ground underneath me to
g i v e
Maybe if I was more grateful.. maybe I just need to stop being so selfish and
g i v e
I should just take my life and let someone else have the responsibility. I will just
g i v e
g i v e
g i v e
Its all I can do other than taking.

I stare at the shattered glass on the floor.
Why hasn't it broken before.
Maybe it was tired of getting
Touched
Bumped
Dropped
Used.
If I were the glass I would have shattered too.
I think in a way I am the glass
Shattered on the floor.
There's only pieces of me left.
Be careful parts of me are sharp
Sweep me up with a broom
Let the world devour me.
Let me poke little holes in the trash bag.
I may be pieces
But I never disappeared
completely