Why did i think you could do no wrong?
I was utterly convinced you’d always protect me.
Little did i know you were secretly the monster i feared.
Living with this constant question of
Is it abuse if they love you? if you love them?
Am i ever going to heal from this?
Maybe one day i’ll have my answer(s).

~

People like to ask a lot of questions, their
Invasive prying has me feeling violated all over again.
Eager to learn the details of one of the most painful nights of my life.
Tell me again what you’d have done differently, when you should be
Reveling in the fact that you can’t relate.
Only one person is to blame for what happened and that’s him.

i look for you in the faces on the street
i ache for you in the songs that i sing

an out i didn't take
the memories unmade
a life we didn't live

he hurt me
but i hurt you
that's just the way it is

you say i’m always in my head
that it’s like talking to the dead
wish i was someone else instead
somebody "normal"


hanging onto every word they said
the lies and rumors they used to spread


you say it’s all inside my head
that you love me but you’re in her bed
wish you were someone else instead
somebody "normal"

i had a dream about you last night.

i’m wearing mismatched socks.
my face, bruised and ******
my body, slumped
in the corner of the handicap stall.
you’re standing above me
smiling, happy even.

“not happy, just killing time”.
your voice so soft, so sweet
the perfect lullaby
to put me to sleep.
i pass out from your love.

i woke up this morning
phone cord wrapped around my neck.
felt like a noose,
felt like you.
“i didn’t mean to hurt you”
(but you’ll do it again).

cigarettes in the backyard.
crossed legs on the patio table.
it feels like my stomach is filled with acid
and my head is filled with smoke.
you grabbed me and it stung like a bee.
i want to drink ’til i forget you.
i want to get so high that i forget myself.

i’m no angel.
i’m just a little dolly who gets broken easily.
i’m an artist using their own body as a canvas,
razor blades for brushes, blood for paint.
be a disaster with me.
ruin me with your eyes,
fill my soul with *****
and break my bones.

i’m feeling emotionally dead inside.
like forgotten flowers in the attic,
unfilled holes in the ceiling.
i’m hollow.
like vintage television sitcoms,
trap doors in old houses.

the chambers of my heart are filled
with cobwebs and spider eggs.
eyelids swollen shut.
mud up to my ears;
i’m choking on worms.
you’re killing me
but a very muffled “i forgive you”
still manages to escape my lips.

there is no remedy for a sickness quite like this.

do you ever get depressed
not knowing what’s coming next
not able to undo the past
despite your efforts the good won’t last

smoking every day making my life hazy
cuffed in place with these chains of daisies

folding playing cards when i didn’t used to
it’s the little things that make me miss you

the day i was cast out into the world
through *******
they looked between mine
and declared, simply:
“it’s a girl”.

we’re taught to be ashamed
of who we are
that people like me, like us,
are freaks of nature.

told me the body i was given
this body, is sacred.
that i should never tamper with it.
that it’s blasphemous to trespass
on divine territory.

(who knew i could be a trespasser in my own home?)

you point to the sky,
tell me
god doesn’t make mistakes.
turn that finger back on me, on us,
spew ridicule for the ones we’re supposedly making
for merely having the courage to be.

what is it that makes doctors and parents alike
so reluctant to believe that
there are other colors out there
besides pink and blue?

the lines are blurring ––
[**** robin thicke]
this is not a phase.
this choice was not mine to make
(unlike the one you made for me).
don’t tell me who or what i am.

i didn’t climb out of one box
just to be shoved into another.

she's inside me.
sitting in the back of my throat.
i can feel her presence there,
feel her beckoning me.
i reach my hand out to take hers but
she's always just out of reach.

all she brings is pain.
i don't even know her name.
but i love her anyway.

i look at you and
my heart begins to flutter wildly
creating a certain heat inside of me, beneath my skin
my heart swells and swells
until it bursts, ripping my chest open and spraying my guts
against the surrounding walls in a thin layer of glittering entrails

a masterpiece of carnage and gore
practically glistening in the morning sunlight
so dazzling, i barely even notice the smell of my sizzling flesh
as the golden sun rays rain down on my ruptured organs,
transforming them into a puddle of bubbling crimson brew

my legs turn numb and i collapse to the floor
in a pile of bones and blood

oh how you make me MELT .

downing pills; oxycontin candy
she’s going numb but feeling dandy
eyes grow heavy, pulse begins to drop
the silence is deafening
waiting for her heart to stop
the hours tick by with no end in sight
left questioning whether she even did it right

woke up in a tub of ice
no surprise, it’s already happened twice
fingertips turned a pale blue hue
blood stains on the covers spell[ing] out “i love you”
bodiless whispers echo through the halls
broken light fixtures and blood on the walls
open windows calling out to her (me)
urging her on to set herself (myself) free

she plunged her words so deep into my soul i'll never find myself again.
how do you escape the hell you've made yourself into?
trapped in my own home.
no where to turn, no where to hide.
no where is safe from her stone gaze, from the tales of her tongue.

i crave the solace of the blade,
the kiss of the cold metal.
quick, sharp movements
across the savanna of my body.
vintage dress and mangled flesh.
mirror, mirror, what do you see?
"a sinking ship"

your skin on mine;
we lie here

with fingers interlaced
and our eyes locked
then with legs intertwined
and my head cocked
in the crook of your neck

here is where i feel safest;
my skin on yours

in the backyard
lighting up a smokescreen
high on all the thoughts
of what once was and could have been

filled to the brim with these emotions
but i don't feel a thing
how tiring it is to always think so much
and still remain the same

poor girl using her own body as a canvas.
blades as brushes and blood as paint.
to recount her life story
into a single illustration,
before the clock runs out
and the book finally shuts.

the kind of girl
who loves the world
but can't stand to live in it.
who loves to cook
but can't get herself to eat.
who loves to write
but fails to express herself.
because all she feels is 'numb'.

i don’t count aloud anymore.
i can't stand to hear your name,
such a common word.
it doesn't matter the context-
i still go quiet every time.

i used to pick up pennies, called them lucky.
i remember picking up a few
on our way back to your place.
nowadays i don't give them a second glance.
it's not their worth i've forgotten.

they say one is the loneliest number.
is that why you did it?
because you felt you’d earned it
after all this time being by yourself--
that you deserved it?
what about me,
did i?

i remember exactly what i wore that day:
short shorts, a big baggy t shirt.
i haven't worn those shoes since (and i so loved them).
they were these expensive purple velvet platforms;
i'd actually had to beg my mother to buy them for me.
"you better wear them", she warned.
that day i went home with you was
the first time i'd ever worn those shoes.
and the last.
sorry mom.

i'll never think of you as 'the one that got away'.
i stayed.
i stood by your side.
you're the one that let go of my hand.

i’ve gotta rewire some things inside me
not in the right headspace to take life on right now
without a little extra help from those around and before and inside me

i’ve gotta release some demons, exorcise me
keeping them bottled up for so long, they’ve
got other people’s hands all over me, shaking things up
a prisoner to my own hidden feelings , i’m ready to burst

want to get it out, once and for all
not be trapped inside any longer

a bunch of secrets bouncing around my bones
like stubborn trespasser(s)

i
mold
meld
melt
molt

i find myself lost in us again
wrapping your& words around me like a hug
falling in love with this cosmic entanglement
watched us bloom in times of turmoil
and
i'm just so happy to be home, finally

i held the world in my hands
but i had to let her down gently

very start of the new year
empty wine bottles hidden in your bin
i couldn’t be around that, you knew this
what the **** were you thinkin’

got all these voices in my head
and monsters in my bed
and memories of words and things
i can't recall i said

woke up, said good morning
hope one day i’ll actually mean it

do i look as empty as i feel?

i’ve been thinking about you
i like the idea of you thinking about me

what i’m doing is unhealthy and awful and yet i keep doing it

i’d rather argue with you than be with someone else

i didn't mean to hurt you
but i'll do it again

wish i could tell you what you mean to me
wish you’d believe me if i did

i love you but i’m not what you want/need

did my love for you make you feel anything?
did i at least make you feel something?

may you find the peace you seek

will i be homesick forever?

i hope you know i meant every word of it

all this love will **** me but i don’t think i mind

take my hand, take my whole life too


it’s not only a bad day




people come and go
their loss

these tears will come and go

you couldn’t do anything to me
i wouldn’t do to myself

you’re ruining everything

you killed me with that final kiss goodbye

i never stopped loving you
i hope you’re well

I am wilting from the pressure 
it's been so long since I felt pleasure 

I'm trying to find the positive 
to feel the sunshine on my skin
but the storm clouds they won't leave me 
there's too much darkness deep within

I never saw myself as a flower 
but I can still feel myself wilting 
(so it must be true)

never quite sure of who or where i am
this head's all over the place
wishing it all could be so easy
to look back at this face

see the real me through these eyes
not be fooled by this flesh disguise
there's a familiarity to the confusion

voices echoing inside me
they want to share time
invited them in, it’s a party
can't distance ourselves in the same body

January 19, 2014
12:21 AM

the tiny galaxies in my mind
behind my eyes have burst
temporarily blinded, the world is lost in darkness
****** into a black hole where am i
where am i going and how will i get there now
maybe by bus or by train
riding on the back of a shooting star
or the wings of a monarch butterfly
oh darling will you be my starlight
my everlasting sunshine
and guide me through this
everlasting absence of it
will you hold my hand
and promise to never let go
to never let me fall into the abyss?
i've fallen enough in my life and
by enough i mean once and
that one time was ‘in love with you’

your fingertips glide across my skin;
tracing the curve of my back and
all the faults that reside thereof.

scars,
dimples,
birthmarks,
s t r e t c h marks.

these little imperfections
appear to be not just here,
but everywhere
on my godforsaken body.
they are all so uniquely diverse,
yet i find myself loathing
each and every one of them.

your touch sends
a sudden shiver racing down my spine,
as if a wire were tied around it,
sending electric waves throughout my body.

i can feel the goosebumps forming,
and the familiar chill that comes with them.
they spread [across my body] like wildfire,
making them a contradiction.

my pulse quickens,
and i find myself feeling restless.
as the night goes on,
i cannot help but give in
to the terribly obscene thoughts
that i have for you.