My heart is exploding into a million pieces.
Shes more of a drug
More addicting than ****** could ever be.

The rain that falls from the clouds
is the same water thats flowing from my eyes
at the thought of distance
from you
and tears of envy
for any person who gets to hold you
any person who gets to see you
when I cant.

I beg your pardon,
I never promised you a rose garden,
Now let your heart un-harden,
Before you again beg my pardon.

To the girl my life revolved around
The girl I love to death
And miss more and more each day
With every passing breath
Every time my heart beats
It aches a little more
For your touch
Your kiss.

"That's how it's always been"
They say
"It's biblical. That's how it's always been done and that's how it should be."

Excuse me?

According to you we must follow the bible?
Have you followed the bible? Uhh no.
The enlightenment was a long time ago.
Get with the program.

I believe in the afterlife
But only to a certain extent
For me it all just seems like Hell.

I wanted to write a poem about how I felt.
I sat there with a pen in my hand
And a blank piece of paper.

I then realized that was exactly how I felt.
And I was done.

I see you staring from across the room
You think as of I don't notice
But what you have yet to figure out
Is all the while you've been staring at me
I've been staring at you.

That girls more like a drug
Not the good kind that cures disease
But the kind that is a disease
That causes the disease
That girl is addictive
And I'm attached
Send me to rehab
Cause I can't stay away
From her nor the blade.

Just a kiss
To say goodbye
But instead I said hello
To painful memories
That I had already said goodbye to
Long long ago

Just let me go
To the place
Where one day I will call my home
Let me go
To a place
Where I will no longer feel alone
Let me go
To the place
Where nothing but love is shown
Just let me go
To that place
And my body be nothing but bone.
Just let me go.

She is my my drug.
She is my liquid courage,
And my ******.
Someone as bad for my soul as
A blade is for my skin
And yet her
And all these things are addictive
Took me captive
But I don't want to be set free.
Yet I have...

She's bad for me
Worse for my soul
Than ****** is for my body
But yet I'm addicted to her
And just a thought
Can bring me back to my knees
Begging for more
Of my lovely drug.

I write as of nobody listens
As if nobody cares
My soul within the words glistens
And yet I continue to share.

Either way I'm destined to burn
By Christianity; my hell is fire
By reincarnation; hell is to return.

I'm homesick for a land where I've not yet lived.
I'm yearning for a change to bliss
Peacefulness
The kind that's only obtained when the remnants of this life are 6 feet under.

My best friends are noting but strangers with familiar faces.

My heart rips into two pieces
For both of you
One side of my heart stands
A boy full of love for me
And kindness
On the other side stands
A boy full of passion
And desire
As if he was a siren
Eager to lure in the weakest
Beautiful prey.
My heart has ripped in two
Holding on merely by placement
And one side is about to fall
Into darkness
To be covered by dirt
Burried and forgotten.
Who is on the side to fall?

I do not have a gay agenda
That consists of me stealing your faith
Crushing your god
And molesting you with my eyes
If you pass me in a crowded hall.

I do not have a gay agenda
That consists of me taking the minds
Of innocent children
And leading then into devil worship.

I do have a gay agenda
That consists of me (a girl)
Finding the perfect girl
To call my wife
And start a family with.

I do have a gay agenda
That consists of me letting love be fluid
Labels have no meaning
Or bounds
And letting religion roam free.

So with my simple gay agenda of love
Why are you so worried?
Are you afraid that my agenda will beat out yours?
After all love trumps all hate
In the end
One way or another.

What if:
Our religion decided where we go.
Where we believe paradise is.
And those who believe nothing are stuck in limbo or come back
through reincarnation
To their paradise
Earth.

Why do I still change
her to him
In my writings?
Why am I ashamed to admit to the world
I'm in love
With a girl?

We have clouds of lightning and thunder, who needs stars?

I am a quiet ticking time bomb to self destruction.

The darkness can creep around you
And hold you
Like you would a grieving loved one
But it can also hold you
Like a prisoner
And you will be traped
Within the stronghold
Of darkness.

You see
A person only truly falls in love
Once in their life time
And once that time is used up
There is no more.
You can lie to yourself
And to others
But if you were truly in love with them
That love cannot be undone.
I am in love.
A love that won't go away
With my best friend.
I fell off
The bridge of love
And into the waters
Where he followed
But his love came with strings attached
A bungee
And he jumped back up
And left me sitting there in the waters
While he's up on the bridge
Calling me up there
While I'm wishing him down here
And I have no bungee.

I have anxiety for the fact that anxiety will be the death if me.

He took my black heart
Dipped it in red blood
And turned it white as snow
But my snow is tainted
Yet I ask to be dipped in that blood
On a daily basis
As my heart continues to blacken.

Is it so hard to understand
Contemplate
Or begin to wrap your mind around the fact
That a person
Such as myself
Can be a christian
But gay.
Can be pro-marriage
But also pro-life.
Can want guns,
But also want to marry a girl.
My beliefs.
Don't tell me what I can and cannot believe
Or do
Simply because it doesn't fit into a mold
That you have stereotyped
For that group of people.

Why is religion a bad tool
Used to turn a general nice person
Into a raging political *******?

God should be used as love
And a light for your path
Not as a weapon.

"Trust in The Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"*

I consider myself a rational person
And as the label mentions
A rational person
Rationalizes.
I tend to get confused
The state of mind over matter
And question existence
And panic.
Thoughts invade
Conquer
And rule
My every member.
But within my panic
I stop
And pick up a book
And turn to
Proverbs
3:5
And like that
My mind rationalizes
Safeness
In my saviors arms.

I think that
Writing a poem is hard.
Maybe not just
A few words
On a few lines
But a masterpiece
Of your soul
Transformed into words
Called a poem
That transformation is hard
But oh they say
Poetry is easy
Anyone can write a poem
But few can write it in
The ink
That their soul bleeds.

Starvation feels like recovery
And food feels like relapse

I remember
the way she held my hand like no one was watching
because to her
no one was.

I remember
the slight panic that would always go through my head
when she'd hold my hand
because I wouldn't let anyone know
I liked girls.

I remember
our first kiss.
How she started at my cheek
and then moved to my lips
but only for a moment
to move back to my cheek
and down to my neck.

I remember
the first time I ever felt that electricity
flow through my body
so fluidly
I though my cells had liquified.

I remember
the day that she wore sleeves so low
you could only see her finger tips.
Her legs were never shown.

I remember
that day, because that was the day
she broke my heart
for the first time
involuntarily.

I remember
my hand lifting up her sleeve
even though my mind was screaming at me
"DON'T!
You don't want to see this."
But I did anyways.

I remember
how she was wearing two shirts
the first soaked with blood
the second only spotted.

I remember
my heart tearing into two
individual pieces
because I wasn't there for her at the time
she needed me most.

I remember
reading.

I remember
reading the words of her soul
that were etched onto her skin.
A "FML" in bright red letters
on the top of her hand
and a tally mark on her arm
for every time she thought
she wasn't good enough
and I wasn't there to reassure her
of just how amazing
she really was.

I remember
Christmas.
Her surgeries
and multiple trips to the hospital.

I remember
my panic attacks
for fear of losing her forever.
That was the second time
she broke my heart
involuntarily.

I remember
our first break up.

I remember
how it hurt her more
than it could ever possibly hurt me.
And it hurt a whole **** lot
when I heard the words
"I'm sorry"
"I cant"
"I love you"
and "Its only to protect you".

I remember
screaming.
Screaming at her
my friends
the walls
and to God.
To everyone and no one
because I didnt know how to express
my heartbreak.
That was the third time
she broke my heart
involuntarily.

I remember
loving her.
Without a soul knowing
because I was ashamed
to tell people
"I love this girl!"

I remember
the day I got the news
that I may possibly never see her again.
That she had been taken away
to a home
and that she cant have contact with anyone.

And now I remember
the feelings
of wanting to scream from the rooftops
"I loved that girl!"

I remember
because those feelings happened
a mere 10 seconds ago.
This is the fourth time
shes broke my heart
involuntarily.

But within all these painful memories
I remember
her.

Oh, so I'm the ****?
How's that?
When the only person I've slept with
Is the one you call darlin
You know the one
My batman
How is it that I'm the ****
When you've slept with everyone
On Gods green earth?
Watch what you say ***,
I'm not your mirror.
****.

You know you're in it deep
When 500 calories a day
Seems like too much to even contemplate.

When you see the number on the scale
Going down continuously
But the reflection in the mirror
Widening.

First your eating is disordered
Then you have what they call an eating disorder
And then there's no eating to it.

You know you're in it deep
When you sit down to a meal
With your family
And you break into tears.

And nobody can even tell.

You are my love,
Mi corazón,
Mi vida.
The ruler of my world,
Mi reina.
Although our love is not typical,
Tu me dijeste te amo
And I believe you
because you are mine.
Mi chica.
And I, yours.
You say that one day,
voy a ser la desposada
But my dear,
you will be mine too.
*Casado bajo el ocaso.
Te Amo.
Siempre.

I feel like with you gone that
I remain forever breathless
Never to see you again
You're still alive but
Held away from me
I want and need you back
I love you
Because *** without you
I'm not me.

And I sit here wondering what all happened here before
Because you see
Mirrors tell a story
To the select few
Who tune into their energy enough to listen.
the mirrors tell two different stories one of the present
and just reflects everything being told.
And one of the past
that tells everything ever shown.
A mirror records all energy
ever witnessed
And a mirror doesn't lie.

Nine razors at access but
I only need one
To **** myself with.

I chose the steps as my place to write
Because the steps are my place where I sit and think night after night.
My never ending thoughts of blood pouring from my arm
Physically inflicting myself with enough harm
To end this life all together
Because let's be honest nothing lasts forever.
But tonight my steps are an analogy
For everything that could possibly be
Because although they are nothing but a stairwell
They paint a mental picture for me of descending into hell.
I know it's only to the basement that they lead
But I panic and begin to plead;
"Dear God if you would
Free my soul from only the things that you could.
I feel that my sins have caused too much heart ache
That maybe it would be a mistake
To help me at all."
Because I'm just a simple girl who took a great fall
Out of my saviors hands
And into the corrupted land.
Night after night I say I apologize
But I feel that it's nothing but lies
Because I only repeat the same sins
Without change time and time again.
And yet I still ask for forgiveness
To create this temporary internal bliss
That will flee my heart
Faster than a flying dart.
Because my mind is black
Tainted too much to ever go back
To it's original form.
Therefore I am stuck in a dorm
With death as my lover and roommate
And a nightly date.
Time to get ready
Because me and death, we're going steady.

I. Sexuality (textbook definition) - capacity for ****** feelings.

II. Sexuality (urban dictionary) - having been born liking either males or females. Sexuality encompasses being gay, bi, straight, lesbian, *******, or transgendered. Sexuality is the drive designed in humans to what they are attracted to. Most people mistake the word lifestyle for sexuality which is why there is ignorance in our country.

III. Sexuality (to homophobes) - a sin unless you like your opposite gender. No exploring your sexuality before marriage. If your sexuality is anything but straight you're going to hell.

What is sexuality when you develop a sexuality before you even know what *** is?

How is something a sin when it's developed before you reach kindergarten?

I knew I liked girls before I knew how read.

How did I choose to be gay when I have no recolation of ever making that decision?

So the question I come to ask myself is what, I rather how is sexuality?

A fiery poet is nothing more than a fire
that took the image of a person
to burn out its creativity
through words.

Its a true burning passion
that only the best have within them.
A flaming soul
Never to be extinguished.

Able to manipulate the flames
and form words
burned on paper
through black ink

They are a camp fire
With food roasted
And stories told around them
Holding memories forever.

The poets are a house fire
Pictures burned
Melted into the flames
And spit out as a rhyming haiku.

They are a candle
Lit by a bed side
During a lovers first time
With the flames flickering on the wall.

A fiery poet is nothing if not the fire that burns the fuel that runs the world.

To all it may concern: straight people

Dear straight parents,
Thank you,
For making us gays,
And then making us feel like **** for being created,
But hey, you created us.

Dear straight people,
Shut your **** mouth.
We don't care.
Your words aren't going to change us,
No protest signs are gonna change us,
Only God can,
And that isn't an excuse to try and pray the gay away.

Dear straight men,
If a girl likes another girl,
They are not your ****** play toy.
Remove those perverted thoughts from your head,
And learn to control your *****.

Dear straight men,
If a boy likes another boy,
And they don't like you,
Then keep your mouth shut.
If you don't like it,
Then don't be gay.
It doesn't concern you,
And it's none of your ******* business.

Dear straight women,
Just because a girl likes another girl,
Does not make her a ****,
Or a *****,
Or a *****,
But who knows she may be.
But since you're making assumptions like that,
You're probably one of the before mentioned.

Dear straight women,
Ahem "straight",
Go away.
Quit flirting with us,
Because it's annoying and confusing.
Figure out what you want
And try again later.

Dear straight ally's,
Thank you.
You need to procreate,
And make more of you,
Because the world seems to be full of
*******
And biggots.

Dear straight people,
You don't have to like us,
But hating us,
And bashing us,
Isn't gonna make us suddenly go away,
Or quit being gay.
Go back to your prayers that the gays will come to realize if you want,
But I think there are bigger problems in the world
That you need to be concerned with
More than a girl liking *****.

Sincerely,
One who is both a straight and a gay.

My sexuality is more fluid than water
And cannot be defined
By simple
Text book definition terms
Created by man
To force me into a mold
And put me in the freezer
To stay there frozen forever
As if I was water
My sexuality is not me
But it is part of me
And did I not just say
My sexuality is more fluid than water.

I'm done repressing my gayness
Because it's the "Christian" thing to do.
I will wear ******* rainbow ****** pasties
And march in a pride parade
If I please
And then go to church and praise Jesus
And God and the Holy Spirit
For making the way I am
And how I am
Because he made me perfect.
I am gay
I am Christian
I am proud to be both.

Why are we in love with the sight of our own bones protruding just under the skin?
Why do us girls find our image worth more than a meal
and more important than the signs that our bodies are screaming at us
through hunger pains?
What happens when the only thing your body consumes is lies?
Until death takes over
or until were 20 pounds past our initial goal weight
we wont stop.
That is assuming we can stop.

Its that moment when you realize you'll never see her again,
you realize how much she really meant to you.
"Only know you love her when you let her go."