Quit asking me whats wrong.
If I wanted to talk about it,
I would talk,
but I dont talk about things like that,
I write.
So if you really want to know whats wrong with me,
Poetry is my journal.
Go read.

The question as humans we frequently ask,
Is where do our thoughts and memories,
Our energy,
That we've labeled as our soul,
Where do they go when our body is still,
Mute and lifeless?

Very few contemplate with much dedication on the religious viewpoint the question of,
Where did we come from?

Sure.
Someone might say that we evolved from single celled microorganisms.
Another might say that we came from the dust and that our soul is Gods breath thriving inside.

They take one of those answers or neither and go with it.

I see our bodies as a mathematical equation.
God being X
All things living being equal to Y.

The equation doesn't line up with X being the only factor to equal Y,
If so humans would be equal to God,
Which we are not.

The question is, what's the other variable?
The part that somehow takes energy jumping between the organic wiring in our brains,
To make a single human being.

I have moments where I feel that my world is spinning out of control,
That I'm spinning down a hole,
But not to Wonderland.

The only thing that soothes my aching heart,
Is when we are not apart.
I feel a need to be back in her arms.

Cuando yo dije "te amo"
I meant it.
Cuando tu dijiste "te amo"
You didnt.
Odio que me mientan.

Tu tienes mi corazon para siempre.

Why take my heart and possess it in a place where it cannot thrive,
Only suffer.

Why be so crule as to take my mind captive,
Then toil and torture it?

Love I will fight back.
I would rather love and remain repressed and silent,
Then to ever ponder hate thoughts of you.

Tu tienes mi corazon para siempre.

Crescent and forever looking down on us as if it were God and we are its children.
Shining a light and providing a path for those who are blinded by the darkness down below.

They say that I'm acting different in a way,
That I seem more sad today.
I'm not acting anymore sad,
My acting just got bad.
Because I lack a care,
In wanting to share,
The thoughts that took me.
I've stopped acting, let me be.

I am an old soul
Stuck in the body of a teen
Trapped as who I am not.

Reincarnation
A belief of returning
Again and again.

Reincarnation
Is the one to blame for this
Odd "old soul syndrome".

Who was  I before
Peculiar faint memories
That never happened.

What if this belief
Is my imagination
Overactive mind.

What's the point in pointing the finger of blame,
And leaving remnants of shame,
That rip through our family walls.
Why must we mold and conform to what we call the "Love laws".
Rules to live by that control what we think,
But I swear I'm on the brink,
Of saying "**** it all".

You say that you love me,
And yet you won't let me be who I am meant to be.
You put on this image,
Of perfectness that seems to lack a blemish.
Would you take a moment to look back and realize how ****** up this is?
You can't because you have your head stuck so far up the book that is the almighty His.
I wish you would.

But please don't get me wrong,
I get up and sing those good ol' Christian songs,
Just like you do,
But mine are true.
You're a Christian in the walls of glory,
But every where else you act out your Christian faith so poorly.
Stop blaming and hiding behind that book.

No matter what you do or say,
My love for you will always stay,
Because a Loves a Love no matter what,
Just hold on and I promise we'll get through this rut.
No matter how we disagree,
I know that we will never see,
Eye to eye.

But if somehow by fate we do,
That would be the day that my dreams come true,
To have a family that doesn't fight,
But loves each other day and night.
That dream of mine is too far away,
So for now the circumstances stay,
How they have always been.

What happens when life turns to hell and
even heaven has that offset view
of hells gates deceiving
Trickery, mockery.
Heavens lights are dimming
Hells fire is burning ever more.

When you're up on stage,
It's like time slows.
Your breathing is more focused,
Your heart beats a little faster.
You go out there and own it and do your very best,
Because there's no point in embarrassing yourself,
With a little pity thing called fear.
The rush of adrenaline pours over you,
And like that you're addicted.
You crave the curtain opening,
And the applause at the end.
Your heart drops when you miss a line,
Or fumble on a word.
The stage becomes your life,
And consumes you,
As if acting was a drug.

Things I ask myself,
They have already been asked to me by others dear.
But no matter the asker,
My answer remains the same.
Would I go all the way with you?
Follow you to the end of the world?
Would I?
With no gaurentee that you wouldnt just shake me off and go on with your life like I was  never even there.
I don't have that gaurentee...
Would I follow you to the end of the world?
Just on the basis of a delusion,
That I think was falsly approved.

Be strong, be thin, be smart, be small.
No food.
You're not really hungry you just think you are.
Don't eat. It's not worth it.
You're at fat ***. That's what you see and what others around you see.
Your image and how others see you is worth more than a meal.
Be an actress.
The greatest act you will ever put on is making people think you're happy living life this way.
100 down.
100 more to go.
Strive on and stay strong.

Shame is an odd and curious thing.
It makes you feel like the lesser,
But it's a figment of your own imagination,
Put onto you by someone no other than yourself.

Turning the page of life,
Revealing a new chapter in this epic fairy tale we live in.
Maybe were turning the last page to the end of our book,
With the back cover slammed in our faces.

There's nothing more I can hide from you.
Only the secrets that are kept between me and God,
And the devil of course,
That no other soul knows.
I assume that you assume things,
Just by my past,
That could be expected from someone who is...was gay.
Secrets of love and ***,
But that's an expected unextraordinary story that could be told by any teenager of today.
You've seen me raw,
With an innermost secret I wished to stay hidden.
But here I am.
No more acting for you,
Or being who you want me to be.
I'm just me now. You know.
Love me or hate me.

Dont cry when I leave.
I've been ready to go for a life time it seems.

A poet in love is like a match soaked in gasoline,
And when a poet falls in love,
With someone no more than another poet themselves,
A catastrophe is created.

I cant find her page and I cant find her pictures.
Im losing what the sight of what her face looked like.
Not only her did I lose,
But now Im losing memories.
Its getting harder to remember those little conversations we had.
I miss her.
Results of a teenage suicide.

I'm losing my mind,
I've gone mad.
Assuming I was ever sain to start with.

Is that the lowest moment?
When you don't dare to wear shorts because of the scars that cover your legs.
And then you're sitting there at the dinner table with your family,
And they keep on telling you to eat,
But all you mutter is "I'm not hungry",
When you actually are.
You're starving but your image is worth more than a meal.
You eat a few bites just to shut them up,
And then run to the bathroom to rid yourself of it,
To make sure you can fit into those jeans,
The ones that could stand you losing another 5 pounds.
You get used to the lies of:
"I'm not hungry"
"I ate before I came"
And "oh yeah I'm fine, just tired".
Is that your lowest point,
When the only food you're feeding yourself is lies?

As I wrote before,
"Pardon me while I write,
Because for once in my life I did whats right."
And "My weapon of choice is a pen."
This time,
Pardon me while I cry,
Because if I don't....
I wont do whats right.
I wont write.
I'll draw.

Every time you take a blade to your skin,
You flirt,
And play with death.
You toy with it,
Likes its a thorn on a beautiful,
Blood.
Red.
Rose.

What do you do when you cant breathe and you cant eat and your sitting here with a blank stare, lifeless...?
Where do you go from there?
When theres no where to go...?

You look into the light and what do you see?
Bright,
Beautiful,
Shining safety.
Let the light guide you.
Let the light take you to safety.
Let the light take you home.

Talking to you,
It makes me miss you more and more,
With every breath I breathe.
You take my heart,
Swirl it around and do your magic.
Its like I'm in a trance,
Like I've been swept under your spell.

I crave you,
And everything you are.
I miss you,
More than anyone, by far.
I love you.

"I can only imagine..."
The second that hit my heart felt like it hit the floor,
And I burst out into tears.
Then there was the signal,
To release the balloons,
And let go.
Say goodbye.
"Will I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall?"
We watched 450 balloons drift away until only 3 were left.
3 blue ones seemed to line up,
And float into the clouds late,
After everyone else's did.
Time to say goodbye.

A week ago today I got the news,
A friend of mine had been killed in a car crash,
Along with a boy from my school,
And two other friends were injured.
On Wednesday the whole school had a memorial for anyone who wanted to say goodbye.
I wasn't ready to.
And I'm still not. I feel weak.

If her eyes are dead,
Then her soul is dead,
And if her soul is dead, what's the point in living anyways.
Just a corpse wasting air,
Wasting breath.
Let the girl rest in peace.

The loss of a friend,
Physical heartbreak.
Hes gone.
Never to return.
Goodbye Max.
You will be missed.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
Or at least thats what they say.
What a beautiful world it must be to the blind.

How can I fake a smile,
Like its the easiest thing in the world?
Make everything look normal,
And natural,
When within the walls of my mind,
Ive already dissed myself a million times.

Momma, Daddy,
Im sorry.
Im sorry Im not the girl you wanted me to be.
The one who grows up to marry a good Christian boy.
Im sorry its not gonna end up that way.
Because your baby girl,
Likes girls herself,
And not by option.
I would give anything just to be normal,
And make you proud.
Your baby girl aint gonna grow up to marry that boy you want me to,
The good old Christian one...
Shes gonna grow up to marry a girl,
And shes gonna fight the crazy Christians every step of the way.
I wish I liked boys as much as girls.
I wish I was the way you want me to be.
But Im not.
And Im sorry.
But Im not going to change,
By anything you say,
Because trust me,
Anything you can and will say,
Ive already said to myself.
But all thats left is say now is...
Im sorry.

Dont judge me on my game today,
Im not at my best.
Im distracted by the troubles of play,
Im not ready for this test.

Jealousy can be a *****,
The biggest ***** of them all,
But this feeling proves one thing that I've been scared to admit...
I love her.

When I talk to her,
Or when Im thinking of her,
I cant focus on anything.
I feel buzzed,
Love drunk.

Must I be labeled?
Put into a classification,
Of what I am,
And what I believe?
Can I not just be human,
Or just be a girl?
Can I not believe in gay rights,
But at the same time be pro-life?
Can I not be a Christian,
And love girls?
Can I not want to see a change in this country,
Without being a liberal?
Why must you stamp a label on me,
Put me into a classification,
With a set of guidelines for me to follow,
Can I not just be me,
And do what I believe?

You think you can change me?
Go ahead an try.
You'll fail.

Im sorry to say goodbye to you,
But this is just too much,
In such a short period of time,
And I cannot take the stress,
I cant take handle the drama,
That seems to come along with loving you.
That statement is true,
I do love you.
I always have,
Since the moment I laid eyes on you as a kid,
And possibly always will,
Secretly, until my very last breath.
But I am tired of all the ****,
That follows you and your "friends",
And they tell me stories of you,
And some other girl,
That only a bestfriend would know.
I love you.
Oh how much I love you.
Darling I hate to say goodbye,
But you have lost my trust.

Dear Future Me,
I hope things get better. I know they wont get any easier, but I pray that they get better. I pray that theres someone out there in the future thats a version of me to receive this letter. That will mean that I have made it...something that I truly doubt with the way things stand currently.

As humans we naturally search for answers,
Answers of who we are,
Where we came from,
And whats going to happen after were gone.
All for a sense of comfort,
In a world that we cant control.