What a journey.
One cloaked with an ignored irony.
It's as if the words I say turn the actions of life around.
The opposite occurs.
My fears to reality.
My dreams to failure.

Though distraught,
I will again be strengthened.
By the God that is bound by no ironic world.
One who's reality is far higher than my thoughts of it.
The One who will pursue even in my deepest hurt.
The One who comforts in my loneliest.

In Him I hope.
When my emotions fail me.
When my laughter cannot be found.
When my strength is not accounted for.
I will still continue to hope in Him.

It's a part of the journey.
The hills and valleys, forever a part of this ride.
Undefined by my own perception.
Defined by the One who created the journey.
A journey to draw me closer to Him,
for that is the goal.
To know a love that exceeds my mind.
To find that in the God of the Universe.

Yes, what a journey this is.

She finally broke down.
That smile she'd been framing, it was almost picture perfect by the consistency of it.
Every day a smile to greet any who passed by.
And only till the day it didn't show did people miss it.
Because it seems like human beings have a tendency to only appreciate something when it's missing.

I do it to myself all the time.
It seems to all crash in slow motion-all of it.
The desire for everything to be fixed overtakes me yet I to push away anyone who has the capability to bring me harm.
But they don't know who I am.
My failures seem more than any victory I long to hope for.
It's as if everyday as I drive on home, I dread to walk into the door I call "home".
My silent prayer is a plea to be anyone but me.
My thoughts have become so hidden, that I've disguised this monster I've become.
And maybe that's exactly what sends my heart cracking into tiny pieces.
The fact that I've become a monster.
The fact that I can smile, laugh, say the right things, yet still feel the pain my heart longs to get rid of.

Rescue me, Lord.
The battle will go on, I understand that.
But refuge never sounded so sweet.

There was a different type of breaking in my heart.
It wasn't over the fact of missing the one my soul loved,
It was the fact that there was a void in my heart that only love could fill.

Dear J,
I don't know why I'm writing to you right now if I was to be honest with myself.
I'm constantly battling between the thoughts if I liked you for who you were or if I liked you for the perfect personality you have.
I know that's a horrible thought.
I feel like a monster admitting that thought in my head.
But you were the first one I ever held hands with.
You held me with such careful arms, you took my hand in yours and called me yours.
You promised to live life with me, you told me you loved me.
And I never repaid it.
Not the way you deserved, to say the least.
The whole time, I thought of someone else, the first person ever to break my heart.
He never quite mended it , and maybe my mistake was thinking he could be the only one that could mend it.
I don't know what I did for you to walk away, maybe the fault was in my unreturned love.

But what if I'm just know figuring out that I really did.

Maybe I don't even care about the expectations I had, or the hurt I held inside because it was you that made those thoughts all go away.
I'm so lost, so hurt, and I would do anything right about now to hear the raspy way your voice  said my name when you really had something to say.
Or the way how your whole body moved as you silently laughed which really was music to my ears.
Or how about the way you looked at me   when you would tease me about my horrible way of singing or why I wouldn't play the stupid music you wanted to hear on my phone.

My mistake was not realizing the feelings I deeply had for you.
Sometimes I'll just walk in a room and be so sure you were there too by the similar scent, but you're not there.
Sometimes a friend will tell me a joke that will remind me so much about how the way you laughed when I would get suddenly shy at one of your lame pick up lines.

I know things won't ever be able to go back to the way they use to be, but I felt like I needed to write this.
Because if I could choose anything right now, it would be to have you here right now , cradling my hand in your strong one, and holding me in your arms.
I'd have you tell me how beautiful I am to you, and how much I mean to you.
I need that. I miss you. And maybe...maybe I love you.

I cry inside because you have no idea how much your life is worth.
And everytime  I see that smile,
That smile you put on just for the pleasure of people.
But inside I see more,
I see the pain, the battle raging inside.
The battle you've tried so hard to win, but in reality you've given up.

But oh how I wish I could say something that would just turn your mentality and make you realize how special you are.
Your heart is a well just ready to be filled with life.
Why don't you let the one who provides the water fill you up?
Because oh, how much promise you show.
The potential  you have is overwhelming.

Please, please don't give up.

Because dear, you believe lies.
You've been lied to and most importantly you lie to yourself claiming that you don't care.
When we all know  you're an empty galaxy just waiting to be filled with stars that illuminate the love you wish to bear.
Please stay in this world.
You are loved.

Maybe I'm tired of people saying they would stay, that they care, and then do what they always do. Leave.
Maybe I'm tired of being that friend  they always turn to when they have a problem,
Being that person that always listens and knows what to say.
But the funny part is,
They don't care if you're they one hurting.
Maybe I'm tired of forcing smiles and forcing myself not to cry.
Forcing myself to make my life look perfect as if perfection is even a level to be reached nowadays.
Maybe I'm tired of  being unhappy.
I'm trying to make the choice to be happy, I really am.
But as soon as I demand happiness, the thoughts creep back inside.
The words, the hurt, the memories of all those people that have left you.
Maybe I'm tired of just living.
Is that alright to say?
Maybe I just want to enter that eternal realm of perfection with my Savior.


But I can't.

I need to fight the good fight.
I need to stay strong.
But oh how tired I am.

Maybe our imperfections
         Are not really flaws at all.
                        But it is our eyes
Who have damaged our
visions of beauty.
{lg}

Isn't it funny
How you can give someone your dreams,
And they give you a nightmare.

How you can invest so much trust,
So much love,
Just so that they can take it away.
And leave you in the abyss of your thoughts.

The problem was never giving up trust,
Because loving someone is trusting.
And we were called to love.

The problem was letting those rockets
Shoot down your stars.

Go ahead, let them aim; let them fire away.
Dare them to shoot at your stars.
But don't let them hit them.
Don't let them come close.

You keep shining with
Radiance
And
Delight.
But don't let them steal your vibrant love.

Because darling, you were made to love.
You were made to trust.
You were made to have wishes, and dreams.

Don't let them shoot the stars, and please keep those dreams.

it's a sad world when people start wanting to stay in bed and dream,
then go in the world and start living.
{lg}

Everything about you, even your initials, are perfect.
It's kind of crazy how God chose us to grow up together.
Our childhood was perfect, we never were really grateful for it.

I'll re visit the places we use to go,
And the memories come flooding back.
Each one like a sweet soft dagger,
Sinking into the depths of my heart.

If there was one person I'd think would always stay here,
It would be you.
But now you're gone too.
They doubt love when you're young.
But I know without a doubt, I spent my whole life loving you.

So how am I supposed suppose to fly, r?
I always thought we'd fly together.
But your absence has stripped me of my wings.
I am unable to soar.

I use to believe in a thing called love,
Something between a woman and man.
But why risk love,
If it just hurts you in the end?

So I'll try to be positive.
Try to fly just for you.

But please know that I'm praying for you.
And if one day we make it,
If we one day say, "I do".
I'll try to soar extra high, and fly just for you.

They're all telling you to be strong,
when we're all hurting.
You see, I'm not the type of girl that just accepts sadness,
I'm the type of girl that wants to overcome it.
I want to honor the God who created me,
and try to be brave.

But oh, how hard life can be sometimes.

The expectations they hold,
sometimes it feels like they're asking for perfection.
I try so hard,
oh so hard.
How hard it is to be brave.

Because when the hurt we recieve,
we show it in return.
We've hurt ourselves by hurting others.

What would it be like to be loved by someone in the most perfect way?
We're all so capable of it.
But so many of us have been hurt,
we've forgotten how to be brave.
We've ignored it, and submitted to what every other person has done.
You see, I don't think it's because we don't want to be brave.
I feel like we don't know how to.

We don't know how to make our fake smiles into genuine smiles even on the worst days.
We don't know how to look at a horrible situation and realize how God might be saving us from something even harder.
We can't look at the people who have hurt us  and be able to forgive them.
You see, bravery isn't just an act of heroism.
It's the unimaginable.
The act of love,
Putting others first.
We've forgotten how to be brave.
Let's be brave.