The pronoun I can't use
Is him in "I love you"
Cause him is meant for she
And he for him can't be.

But I am not me
If he for him can't be
Cause I'm in love with him
How wrong things may seem.

and as we breathe,
we exhale seconds
of our ticking breath
in a single lifetime.
only a single lifetime.

Love, of all the emotions, is our favorite. For love, in itself, encompasses all other emotions. It can fill your heart to a hundred, and can empty it to a zero. Yet we still busy ourselves looking for it. When maybe, at this point in time, the only person that you have been waiting to love you, is yourself. For no one loves the misery in you, they only learn to love you in your miseries. Love is a bullet we always catch. It was a sword we let pierce through. It was poison we are addicted to. Love killed us, but it made us alive once again.

Love,
of all the emotions,
is our favorite.
For love, in itself, encompasses
all other emotions.
It can fill your heart to a hundred,
and can empty it to a zero.
Yet we still busy ourselves looking for it.
When maybe, at this point in time,
the only person that you have been waiting
to love you,
is yourself.
For no one loves the misery in you,
they only learn to love you
in your miseries.
Love is a bullet
we always catch.
It was a sword
we let pierce through.
It was poison
we are addicted to.
Love killed us,
but it made us alive once again.

My lips, they ache for yours
Let them find you, in your deepest thoughts
I will keep you safe, no matter the cost
My darling, this love, was never lost.

In troubled nights and days
these fettered words
shall be spoken
in my eyes
through tears
and my heart shall hear
its own echoes
resonating
and I must feel
how much worth
I have left in me unless
my mind disagrees.

Tell me, how can I undream this otherworldly invasion
Of you, defying the stars and gravity within me
Consuming, and corrupting, and kissing my constellation.

It’s in the way your infinite eyes tell me
That I am worth a glimpse of heavenly touch
And how your lips paint the stars in me.

You came in like a comet, riveting! I can't catch
You've driven me with a force I can't deny
And I, have found our pure hands, clutched

And as we rearrange the stars in the sky
My dear, the whole world upon us, is ours
Longing to burst into songs, as of a lullaby.

Cradling the world, in our arms, and I'm yours
And I'd kiss you again, as these tears pour.

I am a beast
Sour graping for love
Feeding on affections
To save myself
From this starvation
called loneliness.

"Doubt was here."
Carved the first scar.
It weakened a big portion
of your mind
It made you think low about yourself
But it made you pursue
And the scar is fading
A part of the darkening past.

"Fear was here."
Marked the second scar
It occupied your eyes, your heart
You don't want to see, nor feel
Nor try, nor love
It terrified you
But it made you tough
And now it's forgone conclusion.

"Wrath was here."
Burnt the third scar
Burn from fires of anger
That crept into your soul
It blazed a big part of your heart
It once killed your compassion
But it made you strong
Strong enough to forgive.

The fourth is fresh, hurting, bleeding
The blood drips "Love is here."
And love was the death of you
It was a knife that you let pierce through
It was a bullet you always catch
It was a poison you're addicted to
Love killed you,
But it made you alive once again.

As the night sky breezes cold
From winter's time to snow
Liberty has nowhere to go
Buried dead in this pile of snow.

The bird was trapped in a tree
With white, as rose white wings
Wings frostbitten in the snow
Of those crippling heresies.

The bird was chirping in a tree
With red, as rose red beak
Singing out love be freed
Eluding poisoned melodies.

The bird was crying in a tree
With clear, as glass clear tears
Waiting for his love to come back
Alive in this stormy wind.

The bird saw his love
Pelted by the striking snow
He flew out not minding
If death would shoot his bow.

They both died leaving no memory
Cause they both cannot lay eggs
Now the love they had ends here
Buried dead in this pile of snow.

As I bathe upon the serenity
Of the night with silence echoing
In my innocence as it brings
Fathomless piercing words of reality

In this unspoken massive universe
Of relentless wonders and questions
Where are we to lay our fragile hearts?
Where passion and goodness be in fruition

The goodness of the world tells us
The illusion of being our own
And the love that had brought us to be
Was made to become throwing stones

The beauty of the world shows us
Of how and what beauty should be
And the fairness that dwells in each of us
Was bounded to a certain degree

The peace of the world longs for us
To sing melodies of freedom
But the grandeur of our songs
Was corrupted by hate and its kingdom

Now where are we to lay our hearts
In the vastness where the universe lies
And still we've wandered in our own paths
Living and breathing, under the same sky.

About a year ago, I wrote this on my journal. It helped me cope with extreme sadness and hopelessness knowing I can express how I was feeling through writing.

"Today, I woke up feeling different. Different from how I use to feel for the past few weeks and months. I felt like it's not like those hopeless mornings. I woke up to my new alarm tone "Pleaser" by The Wallows. It's funny how my eyes can barely open but my body was rocking to the music. I've known the song for about the day before yesterday but yeah, you never know what's going to hit you. I want to hope for some things, better things, better than how I've been horribly feeling."

Those days taught me a lot, in all aspects of life. I am somehow grateful, but I am never going back. Stronger now.

How far have you went?
To say it's enough
How much pain should be felt?
To say your hurt
How many words do you need?
To feel okay
How many time would it take?
To finally free yourself
From settling for less than you deserve
From the pain that you cause yourself
From the words you sugar-coated to ease the pain
From the man who doesn't see you worthy of his everything
I should stop
I should give up
But every time I thought doing so
It leads me back to
How far have I went?
How much pain have I endured?
How many words it took you to give me reasons to live?
How you were the reason for my everything
So I'm still here
By your side
Wondering why
You can't choose me.

I have set my feet
upon your shaky ground
in the sky of your uncertainties
in the depth of your abyss
The vastness of your world
is overwhelming
the mysteries you uphold
they are charming
And I am but one
willing victim
of your beauty
never ending
And my feet
they are weak
but I have withstand
your shaky ground
And your sky
I have flown
and your depth
I have known
and your world
your mysteries
They all unfold to me
Will it be you and me?

The night with gloom had kissed my lips
The gleaming lights are gone, my eyes are sealed
This ticking breath how long can keep
Would soon be forgotten— cold and dead.

Oh fate so cruel! What hast thou done?
Had whipped relentless blows and strikes
I have fought the battle, but now I'm gone
No one to cry there in my wake.

But 'tis so good, to be this free
This earthly grudge, will I bear, no more
And in, this sorrow, I found, glee
This, heart, can't, beat, a, morn.

The pronoun I can't use
Is him in "I love you"
Cause him is meant for she
And him for he can't be.

But I am not me
If he for him can't be
Cause I'm in love with him
How wrong things may seem.

Hey, I wore your love
Hope I can pull this off cause
It looks good on me.

If love had weight,
Help me carry my heart,
For a thousand beat,
You made it pound.

But if this love cannot be taken,
I'll throw a coin in the well,
Place my hope in that token,
That someday you may fall.

And if this love will not suffice,
I'll give you my written letters,
Tell you stories that I made,
All these tears that I've gathered.

If still my love's found vain
Break this heart gently
For I'm a fragile heart
That is slow to mending.

Yet if my love is fettered
Don't fake to help me unchain,
I know I'm not that worthless,
Now leave my heart again.

But—as long as this heart still beats,
You'll still be where it ends,
This love was never worthless
Come be my love again.

Why do I keep on
Watching your glowing eyes when
They don't shine for me.

(co-written with a friend)

It's not in the way the sun
shines upon your face
It's not in the way the colors
paint your lips into a smile
It's how everything put your eyes
in retrospect with mine
and how they travel a million miles
just to find their way into each other's arms

It's not in the way you look
for beauty does fade
It's not in the way you move
for I'll carry you that day
When the earth shall weaken our bones
When love is all we have
When the sun won't shine anymore
And the colors starts to fade
I'm with you.

I'm with you until the stars
no longer embrace the moon
For time does not matter
as distance won't count,
I will search the world for your eyes
for your hands, and your smile
I will cross oceans that spread
from your horizon to mine
For it's you that I ache for
It has always been you,
the safe haven that I long for.

I'm with you till the worlds collide
Even when the universe is against us
When the air won't let us breathe
I'm with you till vanity
You're the only one that will matter
For a lifetime is vain
Without your arms in mine
So rest in my chest, my dear
We'll celebrate this world together
Not minding what could happen
Cause you're here with me forever.

It isn't cold,
but he's freezing.
Thin-skinned,
still is breathing
Warm me.
Hug me.

He longs for love,
but he isn't chosen.
Young lad,
don't be broken.
Warm yourself.
Love yourself.

I love you in the dark—when sadness is a giant,
When I'm lost in sadness and in it's playground,
There you are,
Caressing me with grandeur of emotions.

I love you in all your shapes—none of it matters,
You're the only inconstant thing,
That is still beautiful,
It what makes you unique.

I love you with your love—the sun, that makes you shine,
That a time in the heavens, you become one,
But still I'm afar,
Watching your beauties combined.

I love you from this distance—far and unreachable,
How "how far" did not matter,
How it was enough just to see you glow,
Being light to the vastness of the dark.

I love you in all your craters, your bumps—your imperfections,
How your beauty cannot be bounded,
That even I who loves you,
Will not know unless you show me.

I love you through the night—touching my soul,
With the display of your magnificence,
Leaving me in awe,
And my mind in a flowery grave.

I love you now and forever—time is never a problem
Death may take me,
But not my love for the moon,
Cause this love is always, a flower in bloom.

Oh, I saw you downtown
With the man you told me you love
Wearing that long white gown
Ready to give your vows above.

Oh, I saw you downtown
I'm with the man I told you I love
Look how fast we have grown?
How are you doing my old friend?

Remember when we lived uptown
How we lied down to see the stars?
How we named each of them?
How we painted them in your walls so dear.

I remember how we
Carved our names on that tree
How we promised forever will be
Why did you have to leave?

But I'm sorry that I left
Like how your father wanted
How he told me I'm worthless
So I made worth of myself.

You didn't tell me a word
I waited hours, and days, and months
Hoping you'd knock at our door
But you didn't came why?

I came, I knocked, but why?
No one was there to open for me
Then I saw you from afar
With the man you seem to love.

In my despair he loved me
He came in when you left me
We carved our names on that tree
The tree where your love left me

You're still my love my dear
I did it all for you
That one day I'll come back
And we will get this through.

Maybe you didn't love me at all
All you did was flattery
That when time comes I'll fall
You'll play your games on me.

I've cried every single night
I've left you there to be
Numbed with all the pain
The pain you felt because of me.

I've cried every single night
Since the day you left me
And now I've moved on
Stronger than I used to be.

And now you're there downtown,
Exchanging vows in that long white gown
With the man you told me you love
Now grief is all I have.

And now I'm here downtown
Wearing this long white gown
With the man I told you I love
Happiness is all I have.