Does true pain really go away, or does it get benched till another episode kicks in.

I’m not saying that I have a bad life
I have everything I need to survive
I have a job, roof over my head, support
I buy the things that I need and want
But for some reason I have a feeling in me that just does not want to leave me alone
I don’t feel like I’m worth it
Anything
I deserve nothing that would make me happy
Why? I honestly don’t know
No one understands what goes through my head
Im very insecure and constantly worried
I worry that people don’t actually like or love me
I worried that everyone thinks I’m annoying
Nothing helps me feel totally happy
Not money, family, friends, nothing
And I don’t know why.
I feel like I’m alone
No one is helping me fight my battle
A army of one
I have visions of me fighting
I have moments where I just sit in my room and drive myself crazy overthinking
I end up crying and fighting with myself
Yelling, punching things,  throwing things
And picking fights with my boyfriend
I love him I really do
But, I feel like my insecurities are pushing him away
He says he loves me but I don’t believe him
Why should I
I’m nothing, im not important to him
I feel like trash compared to the other girls he’s been with
He can do better then me

I want help and I need it but I don’t know where to get it
Self medication isn’t helping anymore
And it will get worse
I just know it
I know me

I gave up on this “friendship” a long time ago , the only reason your still here is because I’ve learned that I’m lonely with out us. I’ve fought so long on my own I’m scared of my own mind and I need someone to help me with my fear

I’m scared of writing,again
Because I’m scared of crying
Crying is my enemy
When I cry I’m a easy target
When I cry you can manipulate me with your words
You can make me rethink my who perception of life
I don’t want that
But when it does because it will
I will have to restart my mind
Forget about what you told me
Forget about the visions of images you put in my head
And make you a target for changing me

Writing is my outlet
Have you ever dug inside your own mind so deep
Have you ever written every detail of your life on paper till this exact moment
Have you ever fell in love with something and never stop doing
Until you were afraid too
Because I’m afraid
Im afraid that every word I write comes back to haunt me
Afraid that when I reread this I cry
Because crying makes me venerable
And venerability makes me write  

Writing is my best friend but sometimes your best friend can hurt you
I am afraid to write because what I write is my life and that’s why I cry

I’m putting myself in situations that are about you but the situations doesn’t exist

Apart of me still wants you to love me back

I didn’t believe in love anymore because of you
I lost all faith in finding someone who would love me
I lost love in myself ....
I don’t think you know how much of an impact you had on me

I’m sorry to my younger self
For not taking care of you
For not standing up for you when getting teased
For not being strong when you needed me the most

I’m sorry for giving you bad thoughts
Bad memories
Bad feelings
Sorry for when I said I hated you and wish you didn’t exist
Sorry for making you feel like a failure
I’m sorry for everything I put you through over the years

I promise you everything will be ok
And that I will always be by your side no matter what
It’s ok to cry
And it’s ok to get angry
I don’t ever want you to feel the need to be strong even when you don’t want to again
It’s the hardest feeling to go through
Trust me we did it for four years

It’s ok the be yourself
It’s definitely ok to say no to people
Your one year from turning 20 and it think it’s time for you to be free

I wish I could travel back in time and ask you a couple questions
I have some things I want to tell you also but that’s for another dark night

I want to make you happy
I want to make you proud
But you have to know that it will take time
I am not perfect
I will **** up like I always do
But I promise I won’t give up on us
I love you
And I mean it this time

I hate that I can’t sit up straight
I hate that I can’t properly do my hair
I hate that I’m not skinny
I hate that I don’t have the perfect voice
I hate that I’m shy
I hate that I have tiny lips
I hate that I have a learning disability
I hate that I don’t have the closet that I want
I hate that I failed my drivers test
I hate that I get really bad anxiety to the point I have trouble breathing
I hate that I can’t make friends
I hate that I have anger problems
I hate that I have to get up every morning and live my daily life
I hate everything that I’m going though
I hate that I said I forgive you and wanted you to be happy when I didn’t
I hate that I can’t talk about what’s going on in my head to the people close to me
I hate that I constantly remind myself of how much I’m a failure
I hate that I think of places that I can’t afford to go to
I hate that I don’t cry at funerals
I hate that I still have to be treated like a child even tho I’m 18
I hate that I’m so ******* nice to people
I hate that I care about my dog more then I care about myself
I hate that I constantly remind myself of you and what happened
I hate that I still try to convince myself that I love you even tho I don’t, not one bit.... I think
I hate that I have to end this with the last sentence saying how I hate myself

It’s 1:43am and I can’t sleep
Thinking about you makes me overthink
Everything seems better when I’m with you
I’m keeping track of the time
Every minute is worth it when I’m with you

It’s 1:44am
Nothing makes me more happy then when I’m with you
I don’t think you understand how much I love you
I made a promise to myself that I will live my best life

It’s 1:45am
Happy life for myself
You make me happy
I don’t want to hurt myself again by keeping everything inside
I don’t want to be hurt again
I don’t want to me sad again

It’s 1:46am
Everything was just so bad for me at the time
Life had me in the palms of its hands

It’s 1:47am
It felt like everything was over at such a young age
Nothing made me happy
Nothing made me wake up and want to smile
Nothing made me want to wake up and have a purpose in this world
Nothing and I mean

It’s 1:48am
Nothing
You came into my life when I was done
I didn’t care at all about anything
You gave me a purpose

It’s 1:49am
You made me think of my future
Of my family and friends
A family with you
I took me in and helped me
With love, honesty

It’s 1:50am
You gave me everything I needed to came back from that dark place
Yeah we fight
Yeah we have our differences
But still at the end of the day we say I love you

It’s 1:51am
No matter how bad the arguments were
We are still there for each other
And that’s all I need
I’m there for you and your here for me

It’s 1:52am
That’s all we need... is each other
I love

It’s 1:52am and I’m madly in love with you.

It’s 1:54am

I was pushed into somewhere I didn’t want to be
I had no where to go but in there
There where it was nothing but shadows,
The screams of terror were silent to ones who could hear
The tears of the pain were the happiness of ones face
The scars on their arms were teased
The hand that wrote that beautiful song and brought joy into people
Were the same ones that held that blade in sadness
And you shook it


I was lost with
No heart
No emotion
No care
Not even love
Crying because I thought there was something to be
You meant everything to me
You knew that
You knew that I cared
And you let me go

You put me though something I didn’t even know existed
You like playing games
Games that leave me with nothing but pain and sadness
I hate you
But I love you
I don’t want anything to do with you
But I want you to come back
You coming back would make me happy
But you don’t care

I’ve spent days at a time thinking about you
And the type of love you give to people
You make me sick
And I will never respect you
But I still love you somehow

I’m Sorry
For all the things I’ve said
For all the words I didn’t say
For all the texts I sent
For all the texts I didn’t send
I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry
For all the memories I’ve missed
For all the tears I’ve left
For the anger I let out
For keeping the happiness inside you
I’m Sorry  

I’m Sorry
But sorry doesn’t help
Sorry doesn’t bring the time back from arguing
Doesn’t bring back the time you spent crying
Doesn’t bring back the time you doesn’t yelling
But still
I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry
Sorry I didn’t give you my best
Sorry I didn’t love you the way you told you I did
Sorry I didn’t give you everything you dreamed of
Sorry for giving you the wrong thought of who I am
I’m Sorry

Sorry
I wasn’t there when you needed me
When you called because you needed to talk to someone
For when you needed to be held
For when you needed me to tell you everything was ok
For when I didn’t wipe the tears away
For when I didn’t take the pain away
I’m so so sorry

I’m Sorry

And I love you

I’m Sorry for loving you

I’m Sorry

Have you ever been in love?
By being in love have you ever felt trapped?
Not only trapped in your heart but in your mind?
By being trapped have you ever felt lost?
Like imagine yourself sitting in the dark, cold, darkness of the night, sitting in a cage. That’s locked up and no one is there to let you free.
That’s how I feel.
By being lost have you ever felt like you give too much to people who don’t want what you give?
Like love!?
I give a lot to people.
By giving a lot do you feel forgotten?
Can I ask you one last question?
How old were you when you fell for somebody who didn’t care?
No matter how close you two were

I didn’t eat last night
It was hours since the last time I had ate
I don’t know why I wasn’t hungry
I felt more sick then hungry
A couple hours later I went upstairs
I do what I gotta do in the bathroom
Then I go to bed
I hop in bed, get under the sheets, and close my eyes
My eyes open
I can’t sleep
My on my bed laying in the dark
Since I was up I went to the bathroom cause I still felt sick
This one I felt like my throat was closing
I go back upstairs when I’m and I turn on the light to see if I could sleep better
Looked at the time
I close my eyes
Wake up an hour later
I feel sweat coming down my face
I touched my forehead no sweat was there
I wiped my face and there was sweat
My eyes itches
I rub my eyes and their wet
I freak out I go to the mirror and I look at myself
I’m breathing hard
I look and the mirror and my eyes are red
I was crying
Why?
I had a nightmare
I realized that I’m crying, breathing hard, feel like my throat felt like it was closing
I was having an anxiety attack
Everything felt like it was falling apart
It was
Everything
And I couldn’t control it.

I am a woman who wants another woman
But just because I want a woman doesn’t mean I want just any woman
I want a woman who knows what it’s like to be in a war
I want a woman who is no stranger to pain
I want a woman who knows how it feels to be trapped in her own mind
I want a woman who knows how to keep a smile whenever she is down
I want a woman who knows how to open up to me when she can’t smile
I want her to know that I will be there when she needs me the most
I will be there when she needs help fighting her wars
I will be there when she gets cold at night
I will be the one who will wipe her tears in the middle of the night cause she is scared

I want a woman who has a strong opinion
I want a woman who is hard to get
I want a woman who is a boss
I want a woman who can pick herself up
I want her to be strong
I want her to be tough
I want her to have a voice
I want her to be happy
I want her to respect me so I can respect her
I want a woman who knows what love is
I want a woman who wants to know what true love is because
I don’t

Dear My Future Wife
I don’t know what true love is
But when I see you I’ll know
I want to walk though life with you and only you
I will respect
Love
Trust you
And have faith in us
If you do the same for me
Future Wife
I love you.

“I need something to take the pain away”

I need something to take the pain away
Not drugs, not alcohol
Something addictive but not deadly
Something that won’t break it’s promise
Something I can run to
Something that will protect me
Something that can teach me
Something that can change me

Something that will love me for who I am
What I’ve done
What I’ve said
What I’ve thought
Who I’ve hurt
The promises I’ve broken
The pain I’ve given to others

Something that can see the pain I feel
The tears I’ve hidden
The thoughts that I think
The anger I’ve felt
The words I’ve said to myself
The words I’ve written in paper
The sleepless nights
The walls I built
The cages I’ve locked
The endless flashbacks
The secrets I keep

I need something that understands the reasons why
I wake up feeling emotionless
I wake up feeling emotional
Feeling angry
Feeling sad
Feeling like a disappointment
Feeling like a waste of space
Energy
And love
Why I don’t feel loved

Why
Why do I feel anger
Sadness
Why do I get anxiety
Why I lock myself in my room and cry
Why I like sitting in the dark killing myself with my own thoughts

I need something.......... or someone that will be there for me and love me. That won’t betray me, that will forgive me. That will make me feel strong. Something  can grow with.

Or someone.