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I’m not saying that I have a bad life
I have everything I need to survive
I have a job, roof over my head, support
I buy the things that I need and want
But for some reason I have a feeling in me that just does not want to leave me alone
I don’t feel like I’m worth it
Anything
I deserve nothing that would make me happy
Why? I honestly don’t know
No one understands what goes through my head
Im very insecure and constantly worried
I worry that people don’t actually like or love me
I worried that everyone thinks I’m annoying
Nothing helps me feel totally happy
Not money, family, friends, nothing
And I don’t know why.
I feel like I’m alone
No one is helping me fight my battle
A army of one
I have visions of me fighting
I have moments where I just sit in my room and drive myself crazy overthinking
I end up crying and fighting with myself
Yelling, punching things,  throwing things
And picking fights with my boyfriend
I love him I really do
But, I feel like my insecurities are pushing him away
He says he loves me but I don’t believe him
Why should I
I’m nothing, im not important to him
I feel like trash compared to the other girls he’s been with
He can do better then me

I want help and I need it but I don’t know where to get it
Self medication isn’t helping anymore
And it will get worse
I just know it
I know me
I gave up on this “friendship” a long time ago , the only reason your still here is because I’ve learned that I’m lonely with out us. I’ve fought so long on my own I’m scared of my own mind and I need someone to help me with my fear
Nicolespoetry Mar 2019
I’m putting myself in situations that are about you but the situations doesn’t exist

Apart of me still wants you to love me back
Nicolespoetry Mar 2019
I didn’t believe in love anymore because of you
I lost all faith in finding someone who would love me
I lost love in myself ....
I don’t think you know how much of an impact you had on me
Nicolespoetry Dec 2018
I’m sorry to my younger self
For not taking care of you
For not standing up for you when getting teased
For not being strong when you needed me the most

I’m sorry for giving you bad thoughts
Bad memories
Bad feelings
Sorry for when I said I hated you and wish you didn’t exist
Sorry for making you feel like a failure
I’m sorry for everything I put you through over the years

I promise you everything will be ok
And that I will always be by your side no matter what
It’s ok to cry
And it’s ok to get angry
I don’t ever want you to feel the need to be strong even when you don’t want to again
It’s the hardest feeling to go through
Trust me we did it for four years

It’s ok the be yourself
It’s definitely ok to say no to people
Your one year from turning 20 and it think it’s time for you to be free

I wish I could travel back in time and ask you a couple questions
I have some things I want to tell you also but that’s for another dark night

I want to make you happy
I want to make you proud
But you have to know that it will take time
I am not perfect
I will **** up like I always do
But I promise I won’t give up on us
I love you
And I mean it this time
Nicolespoetry Nov 2018
I pray one day you will get married
have kids, smile, laugh with
the love of your life
I pray that you won't
invite me, tell me
anything
I pray that you will be happy knowing
that i hate you and
want nothing to do with you
I pray that you will be happy
knowing i want nothing
to do with you
you probably already are
Nicolespoetry Nov 2018
I wonder if you ever thought of us ...
us, being together
I wonder if you ever thought
of who was always there
for you, not on purpose for you
to love me, there  because
I loved you and
didn't want you to hurt
wonder
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