is it too much to ask
for my scars never to fade?
is it too much to ask
for you to care that they're there?

that once upon a time i did that
and i didn't care if you saw,
but now when i do it, i do it for you
with the hope that you'll care enough to notice me

and notice that i'm falling
and it's not just for you,
but my body is failing itself, and i'm going into that place again
the dark well that i can't climb out of.

i'm proud of my scars;
they show that i was hurting and dying
and yet now they're just scars and not still
bleeding.

why can't you even look at me?
why can't you even care a tiny bit?
you're killing me slowly,
but i know it's all my fault.

i'm sorry things are like this,
and i ****** it all up,
i'm sorry i'm like this,
sad, manic, dead inside.

i still want to show you all my scars
and i want to fall apart in your arms.

I'm falling into the deep end,
That dark place that floods me
Over and over till I'm drowning
And I just float, float, float.

I'm overthinking; the thoughts won't stop,
Trapped in the prison of my own head
Crying over the sink every night
Letting tears float, float, float.

I'm in over my head, drowning,
But I'm fine—not struggling, right?
I'm stuck in a bubble I didn't create
So I just float with the crowd, numb inside.

So insecure that it's funny;
So used to feeling this bad,
I think I might be going insane,
As I float, float, float.

Where are all my friends?
Loneliness creeps in again,
The water's turning red—they don't care
If I float or if I fall.

And I fall, fall, fall,
Feeling alive as I fight for my life,
I can't escape from this riptide
So I float, float, float.

Watch me drown in these waves,
Don't know if I can make it back
To the surface, I'm gasping for air
As I float, float, float...

I've never felt second best,
Being a twin, you get asked a lot of questions:
"Who's older?"
"Who's smarter?"
"Who's the favorite?"
But you never gave into them:
"They were born at the same time"
"They both have straight A's"
"I love them both so much"
What's changed?

I've learned that I'm younger,
Only by a second—a moment,
My birth certificate bears a different time,
Yet we still tell people we're the same age
Because the difference doesn't define us.

Now I'm starting to fail my classes,
Not a single A to my name anymore.
You must think of her as the smarter one,
While I'm the one who can't be bothered:
No homework, no studying, no perfect SAT score.
Have things changed because you've finally chosen a favorite?
And of course, it's her.

I've grown to hate myself,
So it's not surprising you do too.
You see yourself in me and loathe it,
Support no longer feels like support
Because you can't imagine I'd be anything like you:
Of course I'm not sad,
Or anxious enough to pass out,
Of course I'm faking when I'm throwing up
So you'll send me to school.

But when she wants to stay home,
You shower her with love,
Buy her favorite foods,
While you'd take mine away to keep me thin.

When I want to disappear,
I'm still second best.
You'll cry, but still yell,
Making me feel guilty for wanting you to care.

I'll keep my head down—float with the majority,
And try to live with being second priority.
But know that I am more than your reflection;
More than a twin, more than second best.
I am my own person, worthy of love,
Even if you can't see it yet.

since i was twelve
i've always hated this body,
looked in the mirror every morning
and saw it glaring back at me,
because it hates me just as much as i hate it,
i didn't know insecurities could mean this much.

they give me all the pills
to try to make me not be afraid of me
but i know they can't ever fix me
so i push them all away
so i don't drown myself in medicine
just to die again.

i've seen therapists
but they don't seem to care
when I tell them my feelings
because they'd rather send me into an asylum
for my cynical thoughts.

I'll take another punch,
another cut, another hit, another fake fix
so I can pretend like I am happy
while i'm dying on the inside,
because escapes are better than healing
what might be beyond repair.

I don't want to be this way forever,
and I'll keep lying to myself
saying i'm getting better
when i'm falling deeper into darkness,
but it seems that I stop myself
before I get better,
because I hate me
and i'm scared to be happy.

On misty moons, I wander free,
Escaping life's cacophony,
The world's too loud—a fading sound,
As nature's peace enfolds me round.

All alone, my spirit grows strong,
Visions of a hidden world beyond;
Shadows of the past still linger near,
And now, my soul will find me here.

For in this land, I'm never alone,
Nature's heartbeat echoes my own.
Let me dwell here, where wisdom flows,
With a world of wonder that grows and grows.

I used to wake up and just watch you breathe,
I'd see your face and smile; we were in love.
It hurt me in a way that I would seethe
Every time I saw you and I've become
A monster who covers all of their scars,
A beast who twists your words so that they hurt,
A freak who thinks we're written in the stars,
When you say I'm beautiful, I avert

Because I'm scared of what I do not know,
Don't know if I can be happy at all,
But maybe life will live and let me grow,
But I'm scared that I'll only ever fall.
So when you leave I'll rip myself to shreds,
But things beyond repair may yet still mend.

You said, "I love you still"
And the words are like boulders on my back,
Crushing me, like how I drowned our love
Because we were just momentary.

Waltzing with my hand intertwined with death
Has never been a greater fate,
You'll keep pulling that knife out of my chest,
But you'll always be too late.

If only I was brave
like you said I was
all of those years ago
when you weren't sick yet.

If only I could remember
back to a time when you were alive,
And I wasn't living in this exile of a world,
Trapped between his life and mine.

If only Death wasn't so harsh—
He wrapped you up in his cold, dark grasp
and took you away before I even said
goodbye.

If only I could be him and live my life
without thinking of what could've been different,
I could excel at everything and not be scared
to even get out of my house

Because I'm living a life I do not know;
If only you didn't go.