i lay
still dressed in the blue gown
from tonight.
makeup still
adorning my face
and the pearls
still shining on my neck.

but i feel drained
for no apparent reason other than
that i just felt sad.

why?
i do not know
but i write over
and over
and over again
"i should have asked him"

i regret.
and so i felt like ringing up a few old friends
and so we talked.
until dawn
but the tears still linger in my eyes.

There’s something a bit beautiful about today;
The fact it isn’t tomorrow
And you already know yesterday.

But there’s something a bit scary about today
The fact it isn’t yesterday
And only tomorrow will you know today.

here's to the moments when
you're so in love that it consumes you
like falling into a bottomless pit
that leads to nowhere.

and you know no one can save you,
not even yourself.

i can feel something
bursting through my veins
warning every
finger
and toe
and corner of my body
*that something beyond awaits

A world without you
What does it mean?
My world was always with you even before I met you.

If my world was without you,
I don’t think
I can imagine it -
Yet.

My world without you
Would be an empty void where positivity should have been,
A hole in my being where flesh should be.

My world without you
Would be a plant that never grew
It would be a raven that could not fly
It would be a laugh without sound
It would be somewhere we never knew.

A world without you
What does it mean?
My world will always be with you even after you’re gone.

it is again time
to start anew
whether that means
strict journaling
or silly diets
it's new.

and the one thing i need to cleanse
is making my start
stained

memories of you
of him
of her
can i let them go yet?
maybe not
or else
it will have been as if nothing
ever happened.

as if what happened
wasn't significant
and trivial.

and so i clutch on
into the new year
in fear that my story has gone
unrecognized
and praying that my pain may be erased
but not yet.

or that someone else
will make my fists drop them
one
by
one.
and then maybe then
can i forget them all.

it is always
"sorry" from you.

as if the burden of having me around...

is only too great.
like i'm a fragile porcelain doll

that you need to glue the pieces for.

a person coming
is a tremendous thing

for not only do they bear gifts
but also secrets

ones they'd rather keep away in a locked broom closet;
because making excuses is easier than true
explication.

and so when that person comes
you must treat them tremendously

because we all have things we'd like to keep dark.

if it was fated to be
so be it
because you are my
beautiful destiny.

shining like the brightest north star
guiding me hand in hand
soaring towards the future.

for some reason you set me somewhere
beyond all reality...
free.

i grow away and away like a rose bush gone unpruned
waiting to bloom again.
but i smile because

don't you remember?

you are my
beautiful destiny.

up there in the sky way high
is where a star once shone
until it fell out of the sky -
but even in this darkness
it condensed its superpowers

until it was infinite.

so in your darkest of times
grab onto all  
shining stars of love you have
and condense it deep within your mind
until it is also
infinite.

Sometimes the vast window opens
Fractured
But forgiving

Knowing everyone else does it too
Empathy for the shared shadow of all else who
Desperately fell

There is a dusty harmony
A musty and dark air
Tainted with the protruding strength of her infinite suns

And they all can hardly breathe
As her flowers suffocate them
Because they were trying for her
Not them.

She wondered whether the beginning was all a trap,
Covered in the illusion that true light was outlandish,
Leaving her in the dark.

it was one of those things you couldn't capture.
it was just everything,
and everything
just was.

purest flowing clarity
resembling the innocence of a child's soul
lies in the muddiest and cloudiest
rivers

within us all.
it flows within our veins

if you only let the light shine through.

as time goes by
i find myself
drifting closer to saying goodbye.

because i'm scared
to show you all that's inside
when all that's there are empty lies.

when will i be able to tell you this
i wonder?
perhaps never but remember me clear

i don't open up like a flower in the spring
perhaps you found me pretty as a bud.
but I will firmly stay shut
since i don't want the harsh wind to blow my petals away.

a passerby may find them pretty
but they are all my tears that they don't know.
so my dear,

closed as i may be
i only fear
that one day you may flee from me.

open
and close

clench
and release

control
your emotions

and find
your peace.

dear expectations,
i swear one day i will be strong

strong enough to defy you.
To destroy
to smash
to obliterate the views you create of me.

but not yet.

the false image of who i am
versus who everyone perceives me to be
constantly
constantly
weighing down on me
are the shouts and the disgruntled comments i hear
and i pretend not to feel them
but every time someone tells me
"oh come on"
it's just another arrow to my heart.

if i fall,
will i even make a sound?
will the stars in the sky even blink?

when night comes,
will I still be alone,
while others dream?

will anyone choose to save me?
to hear me?

dear expectations,
one day i will be strong enough to defy you,
but i dont know how.

you think that
you do not matter but
you are my everything

and even if
the glass stars in your eyes die
and the flowers in your smile wilt
only i can replant them

so, my dear
these battles you fight inside
please let me
protect you

and i know that you don’t want
to let me in so easily
but i
and i alone
am willing to pick up the pieces of your heart
and sew the pieces
into something stronger

she knew she was different
her dreams could fly
while others
died.

doesn't it seem today
that the air blows
a different way?

almost telling me that
today is not yesterday ~

we were so far no ruler could measure
exactly how far our hearts and minds were from one another.

they say before you die
a slideshow of your life appears before your very eye
until it fades into whiteness...

if i could touch my memory of
all that i lived for
oh death does not seem so much a fright.

even for a second
i can relive all the love and hope
that is characterized as human

oh how i hope it is true
so i can make sure one last time it was all real.
or even if it wasn't

i can smile at this sweet dream that i call my own.

i fall in love so
easily

like the night is sure to come
i too will fall like the sun

into the cold embrace of

the night.
of him.

the days
so long and like
a broken stitch that keeps running away from me.

when will it be over?
i wonder.
only to realize that the people i love are also
running in the strands that I keep pulling

until the seams of my heart start to open
and its contents spill onto some unsuspecting
being.

Until they too,
run away from me,
endlessly.

on the eve of the day of love
i wonder why we need one

when we should be loving each other everyday...

i feel farther from you
that even though these 3000 miles are what separates us
my heart is still

even farther away.

i knew it when she came
and your eyes
shifted.

i knew you knew back then
how i secretly had invisible flowers behind my back
that i never had the courage to give you.

yet i let you break my heart.
i let you use me --
giving you hints about the girl she was
just further reminding myself
of the girl i can never be.

and even months later

i was still carrying the dead flowers
behind my back,
the ones who died from discouragement
and low self esteem.

but i still carried them.
within me,
their pollen sticking to my hair, skin, and soul.

oh the wild
thrills of the highway
so sweet after bitter
heartbreak

as the lights go rushing by
one by one
i hope to forget
the battle scars marking my body

you'll be protected
you said,
as long as you answer me honestly.

so i believed you
stupidly
and spilled all my heart was holding

and you protected me.
for just a moment, i felt warm
like the sun was finally shining.

i hope by the time you read this
you have realized something about yourself.

anything at all.

that you're beautiful
that you're smart
that you're worth it
that you're art.

but i can't tell you these things
since they are things you must find within yourself;
i know
you will not believe me.

to those who have not found:
search a little closer
get a better mirror
magnify the music of your soul ten times the max volume
it can reach.

i guarantee you,
there's something there.
and even if everything else seems like it's in despair

remember you had it in you to get here.

so there must be something.
anything at all.

for how can you ever hope to love someone else,
if you can not find the love within yourself?

i'm waiting
for the day i finally feel alive

for the day where the sun feels like it was something
meant for me.

and that the water flows in part because
i am on this earth too.

that for once
i feel this ripple effect of humanity.

if indifference is the opposite of love,
*I don’t stand a chance

There are those
Glowing red and yellow lights from the back of cars at night
That sets an ambience of retrospect

An ambience best experienced in the company of happiness-
And perhaps the bass of a heavy song to fill you up to the brim
But not overflow...

The world will go silent because nothing else matters
For just a short while
and everything will go slow except for time...

Nothing can seem horrid as you see happiness surround the air
Floating like waves throughout your hair
As you hum to an unfamiliar tune
Of a beginning unknown

And a destination unseen.

You think for a moment,
Ah, in this life, these moments must be what is
truly infinite

tucking the surroundings into your star-pockets
that you can look at when you are more jaded with time

remembering that at this one time
You were infinite
because that's just what young people do.

in this life we spend so long
pursuing happiness . . .

we often forget
to take a moment
and just be happy.

they were a certain shade of closed off purple
with the warmest yellow in between
like something had reached in and painted them gold
but perhaps they did it themselves
to avoid thinking they were alone and unhappy in this world
swallowing gold to make them feel something they were not.

is it love
if you never loved me back
the butterflies in my stomach
were unmatched?

is it love
if i saw the gaze in your eyes
on the girl whose eyes were moonstones
and smile was the great wide ocean

is it love
if i built you a ship to her heart
from the wood of the forest in my soul?

is it love
when i lay at night no where near
asleep
wondering where my shortcomings were
or how i can fit her moonstones in my eyes

is it love
is it love
is it love
am i in love with you?

someday it will
come again.
someday someone
will come in.

a star
with the deepest depths in the eyes
with the gentlest of breaths
and endless soul in the smile

one day
i'll forgive this pain
not forget -
forgive.

the stars were pale dots in the sky
so faraway

and in this corner of this star's surrounding dust
was a girl in love.

such an indescribable feeling
she wondered if the other tiny dust around those faraway stars
also felt the same.

the morning after a long night of sadness
in which you finally tricked your mind at four a.m. to repress
the deepest thoughts that tangle in your hair

you wake up to find your dreamworld is only that
and your real-world is merely what it is.

the moon will shine again,
so i keep everything tucked in my pillowcase
in hopes i can return again.

there's a slab
of reflective glass
whom we all think tells the truth

but all it does
is tell us lies about our beauty
preventing it from
emanating from our souls.

i trusted until i hear everything i’ve ever told him from the mouths of people i never told...

like a sea of teeth and mouths and unfamiliar lips
drowning me in their laughter
while i feel the me within myself rip.

i trusted him so.
trusted him,
trusting me,
Until the rivers in my eyes just could not trust any longer.

the late night talks of life and love are so hard to come by
as the night consumes our tears
and the moonlight shines like a thin cloak of white on our faces...

we are together through a connection that permeates our skies even if we’re miles and miles apart as we ask each other about the minor and the significant.

for a moment it felt like i was cared about.
but like everyone else i had let see in
you were first to say goodnight .

folded
carefully
as to preserve her inside.
constructed
rigidly
for she is flawless on the outside.
fake
she is perceived
for she doesn't know who she is.

love,
like a hurricane

it's one of those things that seems to never come
but when it does,
it comes all at once.

the world is
my oyster
they say.
yet,
why has my life
produced no pearls?
only tears
and gritty sand
polluting the land
around me.

you are my
beautiful paradise.

when everything else in the world
feels so ******* wrong.

when the world comes crashing down
and I have to look strong

I know I don't have to in front of you.

Remember it was never about the end
And it was always about the beginning

Never how far from the finish
But always how far you came

if i can be
her

but i can't i know my dear
because i have no space

in your heart.
but if i can be
someone else

i am here.
reliably.

they told me to
take it as a grain of salt.

as if the words they said
did not rub into my wound

and burn
like salt does.

so here i am,
taking it like a grain of salt
the wounds burning through my skin
while i just smile like i always do.

i gave you the sun.
created in the toolshed of my heart

the labor into making
a light out of dark.

it was imperfect,
it was patchy.
but it was my sun.

and i so wanted it to be yours.

oh how i want to feel
that love was something

someone built for me in their tree house
with makeshift tools and daisy chains

intricate
and even flawed because love,
love is imperfect.

oh how i want to feel they built me the sun.