I close my eyes...

It's about the biggest mistake I did
It's the most fatuously done deed
An imbecile like myself
Again, got trapped with this trick

I close my eyes...

There I saw not darkness
It's not even one bit dimmed
But it was the greenest field and the bluest sky
Where there lay, you and I

I close my eyes...

Close... my hands are to you
Close... your breath is to my neck
As you breathe in my scent
I listen your heart's beat; loudened, quickened

I close my eyes...

There you are smiling at me
Holding me in your arms like a fragile jewelry
Kissing me like you own my lips
Oh, I'm robbed of freedom but brimming with glee

And now, I open my eyes...

Eyes that once sparked with love
Eyes that once glowed with passion
Now are woeful and bewailing
For the beautiful memory you've left me

I'll never close them...

Unless I'm worn out and tired
Unless I've cried enough at night
Unless my body whispers that I'm weary
Unless my body's quiet, cold and not breathing

Unless I am...

I will not close my eyes again.

Before one asks if she could give love,
One should first ask if she could accept love.

Am I trying too hard
To forget what we did?

Am I trying too hard
To forget your touch
By accepting another one's caress?

Am I trying too hard
To forget your lips
By savouring another one's kiss?

Am I trying too hard
To forget about you
By filling the space, the void
You've left
With another man's matter?

Tell me if I am.
Because I don't want
To be the monster
You are

When you did the same

Before, I felt something missing
Something lacking
A small empty space is in my heart
I can feel it, just a piece

Then you came like a raging storm
I did not fear you, I did not cower
Instead, like a moth to a flame
I drew closer to your fire

You showed me a lot
A lot which I cannot contain
My cup is full
Full of you, which by my own, I cannot gain

You filled that missing piece
You have given me more than I expected
More than I can handle
More than I was missing

Then just like a storm that is fleeting
You left as fast as you came
As strong as before
You left my land with a piece to live for

I was missing a piece before you happened
And now you left me, I’m all alone
Nothing but a single thing salvaged from the storm
A piece of me is all I have, is all I own.

I once said
that I cannot, that I would not
move
forward

I once said
that it is impossible
to drop
my spear
and
stop
fighting

I once said
that it is unattainable
to cease
the war
I alone
was fighting

But as I've said
the words I speak
immortalized
by untouchable ink

My spear turned
blunt,
my battles
lost.
The fighting
ceased.

As I have lost,
I have also won.

For I am free
from the shackles of loss.

I am free
for I chose to let go.

Alam mo, ayoko na
Gusto ko nang huminto sa pagpapaka-tanga
Ayoko na matulala at sabay maiisip ka
Kasi alam ko na matagal bago ako muling makabalik sa aking diwa

Pwede ba manahimik ka?
Ang ingay mo lalo na kapag ako’y matutulog na
Bastos at biglaang papasok sa aking isipan
Na para bang isipan ko’y iyong kaharian

Hindi ka ba napapagod?
Sa kalalaro ng aking pusong lasug-lasog na sa iyong kapapaikot
Tuwang-tuwa ka pa at humahalaklak kapag ako’y iyong nabibiro
Pag sasabihin **** “last na”, pero sinungaling ka

Edi sa’yo na!
Sa’yo na ang kaligayahan at kalungkutan ko
Sa’yo na ang pangarap at kabiguan ko
Sa’yo na ang lahat ng ako, sa’yo na ang pusong laruan mo

O, ano? Ba’t tumigil ka?
Bakit ka biglaang lumayo kung kailan ibinigay ko na?
Akala ko ba sa akin ay nasisiyahan ka?
Akala ko ba sa akin masaya ka na?

Ah, ngayon gets ko na!
Gets ko na na mabilis ka pala magsawa
Pagkatapos ng isa, maghahanap ka ng iba
Pagkatapos **** manungkit, magtatapon rin pala

Ayan ka na naman at umaarangkada
Parang isang sports car na rumaratsada
Patungo sa mga babaeng iba’t iba ang klase
Iba’t iba ang ganda

Kaawa-awang kababaihan
Kasalanan ba nila na natipuhan mo sila
Bakit kung parusahan mo ng iyong matatamis na pekeng salita
Ay parang mga batang niloloko ng isang salamangkerong desperado kumita

Sana matauhan ka…
Minahal kitang tunay ngunit sayo’y lokohan lang pala
Sana sa paglipas ng panahon, makatagpo ka
Ng isang babaeng paluluhurin ka habang nagmamakaawang patawarin ka niya.

Hey, my name is…
Wait, you seem familiar,
I think I’ve seen you from afar.
Oh no, I’m sure I’ve met you before

I’ve seen those eyes
Those orbs, magnificent orbs
I’ve once seen them sparkly
I’ve even seen them fiery, I think

Oh your nose,
I felt like I’ve been under them
I felt like they’ve been on my neck
I felt like my scent was devoured by them

Those lips
Soft, sculptured lips
I think I’ve touched them before
Even kissed, but I’m not so sure.

But maybe I’m just stupid to think of the possibility
That you could be…
Anyway, hi…
I shake your hand and it almost did it

The feel of your callused palm, so warm
So firm, so gentle
So like someone
Maybe it is, maybe it’s not

Then you smiled.
Both ends pull apart, east and west
Revealing a face that made me hitch my breath
Finally it did it, but my breath remained held

It is you…
It is your eyes that made me see hope in love
It is your nose that sniffed away the fear
It is your lips that kissed me and made love

It is your hand that I held so tightly
Firmly holding on to the fantasy
That you are my prince charming
In this deceitful, cruel reality

I let myself believe that a gorgeous flower
Would ever grow atop the dead tower
Just like fooling myself that you’re real and will stay
But you’re a fantasy, too good to be true, as they say.

Then there was I, weeping for your goodbye
And I asked, “Did you ever love me or did you not?”
As the answer, you left me for another
The reason was the latter.

And here you are, in front of me.
Just like before, never changed a bit.
Same eyes, same smile,
Same physique, but with a different gal

My name is…*
Oh why bother,
I was just someone you left hanging.
Just a fool you seem to be forgetting.

Tandang-tanda ko pa kung paano tayo nagsimula
Tandang-tanda ko pa kung paano tayo nagkakakila
Sa una’y wala tayong pakialam sa isa’t-isa
Pero dumating din tayo sa puntong magkausap sa telepono mula gabi hanggang umaga

Tandang-tanda ko pa kung paano mo ako pinakilig ng iyong mga salita
Kung paano mo ako pinakilig sa bawat tingin mo sa aking mga mata
Akala ko sa libro at pelikula lang nangyayari ang ganoong mga eksena
Ngunit mali pala, pati sa totoong buhay nadadama pala

Tanda mo pa ba kung paano natin gamitin ang oras
Ang oras na tila limitado ay kailan man ‘di natin hindi inabuso
Kahit pa may pagsusulit sa klase kinabukasan
Pinipili natin na magusap at maglakad hanggang tayo ay pagsabihan

Tanda mo pa ba kung paano mo ako niyakap habang ako’y humahalaklak
Kung paano mo rin ako niyakap noong ako naman ay umiiyak
Tanda mo pa ba kung paano mo sabihin na mahal mo ako
‘Di pa ‘ko naniwala dahil aminado ka na ikaw ay sadyang mapagbiro

Tanda mo pa ba kung paano natin iniwan muna saglit ang barkada
Para lang sabay tayong bumili ng fishball o monay doon sa may kanto ng kalsada
Kay tagal nating naglalakad para lang dayain at mapahaba ang oras ng pagsasama
Pagbalik nama’y iilang piraso lamang ng fishball at monay ang dala

Tanda mo pa ba noong tayo’y magkasama sa gabi at naglalakad
Kamay mo ay nakakapit sa aking baywang sa pag-aalalang baka ako’y mawala
Kahit pa maglakad sa umaga, kamay mo ay nasa aking likod
Kahit saan mo man ilagay, tila lagi **** sinasabi ay “Lakad ka lang, andito ako.”

Tanda mo pa ba noon kapag may miting ng sabado sa eskuwela
Lagi tayong pumapasok ng mas maaga, isang oras bago ang natatakda
Ngunit hindi sa eskuwela ang ***** kundi sa parke nang makapaglaro saglit
Tapos pagbalik sa eskuwela ay tayo na lang pala ang wala sa silid, dahil nahuli pa rin.

Tanda mo pa ba noong tayong dalawa ang nag-representa
Tayong dal’wa ang lumahok para sa titulo at karangalan ng eskwela
At nang manalo’y lahat nagalak at sinabi na
Tayo muli ang lalalok para sa susunod na laban sa makalawa

Nakilala tayo sa ating galing, pati na rin sa kilig na ating inihatid.
Kaya naman pag sa kompetisyon, tayo ay naghigpit.
Ang dating magkasama sa lahat at magkakampi,
Ngayo’y biglang naging magkatunggali.

Tayo ngayon ay kinumpara sa ibang magkasintahan
Bakit raw sila pagdating sa grado sa eskwela ay okey naman?
Bakit raw sila ay parang walang pakialam sa kung anong kalalabasan
Ngunit tayo ay tila naguunahan

Kanya-kanyang labanan, kanya-kanyang istratehiya
Kanya-kanyang napalanuhan, kanya-kanyang talunan
Nagsarili at ‘di na namansin pa
Para bagang dalawang taong ‘di magkakilala

Nabalot ng yabang ang ating mga isip
Ngunit ang puso nati’y nanatiling tahimik
Hindi umimik kahit isang saglit
Kaya naman isip lang ang namalagi’t naghari

Tanda mo pa ba kung paano tayo noon?
Tanda mo pa ba kung ano ang meron?
O nakalimutan mo na kung ano ang mga sinabi mo sa akin noong okey pa?
Dahil ‘di ka sumagot noong sinabi kong, “patawad” at inamin ko ring mahal kita.

Unang beses kong sinabi sa iyo ang mga salitang iyon.
Unang beses sa buong pagsasama natin ng isang taon.
Ngunit nang binanggit ko hindi ka man lang tumungo
Kundi pinabayaan **** katahimikan ang mag-ingay para sa’yo.

Natatandaan mo na ba pagkatapos ang lahat ng aking pagpapa-alala?
Natatandaan mo na ba kung paano sumibol at nawala
Ang pagsasamang puno ng pangako at pag-asa
Natatandaan mo na ba?

Kung sakali man na talagang nalimutan mo na,
Pasensya sa ingay kong ito kasi ako hindi pa.
Hindi ko malimutan sapagkat sariwa pa.
Sariwa pa lahat ang pangyayari kahapon na dahilan kung ba’t may luha ngayon sa’king mata

Kung talagang nalimutan mo na,
Lahat ng ginawa natin, malungkot man o masaya,
Utang na loob, pwede ba ako’y turuan mo sana
Kung paano limutin ang lahat ng alaala.

Kahit na hindi na matago ang sugat na nameklat na,
Peklat na kahit Sebo de Macho ay hindi kaya,
Basta mabura lang alaalang nagdulot ng sugat na peklat na
Okey na sa akin iyon, okey na.

Okey na, oo. Kasi ‘di naman talaga peklat ang dahilan
Ang dahilan kung bakit hanggang ngayon ako ay lumuluha
Eh ano naman kung may peklat ako di ba?
Wala pa rin naman kasing papantay sa sakit na nadarama

Sakit na muntik na akong malagutan ng hininga
‘Di ako nagbibiro sapagkat sa bawat pag-iyak at pag-singhot ko
Naninikip ang aking dibdib, nagdidilim ang aking paningin
Hindi ako makahinga

Tanda mo pa ba, noong tayo’y muling nag-usap
Tila ba gusto ko muling magpakilala
Akala ko kasi isang pag-uusap para muling makapagsimula
Yun pala, usapang pangwakas na.

At doon na huminto lahat ng masasakit na mga alaala.
Ngunit hindi huminto ang paghihinagpis ko bawa’t gabi, kada umaga.
Kaya naman hinihingi ko ang tulong mo kung ‘di mo na naaalala
Dahil kailangan kong malimutan ang lahat ng tanda ko pa.

There is no point in living this life unless you find someone or something to love. A person who you would want to spend the rest of your life with or an occupation that you are passionate about.

Weirdly enough, the famous song of Bon Jovi is also true—too much love will **** you. But maybe, this should be seen from a love recipient's perspective.

We all want to feel loved. Especially when everything else hates you—like Math, music, or your very own biological family who you live with under one small **** roof—finding love is really just a lucky event. However, it will soon overwhelm you.

You would think that you do not deserve the joy and happiness that you feel when you are with this person. Soon, you will think that he is too good for you. You might also think, "Why would he even want to spend more time with me when I am such a mentally unstable, emotionally broken, and pitifully toxic *****?"

Be careful what you wish for. One might not be ready to receive the love that is being given to us. It feels as if it's ******* life and love from this dearest person and you have nothing to give. This person is so full of love and you are full of filth. And it fills you with guilt that you can never make the person feel the same. Soon, you would think that he would walk away—the best person with the kindest heart, the best love of your life, the ******* best—because you have ****** and licked clean his jar of love and you gave nothing in return. Funny thing is that you don't even ask for him to love you. He just does. And that becomes more painful than ever.

Having that thought in mind makes you just want to leave to prevent the heartache and the burn out which the love of your life will suffer from. But you do not have the strength to break up with him because that kind of blow would be too hard that you would painfully hurt him. It seems as if having him burned out is the better way to "break up" with him because at least you think that it would be his decision to leave. It gives you this sick comfort that he left and you have confirmed your filthy self-concept. You have confirmed how undeserving you are and proved that you are the worst person to be with him.

But, he still stays. He still stays despite all your filth being thrown at his clean self. You have shown most of your darkest thoughts and he still chooses to stay. And it hurts you more because it would now be too hard to break up with him and hurt him because now you care more and this person has become the person who is preventing you to quit life. He is a hindrance between your wrist and that small, sharp blade that will surely deliver what you think you deserve. You clearly still do not have the strength to let him go that quickly (sick selfish wimp).

Now, you are stuck with a dilemma and all you can do is cry your eyes out. It's the only cathartic way that will allow you live another day for him until the day he gives up. It seems chaotic now. Everything else is falling apart from this one man who stands in the midst—all clean and smiling—offering you a nicer future. You are not sure whether to take the hand or the blade.

But, tonight, you take the hand yet you keep the blade in your pocket. Now, you carry it around while you walk with him hand in hand. And now, you just made your situation almost impossible to solve.

I tried but what for?

I really did try
to strengthen the defense
to weaken the weakness

I really did try
to toughen my fences
even lit up the hedges

I really did try
to thicken the lines
make it better defined

But all that
for building my defense
All gone for a split second.

For I have built that facade
Little did I know
you'll emerge from inside

And so it crumbles from within
Walls fall like a messy
soft cake; failed

And now, from the very core you begin
I can do nothing
but let it be.

I'm not guilt-tripping you
I'm just telling you the truth of what I think
That it will be better for you
If I think I should leave.

I can't find love, I'm terrible at that
It brings me to places where the way out
Is narrow that I have to cut a piece of me
To get through, scathed but free (I think).

But when love finds me
I panic.
Some kind of beauty I just can't take in.
Some kind of gift I don't deserve to receive.

Love can give in all its capacity
But when I can't reach that level of reciprocity
I'm afraid I might hurt love
And love would leave, scathed but free.

It'd be better for love to leave soon
Before I give love reason
To hurt, to be numb,
To cut a piece of itself to get through.