Things often collide within my mind
my vision slurred
your name circles my every thought
Flashes of color
words blurred and laughs echo, echo
My shadow is not my own, it doubles into two
you
you
it's always been you
I fought
but your moves are sly
always
always
in the back of my mind
I won't
forget
forget
that your eyes say more than your mouth ever will
Burned into my memory is the way you smile, with a smirk and underlying affections
your fierceness
your intricate complexion
Things often collide within my mind
I trust
I trust  
My body won't forget the sensation of your sway and touch, the way you make it a must
your warmth and fingertips
most of all your lips
I trust my memory
hope for no slips
Stop, play, rewind time
Things often collide within my mind
Static
static is all I hear
your absence is my biggest fear
you not being near
Panic
panic runs through my veins
Stop, play, it's not the same
Leo, lion pure nature of defiant
I was stupid and foolish to try and obtain, knowing lions can never be tame
Distance
distance
my mind screams
but your beauty is intoxicating, you're asphyxiating
I promise
I swear
I'll never not want to be there
Adjectives and verbs, talking about you I never run out of words
I'm saying too much
now's the time to shut up
Stop, play, rewind
Thoughts of you always occupy my mind.

Trusting steady for flower petals floating on moonlit beams.
Fractured cracks running into sewn seams of honey-colored threads.

Layering sunlight of emotions,
Rip-tide oceans hold your boulder heart open.
Velvety warm blankets shimmering with lavender energy,
Of a silence unspoken.

A roar within of a constant fiery flame.
A warrior armored with stars and an army of willowy trees.

Song buds upon lip, striking a symphonic flowery melody.
Eyes sparkling, you captivate with an alluring smile.

Flowers intertwined within your raven locks.
Summer night of fireflies and dancing bees,
Forgiveness never a weakling of knees.

Soft spoken heart beats.
Sun-fire but shaded with purpling blues.
Steadying hands even though your lips may frown.

Ever present is the sleepy shadow of a sugared temptation,
That only the befallen will know.
A darkness muddled into the after-hours of dawn.
Self-pity wars that your feet danced into nothing, no more.
You let the colors become vibrant yellows, even greens.

A warrior surrounded by atmospheres of light,
Tinged with the milky blue hue of night.
Oceans come and gone but forever in your heart is song.

This empty feeling in me does not want to leave
Refuses to pack its bags
don’t see what it’s trying to achieve
Made a home in me
right in my heart
turned it cold and dark.
I used to run away
                             I was weak
                   I gave in
fell to my knees
I let this darkness overcome and here I lie, broken inside.
The will to fight dissipates
as it     whispers            its convincing
                                                          lies
That here, where broken and empty
reside
Is so much safer than letting myself feel happy inside.
That being this is so low
there is no
                fall or receiving                         blow
I used to run away
      I was weak
                 I gave in
                              fell to my knees.
Now when you come knocking, know that there is no me
I’m gone
this is broken and empty’s home.

Pause, panic, going insane
Sick feelings and chest pain
Sweaty palms and tired eyes
Can barely grip the pen
repeat
repeat no sinking in
Scream
scream inside to tell my brain quit thinking
Questions, sentences, numbers overload, overload I want to quit
Staring at pages, I scold myself to sit
Fight, battle and war till my brain is no more
Praying
praying to God to make it go away
Eating me whole
rush
rush don't stop, you'll never make it to the top
Paralysis
paralysis clenching my fists
They tell you no gain without pain, **** this I'm going insane
Shadows of failure, failure lurking in my mind
No, no stopping keep going
you're losing time
Perfection has a cost, your head is lost.

I miss the old me
Old old old old me
Young me
Full of life me
Still
Innocent me
Now I don’t like me
I let you take me
let you break me
I still can’t face it

I miss the old old old old me
Old me
Young me
Full of life me
Still
Innocent me
Now I got scars on me
Scars on my heart
Scars on my eyes
Scars on my brain me
What do I see?
I miss the old old old old me
Old me
Young me
Full of life me
Still
Innocent me

What do you see?
See I can’t see me
Too in the dark type
Never turn on the night light
Always assume the worst type
I miss the old me
old old old old me
Old me
Young me
Full of life me
Still
Innocent Me.

Drunk on nostalgia and it's running through my veins tonight
It burns like alcohol, I convince myself it'll be alright
Shot after shot of colorful past memories
The glass clinks as I place it on the table
My hands reach out for something stable
Drunk on nostalgia and its running through my veins tonight
It burns like alcohol, I convince myself it'll be alright
Tipsy and rather wispy, I grasp forward toward you
Nothing is clear, oh dear the world is spinning
This is my inner demons winning
Drunk on nostalgia and its running through my veins tonight
It burns like alcohol, I convince myself it'll be alright
It burns like alcholol
It burns like alcohol

You're disappointing, you've never lived up to all I've imagined you to be. You're a failure. A loser. Wake the hell up. Wake up. You're letting this monster control you, you're letting it beat you. It's like you're it's *****. Do you hear me? DO YOU HEAR ME? You're it's *****. It has you on puppet strings, and I watch as it flails you around. You think you can't win, you are giving up. I'm watching the light die out from your eyes, and it's frightening. Oh god, it is frightening. You sit at this bottomless vortex of darkness and you let it consume you. You let it. YOU LET IT. Listen to me, listen, listen, listen. This is frustrating, I want to shake you, I want to shake you. You're breathing, I know you can hear me. You think you can't climb out and you think you're done for. You think you're dead. You're not dead. YOU'RE NOT DEAD. Think, think. Tick, tick. That's the clock, time is moving, it's still ticking. It's ticking. Do you see the mirror? You see it, I know you do. Look, look at you! You incompetent human being. You *******. You're being selfish, ******* selfish. Stop wallowing in self pity. You're a failure, a failure. Wake up. Wake the hell up. I know you can hear me, I'm right here! Right here in the maze of your mind, and I'm banging on your skull. I know you can hear me, I know. Wake up. Wake the hell up. WAKE UP.

The only faucet into which I pour out my inner thoughts
Has become silent
The handles are oxidizing and the pipes are frozen
Thousands of voices attack the metal walls in my mind
Bouncing
Echoing their thoughts until I swear up and down they're my own

I'm sixteen
I still can't exactly swing on a swing without being scared
I suppose it's a metaphor for life
To have fear of such a childish contraption
I'm afraid of the motion
I'm scared of falling off
But I'm not scared of falling into you
I will do it over and over and over again
I will collide
I don't fear it
I don't fear you and I
I was swinging yesterday
My stomach felt awful
I told myself to stare at something
To get lost in the thought of you
Concentrate on what I was doing
It was nice to drown in something for once
To not hate the feel of not being able to breathe when I thought of something
Maybe because it was not something dark, it was you
I drowned in your magnificence
I probably looked like an idiot sitting in a swing, smiling like a giant goofball
But I didn't really care in that moment
Because even though you were not there in person
I held you in my heart
My mind
My smile
Nostalgic settled upon my bare shoulders
Like the last rays of sunshine
A profound hush smothered my neighborhood  
I never had a swing set when I was a kid
But ironically now that I'm sixteen there is a swing set
In my backyard a couple years too late
Another life metaphor
Sometimes the best language is the unspoken kind
But I'm here screaming out with every word
That I love your everything in the loudest voice I can
The miles between us might muffle my voice
I just hope you can feel my heart beating as loud as a locomotive train

My chest feels hollow
Spaces and craters
Where my lungs and heart
Used to be

My mind is seared
With images
I can't seem to shake
From the retina of my eye
Sort of like when you stare at a light for too long and then look away
A shadow of what once was, still there

When I look to my hands
They are shackled
To you
There's a lock
But no key

A whimper from the swollen part of my insides
Almost wants to say goodbye
But I'm shackled
To you
There's a lock
But no key

My toes burn
A fire engulfs my feet
I'm no longer a tower
I'm only crumbling to my knees

I wander
Lost at sea
Lost in you
Lost in me

I wonder
How to be
With you
Or just me

Questions
I can't answer
Haunt me
I'm shackled to you
With a lock
And no key

a bitter exhaustion grips you by the throat
fear languishes your bones like lead upon your skin
a dark cave dripping numb from within

do i dare to look up again?
do i dare to give my heart as the bargain?
are you gonna break my fall,
or will you tell me you can't handle this all?

i dont want to start new anymore than you
for loving, feels like the flu
but maybe you’re the vaccine
ill take a shot of you, hoping then         i would feel              brand new
tell me, do you feel like this too?

Running through wildflower fields
With daisy chains in our hair
Your hand in mine, as we ran for our lives
The beat of two hearts
never apart
You turned to me
gasping for air
laughing aloud
I smiled, I’d never let you get away
Made you promise to stay
That very night still burns in my mind to this day.
--------------------------------------
Your words ripped through me
Flowing through my blood
Like the veins in my hands, twisting in my mind
Your heart always invisible to mine
Our daisy chains wilt and die
Just as my heart did when you uttered “Goodbye.”

Overpowering urges self destruction
numbness c ra cks and reseals
deep
    trenches
cut out
in the shape of your name

The feeling's queasy
somersault through my
twisted veins
blind rage encapsulated by a sad
blackened
frame

Bruises and scars fade
but the        coursing
pain will
forever    remain
a dark
heavy trotting
reign

Horse hooves crater my heart
collision beat
of a marching bands feet

my heart
my heart

is screaming in the dark
the shadow slightly falls

my heart
my heart

Inject your unknowing poison
I feel the sting
as it rips fire to my insides
your hands leave chemical burns
as you squeeze my lungs

I fall to my knees
weakness writhes in numb defeat
pull the tide
hold it in my hands
sending it crashing
to wash over you again

That's when I first tasted the burn of this world
the bitter taster of disappointment
the stabbing of my heart
the waterfalls of sorrow

My eyes have died
their light no longer lives
I shrivel and crumble
with a slow
dull
ache

I do not scream out
destroy my sand castles
burn my bridges
knock my buildings down

dynamite love
dynamite love

I wander with a brain blown to bits
I scavenge every
scrap
          of m u t ilated so-called-love
I am dynamite
          you are matches
all that stood between us
was a wick of string
          and time.

The steady thump sounds dull to my fingertips touch.
Shadows bend silently towards the spot in which I stand.
Rooftop corners morph into reaching hands.
Bare treetops beckon me.
Tiredness engulfs me,
Like the setting sunlight silhouetting the naked trees.
The tectonic plates beneath the surface of my skin shift ever so slowly.  
Allowing an ache to snake through me in whispers.
My blood gurgles in response to the changing sunlight,
To the rise in temperature.
My body ceaselessly remembers,
What my mind has tried so hard to erase.
So that I cannot pin the shiver that runs across my skin.

Foggy glass, disoriented lens
Distant lights, feelings beacon the whirlwind within
Touch, pass, patch up leaky feelings of the past
Smile and laugh what a perfect cover that goes up fast
Feel passionately? Dear god, watch faces become aghast
Shun, make fun, outcast those who express emotions
Oh no, fall in step with typical motions
"Be yourself," they say, "We prefer you that way."
Utter ******* they feed you with, they don't want the real you
They want a smooth perfected version which surely isn't true
Contradicted, inflicted lies, don't fall in it's a vortex of demise
Mindless behavior we all evoke, based off one hell of a joke.

You were a nightmare
in a fairy tale disguise
and my heart

heart

aches so hard
you

You were ribbons of blood     tied

so   tightly
twisted around   around my heart
I didn't mind the least, I
distorted
rains as

It fractures across my face
cracks of nostalgia

placed by lightening storms
that crackle
across
my skin

With a slight
slapping
                 sting

I hate time, the way it speeds up
                                                                      slows
down
and     jerks      

me around

It slaps me in the face
Cackling with a ferocity of time travel
rewind reverse velocity

Dragging me by a thought
        
            thread

shatter the light with
explosive
hammering in my eyelids

My atmosphere darkly  
                               clouded
by
lowly haunt clouds

My heart rumbled thunder in my chest  
my eyes swelled stormy
crashing down with foamed black water

I

I struggle to breathe with the crushing
promise broken
      ribs
that cage my lungs

Your cold
spiny fingers

clutch

my heart
as it
        beats
your fingernails needle poison
into
my veins

stopping blood flow once again

In your sick twisted play-time
my eyes witness
my veins
pulse
black

     you

you squeeze completing the crime
blood covers your hands
    
          you wash them clean
     they are stained
  blood blue      
       ribs splinter
your fingertips
       the moon will pull
the
    tide
to wash me into the sea.

Me: "It's amazing when you think about it. I know and I'm grateful that I got the chance to be me. I may hate myself feverishly sometimes but only because I feel so deeply and others don't and some may say that's being sensitive, it's not ya know? It's feeling without a mental block."
Her: "I LOVE YOU FOR SAYING THAT"
Her: "We actually let ourselves feel all our feelings"
Her: "We're emotional with depth"
Her: "We're universes"
Her: "There's worlds within us"
Me: "That is the most true and beautiful way to describe it."
Me: "It's the depth, I love depth. Depth is a deal breaker, if you have depth you are me and I am you. Depth is like having a blood sister but way better. To me depth is being a part of something larger, we are children of the universe. We were born with galaxies as minds and suns as hearts."

The aftershocks
Ripple rash anger consuming my frame.

****** duels with metal swords of rage
That slice innocence in half.

Irrational self-destruction,
Showing signs of weak malfunction.
Boiling blood gurgling through my veins.

How do I dare let such a horror rule my weak blackened hands?

Snarling fangs,
Foaming rabid with distain, puncture my brain.
Ripping pride and ego to bloodied shreds.

Failure, weakness, defeat,
Their sharp clawed feet incessantly transfix me.  

Agonizing.
Inflicting purposeful pain,
The need to destroy shall grind me to a pulp.

Evil is ruling a twisted game.
Queen of Hearts.  
King of Spades.

Gnawing at my bones, my tendons snap.
Eyes of fire that could torch one’s soul, encase a beastly rage.
I roar,
Thrashing and afraid.

It burns your joints
A silence, so loud, it ricochets off the walls in your mind
It is not a deafening silence
It is the kind that makes your ears ring
A quickening of the pulse
Invasive to the mind, like a dog's bark at 5:30 pm on a chilling December night
Your soul is screaming
Your toes are purple when you look down at them in the shower
It's all surrounding you
Pressing your arms to your sides as water runs over your mouth
Your pulse thuds in your ears so loud
It is equivalent to a locomotive train
It burns your joints

The sunrise burns with fire
just as my desire
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
empty stare windowing wishes of being there
I've met my tolerance for this pain
I'm losing the game, slowly running insane
I'm sinking down, waiting for the black water to crown
This is going so slow, this descent of a new low
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
stomach ache, smiles that I fake
rewind time with my mind, so I know you not to find
wishing well of forgetting spells enraptures my skull
I will not give in to your lull, repeat this defeat
scar it in again
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
You're forgetting me as I reminisce you
that much is true
I'm sick of staring at the same black hue
twisted heart and scared hands
I was your biggest ******* fan
now I've seen your future plan
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
maybe it's the truth
that I was meant for you but you weren't good for me
You poisoned the sea and now all that's left is fractures of that huge fee
cracked heart of stone
I'm tired of listening to the same old tone
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time
I need to give it up
You'll never be mine
Shattered
shattered I'm sick of thinking I never mattered
make it stop, make it go away
I don't want to go on another day
this is going to slow, this descent of a new low
I wish I could erase you from my mind
I wish to forget you this time.

When does it stop
When does being lost in translation stop
When does the reality of temporary become permanent
And reality a finality of time
When do shadows stop eating at the nothingness of everything
When do the questions stop and become the answers
When does relief come
Or does relief just falsify into a cast of the illusion of okay
"When does it stop?" I ask you.
"WHEN DOES IT STOP?" I scream at the shadow of your profile in the depths of my painted wall
And my skin feels tight as it is suffocating my shackled veins
"It doesn't, does it?" I ask you.
"IT DOESN'T, DOES IT?" I scream at my shaking hands full of fury and broken glass
I said I was sorry, that I didn't mean it
You said I did, you said I did
You said it was okay, you said it's okay, you said it's okay
Okay is nothing but an illusion of this fragmented world
It's not okay.
It's broken, it's fury, it's shackled and turbulent
It's glass in my palms made of tiny pills
That cut my throat as I swallow you down
In hopes you'll love me again.

The crushing waves obliterated me as
the air had settled
stale
my sea was not
black
nor smooth
as glass

but
stones of thought
sent it rippling
as you

you

you twisted the moon in your favor

the wail of
gut wrenching
thoughts

gusts

through the corridors of my mind
       tornado memories
crack my eyes

I stare at my clenched hands
slowly
turning purple from the surging pain
of
remembering

I will
whisper
your

your

name for the first time in days
run it over my teeth and tongue so
slow

I'll savor the bittersweet taste making sure not to swallow
it whole
Shocking black
into a hue of navy blue
My heart sputters
choking

on sharp splitting pain
Convulsively, impulsively

reaching out
my broken fingers for you
They meet frozen
fractured
glass

I shift my weight and I shatter

slipping

slipping through the crack of your abyss.

I'm tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close
I'm sick of having them hover so near
I want them to disappear
White and black shifting shadows
Circles that breathe in and out
I want to shout and release, but with them comes no ease
They are reaching into my skull with their bony fingers
They grasp on to my train of thought, I can't even say I fought
stabs across my skin

    signals from my nervous system

Dice up my heart and feed it to the shadows
I'm tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close
They whisper my name constantly beating me insane
I swear I'm mad, because sometimes it makes me glad
twisted and knotted in my veins they cackle inside my brain

Sometimes we're friends and the fun never ends
we sit together in gray weather
dredged with darkness I whisper your name
I turn it over on my tongue
waiting and        wishing                    becoming so much more
                                                            ­                                          numb
Days seep into nights
switch off the lights in my head
put myself to bed
Say goodnight and close your eyes so you don't see the shadowed demons and where they hide
because in your head is where they reside
I'm so tired of these ghosts of which I hold so close.

Caught in a crossfire
confused with desire
electric feelings
dangerous feelings
out of focus, a rush
longing for touch
two paths, which to choose
left or right
stuck in a plight
so very confused about what is right
{}
Hope is foolish and love makes you blind, you seem to be out of time.

The feeling of dread overcomes me once again
Gut stabbing
heart sinking strain
My mind screams no
the colors fade out and in
I stand with my head turned upward
fractured light beams
My fingertips are shriveled
my body purple
I breathe in and out
with every gasp it rushes in
dying
my dreams
Sometimes the world shakes and it makes me so dizzy
I run through the halls of the labyrinth
shapes shifting
shadows lifting then dropping over and over again
My hands lie still but my mind screams in shrills
The colors fade out and in.

I was thinking about the day I met you today. I smiled and laughed to myself a little remembering your yellow and purple hoodie. Remembering the fact that you're the only girl I saw who could ever pull off pink eye shadow that well. I remember looking at you, not believing how green your eyes were. I remember the first thing you said to me it was "You should say yes." Thinking back on it to how we are now, I never would've guessed you to be such a huge part of my life. I kept getting your scent today, it happened five or six times. It wasn't anyone wearing your perfume. I just caught it. I felt tiny knives in my heart, it made me nostalgic.

My heart is pockmarked
Like the face of the moon
Oh, from loving you
And you and you

The craters on my heart
Left, from the massive destruction
Of giving so much
In return, receiving nothing

From a distance
My love appears whole
But those pieces have been lost
Oh, to you
And you and you

Are hearts really pink?
Mine feels black and blue
Oh, from you
And you and you

My heart's fire
Burns passionately around the blackened craters
Oh, not for you
And you and you.

I'll stay awake tonight
I'll make sure our memory
stays
alive

I'll wrap it up
hold it close
give it warmth
rock it back and forth

I won't let it grow cold
I won't let it's light die out
I

I will hold it in my heart
let it set me on fire
orange burns flaming blue

finality drops like a gavel
resounding
echo
ring

endsclashwithbeginnings
as sunrises and nights do

my stomach tips
tipsy containing all of you
my lips they
burn
from         dragging     you in
I smoke you
and

I

I choke on your
                sickeningly
                         sweet
                               poison
you
fill
my lungs
deflate my kerosine heart

your love
burned me
up
my skyscrapers
down

coldly hollow
winded room
with blown out candle thoughts

lifeless eyes
     c rac ked
window panes
the glass you  
                touched
was frigidly warm
with nocturnal sapphire gleams

my door sits ajar
but you knock          continually
banging
my wooden paneled frames

splinter me through
rapture
my shores of endless sores

I

I am

I am begging
you
to light me on fire
               set me ablaze once more

power hold of gripping electric lies
did it give you some
sick
twisted
satisfaction to break me
          down
to shove my head
underwater
and force me to
         drown?