Not black
Distract
Ignore, destroy
Face the facts
Living last
Flailing, failing fast
Turn, burn, yearn
Emptiness so vast
Empty, half full glass
Race to complacency
Staples in my stomach
Staring at ceilings
Simplicity in feeling
What demands to be felt
Doing our best with the hands we’ve been dealt

Wild-eyed, sitting frozen
Feeling trapped in the life I’ve chosen
Revolting, molting, shedding dead skin
Shaking these bones, can never relax
I’ll never win.
Chagrin, baring my sins like the crooked smiles cloaking my lies.
I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine :)
Feel like I’m sinking, thinking of dirt, worms,
The grave I keep digging
Flinching at memories I wish meant nothing
Clinging to love I’m eternally lacking, somehow missing
Piiissing myself at the thought
Blissing out like a star in the sky
Lost in my own world, omitting the why’s
and who’s that got me here
Somehow I survived my 23rd year
Unwanted writer girl, suffocated by fear
Dreaming of drowning in beer
Lost in this loneliness
Regretting everything I’ve ever held dear.

Filling in the blanks.
Throw away worn out pages from the journal of my past.
Forgetting names, relationships that didn't last.
No class, sensible sass on the *** of my jeans.
Playing with words when I want to be mean.
Don't want to be needy.
Forgotten peace treaty with the demons eating my psyche.
I'm ugly, you're boring, we're all like vampires feeding on each other.
Undeniable hate, but I still always say "We should love one another."
Denial undercover, smother the problems I'm not yet equipped to recover from with a sly wit.
Another temporary fix to cover up the shiit that somehow replaced the mud and the blood in my veins.
I'm lonely and strange and beginning to prefer it this way.
Not well behaved, I don't feel like pretending to be today.
That's okay, I'll try again tomorrow.
Indian giver, time's always borrowed.
Mostly hollow but I'm trying harder every day to gain the patience it takes to fill in the blanks.

Of course you don’t understand.
You don’t have to.
This doesn’t affect you.
Burdens inside me, rarely seen or heard.
Often alone.
Writing suicide manifestos every other night
Feeling bright when I forget the weight that I carry.
Destruction behind me wherever I go.
The weight of my family’s misfortune in tow.
Blame myself, hate myself.
Never really had the ability to show what is real for me.
Difficult to please, ducking and dodging reality.
Everything to nothing.
Memories I can’t bury. No hand to hold
Maybe my purpose is just this.
Can’t change the past, only learn from it
And let it grow old.

Hard to talk about things when you have nobody to talk to.
Hard to have a good day when there's nowhere to go and nothing to do.
Hard to feel love when you end up hurting or pushing away everyone who's ever cared about you.
Being trapped inside this compassionless life has been eating my soul.
I'm complacent and lazy and I feel so alone.
It's cold it's cold it's cold.
But I guess I can feel a little less alone knowing my bones have something in common with the weather.
Writing letters to everyone who's bed I've ever slept in saying thank you for the tenderness.
*** is just a vacation from the emptiness.
Having fun seems mythical from where I stand today.
It's an art being this much of a burden, no matter where I am, I'm in somebody's way/
Happiness is an art and I'm all out of paints

I carry the torch of this misery.
The bearer of all secrets that kept us terminally sick.
Held hostage by brokenness
Hostess to alcoholism, cynicism, paranoid delusions
A pillar upon which a false empire was built?
Was the straw that broke the camel's back composed of grass or guilt?

A person who feels like home can be dangerous when you carry the blame of destroying the one you grew in.

Emerged from my isolation to walk under the stars.
$11.11 was the total for my holiday purchase of alcohol and cigarettes
I wished upon a scar that I would one day grow to be whole.
I listened to your playlist on the cold walk home.

These metaphors for living pure are cheesy
All existence is chaos
Anthems of anger, ballads for those who have lost
Holding fading souls and cradling hearts like hammocks for the homeless

I'm not really a poet, but I'll write a poem anyway.
Reading a good poem is like c*mming, but for your soul
I don't know whether to be insulted or to thank you for calling me a succubus.
Humans make my brain hurt. Yes, that includes me.
I don't know what I want but I'm pretty sure I'll get it.
I think I'd be a better writer if I didn't think so much.
Can't tell if I'm "need to eat" hungry or if it's the black hole in my chest beckoning to be fed.
Some days live wire lust for life
Others, the walking dead.
(Un)Inspired Pyro
You don't have to rhyme to be a poem.
How sweet it is!

Divine is the wilderness
Pristine in it's dancing stillness
Breeze echoing through leaves
Trees stretch up to kiss the open air

Embracing, waving hello to you and to me
To the clouds, the birds, the butterflies and bees.

Stars, sun, and moon
Say hello and smile too

We are them, they are we. I am you, you are me.
Everything in everything; all branches of the same ancient and beautiful universal tree.

I think I've had enough of society, daydreaming from the inside of a ***** factory.
All those pretty lights, glistening and glowing; Turned stars to satellites, listening and knowing.
Humankind traded their souls for ego and every day it's f*cking showing

The wind will keep blowing, and the trees will keep waving.
Freedom and peace are everywhere, waiting.

Welcome to my headspace
Please leave your expectations at the door
Disordered psyche, impulsivity and indecision have branded me a wh*re
I want to be much then more
Humming,sighing, everything’s a bore. Screaming, crying, slumped on the floor.
Everything’s too much. Life and love are not enough.
The fist that’s beating the hope out of me is my own neurotic instability.
Insecurity, emotionally and financially draining me.
Return me to the sea where I have always belonged.
No longer defined by my wrongs,
Or the wrongs that have been done unto me.
Rather entangled with an indescribable longing
To be strong, independent, comfortable.
For the ability to know that where I am is where I belong.
Lost in breathing moments.
I exist I exist I exist

Smashed skull mentality.
Altered states of mind/ sober all the time
Slick, sickly cycling. Dreaming of love and of dying
Slimy sucky lust
No trust but I'm trying
Sticky fingers; Blue, brown, green eyes
Why do I appreciate, have mercy for every soul but my own?
This might be a house but it isn't a home.
Sweaty naked bodies, distasteful escape.
Wasteful mind
Bring me your time.
Minefield life just trying to survive most days.
Brain waves moody haze with your hand in mine I am thriving.
Pillow soft lips a kiss away from drowning in a strangers' eyes.

Endless longing set the days on fire.
Time warp, essential sensuality
Warm breeze running through my mind
Black poison blood, sweat, c*m, and confusion populate my veins.
A race toward brokenheartedness or objectivity
Lift the curse of eternal shame.
Forgotten toxicity embalmed in simplicity and transparency
Complacency, erasing a disgusting history
Bury me in the laurels you rest on.

Executive dysfunction
Blurred lines, blurred vision
Sleeping in the grass
Sun set / sun rise, time passing like morning dew eases away from forested valleys' lake.
Slipping away, like sand through my fingers, drift into space.
I'm living slowly, lonely these endlessly numbered days.
Dazed, hazy, wake bake skate.
Mindful meaning
Fleeting smiles sink into me
Can we stay for a while?
Grinning beneath unlucky skin
Sinner within undercover
No lover, no friends
No pool No Pets No Cigarettes
No sleep, finding safety beneath a poet-tree
Seeking sanctity in sacred places.
Harmony is heavenly
Rise and shine! Levitate and radiate!
Never trust tomorrow, embrace whatever comes of today.

Eyes wider than Ohio
Staring directly into the truth I've spent years in denial about.
Psychedelic doubt
Ugly within, uglier without.
Questioning myself and every decision I've ever made
Ego dissolution, consequential confusion
Every move has a karmic influence
So we spend our days in the sunlight of the spirit
Summertime eternal
Flowers will die but ever we are in bloom
Screaming "doom" & "i love you"
From the womb to the tomb.

A drowning person is not troubled by the falling rain
Embracing pain I've ignored far too long
Chasing dragons, suspended in denial.

I am delusional with love.
Bruised, eluding these illusions.
Cling to what feels safe.
Cold, calculated; Jaded smile.
I'm hiding behind it all my nasty habits and the tragedies of my past.
A mystery, or just a loser encased in egotistical gluttony?
Can you find me?

I don't need a hand to hold
Could you do it all alone if you had to?
Living in this misery
By myself just I and me
If I could open up my heart
I don't know that there's any part of me that even wants to

Living in a foreign language
You can't reach me here
Nobody can

You can't see me
Can you blame me?
Am I real?
This body's so faulty
Thoughts worse
Head hurts
Sparse words
Throat burns
Sharp things
False door
Locked away is something more than a broken wh*re
I think?

Slowly letting go
Daydreaming lovers and lies untold
Bold but homely
Bored and lonely
Cross-eyed and painless
Strung out and brainless

Uncomfortable oh comely
Emptiness, friendlessness
I still exist - I think.
I know this isn't all there is
*****, beautiful, broke, and free
Is the only state in which I find peace.

Dawn is breaking and so am I
Daylight bright in misty eyes
I woke alone, in my tent in a forest;
hugged and kissed the void good morning
I miss something I've never had and it's vicious in my mind.

Relapse tastes like cheap beer and clenched fists
Lust for life and homelessness

Flooded with nostalgia from the very first sip
Love is a cold aluminum kiss
Hazy dazed laziness
Sunshine & spit
Miller Lite is my favorite weapon
Toxic intoxicated entanglement
Liquid courage & devious motivation
Criminal elixir
Watch me drink the poison expecting everyone else to die
I'm only lying because I love you
Flame too hot to touch
Burning down everything... I cared about it all once.
Myself, my life, my reputation
But what's the f*cking point?
Giving a **** is just premeditated disappointment.
How will I ever get out of this labyrinth?
The inevitable irresistible slip, over and over
All over this meaningless existence

There are days when there's no use in fighting off the ill feelings I get when I look at humanity. Utter disgust for the lack of love in society's eyes. Some days I let it hurt and harden my heart. Consume the rot.

Other days it makes me softer. I stomp the rot like crunchy fall leaves. Some days I am spilling kindness, all smiles and hugs, child-like love and wonder like I've never witnessed the bitterness, the truth.

Today I internalize the brutality and drown in the knowledge that I am powerless. My heart is decaying like a dead dog that I hope I one day find the strength to bury.

i want to empty my brain
free myself of never ending pain, the weight of these chains
i want to drive in the rain, never see the east coast again
wishing all this needless suffering could be forgotten
but is my past truly the root of why I feel so rotten?
is retaliation against these feelings of meaninglessness ever going to lift the curse?
any grandeur is a fantasy it's true I'm delusional. the cycling is endless, of this i am sure.
how can i reverse the sinking thinking that takes me so low my only answer is drinking?
making goals, feeling love, pulls me out from these holes I've dug.
my impatience is unsatisfied when i am reminded (as i always am) enlightenment and contentment take time

There are forbidden things bursting forth from beneath my tongue like blooming flowers from the ground.
Urging me to the arms of strangers.
No, there will never be another special one, no like-minded soul to trust and confide in. My past rusts within me.

I am a human vault with no combination. Feeling nostalgic again for relationships I ruined.
On purpose in distrust I'm alone with all this lust again.
Sometimes self-awareness feels like a sham.
Will I ever know who I am?

Knowing me is more an eternal sigh and shake of the head than a pleasure.
I wish I was alright but I just might have to become okay with being all wrong forever.
Band-aids don't work on hearts.

Good things aren't the only things that fall apart. Nobody starts out exactly where they need to be.
The journey is the best part, though it isn't always pretty.
"I'd rather be a lonely forest than a busy street."
We all can be ugly, we all can be beautiful.
Most importantly, we all can be whoever we want to be.

I want to stop obsessing over the wound and pay attention to the healing.
Accept the past, begin forgiving.
Trek the bumpy road ahead to self-love and recovery.