Midnight Thoughts Of The Broken

Jan 2018

III

The boy who made
     A simple incision
     Above his heart
With the inky
Blade of a pen
Stuck a razor
          Inside,
And who moved his hand
     Like a blender
Lived to tell
The tale of
The girl down
     His block,
Who swore
     She'd be beautiful,

And laughed at
The misfortune of it all
As they crossed her arms
     And buried her when her
          Chest fell,
But didn't rise up quick enough again.

Part 2

#heart #poetry #death #beauty

Jan 2018

III

Untitled Part 1

The girl who tied
     Roses around her
     Tongue in hopes
To taste no evil
Bled to death
    With thorns
          In her teeth.

Part 1

#thorns #teeth #bleed #death

Jan 2018

Vanessa Gatley

Blood

This blood was mine
But as u left it seems to drain
And it became dry but stained my
Heart and soul

Jan 2018

Nicole

I Am a Broken Record

Glowing screens in the
Dark dark dark
White smoke against a
Spark spark spark
I'm consumed by this ****** up
Heart heart heart
And I need an escape from all its
Parts parts parts

I feel so broken and lost

My mind is a skipping record
Repeating everything until it's
Dead dead dead
I'm on the couch
And my love is in my
Bed bed bed
And I feel so trapped
Stuck in my
Head head head

I can't break this cycle alone
But I'm losing my cool
This is fear
This is panic
This is irrational
It's useless

And I need it to stop
Stop
Stop
Before it rips me
Apart

#commitment #issues #fear #panic #mind #racing #thoughts #anxiety #love #relationships

Jan 2018

Nicole

Dear Love,

I'm sorry I'm so ****** up and
Overall just complicated
I know my feelings
But sometimes I don't feel them
And that's terrifying
I know they're there but
They get shoved under
By the waves of anxiety and fear
I want to give you everything
But I don't know what that means
I get trapped within myself
And it feels like I can't breathe
These thoughts thrash through my mind
Tearing up everything they touch but
I love you entirely
And I don't want this darkness to touch you
So I'll probably always question
Why you make the active choice to be with me
I'll never understand
How someone as amazing as you
Could ever love someone this broken
For that, I am the luckiest person
Because you do love me
And you're with me
And you're the most loving and supportive person I know
And you remind me constantly
As exhausting as that might be
So thank you for being you
And for being here
I love you
Always

With love and tremendous appreciation,
Carter

#letter #love #relationships #hard #poly #polyamory #support #trust #openness #happy

Jan 2018

Star BG

I Will,

travel in a vacuum of sounds.
A place where right becomes left.
and colors melt into turquoise sky.
Where I sing like wind through trees,
and feathers are painted on sacred self.

I will dip myself in a writers vision.
A place where up is down
and green is blue.
Where words dance
in a symphonic Orchestra.

I will journey into a portal of dreams.
A place where the galaxy pulsates within.
and the universe is upside down.

StarBG © 2017

Inspired by HH a gift to the world.

Jan 2018

girl diffused

Memento

Here's what I'll collect of us:
1. Your hand holding my nine year old one,
2. small and uncertain
3. small and growing
4. You waking up before the rest of the world
5. The sound of you raking fallen brittle palm fronds and leaves
6. Feeding the dogs
7. Turning the cornmeal for them in the massive ***
8. Your rare smiles
9. The smell of Old Spice
10. Filling the shopping cart with whatever I wanted
11. My too-tiny hands clasping about the cart and pushing it along with you
12. Us scouring the aisles for Eggo's waffles and my favorite brand of banana chips
13. My nine year old self sitting on your lap while you dozed off
14. Our conversations about politics and the current state of the world
15. Our long conversations
16. Our long conversations about your youth
17. Me hearing your story about how you cared for yourself from 15 years old for the 105th time
18. Me never getting tired of hearing about that story
19. Your rare smiles reaching your eyes
20. The softness of your hair as I stroke your head now
21. Sitting by your bedside and being comforted by your soft breath as you sleep
22. Sitting by your bedside remembering my childhood with you
23. The long summers in your house with grandma and my cousin
24. The long summers in your house on the island
25. The long summers back home--back in your home country
26. Your hand holding my nine year old one,
27. small and uncertain
28. small and growing
29. You waking up before the rest of the world
30. You going to sleep after everyone else
31. Your hand holding mine.
32. Your breath.
33. The softness and steadiness of your breath.

A list poem dedicated to my 90-year-old grandfather as he battles prostate cancer. I love him and respect him with all my heart. There are so many other memories that I will cherish and hold onto, like most recently, my trip with him to Niagara Falls. These are just a few that I can fondly recall from childhood. He's essentially the father I never had.

#poetry #list #grief #memories #reminiscing #reminisce

Jan 2018

girl diffused

renewal

It’s so easy to
B
   u
      r
        y

Myself in the

infinite

loudness

of your soul

#micropoetry #poetry #spiritual #relationship #platonic #deep #connection

Jan 2018

Rebel Heart

3561 Miles- Reprise

A mystery
They called me
Wearing a million different faces
Wearing a million different smiles

A lost soul
They didn't see
3561 miles away from the one place I was half-real
3561 miles away from the one place I half-smiled

Mile 1
I'm drowning within myself
Slowly, silently, secretly
Constantly wandering
Trying to find that broken girl
Who never had a childhood
Trying to escape from the skeltons
Thrown in the depths of the closet
Long before I could even spell my name
Now 3561 miles away just to make sure they don't rise up again

Mile 147
I'm suffering in the hospital
There was always something wrong with me
I always deserved this pain
If only I could get rid of it myself
If only... If only...
If only
And so I tried.
Every time the darkness swelled up
And gripped my throat, i tried..
But they called me crazy
Not broken
Not hurt
Not upset
But crazy...
Crazy because i tried
Now 3561 miles from all those who labeled me insane

Mile 836
My fight with life and death
Because I forgot what living was
Long before I blew out 4 candles on a tiny cake...
Because death wouldn't embrace me
Death would torment me instead,
Cursing me to forever stay stuck living
Somewhere between the brink
Of life and death..
And so I finally took matters into my own hands...
Not sinfully but sensibly, the odds forever against my favor
But health is just relative and my body already a mess,
The brain I counted on slowly dying out
My future that once smiled upon me
Now nothing but a faded curse
Now 3561 miles away because I somehow survived
3561 miles away because I kept surviving

Mile 2451
Everyone was fed up with me
I was a burden living or dead
No place for me in either realm.
I breathed through the cracks of reality
And packed my bags to live in an illusion
So that life wouldn't catch up to me ever again
Now 3561 miles away and I can finally breathe again
3561 miles away yet no closer to living nor death

Mile 2915
I'm overthinking things through
Like all these loose ends, broken hearts, and you
Because nobody cares unless you're rich or dead
And I was both of those yet neither
And those who saw through that were but a few..
A living paradox was my life
Almost an adult, give it 6 more days
I'll never tell you but I'll be gone before that fated day
Your memory of me gone quicker than that
Because I left once before and I should've never come back
But I'm glad I did
Now 3561 miles away and I know you'll do better without me
3561 miles away you would've been better if I never came back

Mile 3428
I'd forget everything about my life
The demons I kept pushing down would resurface now and again
But only as whispers of ghosts still haunting bits of the past
There's so much I still don't remember and yet,
I'd never forget you and everyone else I left behind..
I'd always wonder what'd happen to you
I'd always wonder how fine is fine..
You say I should be tired of running away
Don't worry, this time I'll be gone for good
The name I wanted everyone to remember
Will disappear under the tides on the sand
Never to be brought up again but by ghosts
And when you're old and grey
And happy and free
Don't cry remembering me as someone who died too young
Because I was old, grey, and torn at the edges
Far before I became a ghost myself
Now 3561 miles away from anyone I ever was
3561 miles away from anyone I could ever be

Mile 3557
I realized you knew me too well
I'm regretting everything before it happens
Because there was never enough..
Never enough words to tell you everything I could
Never enough time to tell you everything to tell
The letters slip and get lost on the tip of my tongue
Because you thought I was stronger than this
But I've been falling apart since the beginning
Crumbling slowly under the pressure of it all
Crumbling under things I never told you
And things I couldn't burden you with
Now 3561 miles away with things that I'll bury with me
3561 miles away because forever is a fantasy

Mile 3561
This is it...
Or so you think
Where my old life and new life collide and blend
Where I can forget everything and move on...
Though we both know that's not true
Because these masks melt under the moonlight
And these smiles stay forgotten under the glimmering stars..
As strong as I want to be,
As many times I change my name,
I'll never be able to cover up these scars within..
I'll never be able to forget the few who’ve cared
(I can count them all on one hand)..
And I'll let you in on a little secret-
The countless nights that threatened me with my own life,
I'd breathe in the universe before it swallowed me whole
And breathe out as I count those names on my one hand
Over and over
And over again
Over and again till my mind found sanity
Over and again till the sun found a grip on the sky
Over and again till the darkness inside me crept back
Into the broken cracks in the edges of my mind..
So go ahead and tell me,
Tell me how I'll forget the memories we've made
I've lost a lot of them but not the important ones
Tell me how I'll find someone new
Nobody could ever replace you
Tell me how much you miss me
Along with everyone who seems to care
Because time will change and people come and go
We're merely shadows floating around with no purpose
We come into people's lives only to fade out to some other
But despite all that and everything else,
How could you ever think you didn't mean anything to me?..
Because now I'm 3561 miles away,
Tired, broken, fed up
I'm 3561 miles away
Shattered, crying, torn apart
I'm 3561 miles away
Stuck writing something
That'll never reach you-
At least until
I'm 25,300,000,000,000 miles away for good

My closest friends became my family but I guess I was just cursed with family issues forever because I lost them too..
Dedicated To the few people I consider better than family- I wish you knew how much this hurts- and to one of my best friends who was there when I started to think I'd never open up to anyone again and who wrote the original piece of this poem- you were always meant for better things.
This has probably already become too long but you know me I keep everything buried deep and when the world sleeps I finally find it in me to write out some of these useless emotions.
I wish I was better with communication but all my words were ever good for were closet poetry and songs written to never be played... words I spill onto the walls of my empty room in the back of my head that I re-paint over because I'm a mess and maybe I always will be but if I never see any of you guys again I'm sorry because you were the only ones who ever got a peek into that room I try to so desperately hide and accepted me for it all...
I'll always regret never knowing how to show how much I care

(RH just unlocked a whole new set of poetry that I just saw and I'm excited to be sharing all these newfound words to share with all of you guys. Most of these have pre-written messages and I don't intend to change a single word from anything written. It seems I might be permanently taking over this account for her but all work published will solely be hers. Thank you for all the support from everyone so far and happy writing! ~BM)

#life #death #soul #heart #family #friends #away #escape #childhood #wish

Dec 2017

Jessy

my thoughts

I look at myself in the mirror,
Unsure why
I don’t like what I see,
But how can I change?
I was made this way for a reason
And I will stay this way forever.

I don’t want to be like this forever.
I look at my reflection in the mirror
And I do it for a reason,
Even though I don’t know why.
But I guess I want to change
Although it’s not that easy, you see...

I hate what I see,
And I don’t want to be this way forever.
But I don’t know how to change.
Because what I see in the mirror
I think is ugly. You ask why?
Well even I don’t know the reason.

And there is a reason,
That I am still unable to see
And I know why.
Because no matter what, I will think this way forever
And continue to look in the mirror
Wanting my body to change.

I want myself to be different, to change
And it’s like that for a reason.
I can only see myself in the mirror
And I hate what I see.
It will be like this forever
No matter how many times I ask ‘why’.

I cry and scream and yell out ‘why’,
Because I want my body to change.
I will cry forever
For the very good reason
That I hate what I see
When I look in the mirror.

I now know why and it will stay like that forever,
I look in the mirror and am disgusted with what I see,
But I see that I can’t change myself and that is the reason.

#depression #suicide #selfhatred #disgust #confusion #repetition #why

Dec 2017

Rebel Heart

Mise en Abyme

Lost in the illusion
Of this painting they called life,
A small girls sits shivering
In the corner of her bathroom floor
...
Inside of this masterpiece
The girl paints more of just that,
Her tears watercolors on the canvas
Of the tiles lining the bathroom floor
...
These tiles now cold and hard
Eating away like acid on her cool flesh,
The comfort of the childhood memories
All washed away from within the walls
That once gave her peace of mind.
Bubble baths turned to ****** ones
As she brings her art to life
...
The words thrown at her
Outside of the world in her bathroom
Now painted red in bold font
Inside a canvas unseen
By anyone but the bitter ghost
Left to rot in the corners of the stone walls
Under the bubbles of the water
That ate away at her crimson tainted flesh
...
The tears stop falling
While the water still runs
Over her treacherous heartbeat,
Down the curves of her spine
As she desperately attempts
To wash away her sins
Not knowing the paint was permanent
Forever etched into her skin
Burning demons into her own canvas
...
Years later,
After many hidden portraits..

Her fragile body aches
As she paints one more masterpiece
To tie the rest of her canvases together.
And with a final stroke of her brush
A tear slips down her face
Rejoicing in how long her art lived
In secrecy before she ran out of paint
...
  She finally paints her signature
  Onto the tiles of her bathroom floor
  Her legacy or a warning to those stuck like her
  The world won't ever come to know
  All they knew was her heart ran out
  Of words to say and canvases to paint
  As she took her last breath and spelled out
           **Mise en Abyme

Pieces of another dark poem found in the archives written officially on this date 7 years ago... and yet what inspired this or rather who still remains much of a mystery ~BM

#tragic #depression #death #love #floor #skin #body #art #paint #tear

Dec 2017

John F McCullagh

Living Memory

The water laps against the hull
Just like that time before
Just like that Sunday morning
That exploded into war.
In these old eyes
That yet can see
Those waves of rising Suns,
A tear wells up
In memory
for those forever young.
Below my feet
My brothers’ lie;
Proud Arizona’s crew.
For a time I have
Escaped their fate
But now my days are few.
and when I die,
I’ll make my grave
In Pearl, beneath the Sea.
Then all we suffered
Will be lost
to living memory.

( An aging veteran of Pearl Harbor, alone with his thoughts and memories, at the 76st Anniversary of the day of infamy)