•
       you
               secretly
                       wishing, for
                              your writes to be
                                noticed•simple sign
                             that they have not been
                          missed•with every view
                     and every like•your popu-
               larity does spike•somewhat
          places your art on the poetry
      map•between major players,     
  you close the gap•constantly      
checking to see  who's been              
reading•you're always deli-               
ghted to see the 'yellow                      
lightning'•a wish...                            
    for those who                             
     are writ-                    
ing      
•
secretly hope not only for your words to be
reaching far and wide, but also... trending•

Sometimes,
somewhere in my mind it scratches through the surface.
It eats me alive inside. So how is it that*  I am  still apart of this life.
In mine,  Corruption
in my criminal mind leaves me  NOT  fine.
Chosen  to keep moving closer to my heart that can still be defined.
Inclined and unaligned through my spine,  I see the  story through my eyes and it pulls me behind.
My  world  is unkind.
As  for this life
I used to fight,
and for I  never  shined.
So It's  FINE?
No, here I wine about the life of my  **corrupted minds.

Thoughts will knock on the walls of my skull
in my mind divine, twisted, and dull.
They would tell me that I'm nothing, over and above that I'm useless is what it would call.
I would try to feel tall
but they would knock me down to make me feel so small.
I'd have had enough and began to fall, to were i felt
I didn't need a life at all.

I got a question,
When your fears come up on to the surface and you don't have the strength to over come them, what do you do?
I got a question,
When you're crawling through with one limb tide with two and that support looses you, who am I supposed to talk to?
Here's what I'm saying,
What really gets me is that it isn't up to you, to choose a life you'd want to choose.
Here's what I'm saying,
I'm tired of trying to get out of the blues,
I'm tired of running in these torn up, sad, and old shoes.

Dear My sweetie Maria,
Growing up,
isn't such a lovely cup of tea,
and girls with the grace of honey bee's,
don't always get what we hoped for,

and some may have shut the door on your corps,
but you clearly wanted more then to smell the affair in the air,
like how children always cared with every strand of hair in there body,
we say our prayers even if our minds were foggy,

Stormy weather is when I see you walking in the rain,
as if the pain will drain and you're looking to gain something too,
and if we could break threw you and your secrets,
we can help you get through all your weakness and pain.

but you've chained your life story and locked the key in your book,
and if there was a way to look I would,
I know your not understood but listen when I say,
"I'd give my happiness away any day for you to feel happy and okay,"

But Maria says "she's dying,"
though her door all I here is her crying,
and i'm fighting for this door to open up,
and Maria came out to show she didn't completely give up on herself,

but Maria isn't protecting her I'm not either,
Maria neither cares to survive or die,
Maria won't say why, or let alone goodbye,
and Maria's alive because of the pulse,

like the machine your impulse to not pull the plug,
even though they feel as worthless as bugs we **** for nothing,
because the thing about bugs,
we find them to be worthless and bugging so we pull their plugs,

Maria I don't want to pull your plug,
but Maria, you're like the bugs,
the bugs who are your friends,
but you all attend; a part in a oddball circus tightrope act.

some walked on and got claps while others fell as they failed again,
but Maria remained on the wire,
until Maria went up to higher stories in the air,
climbed a story for every story Maria never cared to tell,

Maria screamed and yelled "Are you looking up at the building?"
"I'm thinking of jumping, I'm tired of living this life,"
"I'm tired of this ******* knife, it doesn't help me,"
"I'm just tired of wanting Something,"

"I was just a girl outside, and he disgusted me,"
"he tried to drown me in this sea of lies he told and did,"
"I was a kid, I had hid this for so long thinking I did wrong,"
"I just never belonged, I'm ruined don't you see, I am worth nothing,"

"I just see nothing here, just Nothing"
"so I'm falling down here, so try and catch me, but i'm falling,"
"I Just can't see nothing,"
"here.."

Timothy,
today was supposed to be your birthday,-Dad
Timothy,
I took your place, -Maria
Timothy,
Mommy cried in the kitchen,-MaryAnne
Timothy,
Where have you been?-Mom

Timothy,
we never got to throw,-Dad
Timothy,
My life's such a waste,-Maria
Timothy,
I found your spaceship,-MaryAnne
Timothy,
Where did you go?-Mom

Timothy,
Missed your birthday,-Dad
Timothy,
Never got to use your legs,-Maria
Timothy,
Daddy says it's the farthest you've ever flown,-MaryAnne
Timothy,
I feel alone,-Mom

Timothy,
Missed your photo,-Dad
Timothy,
To walk around this whole big mess,-Maria
Timothy,
We found your spaceship,-MaryAnne
Timothy,
you're not ever going to be alone,-Mom

Timothy,
you never got to uses your head,-Dad
Timothy,
Its not what it seems,-Maria
Timothy,
Did it hurt when you hit the ground?-MaryAnne
Timothy,
I love you babe,-Mom

Timothy,
to find out what this whole world thing meant,-Dad
Timothy,
but it is,-Maria
Timothy,
Where have you been?-MaryAnne
Timothy,
Missed your photo,-Mom

Timothy,
Missed your photos,
Missed your birthday too,-Dad

Timothy,
I took your place,
Life's such a waste,-Maria

Timothy,
We found your spaceship,
Its the farthest you've ever flown,-MaryAnne

Timothy,
I cried in the kitchen to let you go,
Timothy,
Why can't you just come home?-Mom.

Molly,
you never needed to study in school,
things just came to you,
so trigonometry was easier than tools for you,

Molly,
how the boys would tease you,
how you couldn't use tools very well,
but you had your brain,
and they really did not.

Molly,
how smart were you,
trading math lessons,
for help with your mechanics,
the boys soon loved you,

Molly,
How you saved the boys,
and how they saved you,
how you were lucky to never have to fight,
side by side with them,

Molly sweet Molly,
how you cried later on about the day you had to learn to use a gun,
the reason you signed up for the navy was to never have to hold one,
but they made you hold a gun, aim, shoot, and fire down the range,
next to the boys who all had to **** it up & keep a straight upset face.

Molly sweet Molly,
how you were happy as can be,
when shooting targets,
and holding guns when away,
and never came back.

and Molly,
how you finally where done,
made your commitment to america,
and flying home on the plane in your navy uniform,
america won a fight somewhere,

so Molly,
everyone wanted to buy you,
a drink,
your first drink,
in a long while.

I am a trying to fight myself,
someone who just wants to be right,
but is always wrong,
and what I know,
and what I feel,
are conflicting things,

Because I know how he cares for me,
But I still feel ***** with him,
I still want the boy who ***** me,
to ******* call me,
Like I've been waiting for,
for over a year,

But I love this boy who treats me well,
but I feel like I can't really,
love him,
Like I can't love anyone,
because someone went and ****** me when I really didn't want to,
and they called that love too,

so what the **** do I know about love,
because i've been so blind to it all,
Love from me since the **** has just been appreciations like friends,
and I am sorry that I have hurt you like a boy hurt me sweetie,
but I can't be loved,
and I don't want you to waste your time trying,

so maybe its best if we part ways,
because everyday I feel as if i'm holding you back,
because I am afraid for anymore impact,
because I just want my life back the way it was,
before I knew what **** and abuse was,
before my PTSD unlocked all the secrets from me.

having PTSD showed me,
No sweetie making love to boys,
isn't going to make you happy,
so I can't love someone else even if I willingly want to,
Because is it fair to any boy to be loving me and have me start crying,
because I feel like there the boy who ***** me,

but I know the boy who ***** me is bad,
but I feel like he is the only one who could love,
a mess like me,
because he made the mess,

I just want to feel safe around all guys,
I just want to feel loved,
And my mind and heart,
are a battleground over what I am supposed to do,
because it's hard to move on just a little over a year after you learned,

the boy you loved who you dumped ***** you,
and how your breakup had nothing to do with the ****,
and how that makes everything harder and complicated to get,
and you just are always upset because he still never called,
and you really want that phone call,
so you can say you're sorry,

because you just want to be happy,
because even though things with him were bad,
you were happy,
and you want that back,
instead of crying over the bad thing that happened in the past,
you just want something good again.