"I'm not leaving", you comforted me.
"I'll always want to talk"
"It'll be different," I insisted
"You'll be busy with a life that doesn't include me
And I'll have to learn to live without"

The nights we stayed up talking
Four thousand miles away
The nights I kept the scraps you left so close
Until the night became day
The nights you told your secrets
And I told you my fears
The nights I felt so safe
After all of my painful years

Those nights changed me
Despite the hurt and the cursing
Those nights saved me
From the horrible mornings

I never wrote grocery lists or dates and things
I never wrote my songs on paper, or memories
I just didn’t need to
Until I met you

While in a coffee shop I would have a surprise conversation
With a homeless man from Peru, or a security guard from Miami
And after every encounter I would pull out my phone
And write about the humor of it, the pain in it, or the realization from it


I wrote down the details so at the end of the day I could tell you the stories

After you left I still wrote down the stories because I wanted to be ready for when you came back
But when it became clear that you weren't, I stopped taking notes
And so every story is tucked away in my mind, forgotten
And now the only story that lingers is the story of you and me and how we came to be

and now she's not sleeping because the threat of nightmares is always there. It used to be that after a day of distress and pain and cruelty she could look forward to dreamland where she could sleep easy. But you took that from her every time you visit her mind as she lays her head on the pillow just trying to unwind. So she pulls herself out of bed and downstairs to put another *** of coffee on and prays to God that tomorrow will be the last dawn she sees because she's ready for eternity. After everything she's seen in dreams and reality, you've pushed her to look forward to the eternal long sleep.

I missed you this holiday
I just wanted to tell you it was so rough
Time heals all wounds they say
But time ain't coming soon enough

I'm just waiting for the day
when I hear your name
and I picture
the country you're named for
before I picture
you.

I feel like I'm singing a duet and I just keep repeating the same line over and over again because my partner forgot to come in.

And I keep singing and he just won't remember.

"I never wanted to be happy. I just wanted you."

Empty to the brim
I couldn't look at him
The last the last the last time
He raised his head and breathed a sigh
And he walked away into the night

Yelling screaming into the crowd
Searching searching for a face
But he was gone into the dark's embrace

But it was a dream a dream of romance a dream of bliss
A dream just a dream explains that kiss
Cause the only way I can stop myself from going after him
It was a dream a dream of sin

ITS TAKING EVERYTHING IN ME NOT TO TAKE EVERY ONE OF THOSE LITTLE ROUND WHITE KILLERS EVERYTHING I HAVE NO HOPE ANYMORE NO WAKING UP FOR A TOMORROW WITH POSSIBILITIES I HAVE NOTHING YOU TOOK EVERYTHING WHEN YOU LEFT **EVERYTHING

"I don't want to be perfect. I want to be your perfect."

Are you killing me or saving me?
Haunting me or catching me?
Pulling me or pushing me away?

Are you killing me or saving me?
Haunting me or catching me?
Pulling me or pushing me away?

-it doesn't matter (forever yours)

When we were saying goodbye I told you I was scared
     I didn't want to go back to that dark place
You said you didn't want me to go back there either
     You said you'd been there after a breakup too

But we weren't breaking up darling, we were never together
     We were just to strangers who loved each other

“Darling, now is not a good time. I’ve been looking forward to death too much recently.”
-as she took another drag

Don't say I didn't love you
And don't say we couldn't try
Don't say you didn't treat me right
Because you always kept me from the lies

I forgot what it felt like to be wrapped up in you
I forgot for too long
So I thought I was fine and so I picked up the phone
and then you were you and I was you and we were us again
and you wrapped me up

and then you let me go

and now i can't stop shaking and i'm closing my eyes because the world is moving too fast and i just want one of our infinite moments to last

but the damage has been done. just be gone.

I hold out my hand and you kiss it
You hold out your arm and I take it
I feel your heart beat and mine races

Synchronized, bonded, infinite
For just a moment we are one and
Then the moments done

And you are gone

They can take away the songs I wrote and the story they told
They can take away the summer nights when I only had your hand to hold
They can take away the sun and the moon above
They can take away the place of our first kiss
They can take away all or any of this

But they can't take away the way you looked at me
They can't take away what I close my eyes to see
They can't take away what I know to be true
They can't take away my memory of you

It would have been six months today, if you had stayed.

You held on to me so tight that night. So why'd you let me go?

There's a dent in the pavement
and that's where (my) car automatically pulls over
because it knows that it's there, by that slight dent
where we had our (last) late night talk,
that I lay down and gaze up
I (reach) to the heavens in hope

–maybe they'll send you back (to) me
but there's a moon in the sky tonight
and it's telling me that you're alright
because while I'm gazing up at the moon
trying to grasp any essence of (you)
you're fast asleep next to someone new

Now I'll come back and see you when I'm feeling alone, but just make that promise you'll pick up the phone.

You have to stop staring at me in crowded rooms
You have to stop wearing the glasses you know I like
You have to stop leaning into me, just to pull away

because

when we're alone you treat me like a book on your shelf that you've already read
when you wear those glasses it doesn't make me want you, it makes me miss the person you were
when you lean in my heart stops and when you pull away it stops again

It was your last day, when we were driving in the car and we joked about running away.

We had so many things we wanted to do together, but now I guess it doesn't really matter.

We should have run when we had the chance, I never taught you how to dance.

"I know you love him, but he's broken you so many times. I don't know if you'll always be able to put yourself back together."

-bcg (the lesson we never quite learn)

I don't wish at 11:11 anymore, he took that from me.

I trust you more than I trust myself
But when I'm in your arms I don't know who I am and I don't know who you are and all I can think is I don't want you to ever let me go

It was a day like any other
I made coffee, you read the paper
We walked the dogs
And took a nap together

But it isn't the day itself I keep going over in my mind
It's that kiss, that very last kiss

It wasn't special
Nothing unique
Just a kiss

Like we would be doing it for the rest of our lives

And then you left.

I miss you. Not in like a I like you, let's make out kinda way. In like a I miss your presence in my life. In like a I miss holding your hand when I'm sad.  In like a I miss talking with you about everything kinda way.

I've been lying and even though it's only been in the poetry I write and the songs I sing I felt it would be right to explain the reality:

My life will go on, even though you are gone.

My heart won't stop it's rhythm in my chest and I will still wake up each morning and get dressed
I won't put myself to sleep forever before the next day this isn't Romeo and Juliet for Christ sake

But it won't be living like life's meant to be lived
And this is where my words start to be misunderstood

Everything feels colder now and the world it seems is fading to grey

I'm not dying because you're gone
I'm not living because you aren't here

You know you've been hurt when you'd rather love someone than be in love with them.