Quomodo es

Tu et ego

- Jay M
October 13th, 2022

Flores se llore, tambien los nubes y colores,
Y nuevos se brinca, ariba por el cielo.

- Jay M
October 13th, 2022

Oh to dream
Of dear friends
Whom would never,
Could never think of you
In the same way that you dare to;
Funny things are those in dreams

Funny how you dream
Of strong arms wrapped around
Holding your small torso safely
Only to awake, to find they were never there

Funny how you dream
Of being spooned gently
When it would never,
Could never come to pass

Funny how you dream
Of a delicately shared kiss
Ever so tender and sweet
Only to awaken, knowing it would never,
Could never truly be

Funny how you dream
Of being on a persons mind
Awakening to know you are wrong

In dreams, you dance and sing,
Whilst upon awakening,
You sit, remaining quiet;
How funny, how sad

In dreams you laugh, smile together,
Cherishing every little moment,
Whilst upon awakening,
You merely glance,
Faintly manage a smile,
Longing for a conversation
Even a single minute longer;
How funny, how laughable,
How pitiful are you whom dare dream

What a shame,
Dreaming about such things,
About a person whom,
More likely than not,
Sees you as a mere pest.

- Jay M
October 10th, 2022

But I see only faceless teenagers.

- Jay M
October 13th, 2022

Tethered by those whom I love,
And those whom love me
Yet, I still come undone,
The thread strained,
Awaiting the right moment to snap;
Dropping me into the great unknown.

This twine, once so strong,
Now it's wearing thin,
Where did I go wrong?

They reach out to me,
But their hands go through mine,
Through the ghost I've become...

- Jay M
March 18th, 2019

Entrance, beautifully passionate dance
Your radiant light, chords take flight
Explore in your tangling wilderness
Call out if it were your show
Grow in your brilliant glow.

- Jay M
October 14th, 2022

Pacing back and forth
Worrying what you think
Of your little girl
But the truth is
I'm not that little anymore

13, going on 14
Weeks away
I promise you
I won't take myself away

Even though I want to
So badly
I'll stick around
A bit longer
I'll fight
For the sake of fighting
Not for me
But for everybody
So let me be...

LET ME BE!

Crying my eyes out
Screaming the cry of the lonely;
"Leave me alone!"
But that
Is another way of saying;
"Show me that you care enough to stay with me.."

Take my hand
Lift me up
Where the demons can't get me
Hiding in the marrow of my bones

I'm holding on..
I'm right here...
But what does that matter
When they only see you
When you mess up?

More reasons to leave
Than to stay
Just give me a reason.
One good reason why I should listen
To the "good things" about me?

I am a tainted soul
A demon in the skin of a child
Wanting so badly for things to be okay
Better than just "okay"
To be happy...

But how
When everything around you
Leaves you,
Dies,
Hates you,
Despises you,
Doesn't know your name
But you know so much about them?

There is no good reason
Not for me
But for some reason
A purpose I have yet to classify
I remain.

I will
For as long as it takes
Until I've finally given up
Reached my breaking point
The last breaking point
When, finally,
I have no will at all
All is empty
Not a false reason
Nothing
Void of all humanity
To the point where I am but a corpse
A shell of a person I used to know well...

- Jay M
April 25th, 2019

Wooden door, wooden door
I shall enter you evermore
With weary feet or woeful mind
Your locks never hard to find
Opened by many keys, over many years
Mine of gleaming crimson red

Beyond the threshold
Into the depths of my despair
Washing over like an intoxicating wave
Slowly yet ever so surely
Knowing this is their sacred lair
Since I was but a young child
Seven years in this dismal house
Break a mirror, and of course
Hope the misfortune would be gone
Faded after seven years

But is it so,
That the misfortune had anywhere
Anywhere else to go than here?
As I pace these bleak halls
Of blank white and dust
Floor creaking upon uncertain steps
Sounds surely to fall upon
Overly critical ears
Wooden door, wooden door,
I shall pass through you evermore
Many times you’ve been slammed
Other times sheltering the world
From wars of words, of hatred
Fear and violence echo here,
Echo in the still of night
In the near silence of their slumber
But I do not sleep, I cannot dare
I lay awake, night after night
Dreamer am I, shall I always be
Grant me freedom, wooden door
Grant it to me in due time,
Oh wooden door,
Grant it to me evermore.

- Jay Martinez
September 12th, 2022

My little
Happy reason
Nothing pitiful
In this season
Running in the meadow
Just going with the flow

Little butterfly
Flying by
My closed window
Then a little show
Starts to play
In my head

One made up
Only playing for me
Some parts reality
Other parts dreams and what's up
Then it's what's down
Then it's what's right
Then it's all that's left

But hey
I've got reasons to stay
In the fields of grass and earth
Or seated by the hearth
Soaking up the warmth
From the sun or fire
Wishing it were from a person
One in particular
But that's alright
I can dream
I can dance in a moonbeam
Under the starlight
Where my soul shines bright

Sing to your heart to find you
It calls to
One such as yourself
So search for it
Not just for a bit
Search for your happy reason.

- Jay M
March 16th, 2020

Walking to fate
Door opens
Familiar face
But even so
Not all things familiar
Should be welcomed with embrace

Waiting
Discussing
Then
The new solution!?

No
Only anger
Impulses
Thoughts still uncontrollable
"Go, go.."
But that's not what they're supposed to say.

Still the same thoughts
Unchanged
Never caged
Not for long in the least

A cure?
Impossible
No such thing could be
Even if it were
Without me knowing
It would be buried
Deep inside me
Beyond that of which I cannot recall
Cast to the lowest it may go

Tears, screaming, pain,
Everything becoming dull
My reason for being made null
But still I remain
Still I drag myself along
This rugged road
Feeling so much
But nothing at all...

- Jay M
April 15th, 2019

My heart races,
As I think of my future,
Wondering what lies there.
What lies behind those eyes?

Is it fear,
Is it annoyance,
Is it pain,
Or is it something else?

In the end,
I am wondering…
What awaits me?

- Jay M
May 15th, 2018

They wished to break me
To wash away my colors
So I hid them, locked them away
Far away, away, away...

The key, I lost it somewhere
Just out of reach, so now I sit
Lay back, turn up the music
Float in the vast unknown
Into the expanse, detached
Disconnected by this antigravity

When, oh when
Shall I fall unto the ground
And be anchored in my body?
For gone, far away, away, away
Are my colors, hidden from even myself
When they shall return I do not know
Only knowing that they did go
Just out of reach, out of sight
Leaving me with nothing
To hold surely and tight
To save my soul from
This endless night.

- July 19th, 2022
Jay Martinez

Hate me
My visage and soul
Break me
My heart in pieces
Then save me.

- Jay M
March 25th, 2019

Slowly
It's taking over me
Enticing, it's hypnotic
Sweet summer kisses
Fireflies and gleaming stars
Steady flames, silly little games

Can you feel me now?
Do you feel me now?
Hold me close in the dark
Hearts beating so close
It calls, they call, they beckon
"Come closer, closer now"
Enthralled, I breathe you in
Your scent alluring, I'd swear
It's like my personal drug
And oh, I'm addicted

In my sleep,
You've got me tossing and turning
Conflicted schedules, here and there
Like a tug on my melodic heart
I reckon it only grows fonder
Even if the days are sour and gross
A call from you, and it's all sugar,
Baby you've got me on a high

Sure know how to leave your mark
On my mind all the time
Unlike old hits and misses
Boy you never miss a beat
Memories in picture frames
Never gonna collect dust,
I know it, we'll see
Replay until we rest
Exhausted, side by side
Let's just be.

- Jay M
June 20th, 2022

He’s coming.
Rage, hate, steaming,
Hunting you down,
As though you were prey,
Though you thought you knew,
You were wrong,
We all were...
Danger, that’s what it is,
He is.

Think you have the upper hand?
Wrong.
He will never be satisfied,
Not unless it’s his way,
Its way or no way,
Run away,
If you can.

Hope he doesn’t follow you,
I’ll protect you,
Hide you away,
"Just leave us be!"
Would be my plee,
But I doubt it would listen
Danger;
Like a hurricane of devastation,
Destroying all in its path,
Get away if you can,
Run from Danger.

- Jay M
September 11th, 2018

Fed the scraps
Accepting the slight
Mere ways things
Were better than before
But obsession isn't love
"I love you" isn't an apology
Ideas and imaginations aren't love

Actions speak louder than words
I hoped for acceptance, you gave me
Regurgitated words and thoughts
I hoped for simpler times
You gave me conflicts
And a new part
In my endless
Cycle of this
Pain

It was set up, but I was never warned
Dove into the water head first
Didn't stop to think, not even once
We both wanted happiness,
Neither of us truly are
You may not understand
I didn't either, not at first
But obsession isn't love
"I love you" isn't an apology
Ideas and imagination aren't love

When I saw the flags
Bright scarlet, waving
I ignored them, set them aside
Right in front of me, didn't hide
The facts hit me like waves
But I wouldn't face the truth

I was in love with a fairytale
The idea of you, just as you
Are obsessed with the idea of me
So much so that after a breakup
You mourned louder than a baby
For days and nights, you grieved
Inconsolable, nearly sent away
Nearly sent away, all because;
Obsession isn't love,
"I love you" isn't an apology
Ideas and imagination aren't love
And regurgitating more than simply thoughts
Shouldn't have even happened,
Nor should we have gotten back together

What can I do, what can I say?
There's a line between healthy
And prodding concern
There's a line between love
And deep rooted obsession
There's a line between odd
And perverse collections
There's a line between us
That neither wanted to see
But it's there, it's clear
But lines are often ignored,
Or well worn and misunderstood

Neither wants to face the truth
Surely none moreso than you
But this is all that I can do
So just as predicted,
It's time to see this through;
The story of me and you
Should end here
Not tomorrow,
Not next week;
Now, when you're done
Reading these last few words.

- Jay M
August 26th, 2022

Birds chirping overhead
Songs echoing in beauty
A different type of speech
Nonspecific, yet still so
An impossible possibility

A black and white photograph
Stirring memories
The dust inhaled
Coughing fit
Just like
That day
Years ago

Every little sight
Sound
Texture
Scent
Taste
Brings it about
And back into the light

Relive the good ol' days
The magic
When you were young
Didn't know much
Or knew too much

That summer
Way back when
Under the tree
On top of the hill
When we were kids
But that was then
But please
Take me back to when
We were kids
Just some good ol' nostalgia

- Jay M
September 3rd, 2019

How do you love someone,
Without getting hurt?
How can you feel so much,
Yet nothing at all?
How do love someone
With a broken heart?
I've been asking myself for a while,
Never been so lost,
Hopeless, but not dreamless,
Nightmares and dreams,
Both cloud my mind,
Thoughts rushing like rivers,
Tears, invisible but there...

Drip

Drop

The poison won't stop,
Black as my tainted soul,
Struggling to survive.

- Jay M
November 2nd, 2018

Rising in the morning
Curtain swaying
By & by
Then he's saying,

"Yeah, I know today's gonna
Be a little hard,
But you can make it through.
You can make it through."

Sitting 'round noon now
And he sees her goin'
By & by
Then he's saying,

"Yeah, I know today's gonna
Be a little hard,
But you can make it through.
You can make it through."

- Jay M
September 17th, 2019

There are some days
When I wake up
And feel

N o t h i n g

Even the sun's rays
Cannot touch the cup
That lies in my mind
Waiting for me to find
Something real

Take a step, when I land my heel
Each time it touches the earth below me
Something calls my attention
Like the buzzing of a bee
As I look about I notice tension
All throughout my body
Fear courses through my veins
And is embodied in sound
Footsteps echoing upon the ground
Reminders of great pains
Slipping through my fingers again like grains
To pour down like powerful rains
From an unforgettable storm

Sit by the fire
Keeping me warm
Cut the wire
Sever it, block it out
To no avail
Error, fail
Cannot shake it
Louder than any shout
Not one bit

Smother the screams
Throw on a smile
Don't let the darkness bleed through
Hold your tongue
Not all is as it seems
Walk about a mile
Understand what you thought you knew
Remember that song they sung
Those pretty little liars in your head
How they would fill you with dread
Well, they're all in your head
So don't give them a voice
Shut them up
And put on a smile
Act like they didn't spill that pretty little cup
The oasis in your head
Is simply that
So wear a waterproof hat

Atomic seconds to seconds
Seconds to minutes
Minutes to hours
Hours to days
Days to weeks
Weeks to months
Months to years
Years to decades
Decades to centuries
Centuries to millennium
Going eventually to eternity
But the reality of it is;
All that's passed is a few minutes

Not all is as it seems
Maybe Poe had it right;
Maybe all we see or seem,
Is but a dream within a dream

Reality is whatever we shape it to be for ourselves
Some feel the have lost that control
To shape their reality
When the answer is right in front of them
Day after day;
You

You shape your own reality
So long as it follows all of the rules, of course
That bind together our lovely little world
Ridden with horror and beauty alike
Only time can help reveal which is which
And what is real or false
A picture or what's true.

- Jay M
April 20th, 2020