Maybe when we kissed
I swallowed your tongue
And thats why you
Cant speak

A commoners cries
To the winning king
After trading sides
Your praises theyll sing
The underdog
Gets the bone
Until the bone doesnt get you far
Great dictators have never stolen with force
They just know who their audience are

******* IT
I cant forgive you
I cant forgive her
And i cant love you
At all
My mother warned me
And god i knew
she was right
I tried to think
youd changed
Tried to
Believe youd
Moved on
But
****
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ******* IT ****
All i can think
Is
Im giving myself
away
To someone
Who will
Never
I mean
NEVER
Be mine.
Its almost spring.
And maybe the earth
Isnt the only thing
That needs
to be
New

This word
Dancing
On my tongue
Is scarier
Than
Any monster
That could
Crawl
Around
At night
Poking at my throat
My tear glands swelling up
This feeling
This word
Its love
Slashing
At my heart
Im terrified
Of what
I may do

I bet your personality
Can fit between your *******
I can find your smile
Drooling between your legs
Show me how you dance
Sitting on my lap
Your laughter is contagious
Your moans are a thunder clap

Carnivorous and hungry
Can you handle me
I dont know what
This night will be

Tell me about your family
While i pull your hair
Is this your favorite band?
What else will you share?
Be my barbie doll
Be my sweet ****
**** me with love
Ill just take the ****

I dont remember
Feeling my skin
So much

It used
To just
Be there

Maybe
It just
Reacts

To
You

It never used to do
This

Goosebumps
Shocks
Tingling spine

All appear
When you say
"Youre mine."

Innocent corners
Boring nooks

Nothing happens
Unless you look

My way

Its taken me this long
To realize
To understand
That not every moment
Needs to be shared
To be great

But it might be better
If it were
Because great moments
Alone
Are still
Never as great

Im so independent
I dont need anyone
For anything
But i want someone
For everything.

My feet long to walk
Until i reach the ocean
Where only a boat
Might take me further

My old habits
Catch me
By the hair

I
Feel
Like running
Away

This night is cold
Colder than anything
But maybe if you
Were warmer

Id Actually
Want
To
Stay

No
No
No

I cant
Blame
You

Its me.
It has always
Been me.

Im afraid of words
Because i live
In their power

Love
Holds far
Too much
Pain

If i could live by the ocean
Maybe
Maybe id stay

Ive been chewing my bottom lip
Wishing it was yours
Maybe then
I wouldnt bleed
So much

Clipping my fingernails
Down to the nub
Because i want
To paint them black

I cant quit tearing
Out pages
And pages
Of poems

Because
Every
Single
Word
Is all about you

Control freak
to
control freak
This will be a duel
Your hand
in
my hair
Using me as your tool

Youll tell me
What to do
Ill manipulate
The scene
Youll be
the cruel master
But youll never
Be mean

I can play
the kitten
Harmless
Just wanting
to play
And then youll
Lose control
From the ***** things
I say

I wish i could decipher
Chemical desires
Do i want your heart
Or is my chest a liar

I can hold your hand
And it just feels warm
Your lips dont have
Me feeling torn

But you can say some
Dorky line
Or you can
Look me in the eye

And you can bet
I cant feel anything
But the clogging of my throat
And my heart fluttering

Ill brush you off
Our of self preservation
I dont know how to feel
Without emmense reservation

Adrenaline
And
Shaky hands
And i guess im not so good.

Im insecure
But you want more
And
I dont know what i can give.

You dont care
About my flaws
You
Have
A goal
In mind

Easy come
Easy go
Im afraid
Thats
Exactly
What
Youll
Do.

Mean ole mister
Never loved no one
Held his heart on his belt
Right next to his gun
Spat tobacco
On the blood red dirt
Didnt give a ****
Who the hell he hurt
Cant call mommy
When the pen fails the sword
Cant run to daddy
With no apologetic word
Give me a hand
Ill give you an arm
Take away my eyes
And your's'll come to harm
Mean ole mister
Knows what he does
Just getting by
Anyway he must
He learned that momma
Dont give a ****
He learned that daddy
Likes his mean hand
Youve gotta be tough
Hold up your own
Youve got to make sure
Through out life youve grown
Mean ole mister
Might make you cry
But mean ole mister
Sure as hell knows why

Watching your face fall
Like a brick
On concrete
Floors
Seeing you stand tall
When i can tell
You feel
So torn
Maybe im not yours
Because youve never
Ever
Been
Mine
Maybe i wont commit
Because
I see you
Looking
Behind
Youll talk big
About how far
Ahead youve
Moved
But youll still
notice her
In the
Most
crowded
Room

Listening to music
i hear a person
i hear a song
about a love
ive never known.

i see eyes that dont exist
and arms ive never felt
i hear goodbyes that have never hurt me
and maybe
never
will

1.
Lips
Hold my hips
Losing grip
And if your hand
slips
I wont
Complain.

2.
Eyes
Social ties
Alabis
Darkerlies
Matching
the darkness
Of your eyes

3.
Hands
Hear the bands
Making us dance
And sing
Together
Roaming, finding
Break the wall dividing
Touching
Until
Wevare
Numb

4.
Thighs
Drawing eyes
Revealing lies
Holding
Virtue.
Fingers graze
Mind in a haze
The final
Step
Is

5.

Can you remember
like i can?
Can you
surrender
your upper hand?
Can you hold back
your time sand
in hopes
we can
return...

Back
to joy
and secrets
and trust,
Back
before we
were filled
with lust.
Maybe
we can
burn.

memories haunting me
holding
the melody
of our voices
singing
in sync

our souls
screaming out
wishing
we hadnt
missed out
before
we knew
too much.

Sadly
Metaphysical
And
Magical
Are not the same thing
So holding that lapiz
Too tightly in my right hand
Did not
Make me
Feel calm

Where did she go?
That little girl
That pretty girl
Who so badly
Wanted to sing

Dont you know...
You still can!

But youll sit
And listen to other voices
And never feel worth a dime

And maybe some days
Youll feel pretty
But youll just see a more beautiful
Face

Youll crawl back to your cave
Of insecurities and wonder
"How did i get this way?!"

And youll be more upset with yourself
For feeling this way
Than you will
With the life that made you.

Stringy hair
Sunken eyes
Greasy teeth
Rotten lies
Sweat soaked nightmare
Fueled with gore
Clenching teeth
Weak and sore
My mind holds this
An abominable leech
Perverting beauty
In all it sees
Polluting love
To twisted hate
Making resentment
Smear every mate
I cant look at you
Without seeing a ghoul
I dont see a goddess
I see a fool
Everyone around me
Sees the brighter side
I cant help but see
What the smiles hide

Boy I hope you find a God
In everything you do
I hope you learn
Theres something worth praying to

Whether you worship in a chapel
Or in the sheets of your bedroom
Be it Nature you find Holy
Or a woman of artistic Virtue

I hope you find peace
In the mouth of a Tigers cage
I hope you fall to your knees
Over something lovely one day

Whether you find a God
In a tornados twista and bends
Or you hear a prayer
Where the red, dirt road ends

I hope you fall in love
With all the little things
I hope you see the world
And hear the song it sings

And pray every night
To the moon and the stars
Find your God in forests
Or driving fast, red cars

How can you trust me
When im not even
One
Single
Person

I hold to many peices
In one skeleton
To know where im going
Or who i am

Hell
I dont even know my name some days

And youve decided you love me??

I think youre stupid.

I think you have some sick need
To love someone
To have someone
To say to yourself that you know how to love
And that youre loved in return.

But youre wrong.
You dont love me.
You done even know what that word means.
Dont spout out these things without even understanding the weight of what you say.

Dont expect me to say i love you
Just to ******* ease your mind.
Love is not a sympathy
It is not a charity drive.
You do not say it
Unless you
****
Well
Mean it.

So hold your **** tongue
And you know ill hold mine.

When im home alone
I like to walk outside
In the middle of the yard
And hear everything

Theres so much to see
To hear
When no one
Is there to speak.

I hear poetry
In the christmas carols
Ringing from the houses
All around me

From the train
Roaring away
Just down the street
From my small existence

The baseball feild
Is illuminated
And the cheers ring
Over the line of trees

And everything
Around me
Is so
Alive

How can i dare
To believe im anything
Next to this universe
Of noise and life

You hold too many firsts
To be Just a Friend
I will never get the image
Out
Of
My
Mind

You didnt take my virginity
But **** did you almost
And god i hate myself for it

And i cant feel at ease around you
I dont know what your thinking
I just want to be done
I wish it had never happened
So we could just be friends

I think im nostalgic for life
Through music
And books
Because i havent lived
A day of my life

No one really lives
In this town

And i think im poetic
Because im homeless
But i live in a house
But im not
Im not poetic
Im just a brat

Ive never had anything
Worth breaking my heart
And dont you know
That breaks it
All the more

Tea has never tasted
So **** bitter
No amount of
Sugar
Or
Honey
Can drive out
This harsh
Biting taste
That will forever be on my tongue
Because
Of
You

Wrapped in your scent
I think of then
I think what could have been
If i had felt something more
If loving people wasnt a chore
I wish i could do more
We
Could have done more
But oh
Love is a bore

No

Love is fire
We were rain
Love was never
Part of our game
Your name
It sends chills down my spine
And no
Not the good kind

We were wet
Sloppy
Gross
And you loved the most
I was new to this feeling of comfort
Comfort
Was it comfort?
Was it comfort that kept me up at night
Wondering if my head was alright
Wondering if i was holding you tight
Enough?
Because you never seemed ok
With my selfish
Distant ways
And i never knew what to say
To do
How to act

But today
Holding your essence
In the naked palm
Of my hand
I felt that slighy
Small
Maybe

We could have been something someday

These poems smell like flowers
And your name smells like death
You pervade my paper
You ruin my mind

This music tastes so ******
Im not usually this sad
What do i even write about you
Nothing.

Youre no good
You taste like iron in my mouth
You dont even know who you are
You wouldnt guess it for the world

My sensitive teeth cant take
the feel of you grinding my jaw
into dust
My bones are just ash and dirt

This tune was happy
And i loved it so much
But now it too holds too much
Bitterness

I can drink black coffee
And not be as taken back
As when tasting
You

I cant sleep
With all of you on my brain

And i cant see straight
Because im blinded by disappointment

Am i a sycophant?
Is that two faced?
To agree just to make you feel ok?

Maybe im just tired
Yet i cant sleep

This is the first time
In a long time

That my brain
Just wont calm down

Oh god its back
The hate is back

Its bitter like
This harsh winter air

Everything normal
In the worst way

I hate myself
Again

I need you to be here
Youre the only one

Everyone else *****
And i miss you alot

And no one will
Know what this
Is about

The track is
Sk-
I-
Pin-
Ski-
Ski-
Ski-
Skipping
Like the thoughts in my brain
And the flat line sounds like my heart

Not suicidally
Or accidentally
But in the sense
Of noteriety

I dont want
Anyone knowing me
Or the awful human
I used to be

I want to start fresh
Do good for the world
Start charitable organizations
And be the angels herald

Even my own father
Calls me devlish now
So maybe its time
To five a final bow

Ill exit the stage
And sink from sinful fame
Ill do what i want
With no title or name

And how freeing itll be
To not look after you
To not reassure
Every ****** thing you do

And i wont tell a lie
Not even for my own good
And if you think me cold hearted
You clearly misunderstood

I wont pity petty people
I wont try and hold your hand
When all you want to do
Is fight the quick sand

Youre sinking faster
Than i can keep up
So im done going down
With a ship thats far sunk

So yes i want to die
Im exhausted from this
Life is miserable
When your boots are all i kiss

So im starting over fresh
Born again as a fresh new babe
And i hope this world is kinder
Than when i was first made

Begging you to love me
Choosing to never love you

There is no muse
Like that of false love

Inspirational in all
Its harsh ways

So then
What am i to write about?

I could pretend
I loved you for a minute

And find something
In that lie

But poetry is honest.
You are not.

I havent traveled
Or seen the harshness of the world

All i know is i have this pen
And an urge to say something

Im not good at metaphors
Or complicated lines

Straight forward honest writing
About nothing, nothing at all.

No matter how i delude myself
How many distractions
I cant get away

My mind is screaming terrible
Awful nasty things
And im locked inside

I used to not be this way
I was happy at one point
Now ill do anything
To stop it

If i give myself away
Its because your
gross sounds
Sound better than nothing at all

If i talk on a bad day
Its because im
Losing sense
And control

I need noise on the outside
To reasure my brain
That it wont fall apart
That maybe im still sane

And ill tell everyone im better
When in fact
Ive never been worse

I cant shake these voices
Its like im carrying
Some brutal curse

I spend 3-4 hours a day watching a man swim laps
Back
And
Forth
Back
And
Forth
And then im called to
The hospital
To see my Pappa
And im watching the same thing.
A man going
Back
And
Forth
Back
And
Forth
Dying
Going round in circles.
Dying
Dying
**Dying

And just like a lightswitch
Im over it. Over you.

**** its so cold
But its colder
In the palm
Of my hand

I guess thats why
You stopped holding it
Or maybe its because
I told you to

And my hair hangs
Like curtains
Hiding the room
The family hides from guests

Filled to bursting
With so much ****
All of it stupid
Useless

Im the room
Standing on wobbly
Foundation
With mold creeping in the basement

******* this white noise
Its so loud that i cant hear
My fathers disappointment
With my failing grades

Failing
Everyone
As
Usual

I just want to be alone
But then im alone
And i want to be anywhere else
With someone new

And the sun is setting
Behind the silhouette
Of tall, dead trees
In the yard

Dead
Its all dead
Its wilting
Falling

And you can see it
Im everything they do
The people are the trees
Lack luster, thin, old

How are we dead
Before weve had
The chance to live
God ****** how

Tackles and heartache
Concessions and new take
These nights have
Become a race
For who can cry
The fastest
A contest
Where everyone
Loses
Life doesnt know winners
Life doesnt know victory
Because in the end
Death will beat
Us all

If i look in your eyes
And flick you a smile
I can drive you crazy
For a little while

If i touch your arm
And lightly say your name
Youll manage to forget
That this is just a game

I can walk past you
Making you drool
Without even a word
Youll act like a tool

And maybe im cruel
But its just so **** easy
To collect disciples
By acting a little sleasy

I cant help that you follow
Wherever i lead
My little puppy dog
You do what i heed

And if you stray
Ill tug at your rope
Then ill push you away
Til you come back begging for hope

Maybe youll read this
And finally run away
Or maybe it will be me
Making you stay

Dont think im naive
I know what i do
I know how tightly
Ive a hold on you

******* Brain
Severed Membrane
Sharing the blame
Taking back my name

Im over it
So done with it
Tired of holding you
When you get hit

Youre cold and
Ignorant
Yet somehow
Burnt out

youre lying down
like a dog
in the dirt

holding your head
like a child
youre hurt

and i cant be there
to cradle your pity
i cant hold on
while you run

Youll drag me down
If i feel sorry for you
Ill be afraid to leave
Ill be afraid id break you

and maybe i will
maybe youll shatter
maybe you just need
to rebuild

Were i to die
And fill the ground
Would you somberly
Gather round

Would you claim to have love
My hair and eyes
And give your conciense
Some alibi

Would you tell my mother
We were close friends?
Would you tell my father
You knew me back when?

Would you even know
Who belonged to the name
Lining the paper
On that inevitable day

Would you **** your head
Shouting "Oh Yeah!"
Finding you knew me
Before i was dead

Im ok with that
I dont expect you to know
Done lie to my family
Dont act like you know

Few people are entitled
To claim me as a friend
Few people know me
Or where ive been

Dont think it polite
To say it was sad
Dont say im in heaven
It would make me quite mad

My friends will say
With a laugh that ive known
"That ***** is in hell,
Shes taken back her throne."

I hope they wont cry
But i know they will
Theyre a bunch of babies
And i would miss them still

Just whenever i die
When that day comes
I want life to go on
I dont want life to be numb

I know people love me
I wont deny that
So i hope that they move on
Ill be happy with that

Tackles and heartache
Concessions and new take
These nights have
Become a race
For who can cry
The fastest
A contest
Where everyone
Loses
Life doesnt know winners
Life doesnt know victory
Because in the end
Death will beat
Us all

Im sick

I have been
for a long time
My stomach
Has never felt right

My mind
has never settled
My nerves
Always jumbled

In sore heaps
My bones lie dry
Beneath a tarp
Of scarred skin

Maybe sick is
the wrong word

Im wrong

Everything about me
Falls into the wrong place
Nothing matches up
On my disorganized face

Im physically uncomfortable
In my own skin
I want to rip it off
And regrow it again

Maybe the problem
Is in who ive made myself
Maybe i dislike
What ive portraited to everyone else

So maybe i should try
And take apart my mind
And regrow my very being
From my center. From inside.

Everything about me
Is someone else

My lips are my mom's
My eyes are my dad's

My clothes are my cousins'
My laugh is the sky's

I can't even lay claim
To my own cries

If its not someone else's
Its void of a name

My shaky hands
belong to no one

My pale skin
Knows no other touch

If i claimed it ever
It was stolen away

I lose myself more
Every single day

Oh God how this sweater hangs on me
Its my mothers
Just like my lips

And these bruises on my eyes?
They sting from the hours
looking at your face

My hands still shake
every hour
second
of the day

theyre cold
frozen
stuck in this hesitant state of urges to do but lack of execution

like i lack the execution to kiss you
when you lean in to whisper
whatever it is you say

I cant even eat
because my mind is too
wrapped on everything else

like how i need to write in my book
or loook at colleges
or join a club

but i just sit there
just sit there overwhelmed
hard to breathe

i still havent even looked at my report card
i made A's & B's
i know because i can go to the pizza party

but i cant eat pizza
because im thinking of everything
every god ****** trivial thing

and im so stressed
so overwhelmed
and that trip to Germany

I want to go so bad
but we cant afford the $3000 dollars i need.
$3000 dollars that could go towards college

******* college
i want to go but no here
not locallly in Tennessee

i want to leave Tennessee
I want to be anywhere else
nothing happens here

not in **** **** no where
Columbia Tennessee
Forget us town USA

Its Cold
Colder than you
such a sudden shift in your eyes

It was warm and golden
now all the color is draining away
for winter