Have you ever held someone for the last time?

But not physically.

Have you held the thoughts, the memories, the love, the pain, the vulnerabilities, the pictures, the songs, the texts and secrets of someone for the very last time..?



I have.





Have you ever told a lie that held some truth?

But not completely mean it.

Have you ever told someone that you're okay, when you're depressed, miserable, and completely torn apart. But yet in some twisted, and sick way you are okay. Because unhappiness is all you've ever known...?



I have.






Have you ever broken someones heart?

But didn't regret it.

Have you ever put your heart on the line for someone you value above and over anyone and anything in this world, but broke your own heart in the process because what was best for them, wasn't best for you..?



I have.



Have you ever wanted to just not feel anymore?

But you're in love with pain.

Have you ever just wanted to take a bottle of pills, or walk out in front of a moving car just because, life is too hard. You don't want to be alive anymore but yet, in all the chaos, you find peace in your misery because out of everything that never stays. Out of everything that changes and altars, it's always been there for you. To wrap you up in a blanket of depression and tuck a pillow of anxiety under your head. While singing a song of your worst fears as you close your eyes and drift into a second reality filled with the monsters in your head.

I have.


Have you ever fallen in love..?

But not in reality.

Have you ever fallen in love with the imagination of something that you know you'll never reach, touch, hold, find, or ever see. Have you ever fallen in love with the pictures the demons in your head paint? Have you ever written down how you feel into a million tiny words then set fire to them and watch them go up in smoke much like your efforts, and possibly entire life..?

I have.

Recently I've noticed, that the world's skin deep. We've stopped looking past our features, and started scanning from head to feet. Closed minds don't matter, when your legs are open wide. Just like a personality is worthless, when you only want physically inside. We say we want to find love, but only indulge ourselves in lust. Just  to wind up brokenhearted, and wondering who we can trust.

Rewind two years to the time that we met. You always use to tell me that was a day you would never forget. Now I'm sitting here waiting for you to answer my texts. But I got back burner status when I became just an ex. We went from best friends to strangers in just one day.. I keep begging you to come back, but you keep drifting away. And it's not okay. I'm not okay. I remember taking pictures like it was just yesterday. And you said you would stay. So please tell me why you're not here babe. Sorry that's wrong of me to call you. It's just habit I guess. Who would of known loves like a bullet to the chest. But you're already talking about how you're on to the next? And how you love her, and you need her, and she don't make you stress. But you know you only want whats under her dress. Cause nothing can replace the kind of love we had. And I know deep in your soul this is driving you mad. So please come back. Just please, come back.

I'm sorry, that I can't relate to picture perfect or the happily ever afters in fairy tales. I'm sorry that I always get stains on my brand new white shirts, and when I color I can never quite seem to stay within the lines. I'm sorry whenever I hear the word magic, it reminds me of my first heartbreak. Because magic is just a series of illusions, and anything I've ever loved has turned out to be one big magic show. So forgive me when your innocent lips spill the words, "I love you", and all I see is a rabbit being pulled out of a hat to stimulate my heart beats to quicken as if to simulate the applause of a crowd. And when I say I will break you I do not mean you are an un-boiled egg in the jaws of a lion, no. I mean you are the Titanic and you are full of beauty, potential, and confidence. And as you glide along my icy hearts surface you will eventually hit an iceberg that will tear you apart. Leaving you with nothing but splinters of who you once were. I'm the darkness that lingers in your light. I'm the shadow that's constantly there but only occasionally seen. I'm evil, but I don't want to be. I don't want to be what I am but I can't change. I love you. And it is because I love you that I want you to take a magnifying glass to the windows of my soul. I want you to see the tainted parts of who I am and come to hate it, hate me. To watch you put out the torch you carried for me and light a new one for someone else will sting more than 1,000 cuts from a red hot blade. But in this agony I will find peace because, true love is about protecting that person. And in this case my dear harmless dove. I must protect you, from myself.

Does it hurt? Your chest? At night when the lights go out, and the silence creeps in. Do you remember me? Do you rememeber my touch on your skin, my lips pressed to yours? Do you long for me in your sheets once more? Do you? Or have you let another women trace over me. Have you erased the feeling of my lips with the kiss of another. Have you baptized yourself in the screams of a blonde haired beauty as she calls out your name so you can't hear the sobbing in my voice wailing for your love.

Can you see me, Love? When you shut your eyes, do you see my face, long for my embrace, wish you could forget what I meant to you. But what did I mean to you? Did it break your heart to watch me beg for you to stay. How long have you been okay with the thought of losing me. When did your heart forget our love, when did you stop wanting my touch, when did I become someone you could let go. And I know you're never coming back. I just haven't found away to accept t hat. How do I accept that?

Tell me your secret to falling out of love. I'd rip my heart from its cage if you told me it'd ease the pain. Anything to numb the feeling of knowing you're leaving. Soul searching for your soul in the eyes of another. But I don't see you, I don't see you, I just want to feel you. When his lips touched mine, it didn't jumpstart my heart. You've left every aspect of life drenched with your being. I see you in everything. You're haunting me, and taunting me. But it's all in my head, right? Just wake me up. I don't like this nightmare anymore, I'm over it. Just hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay. Tell me you're going to stay.

Even though I see your hearts checked out, leaving in a taxi cab to some new girls pad, this isn't home anymore. The elephant in the room is me. Losing sleep over a guy who doens't want me, but the whole world wants me, just not you. And I don't know what to do. I just keep falling back to you. Lost in a maze of pain, screaming your name, but it'll never be the same again. I just want it all to end. If I don't have you, I have nothing. Nothing worse surviving for. Not anymore, not without you, my Love.

Will I ever outgrow this constant state of failure. This so called Karma, or "bad luck" that seems to haunt every path I tread. Like a shadow, it's presence is constantly there, just not always visible. Will I ever be seen as perfect? What defines perfection, what makes one perfect, how do you obtain this title, and how do you keep it. How can I become anything besides myself.

Baby blame it all on me. I'll take your pain, I'll set you free.
I don't care about the facts, just pin it all upon my back.

We can stay up and fight all night, I'll say I'm sorry, turn out the light.
And then I'll cry until I can't, but I'll take credit for the rants.

I'm the **** up, I'm the problem, and I'm sorry that I can't solve em.
But I'll try, and I'll say. That's it's alright, you're okay.

It wasn't you, it's just me. I'm the problem, can't you see?
So then you'll blame it all on me.

But I'll take your pain, if it'll set you free.
So I let you blame it all on me.

In first grade you accused me of having a stutter, just because I couldn't speak as fast as the others. So I studied really hard, and now I speak just fine. But in third grade that didn't matter, cause you'd made me a sign. You labeled me something, now it's stuck in my head. Along with all the other names and mean things that you've said. In fifth grade I didn't try out, for the cheer leading team. You said I was too fat and that I couldn't fit my jeans. Seventh grade came around, and I was slim as a stick. I didn't eat much anymore, so you labeled me an anorexic *****. Each day that went by, I got more and more depressed. Until one day I decided to just not get dressed. I slept all morning, and woke up that night. Then for hours with my thoughts I did endlessly fight. Ninth grade crept up, there was a huge school dance. You knew who I liked and said I didn't have a chance. Everything you said, I eventually believed, until that one day senior year, I saw what most didn't see. I saw your father hit you, I found out your mother had died, I watched you run into the bathroom with tears in your eyes. I found out you were failing, and heard your boyfriend had cheated. And it was right then and there that your spell I defeated. It was the end of senior year, and I knew I wasn't the problem. I had been living to please you, and you pinned me at the bottom. You had the issues, you were in pain. But I'm my own person, and that you can't change. You brought people down, because your ship was sinking. But I've abandoned ship, from now on I'll do my own thinking. I'm not stupid, or fat, and I didn't have a stutter. I'm not ugly or worthless, and my crush said we're perfect for each other. I'm following my heart, I'm chasing my dreams, and from this day forward. I'm living for me.

The lights were dim, casting a faint shadow over your rounded lips.
You placed your hand on the table, and with the gentlest of eyes you peered into the very depths of my being. My fingers intertwined with yours, and my cheeks tugged at the edges of my lips as I tried to fight back a overly idiotic smile. I lifted my eyes and looked right back into yours, as though they were but a window into the things of your past, but I merely closed the curtains. For all that mattered in that moment was the heat I felt sinking into my skin from your hand holding mine. All that mattered was the way your eyes glistened in the faded lights, and the way your lips seemed to be taunting me to kiss them. I don't know the definition of perfect, and I know nothing in life is. But I do know that happiness is very real, and I was so genuinely, and confidently, happy. You then drove me home, oh how I wished the miles could of drug on forever. Stealing glances of your picture perfect portrait as you had your eyes on the road. But my favorite was attempting to steal a glance only to find you already looking at me. It wasn't love, no, not yet. But it was the kind of happiness you search a lifetime for, and when you find it, your life kind of just feels, complete. I wanted to kiss you, but I'm glad I didn't. As I watched you casually walk back to your truck, I held my breath to keep myself from calling out your name. You see, just because in your book, everything is going smoothly like a fairy tale. You're not the author of the other persons novel, and to you, my handsome prince. To you I was merely apart of your introduction. See you hadn't even wrote your first chapter yet, and I had thought we were writing the last one of our pages, together. But you, you wanted to be;

on your own.

We're free as a nation,
yet slaves as a people.
Not physically abusive,
but this mental thing is real.

Living on the fantasy
"Everything will be okay,
pain can't last forever
eventually it'll go away."

Promises mean nothing.
I'm sorry; just a phrase.
Your actions are predictable.
I'm tired of these games.


Just let it End.

The lies and deceit had me crying in defeat.
Pain surges through, why'd it have to be true?

You've loved her since you saw her, and you've wanted her but now.
You've played me, betrayed me, and left me lying on the ground.

****.

I didn't see this coming, my hearts broke, I feel like nothing.
My thoughts are all in a blur, and all for what?

Just *******, Her.

ME -

"I'm okay" I try to reassure myself. "I will be okay," then I glance at the clock.


It's 3 am, and here I am once again. Sitting on the floor with tears in my eyes, remembering when you told me you weren't like all the other guys. And you weren't. You were worse, you did things they could never do. Like actually making me fall in genuine love with you.


"He'll come back" I whisper under my breath. "He promised."


You told me your secrets, and you held me to your chest. You'd wipe the teardrops from my cheeks, you made me feel blessed. You'd look me in the eyes and whisper I love you. Oh how badly I wish, I'd never believed, the beautiful lies you spoke to me.

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3:09 Read

... Typing ...



HIM -

"This clingy ***** again?" He mumbles to himself.

It's 3 am, and I just got this text. It's another ******* rant, from another crazy ex. I aint tryna fall in love, I aint tryna settle down, but here's my deepest apologies for ******* around. I wanna be alone, but I don't like being lonely. And I can't get my fix from my bro's and my homies.

"Well ****, she was loyal, and she was always there. Maybe I do actually care..?"

Look I aint mean to break your heart, I'm sorry bout that. I know it means nothing but here are the facts. I'm genuinely sorry, and I really want you back.

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