jewel May 26
ME -

"I'm okay" I try to reassure myself. "I will be okay," then I glance at the clock.


It's 3 am, and here I am once again. Sitting on the floor with tears in my eyes, remembering when you told me you weren't like all the other guys. And you weren't. You were worse, you did things they could never do. Like actually making me fall in genuine love with you.


"He'll come back" I whisper under my breath. "He promised."


You told me your secrets, and you held me to your chest. You'd wipe the teardrops from my cheeks, you made me feel blessed. You'd look me in the eyes and whisper I love you. Oh how badly I wish, I'd never believed, the beautiful lies you spoke to me.

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... Typing ...



HIM -

"This clingy bitch again?" He mumbles to himself.

It's 3 am, and I just got this text. It's another fucking rant, from another crazy ex. I aint tryna fall in love, I aint tryna settle down, but here's my deepest apologies for fucking around. I wanna be alone, but I don't like being lonely. And I can't get my fix from my bro's and my homies.

"Well fuck, she was loyal, and she was always there. Maybe I do actually care..?"

Look I aint mean to break your heart, I'm sorry bout that. I know it means nothing but here are the facts. I'm genuinely sorry, and I really want you back.

Send



I'm sorry but the number you're trying to reach is no longer accepting messages from you



You're too late.
This is just me having a conversation with my ex in my head. I loved him so much but if he ever comes back it'll be too late. Because I've waited for months and he hasn't come back. It's time for me to finally move on.
jewel Mar 1
We're free as a nation,
yet slaves as a people.
Not physically abusive,
but this mental thing is real.

Living on the fantasy
"Everything will be okay,
pain can't last forever
eventually it'll go away."

Promises mean nothing.
I'm sorry; just a phrase.
Your actions are predictable.
I'm tired of these games.


Just let it End.
jewel Feb 20
Have you ever held someone for the last time?

But not physically.

Have you held the thoughts, the memories, the love, the pain, the vulnerabilities, the pictures, the songs, the texts and secrets of someone for the very last time..?



I have.





Have you ever told a lie that held some truth?

But not completely mean it.

Have you ever told someone that you're okay, when you're depressed, miserable, and completely torn apart. But yet in some twisted, and sick way you are okay. Because unhappiness is all you've ever known...?



I have.






Have you ever broken someones heart?

But didn't regret it.

Have you ever put your heart on the line for someone you value above and over anyone and anything in this world, but broke your own heart in the process because what was best for them, wasn't best for you..?



I have.



Have you ever wanted to just not feel anymore?

But you're in love with pain.

Have you ever just wanted to take a bottle of pills, or walk out in front of a moving car just because, life is too hard. You don't want to be alive anymore but yet, in all the chaos, you find peace in your misery because out of everything that never stays. Out of everything that changes and altars, it's always been there for you. To wrap you up in a blanket of depression and tuck a pillow of anxiety under your head. While singing a song of your worst fears as you close your eyes and drift into a second reality filled with the monsters in your head.

I have.


Have you ever fallen in love..?

But not in reality.

Have you ever fallen in love with the imagination of something that you know you'll never reach, touch, hold, find, or ever see. Have you ever fallen in love with the pictures the demons in your head paint? Have you ever written down how you feel into a million tiny words then set fire to them and watch them go up in smoke much like your efforts, and possibly entire life..?

I have.
Just my thoughts.
jewel Feb 19
The lies and deceit had me crying in defeat.
Pain surges through, why'd it have to be true?

You've loved her since you saw her, and you've wanted her but now.
You've played me, betrayed me, and left me lying on the ground.

Damn.

I didn't see this coming, my hearts broke, I feel like nothing.
My thoughts are all in a blur, and all for what?

Just fucking, Her.
About a two timing man whore.
jewel Feb 16
I'm sorry that I can't relate to picture perfect, or the happily ever afters you fondly recite from your fairy tale books. I'm sorry that I always get stains on my brand new white shirts, and when I color I can't quite seem to stay within the lines.


I'm sorry when I hear the word magic it reminds me of my first heartbreak, because I fell in love with the illusion of a person I didn't really know. I wish you could understand that everything I've ever loved has just been on big magic show.

So forgive me when your innocent lips mumble the worlds "i love you" and I hear nothing. But rather see a rabbit being pulled out of a hat to tug at the strings of my heart. Stimulating my heart to beat quicker as though replicating the applause of a cheering audience sitting in chairs just as cold and hard as their soulless hearts.

My love when you ask about the caution tape around my body, and I say it's because I'll break you. I do not mean you are an un-boiled egg being placed in the jaws of a lion. No, I mean you are much like the Titanic. You're beautiful, strong, and full of so much potential. People look at you and admire you, because you are a true work of art.

But you want to set sail across the surface of my icy glass like waters that engulf my shattered, and broken heart. And as you glide along with such confidence and surety you will collide with a splinter of my oozing heart. You will hit into my iceberg and be left with nothing but pieces of who you once were.

I will forever be the darkness that lingers in the light. The unseen shadow that is only remembered when cast into the light. I don't want to be what I am, but I can't change. I love you, oh how I deeply, and painfully love you. And it's because I love you that I want you to take a magnifying glass to the windows of my soul. I want you to see the tainted parts of who I am and come to hate it, to hate me.

I will force you away from me in away which you will not be able to understand or fight. And I will watch in agony as the torch you once carried for me now burns for someone new. It stings more than 1,000 cuts from a red hot blade, but the pain of one tear drop rolling down your flawless face because of my imperfections would cause me more pain than anything I can imagine.

Fret not my little dove, I will find peace in and among my pain. True love is protecting that person above all else. And sadly, my love, my oh so handsome love, I must protect you, from myself.
I wrote this thinking about my best friend. Someone who became my entire world and so much more. I saw that they had a good life, and were full of genuine happiness, and as soon as I became apart of their lives my personal problems and drama would cause them unhappiness. I knew I wasn't someone good for their life, so I pushed myself away until he found a new girl and began talking to her. Not being able to handle my emotions I knew eventually I'd cause problems between them so I decided to further my distance from him and quit being his friend entirely. All in his best interest, and all at my loss and dismay. But one more person in this world was spared heartbreak. And for that, I'm truly happy.
jewel Sep 2017
In first grade you accused me of having a stutter, just because I couldn't speak as fast as the others. So I studied really hard, and now I speak just fine. But in third grade that didn't matter, cause you'd made me a sign. You labeled me something, now it's stuck in my head. Along with all the other names and mean things that you've said. In fifth grade I didn't try out, for the cheer leading team. You said I was too fat and that I couldn't fit my jeans. Seventh grade came around, and I was slim as a stick. I didn't eat much anymore, so you labeled me an anorexic bitch. Each day that went by, I got more and more depressed. Until one day I decided to just not get dressed. I slept all morning, and woke up that night. Then for hours with my thoughts I did endlessly fight. Ninth grade crept up, there was a huge school dance. You knew who I liked and said I didn't have a chance. Everything you said, I eventually believed, until that one day senior year, I saw what most didn't see. I saw your father hit you, I found out your mother had died, I watched you run into the bathroom with tears in your eyes. I found out you were failing, and heard your boyfriend had cheated. And it was right then and there that your spell I defeated. It was the end of senior year, and I knew I wasn't the problem. I had been living to please you, and you pinned me at the bottom. You had the issues, you were in pain. But I'm my own person, and that you can't change. You brought people down, because your ship was sinking. But I've abandoned ship, from now on I'll do my own thinking. I'm not stupid, or fat, and I didn't have a stutter. I'm not ugly or worthless, and my crush said we're perfect for each other. I'm following my heart, I'm chasing my dreams, and from this day forward. I'm living for me.
jewel Sep 2017
Recently I've noticed, that the world's skin deep. We've stopped looking past our features, and started scanning from head to feet. Closed minds don't matter, when your legs are open wide. Just like a personality is worthless, when you only want physically inside. We say we want to find love, but only indulge ourselves in lust. Just  to wind up brokenhearted, and wondering who we can trust.
This is just a short poem I wrote when I was dealing with some fake people.
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