Its happening.
It happened.
Its over.

Joyful boy bundled in blue,
Nine months and a day mommy carried you,
Nine months and a day when I was due,
Out you came with a purplish hue.

Your twin sister soon followed suit,
However, she came out, pink, plump, and cute.
Beautiful you were, a work of art,
You had my love right from the start.

Perfect little eyes, fingers, nose, and toes,
My heart full of both sadness and excitement,
Thought I might implode.

A few months before,
In two my heart tore,
When the doctor informed me,
A stillborn you'd be,
Your little heart didn't function at full capacity.

But even with your purple hue,
Here, with me just for a few,
Precious Earth angel, mine you were,
I'm sure the Lord God would concur.

Just for me, I felt you held out,
Your tiny little heart beat so rapidly,
The cry let out was quite lively ,
In mommy's arms right where you belonged,
For nine months and a day to hold you I had longed.

Momentarily, the nurses and doctors had fawned over you
Then quickly they whisked my love away to the NICU.
Bundle of blue, your outlook was bleak,
Surprised I was you even let out a squeak,
For you were so very tiny and weak.

So daddy and I packed you up and took you home,
To steal every moment of this precious time alone,
No breathing machines, painful needles, or drugs,
Just you, me, daddy, little sister, and a sea of endless hugs.

My little boy, bundled in blue,
You stayed with us 48 hours plus two.
I listened to every rapid heartbeat, right until your last,
I imagined you'd return to a sea of stars so vast.

We captured every moment in photos and on film,
The entire two days death was at the helm,
My little joy, bundled in blue,
For Nine months, a day, and forever, mommy will carry you.

This current state of being,
A byproduct of my upbringing,
To a shred of sanity I'm clinging.
I'm condemned, I am ******
It's not like this was planned.

Those pesky chemicals are a torrential rain,
Carried 'round by cerebrospinal fluid in the brain,
Are unbalanced, unregulated. I am agitated.
Emotions now unchained.

The feelings I suppressed
Now a hysterical, pathetic, crying mess
This silent monster is cunning and bold
Has defiantly stepped over my mental threshold
The more I try to ignore
The more intense the outpour

The heart drops into the stomach,
Unpleasant pulsating in my ear canal
I tremble uncontrollably
I obsess over thoughts until they nauseate me

Down a rabbit hole I'm going
Due to insufficient dopamine and serotonin
The ideas of inadequacy and failure are growing

As logical a girl I am
To these irrational thoughts I am ******,
I attempt to talk myself out of it
But my reasoning just won't fit
No matter how hard I try
I cannot find a reason why...

At this point my heart is racing
From the epinephrine rush, I am pacing
Back and forth across the floor
In and out the bedroom door

You have no idea how happy I'd be
To have a life of "normalcy"
No matter how much I plead and plead
This quiet monster won't take its leave
At my wit's end, my sanity's gone,
I'm all out of my Buproprion.

The distance between us,
Isn't just physical,
You're intelligent but infantile,

Big ego so fragile,
When you don't get your way,
You ignore me for at least a day,

Mood swings so quick,
This emotional coaster makes me sick.
I'm beginning to think,
The age difference will make us sink,

Down into a hateful dark abyss.
Last night you didn't say you love me or give a kiss.
There are miles between us,

When it comes to conflict resolution and maturity,
You're drowning aggression and insecurity.
You say you're fragile, well so am I.
But I don't purposefully try to make you cry.

The tactics you use,
Are borderline verbal abuse.
An ocean of distrust,
Every time I'm filled with more disgust.

Becoming numb to the rising tide,
My true feelings I will no longer hide.
You think you're some kind of god,
But you forget I'm an atheist.
I don't believe that gods exist.

You put my patience to the test.
I'm tired of these petty arguments; give it a rest.
So to your bitter maelstrom,
I will strongly resist.

This tidal wave of anger, angst, and absurdity,
Carries me further out to sea,
I want you sailing far away from me.

Chased we were into the dying woods
A mob of armored men on the crimson horizon
In all that I do, it was and is for the love of you

Fugitives are we
For what? A serious crime it must be
To fall in love with him and he to love me
Promised to another man I was
But I'll be ****** if I live a life without love

Jealousy of a man has derived
A bounty on your head dead or alive
And double the reward for my return
Every tender loving night with you
Will forever within me burn and burn

Bitter is the understanding
Between we two
You say to me "I'll never stop loving you"
Stopped in our tracks with a fruitless plea
He tells me to go back, that he'll always be with me
For he'd rather watch me from afar with another man
Than me be forever a fugitive in a foreign land

A stubborn gal I've always been
This argument presented, he knows he'll never win
I'd rather run forever or be dead
Than spend a night in another man's bed!

This hopeless romantic devotion
I am overtaken by fervent emotion
As a hail of arrows rains down upon us
I give my love one final embrace
And stare the reaper in the face

Every piercing blow testament of my intense dedication
I knew this love was not without ramification
His beautiful body I shield with my own
These dead woods will forever be my home

Once a voyager of sky and sea
On Earth I left the vast majority
Of those who chose the illusion of security
Over the idea of living truly free

I have abandoned all earthly possessions
The idea of an unconventional view is my only concession
I leave behind all of my past
To voyage across a universe so vast

I know it is unlikely
That I will find the other half of me
So for now, content with myself I'll be

As I trawl this endless sea of stars
I am battle-worn and covered in scars
Speed past assaults from the asteroid belt
Which lies beyond the red planet, Mars

At the universe's cold black mercy,
It  knows of my tender vulnerability
I man this spacecraft all alone
To find another heart to call my home

At the apex of the Empire State Building
Beneath a resilient misty gray sky,
A perfectly dreary day to die
She's at her lowest low
In heeled shoes a mile high,
Youthful skin, but nothing behind dead hazel eyes,
Rose red lips which never spoke their mind,
A purse full of pills she'd rather leave behind
Beneath rich chocolate curls,
Helena's madness quietly unfurls
Her courage to jump, her fear of death
Weighing the outcome of future incomes
Against the agony of piling debts
She came down from her delusional high
When daddy's substitute for love called money ran bone dry
With the sky the limit, her mind is trapped
By the lie they told Helena as her life was mapped
Line by line they fed her from birth:
"A scholarly piece of paper and a lovely figure will define your worth
Choose wisely little princess, or your life will be hell on Earth"
Turning her back to the street below
Her courage to end it begins to grow
She closes her empty hazel eyes
Cranes her neck towards the sky
And whispers "Death do you hear me? No longer am I shy"
In her delusion she heeded Death's reply
"Come now dear angel, let's see you fly"
A rush of adrenaline was met with demise
Now nourishment for the maggots and the flies
Antidepressants mimicked the body of their owner,
Fractured bottles, tops open, pills strewn all over
Beautiful bones shattered against the pavement
Released she was, from her own mental enslavement
Trickling down the drain, carried by unrelenting rain
Into a New York sewer towards the darkness below,
A bright crimson flow
Quenches the thirst of a starving rat king
Entangled in thirteen tails as he lay dying
Grateful is the king to Helena's sacrifice
For he is trapped in this sewer and awaits his own demise
A glimpse he tasted from the world above
Bitter-sweet is the blood of a girl without love

It was in April we met of last year
Never thought I'd hold you so dear
A curious thing I thought you were
Loud, eccentric, and certainly belligerent
Of my feelings, mostly inconsiderate

At odds were we from the start
With every argument we rip each other clean apart
We clash like demigods on the battlefront
I, petulantly persistent and you, cruelly blunt
I am stubborn and prideful just like you
An abundance of intense feelings between we two
Polar opposites in personality are we
But some of the things in you I see in me

Leery was I of your intentions
Following every reply with even more questions
See, no matter how hard I try can't read you
So handing my trust over to you is an issue
I've never had someone be so true
It scares me to death, because true people are so few

Even if you are not meant to be my lover
You'd be a genuine friend--like no other
(Even at times when we can't stand one another)

Patient sometimes you are with me
As I slowly release my grip and conceed to our reality
For whatever twisted reason there may be
I love you for you and you love me for me

you tapped my shoulder
and whispered in my ear

"thats wrong. fix it"

my gaze followed
your long, boney finger
down to the skewed papers
on the desk next to mine

i simply shook my head and answered with
"no, thats not mine to touch"

i started to ignore
your fervent tapping and whispering
but it moved up
to screaming and shaking my body
i couldnt hold myself back any longer

i quickly grabbed the papers
and filed them
making sure they were neat
before setting them back down

you were happy
it was casual
it was normal

so i started to
live by your rules
letting your gentle taps and whispers
tell me what to do

i would fold my gym clothes
in the same order every day
i would sanitize my hands
before and after every single class
i would fix peoples binders, paper, and pencils
just to please you

then it changed

others started to laugh
mess up the clothes i neatly folded
push my papers out of order
hold me back
as they made everything crooked
watching me struggle against their hands
as i tried to break free
to fix it all

you were screaming
telling me how those fingertips
were touching my body
infecting me

you were violently shaking me
saying how wrong the mess was
that i had to fix it

fix it
fix  it
fix it

i still do as you say
abide by your rules
the laughing and taunting
has disappeared now
as i freely fix my things

theres the occasional question and statement
"why dont you just leave it?"
"it isnt that important"
"the mess wont affect you"

none of them know
of you looming behind me
a strict ruler of my mind
telling me they were wrong

no
none of them will know
they wouldnt never understand
how important your pure touches and words are
to the filthy, messy place
that is my mind