Today the rain pours
As I wait for my shift to begin I sit in my car
My hair is wet, I'm nursing a deep wound
Which will become yet another scar

I cracked open the window to my heart
Ever so slightly
Reluctantly to allow a warm island breeze to roll in
Instead I experienced a turbulent wind

I let my guard down like never before
I opened the door
Thinking we were something more

Now I sit confused and disheveled
Face full of tears
An emotional flood
Perhaps it was I who misunderstood

You see, I took your word as true
Rememer, those three little words you spoke?
"I love you"
Empty now they seem
Extrodinary how a heart changes so quickly
I'd like to make this break clean

The last words spoken by you the other night
Do you remember the ones after the fight?
"This is me giving up for now
I'll talk to you tomorrow babe, I love you
Good night"

Those words gave me false reassurance
As these arguments are a regular occurance
You'd tell me time after time
"Babe we'll be fine"
Why on earth did I believe that line?

My own stupidity
Has gotten the best of me
As I delusionally imagined how truly loved by you I'd be

As with protocol you told me to go
So I gave you your space
That is our bi-weekly flow
But you changed entirely
You didn't call like you said you would

Colder than the deepest ocean
You tell me now,
"We're not together so what does it matter?"
To this I reply "I love you"
And then your harsh words cut me like a knife
"I don't, we are done"
You love me no longer
The heartless tone said all I need to know

I don't understand what happened but it did
The trust I worked so hard to release to you after months
Is shattered and jagged on the floor

Some people go through lovers like water
But that is not me,
I let people in very selectively
When I love, I love truly and deeply
Sometimes months, even years, go by
Before I'll look a man in the eye

I know with time, I'll be fine
You'll move on and forget my face
Rise to fame and bring pride to your family's name
But I'll always keep my door open just the same

So for now I sit and wipe away my tears
Recounting the steps as I reel from the shock
Of something seemingly small that has ended it all
I have to put on a happy face
As I enter the workplace

I see your beautifully sad emerald eyes
I see the glow of your skin with the sun rise
I see the furrow between your brow as you frown
I see how easily in you I could drown
I see your thick raven curls and how they move as the wind blows
I see the gentle ***** of your strong nose
I see the curve of your sly grin as you tell dry jokes
I see your long slender fingers which lead into large strong hands
I see your statuesque height when you stand
I see the innocent kindness in your face so I love to stare
I also fear the anger in it beyond compare
I see you change every day; mostly in a good way
I see so much  potential and intelligence
I see how you could blossom with due diligence
I see the excitement in your eyes and smile when you learn a new skill
I see the way you leave your heart open waiting to be filled
Perhaps it's my fear of your criticism
Perhaps it's my pride, my shyness, or my cynicism
That I don't express how much I see in you
We both know I'm not one to boast, but
You are the one I see and love most
Each day I discover about you something new
Do you see me as much as I see you?

If only your skin was a lighter shade
Here, this bleach might come to your aid
If only your lips weren't so full
Maybe the boys would like you at school
If only your hair wasn't so *****
Here's some caustic chemicals to make it more slinky
If only your ******* weren't so large
Here's the number to a surgeon, call and see what they charge
If only your waist was smaller (just a few inches)
Here's a corset, see how tiny it cinches?
If only your *** wasn't so round
How 'bout you run some laps to lose a few pounds?
If only you'd get your nose out of books
I bet you'd garner more stares for your looks
If only you'd change your curious personality
I hear the masses prefer banality

If only you'd see me for me
Do you know how content I'd be?
If you can't do that
Then leave me be.

I hate myself
and my blandness.
I hate my hair
and my sadness.
I hate my nose
and my bruteness.
I hate my feet
and my bitterness.
I hate my legs
and my desperateness.
I hate my wrists
and my selfconsciousness.

Perfection
Beauty
Happy
Brilliance
Selfless
Excitement

Nothing.

You changed,
You changed
I walked a way
To keep myself
I lost the game.
The game,
The game,
You were not fair
It was a war
I left you there.
You’re there,
You’re there,
And there you’ll stay.
You play the game.
I’ve walked away.

"Keep your friends close,
and your enemies closer,"
Is what they say.

But nothing hurts more than
Keeping the ones you love close,
But the one you couldn't love, closer.

One* discovered love affair
Two  blue- black eyes
Three  antique vases crashing
Four  uncovered lies
Four  Children huddle, scared, plus one*  trapped in the womb
Six  hours of shouting—will it end soon?
Seven  horrifying sleepless nights
Eight  hours worried at school about inevitable fights
Nine  attempts to pick the bedroom lock
Successful, she sees her mother bloodied and in shock
Ten the age when she learned not to trust men
Would you like to count again?

She will never understand
Fundamentalist Christianity’s demand
To maintain a perfect flower
Solely for a husband to devour

Robbed of her innocence
She begs in the form of repentance
For acceptance and forgiveness
The entire congregation a witness

To victim shame is to victim blame
Even innocent children aren’t immune
Ten past noon on a sunny day in June
A girl’s ***** was breached
A sin in the eyes of the lord, the goodly preacher preached

An unmarried non-****** is a ***** and nothing more
A defiled child, her name reviled

She is blamed, she is shamed
By her own flesh and blood
Silenced was the little lamb
To hell she will be ******

Keep up the facade
Just smile and nod
Pretend to love the church
Cross necklace, bible, and long skirt
C’mon show your love! Buy that Jesus merch!

Wanting to shed her skin
A prison she’s trapped in
The most perfect of little girls
Except she lost her white pearls

A bitter pill to swallow
The Lord Jesus she must follow
Knowing her body’s imperfect
Understanding she’ll never be worth it

So with the congregation’s nod, the goodly preacher preached:
"For in the eyes of God,
A ***** which is breached
On a girl without a ring
Is worth nothing but a fling"

If you scream no one will hear you
If you scream I will **** you
Little  girl  of  seven
How ‘bout you bring me to heaven?

I’ll take you on a trip
You’ll feel your insides rip

It’s ten past noon
The beginning of June
She screamed anyway
In the middle of the day

Ten minutes before,
She knocked on her door
Nobody is home
She’s all alone

So she skipped to the park
Past trees of paper-white bark
To swing on the swings
Such a thoughtless innocent thing

He was looming there
She didn’t really care
Friendly he did seem
And tried to push her on the swing

Alarmed, she struggled to get down
He shoved her to the ground
The smell of cigarettes
The sound of deep heavy breaths

Deflowered was the maiden(head)
Defiled was the child
So loudly she had screamed
From the object he had reamed

Rough and rigid was the shaft
A sharp pain and the smell of blood
Briefly she blacked out from the traumatic flood

The monster bolted from the sound of her cries
What had he done? She understood.
Showed her womanhood

The smell of cigarettes
The beginning of regrets
The sting of his sixty second fling
Although he was gone
His stench lingered on

So once more, she ran to her apartment door
No  one was there to comfort her despair
On her porch she sat
Numb and waiting

Mom comes home and asks what’s wrong
Why did she take so long?
A police report was made
The girl’s memory begins to fade (shove it down, make it drown)

Ten past noon
That day in June
A sunny day in the park
Where her life went dark