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Ili Norizan Mar 2017
I wanted to give him the world,
But how could I when he has it all,
So I write him words,
With hope that he'll find meanings,
In every string of melancholy,
From moments we first talked,
To the hours stretched between then and now;

I wanted to give him love,
The kind that only he deserves,
As patient and honest,
As trusting and generous,
Like how he's been with his,
Care and so tender,
No matter how hard or rough things get;

I wanted him to be happy,
Even if it means I'm not the reason,
Even if it means I'm not part of his life's equation,
Because some people were meant as a lesson,
And no matter what I say now it can't be undone,
So I ask the Lord to grant these 23 prayers,
For his heart to be bursting with love,
For his soul to find a mate to hold,
For his kindness to be repaid,
For another to care for him the way he used to care,
For stars to shine in his eyes,
For only smiles and kisses to touch his face,
For no pain will ever come to him,
For success to be his middle name,
For life to go easy on him even when it's tough,
For him to love the rain more than he should,
For him to see beauty that he once beheld,
For only warmth to touch him,
For him to be safe from danger and harm,
For him to receive the good he's given,
For no one to disappoint or let him down,
For appreciation shown to him when he expects it least,
For someone to touch his soul,
For someone to share his dreams,
For someone to give him beyond this world,
For someone to see him for a blessing from the very beginning,
For him to not be taken for granted ever again,
For his effort acknowledged,
For credit given where it's due,
Especially when he's worked hard to make your dreams come true.

@byizn
Happy b'early birthday Umar.
Ili Norizan May 2016
She's got brown eyes,
But it took her years,
Before she finally realised,
That his love was lies;

She's got brown eyes,
It lights up when she smiles,
But it takes her many tries,
For happiness she denies;

She's got brown eyes,
That tell stories of surprise,
An ending one would not reprise,
For it progresses till it dies;

She's got brown eyes,
Oh how they mesmerise,
Even the cowardly of mice,
And heartbreakers in disguise.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Jul 2016
Time will tell,
If it was me or him,
But right now everything's swell,
At least that's the dream;

Before it happens,
The next chapter of this crazy joyride,
I can't help but hope we'll remain friends,
And not let things sour due to pride;

When it's time,
I hope I'll find him divine,
The way he once made me rhyme,
But until then we'll leave it to fate to entwine;

Well this is it,
The truth we've been waiting for,
Will it be a trick or a treat,
Could it be we're a bore and love, a chore?

@byizn
Ili Norizan Mar 2017
He's like constellations,
A road map to forever,
And every night I count the distance,
Between here and happily-ever-after;

When I look at the stars,
I see universes of us together,
Parallels that was only ours,
And there's nothing we could not weather;

You're a Pisces and I a Virgo,
Two opposites with attraction so strong,
This love we share let us not throw,
For we're meant to be let us prove them wrong;

Light years away from now,
I hope you'll look at me the same way,
When we made our only vow,
To be together forever come what may.

@byizn
I'm not the easiest person to love, and I tend to complicate matters. But ever since you came into my life, I've never been better. You showed me everything I refused to see before, it's now clearer and life beautiful as ever. I know now what it means to belong, to have someone to call home.

Thank you, Umar.
Ili Norizan Mar 2017
There's something about you,
That makes me feel blue,
But not in a bad way just I haven't a clue,
If your feelings for me is as true,
As you once told me before I said, "I love you too".

But I do,
And if you do too,
Then tell me how I can get through,
To you,
Because sayang you're the one who knows me as well as you,
You're the only one for me, boo,
You and me, we're a crew of two.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Apr 2017
Destiny told me,
That today is not the end,
Tomorrow just a beginning,
And come what may,
We'll always find a way,
Back to love again;

Maybe time will tell,
Even when it stands still,
No hour passing by,
Just a change in scenery,
From day to night,
A different pace,
A brand new phase,
And lovely faces,
One you've seen in dreams,
Put can never seem to place,
Because destiny told me,
That maybe we're meant to be,
Not right now, baby,
But eventually,
If only you understand the possibility,
Of how you complement me,
The way I love you completely.

@byizn
Ili Norizan May 2016
It's easy to fall for the sea,
For it opens up to you,
Its feelings you can see,
For it's multiple shades of blue;

It's easy to want to fly,
For it takes you places so high,
The many levels of the blue sky,
You'd be too happy you'd die;

It's easy to love another,
Their faces and phases a wonder,
But to love yourself takes forever,
When it should've been easier.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Feb 2017
Have you ever felt tired?
Of yourself,
If not others,
Of how you've changed,
If not this world,
And you can't quite put your finger on it,
But the only feeling is restlessness,
Weary of everything;

Have you ever felt lost?
Not because you're unfamiliar,
Or the place unknown,
Or the faces seem to be devoid of humanity,
For everyone struggles differently,
And you wear a mask to blend in,
So that you don't stand out,
In the crowd of lonely hearts,
Especially when you're all alone;

Have you ever felt broken?
Like these bones crack and break,
Under the weight of your own hurt,
When you keep on blaming yourself,
For even the smallest of flaws,
When you keep on picking at the scars,
Of all the past mistakes and faults,
As though you can't help it,
But to wrong yourself;

Have you ever felt love?
The kind that heals,
Not with a touch but a kiss of promise,
As he held you close and tender,
Telling you how worthy,
How beautiful you are really,
And you fear the reflection in the mirror,
Only to have him trace your well-intended heart,
That your pulse quickens,
With the urgency to be revived again,
As a new person,
Someone you once knew;

I have felt all of the above,
Tired,
Lost,
Broken,
But most of all I've felt his love,
And I have been racking my brain,
Trying to understand,
What I could've possibly done,
To deserve it all,
Especially he who is so kind.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Jan 2018
If there's hell to pay,
Then surely heaven awaits,
But how do I get there,
who's gonna show me the way?
Am I on track or way off at this rate;

I'm hellbent on getting to heaven,
Hoping it'll be my final destination,
For I fear what's waiting in the fiery den,
Yet I'm still having trouble in terms of devotion,
But that's just me being human;

So what's the difference,
Haven,
Heaven,
Paradise,
For each represents,
a person,
a feeling,
and destiny for those devoted in faithfulness,
As hell is the prize for my defiance.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Nov 2016
He tried to fix me,
And I was too clumsy,
I broke his heart so steadily,
A small rip and feelings trickled freely;

He tried to show me love,
And I fearful of things I don't have,
Dare not make the same gutsy move,
So instead I gave him a shove;

He tried to understand,
Why I'm afraid of making amends,
When all he did was extend a hand,
And I saw it as a start to many bitter ends;

He tried to show more than just care,
But I took one look and saw despair,
Afraid my temperament will be a scare,
For him to put up with from here on until there;

He tried to win,
And I a sore loser,
Only wanted to ink 'fin',
When there's a whole new chapter.

@byizn
For Umar.
Ili Norizan Nov 2016
He wasn't home,
He's just a house you took shelter in,
When he's got broken windows and opened doors,
Leaking roof and creaking floors,
You don't owe him rent,
He was opened to welcome just about anyone,
And love meant permanent resident,
Not a temporary come-and-go tenant.

@byizn
Him
Ili Norizan May 2016
Him
I wish I could trace him,
Like the pages of a favourite fiction,
To read his lips with each word escaping,
Run my fingers through every thought,
That tangles in strands of deep poetry,
His taste lingers on my skin,
As I catch the twinkling stars in his eyes,
A constellation of lovers and missed chances,
I wish I could decipher every secret he held,
In the beating of his pulsing veins,
The loneliness coursing through his being,
For I wish I was made to fit his contour,
A piece of puzzle to his dreams and more.

@byizn
I
Ili Norizan Jun 2016
I
I told a lie once,
About how it didn't hurt,
When he left me in silence;

I broke my heart,
To pour out words for him,
But there he goes tearing me apart;

I fell too fast too soon,
His charm got me ensnared with his ways,
And I looked up to him for he was my moon;

I washed away his memories,
For tears flowed freely at the mention of his name,
Even though it's been long it's still him I miss;

I had a hard time rhyming,
It doesn't help that I could barely think,
Not when he was the missing link;

I stayed up to plan my dreams,
Hoping maybe he'll return with me to reality,
But this world has only place for the grim;

I used to love you,
Every detail of your being ingrained in me,
Until the day you made me blue.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Dec 2016
Nobody can break me,
But myself,
And I do it so carefully,
To build a shelf,
Filled with stories of the lonely,
Pages of truth known only to me,
For I am the one they know,
To own the barely beating heart
That pumps ink instead of blood;

I break it on the daily,
To spill words so familiar,
Yet foreign like careless whisper,
Like the sweet nothings he once gave me,
Or the promise he broke chance after chance;

Still my heart held on,
Ink filled to the brim,
Flowing through the tips,
Coursing through every vein,
At the touch of my bony fingers,
Dancing away on screens,
Or the clickity clacking,
From typing bits of him,
But more of me,
And how I never knew,
That truth is this heart,
It bleeds free,
It bleeds true,
But not in shades of red,
Just black and blue.

@byizn
I'm gonna recite this tomorrow at the open mic at @gapai_kitchen (somewhere in PJ, Malaysia). Wish me luck!
Ili Norizan May 2018
I think I've figured out love,
It's two parts compromise,
And a whole lot of trust,
Also the occasional surprise;

It's his favourite toys,
And her in pretty clothes;

It's his time with the boys,
And her me time at the spa,
After a session with the girls;

It's his willingness to listen,
Even when she's not making sense,
And him not using it against her because he can;

It's her openness with him,
How she's not shy to bare all,
Skin and soul;

It's his utmost respect,
Not taking advantage or asking for more,
When she's given everything she's got;

I think I've figured out love,
It's shared dreams and having each other's back,
Telling her not to move,
Because he might just lose track.

@byizn
Ili Norizan May 2016
I used to line my eyes,
Stained my lips red,
Picked a flirty dress,
And his day made;

I used to kiss goodbye,
Wake him with a smile,
Once I even made him cry,
But it was all worthwhile;

I used to write him love,
Long calls between hours,
For him mountains I'll move,
Just so the moment's ours;

I used to be a fool for him,
Put him first above others,
But once he cheated on a whim,
It was over in a matter of hours.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Aug 2016
I said hello,
He said goodbye,
For there's tomorrow,
Unless I somehow die;

Don't forget me,
Never let me go,
This is our little infinity,
Our happily ever after you know;

Time is of the essence,
So chase after all your passion,
Always go the distance,
Even if it tests your patience.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Dec 2016
So let's talk about love, shall we?
Let's talk about you and me,
And all of the possibilities,
The what ifs,
What could be,
Where would we be if I said yes,
Or if you actually asked;

Let's talk about love baby,
About your dreams and frustrations,
Which colour your mood is in today,
How music affects your ability to work and play,
Or if your passion matches your intention,
The way your words echo and resound in every little action,
Would I know it when I see it or do you have to point it out,
Spell it word for word one letter of the alphabet at a time so that I could read it for fear I've been blinded from past experience where my heart ripped out and stomped on as it was laid bare?

Please, could we talk about love honestly,
For we spend nights shouting into an abyss of trust issues,
As we're both too proud to realise how we doubt the other's words by straight up lying through gritted teeth,
Bit lips for me as I type my reply to counter each of your denials,
Only to fall back in tears steadily streaming like rivers carving lines of worry and fear through my aging face that no one could ever look at with pride and admiration,
As you and your youth talk to me about disappointing yourself for not trying to live life,
Forgetting that I too want the very same things you do which was why I fell for you and you knew,
But the thing was that we don't focus on what's in front of us thinking we have a future ahead where it's fixed that you're for me and I for you,
Having forgotten that our choices will pave, shape and build us both;

Can I just talk about love quickly,
Before these words slipped right through me,
As I fall asleep trying to forget the songs you sang one lonely evening,
When you were back in our city searching for company,
Only to find this lonely bitter soul whose heart has been broken to pieces that she can no longer fathom this puzzle,
Hoping you'd somehow help her figure out where the bits belong,
But that's the thing babe,
You never wanted to be a part of anyone but yourself even though you insist that I'm the one you need in your life,
Except maybe not right now,
For I'm slowly rotting away waiting for my time to pass,
And you've got a long journey ahead,
Winding through endless possibilities of romance and newfound fame in the company of young lovely bones,
Spoiled for choices you constantly take me for granted telling me I over-think when all I ask for is your honesty,
And a little bit of trust to let me in;

Now, tell me, do you still want to talk about love with me,
Or are you leaving already?

@byizn
So last night, I gave spoken words another go at the Poetry Open Mic held at this quaint little spot called Unit 23 Café in Shah Alam.

This piece was written right after I booked my slot to perform, and was inspired by Umar and our pretty erratic connection (thanks mostly to me and my over-thinking). Enjoy!
Ili Norizan Apr 2016
Time heals old wounds,
But new ones bleed and scar,
For every truth abounds,
You'll find yourself drifting far;

It's a matter of patience,
More so than like, lust or love,
You can give up your conscience,
For life will dare you to move;

So give it all you've got,
Never once should you hold back,
At the end of the rainbow a ***,
Of gold and so much more to pack.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Mar 2017
Love is open to interpretation,
So be careful how you fall into it,
Will there be someone to catch you,
Break your fall and keep you from harm?
Or would you find yourself putting back together a puzzle,
Of broken pieces from taking a leap of blind faith;

Fall in love whenever you can,
Even if it only lasts a second,
Or lives on even years after you're gone,
Because regrets are for things you didn't do,
While mistakes are lessons learned,
And love is the best teacher you could've ever encountered.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Feb 2017
Love is a mirage,
You see what you feel,
Even when you don't believe,
That anything so pure and true,
Could ever be meant for you,
But love is an image made to change,
Your perception and his,
Of the world and everything else in between a kiss,
For love is a mirage that plays you for a fool,
Where you take fantasy for reality,
And sometimes you're left thinking "I must be crazy",
Still don't be ever so silly,
To deny yourself a smidgen of happy,
For even mirages are there to remind you that sometimes you'll see,
What's only there for you to see but not others,
Only then you'll know if he's the one,
If this love you feel is divine,
One-of-a-kind,
Meant to be until the end of time.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Oct 2017
I've been missing him,
At random hours of the day,
Sometimes late at night,
Other times early in the morning,
And on rare occasions,
During an important meeting;

I've been missing him,
His way of loving,
That attention he's given,
And all the questions he'll bombard me with,
Even when there's no relevance,
To our current conversation,
But that's just his way of showing,
Love or something similar to that feeling;

I've been missing him,
Although not as much lately,
But only because I've been really busy,
Still whenever I see his name while scrolling,
I can't help but wonder why we're no longer speaking,
Was it all just a dream?
Did I fall in love with him,
But for him it wasn't the same?

I've been missing him a lot,
The feelings, they come in waves that I cannot stop,
So I continue to miss him,
Day in and day out,
He's all I can think about,
Even he doesn't miss me or what we had,
Because he never intended to stay from the very beginning.

@byizn
You still mean so much to me, Umar.
Ili Norizan Jun 2017
When I was younger,
Mother was more of the monster,
And father my knight in shining armor,
For whenever I get into trouble,
He wards off all of my fears;

But as I grew older,
Mother was more of a hero,
And father just a man I hold dear,
For no matter how difficult I can be to her,
She's always giving her all for me;

Now that I've grown so much more,
Mother is who I wish to be in the future,
And father is who I pray will get His mercy,
For if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been me,
But if it wasn't for him then I wouldn't have become somebody;

One day I'll be someone's mother,
And I hope to God they'll have a father,
A dad not just for his title but as a figure,
The superhero,
The guide,
The support,
The breadwinner,
The one who tucks them in at night,
And makes sure that the bad things stay out of sight,
The equally cool one between us two,
For no one turns out who they are,
If not for their Mother and Father.

@byizn
Dearest Ba and Umi, I love you beyond words or what I'm able to show.
I pray that He'll grant you mercy, wealth, good health, love and paradise.
Ili Norizan Aug 2016
Our eyes locked on one another,
His lips just a finger from mine,
I breathe in his lustful scent,
And he angled his face for a taste,
Taken by surprise I took a step back,
He leant in closer and reality disappeared,
All I could remember was a sweetness,
For when he kissed oh we created a universe,
A galaxy of which love thrives between us,
Free of envy and hate from others,
Our veins entwined and we dissolved into one,
Lovers filled with a desire to devour,
Him taking my soul and I taking him whole,
As everything else ceased to exist,
Leaving only us to make poetry with our body.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Jun 2016
I'm not sure how to love another,
For I even struggle with my inner voices,
And when the time comes to gather,
The courage within me falter and dissolves;

I've tried to love the best I could,
Gave my all to the highest bidder,
But instead fulfilled my heart remained hollowed,
And I couldn't trust myself to be your lover;

I gave myself a chance to dance,
Along the lines of his sweet nothings,
Until his music played to different tunes,
Leaving me a lonely and miserable being;

I wanted to believe in the one,
That person who makes it all right,
But every time I fall for another man,
Darkness creeps in swallowing the light;

I told myself that time will heal,
But with every ticking my heart bled,
The flow so rapid I now can't feel,
Should I ever find love when it comes to meet;

I wanted to be loved by only him,
From this day onwards till eternity,
But chances are only in my dream,
For he knows me not in this reality.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Oct 2017
Remember when you promised me forever,
Knowing that tomorrow might not come,
Yet you still held on tight,
Because no matter what,
Love was all we had and that's reason enough,
To be;

Remember when you said nothing's gonna change,
Even though just yesterday you were a shade different,
And today you're no longer as blue,
While I was seeing green,
Because of all the attention you're getting,
But still you said don't worry baby,
I've only got you,
Truly;

Remember when?
Cos I barely can,
It feels like memories so distant,
When it happened not long ago I know,
Yet somehow the feeling's long gone,
Disappeared that very moment,
You decided to no longer show.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Jul 2016
It takes patience to be kind,
For the world is cruel my dear,
And you've got to take your time,
Chances come, go, they're forever;

But when things boil over,
I hope you'll know that it's alright,
The end is not that far, not close either,
You just have to go on and fight;

Sure people will break your heart,
Stay strong for yourself don't fall apart,
For you're made to survive this life and the next,
You're a warrior, a goddess, your mother's daughter;

Don't let the others talk you down,
Make you doubt yourself and your crown,
For this life is yours to rule and own,
A cavalry at your disposal to claim the throne.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Feb 2017
I love how the buildings bathe in the morning sun,
The gold and glimmer of hope,
The shimmer and ray of what could,
And in the mirrored reflection,
Caught on windows and thresholds,
I saw myself smiling,
Like the bright-eyed child,
Full of promise and trust,
Not quite naïve but innocent,
Curious like a kitten,
Looking for a distraction,
In the forms of many kinds of fun,
Even if to others it was a bore of a chore,
For I was that girl who loved routine,
Knowing everything and that sense of the familiar,
Where nothing could surprise me,
And I would not be easily offended,
Taken aback was something I only started doing,
At the age of twenty-one,
Or was it really when I was so done,
With the fact that leaving high school,
Meant leaving the physical place in which I learned,
For the jocks and snobs and nerds and pretty girls,
They grew up too like me going on into reality,
Of the concrete jungle in the big city,
The capital of money and sobriety,
Where it's glitz and glam in grids on the Gram,
But the twittering said otherwise,
Oh how were we so blinded by the rise,
Of growing pains and pangs,
Falling in and out of love with ourselves,
As much as we crush upon potential lovers,
None of whom were suitors,
Just mere flings to keep us company,
While we ourselves figured out an escape,
For there's nothing more that we despise,
Than that of the lies, we keep telling ourselves,
That this life is the best,
That I'm happy where I'm at,
In this career or otherwise,
But still, we cry ourselves to sleep at night,
Sometimes sobbing during the day,
In bathroom stalls like ghouls,
Thinking what could've possibly gone wrong,
What'd I do to deserve such a test,
And how could I a top scoring geek fail miserably at best,
Yet we see it again this endless cycle,
As the sun paints a masterpiece in the sky,
Melting away all the tension of the day,
As it slowly dims then darken your way,
Telling you to go back to sleep,
To keep the dream alive,
For I do love how the sun paints the town gold,
Early in the morning,
When all is quiet and lonely,
A kind of peace that feels like it's not all bad,
This life could really be a sanctuary, maybe.

@byizn
She
Ili Norizan May 2016
She
She's the type of girl,
Who speaks in ink on paper,
Every word a string she twirls
around in lines of endless forever;

She's the type of girl,
Whose gestures are speech,
Her ****** expressions a tell-tale
sign of her being out of reach;

She's the type of girl,
With lips pursed tight,
A hint of smile in one corner
and a kiss hidden in plain sight;

She's the type of girl,
Who wears her heart on her sleeves,
Her soul laid bare for the world
to see as she continues to give;

She's the type of girl,
Who loves with all her might,
Despite the broken pieces
she constantly tries to clumsily fix.

@byizn
Ili Norizan May 2017
She grew up,
Seeing her reflections,
A contorted view of imperfections,
Something she wishes to fix,
But have no idea how to,
As she struggles with her inner demons,
Making a deal with the devil,
And not knowing if there's comfort in shadows,
Or trouble lurking in the corners,
Of her mind.

She grew up,
Over the years,
Hoping to make sense of things,
Of why she's unlike the others,
Who never seems to falter,
Constantly having those as eager,
To know and love them,
When she keeps on finding dead ends,
In the company of those she wishes to avoid,
As though she goes around looking for trouble,
When all she's ever done,
Was search for the one,
She could call her own.

She grew up,
With ever blink of an eye,
She changed and built herself,
Upon the remains of her long forgotten past,
The ruins of regrets and lessons learned,
And as time flashes before her,
Her next steps were slow and steady,
Firmly grounded,
Yet her head held high,
Up in the clouds,
Where kingdoms of dreams,
Worked their magic,
Reminding her that she's writing a fantasy,
Not another tragedy.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Aug 2016
Lost is a place,
Between today and tomorrow,
For in tears I drown my sorrow,
The minute you stop the chase;

Lonely is the night,
When cold gusts and whispers,
Accompany my base desires,
Since you quit the fight;

Distance in between us,
A split second from day to night to day,
And every strike that ticks away,
Marks the moment you distrust;

Memory is but dreams,
A hint of what if and what was,
A semblance of reality with a pause,
When we're no longer on the same team.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Jan 2017
Tell me again,
How you fell in love with me,
This broken stranger,
A hollowed heart whistling,
Tunes of past lovers,
Who left without said goodbye,
Taking every bit of her with 'em,
Not giving her a chance,
To keep some love for herself;

So tell me again,
Please darling pray tell,
What was it about me that you find attractive,
Which part or missing piece did you fall in love with,
Was it the fact that I've no beating heart,
Or that it pumps ink and bleeds at your touch,
Writing prose, poems and haikus of gratitude only for you,
Because honey, that's all I'm able to do,
For I've nothing left to offer,
Nor do I have anything to give to begin with,
As I was robbed of my care and trust,
Honestly love,
I'm not sure if there's anything left,
Much worse if it's enough;

Now will you tell me again,
How your feelings develop,
Or has it now slowly changed,
Dissipating with the struggle to understand,
Do I still entice you with my beauty that only you can see,
Or have you finally seen the lines that carved through,
From where my tears flow,
Wary of what ifs and what could be,
Do you still see me as that kind and tender soul,
Or have you finally encountered the darkness I hold;

Darling do tell me again,
If you meant a word that you've spoken,
How love came to you by your own admission,
And not because I was clinging onto you,
Not wanting to let go of someone new,
Someone whose soul feels true,
Someone whose heart beats like mine once do,
Someone whose caring ways transcends distance,
Someone who can show me what I've been missing,
Even if it's just for a brief moment,
Just as long as you tell me that you do love me too,
For I am irrevocably in love with you.

@byizn
This one's for you, Umar. I still like that name best, even if I don't call you that anymore.
Ili Norizan Nov 2016
And that's how you lose him,
Your ignorance,
Thinking it's bliss,
Your avoidance,
Thinking it's brave,
When he tries his best to make you
Smile,
Tell you it's alright to cry,
Make you believe you deserve,
Love,
Happiness,
And the whole world,
If he could, he would;

But that's how you lose him,
When you decide it's just a game,
Thinking he's another player,
Like the rest of them,
Even though they have different names,
And he's shown nothing but how he's not the same;

So that's how you lose him,
And you're the one to blame.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Feb 2018
I wanted so badly to cry,
Because it didn't feel right,
Since I should be seething with anger and drowning in melancholy,
But not a tear and not even the slightest fear,
Despite having chosen to disappear,
To let go of a good thing - one I hold dear,
Since distance I cannot bear,
For his absence is a cause of my despair,
Making me certain that love is a game where neither is playing fair;

So here I am at half an hour after midnight,
Trying to make sense of things in the only way I knew how,
Through words that bleed like ink of a broken penmanship,
From putting too much force,
When gentle strokes would've resulted in better flow,
Of thoughts and sense that says more,
About how feelings are not meant to be comprehended,
Through words that could easily be misconstrued,
Missing the mark with every character,
Because most only read what they want to hear;

Sometimes I kid myself into believing,
That perhaps I've always had it coming,
For I wear my heart on the sleeves of my favourite sweater,
As though it was the only way I know how to accessorise,
When fact of the matter is that I've other pieces worth showcasing,
That told more than just how I'm made up of feelings,
Too much in fact that I'm close to suffocating,
With hope that when I do there will always be someone ready to resuscitate me,
Taking me as his for all eternity,
Because I'm ready to jump rather than fall in,
Hoping to avoid the pain of breaking and entering,
A house I intend to make my home,
When there wasn't even room to rent in his listing.

@byizn
An old piece I almost posted as part of a Wattpad entry but decided it deserves a spot here instead.
Ili Norizan May 2017
Some days like today, 
I can’t help but wonder about my future.

Like, will I be married?
And if so, what’s he like?
Is he the type to let me take charge,
when it comes to designing our humble abode?
Or will he mind a little glitter and gold?
If I painted our bedroom walls black,
would he think I’ve gone mad?
And if I painted it bright pink,
will he not sleep in?

Some days like today,
I can’t help but wonder about my future.

Will my spouse be bitter,
if I’m just slightly better at building an IKEA furniture?
When there’s nothing good on TV,
will we spend the whole day doing nothing?
And if I ever published anything on paper in ink,
would he find it an enjoyable reading?

Some days like today,
I can't help but wonder about my future.

Will my hubby be a stern father,
to our beautiful sons and precious daughters?
Or will he be every possible fictional character,
to keep them company and ward off the monsters they read about,
in every piece of literature?
Will our children call him papa or daddy,
and I, mama or mommy?

Some days like today,
I can't help but wonder about my future.

Will our house be by the sea,
or tucked away in the hustle and bustle of the city?
Will I be a domestic goddess,
while he braves the brand new world like an amazing superhero?
And if things get tough,
will we both raise our hands in defeat or rough it out,
like how we would teach our kids?

Some days like today,
I can't help but wonder about my future.

But then I remember that present isn't all that bad either,
and come what may,
be there him or no one at all,
I'll be happy either way.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Oct 2017
He wasn't the first,
Definitely won't be the last,
But he left a huge hole,
A gap in my already broken heart,
For with him leaving,
He took a huge chunk of all that's left,
And I no longer know how,
Or if it's even possible to hold it together,
When everything's worn,
Torn,
Broken,
Beyond repair,
With no way to mend,
Perhaps maybe at the touch of another man,
Or only time can,
And frankly,
I don't even want to find out,
Unless of course if and only if it were to happen;

I took a risk,
Not once,
Not twice,
But every given chance,
And it was worth every bit of the pain,
But for now I'm trying not to bleed,
Even if it's just ink on papers torn,
For just about anyone to read.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Feb 2017
We learned to love,
At an age so ripe and young,
We can't quite figure out where we belong,
Is it in the arms of an angel,
Or in the company of the devil's advocate,
And time will only tell if we're in it for the long run,
Even though we are made aware that it'll expire,
This love - this feeling shall not transpire;

We learned to love,
Through rhymes and rhythms of the heart,
Played out by strangers and friends alike,
These souls halfway across the world,
That we relate so well with yet aren't mates,
Could we possibly feel the same with so many,
Is this really what it means to be,
In love with someone you could never see;

We learned to love,
In a moment of loneliness,
Hoping that company will resolve,
And send away our inner demons,
With their tails between their legs,
Back to the depths of alone and sappy,
But the more aware we are of reality,
We soon come to realise that truth is,
We'll always be by ourselves for all eternity,
In this life, we're granted temporary company,
But in the next we might and mightn't, oh what a tragedy;

We learned to love another,
Forgetting that the one needing it most,
Is the shell that holds our soul,
And yet we wonder when another loves us,
What could possibly be the reason he does,
When all our reflections show is a mess,
A perfectly crafted beautiful chaos,
Meant only for the one bold enough to brave through,
In this life, the next and until both is laid to rest.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Oct 2017
Love had a funny story to tell,
About this girl who always seem to find herself saying "oh well",
Because no matter how hard she try to not dwell,
Oh how the red flags are raised, ringing that one really loud bell,
But it wasn't because she was under a spell,
More because of how there's a quell,
Where even though she finds someone she'd gel (with),
For some odd reason things won't ever go her way for her to be all, "oh swell".

@byizn
Ili Norizan Oct 2016
The wind-chime tolls,
Whispering tales of old,
In the late evening so cold,
Answering the calls of a wolf howl;

A figure stood alone,
In the shadows of fear and fright,
For he but have only to hide,
Until the passing of the night’s grim tide;

Trees rustled in the distance,
As a hooded soul walks in silence,
Cloaked and shrouded in moonlight’s defiance,
He was unconcerned by the stranger’s appearance;

Lips of crimson red,
And eyes dark and seemingly dead,
She glanced at him with not a word,
But somehow he completely understood;

The wind-chime jingles,
While the stars dance a merry twinkle,
For two lonely souls with hearts so brittle,
Had found each other to slowly whittle;

It was a story with many a retelling,
And each of it with no happy ending,
For when love arrives two worlds start colliding,
Taking a toll on those involved like a spell rebounding.

@byizn
Ili Norizan Nov 2017
My voice is not meant to be heard,
And although we preach freedom of speech,
I am constantly silenced,
Every letter I've carefully strung together,
Will never see the light of day,
Rejected if not misconstrued,
Many have taken my words out of context,
Blowing things out of proportion,
That sometimes I feel perhaps I'm the one lacking imagination,
Maybe I'm just purely feelings and emotion,
For which I constantly bite my tongue,
Keeping the pain within my lungs,
Hoping to ease the minds of those around,
Forgetting completely that writing is my sanctum.

@byizn

— The End —