Have you ever felt tired?
If not others,
Of how you've changed,
If not this world,
And you can't quite put your finger on it,
But the only feeling is restlessness,
Weary of everything;
Have you ever felt lost?
Not because you're unfamiliar,
Or the place unknown,
Or the faces seem to be devoid of humanity,
For everyone struggles differently,
And you wear a mask to blend in,
So that you don't stand out,
In the crowd of lonely hearts,
Especially when you're all alone;
Have you ever felt broken?
Like these bones crack and break,
Under the weight of your own hurt,
When you keep on blaming yourself,
For even the smallest of flaws,
When you keep on picking at the scars,
Of all the past mistakes and faults,
As though you can't help it,
But to wrong yourself;
Have you ever felt love?
The kind that heals,
Not with a touch but a kiss of promise,
As he held you close and tender,
Telling you how worthy,
How beautiful you are really,
And you fear the reflection in the mirror,
Only to have him trace your well-intended heart,
That your pulse quickens,
With the urgency to be revived again,
As a new person,
Someone you once knew;
I have felt all of the above,
But most of all I've felt his love,
And I have been racking my brain,
Trying to understand,
What I could've possibly done,
To deserve it all,
Especially he who is so kind.
I know when I was born it was stressful; you already had two boys that needed your attention. But I needed you too and I know you gave me as much time as you could. You were busy I get it; that’s why you were never home. I’m not sure where you were or what you were doing especially late at night; but as long as it was more important than your children then it was okay right? Don’t worry you weren’t the only one to blame, Mommy wasn’t around much either. She was always working to make up for what you couldn’t supply us with. During the day at Home Depot and at night McDonalds, I know it wasn’t her dream job but you both started a family before either of you were ready. Mommy was the backbone of the family; she picked up the slack for all the things you seemed to lack. Because of both of your absences, this forced us to stay with our aunts the majority of the time; not that I ever minded, I love them so much and we always had a great time. But Daddy what you don’t realize to this day is what a girl without a father can turn into. Once you and Mommy split and the divorce was final I hoped day and night you would want a custody battle. Not because I thought you would be a better fit for us to live with but because it would have shown your kids you care, especially your little princess. Instead Mom got us during the week and you on the weekends but that soon ended when you met your new mistress. I was seven years old, and impressionable child and you walked right out of my life. Some parents pass away causing a child to become orphaned; but not you, you were in perfect health and perfect stature and you made the decision to leave. Do you even know how much I was hurting? Daddy you changed me and I don’t know if it was for the better. My father figure was PJ, my older brother, my entire world; if it wasn’t for him I don’t know who of where I would be today. But he eventually left me to however not for the same reasons as you. He went into the Air Force and did some good for his country; but that hurt to because after he left I felt truly alone, I had no one to tell all my secrets too. Nobody that I knew I could trust with my life. Daddy you’re the reason for all of my insecurities. You’re the reason I don’t see beauty or worth in myself; I look into the mirror and see a stranger staring back. I look into my eyes and I see you and that scares me so much. I don’t want to be you; but it’s inevitable. I don’t know the person I’ve become. I am afraid of myself and how is someone suppose to live like that? You’re the reason I can’t get close to anyone without the fear that one day without the least bit of warning they will just get up and walk away, I mean that’s how it works right? You are the reason I’m so quiet around people. You are the reason I’m fake. You’re the reason I have regrets in my life. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of and I lie to the ones I’m suppose to love. I want to believe that you leaving was a good thing, like Mommy always said you were a dead beat father anyway. But I can’t say that. You were absent for 8 straight years of my life. Not a single phone call or a simple text asking how my day was or even an I love you. And worst of all I didn’t even know where I could find you. When you finally came back into my life it was 8 years to late and all the money and gifts couldn’t buy back my love. Daddy, I use to say I love you every night and pray that one day you would see that light that Daddy I could be a good girl. I use to ask myself what I did wrong; why wasn’t I good enough? To this day I ask myself how can I be good enough for anyone or loved by anyone if my own father couldn’t even stand me? I know you tried hard to make up for the lost years but you are a stranger to me now. I don’t know who you are anymore and I don’t know what to believe. And Daddy you know what hurt the most, making Father’s Day presents in school. I never said anything but I always wondered who to give them to because I didn’t have a Daddy. But can I tell you a secret? Mommy’s not all that I thought she was either. Nights I thought she was working late and mornings when I thought she left early were all a lie. I found out now that she never came home the night before. She was out with other men as much as you were with other women. And Daddy after the divorce, Mommy would send us to our aunts again so that she could try to find a man to take your place. You both aren’t really all that different and i know you don’t want to admit it but you both care more about a sexual partner than your own damned children.
i'm pretty damn sure that i'm in love with you
and that's scary as hell,
i'm scared i'm going to lose you,
even though you say things to me,
you make it seem like you won't leave me,
but they always freaking leave me.
okay so we've only been together officially for a week
i've liked you for longer
and you've liked me longer
and this is so fucking scary
because last time i felt like this-
no last time i thought i felt like this it was
a disaster. but then, everything with you
is so refreshing and wonderful and perfect.
different. maybe my friend is right and it's just
because i've had bad taste in guys and you're
just legitimately good.
but there is nothing that's "just" anything about you.
everything about you is so so so so so (!!!)
so i'll keep this love in my chest for now, i guess.
(but one day i'll say it and it'll be wonderful.
one day i'll say it
one day i'll say - )
I am tired of being told what I should and what I shan't.
And I know this platform isn't for ranting and yet here I'll rant.
I am sick of being empty, aimless, vague and out of place.
I am sick of wasting all your air, of taking all your space.
And my claws, I use to tear my skin, so that I could be set free,
And my screams I let out muffled and hushed to spare you my agony.
And my body feels imprisoning, my breath is getting faint
And my eyes are melting, face is welting, dying from the paint
And the bathroom doors complaining from the numb and from the tear
And my psyche getting tired of all the sorrow and the fear.
And the voice inside my head, always saying I'm not enough
And the lies I tell myself like "you can make it, you are tough."
And the people I looked up, lived with, shared with my days
And the lies they taugh me, unconditional love, they said, stays.
And the God whom I once worshiped and for whom I often cried
And the deaf, the blind, the disabled, to whom he's closely tied.
And the fact that I am beyond your repair, beyond all that can be done
And the way I feel at the start of each day and with every falling sun.
And the creature biting on my heart at every given chance
And the demons sitting in my head, not letting me advance.
And the love I always had, different faces every while
And the feelings that I gave away and never even got a smile.
This is not a ranting place, and yet here I wrote.
Is this a good place though to write one's suicide note?
There are so many people who do
and say controversial shit only in order
to gain the public's eye.
Not only on YouTube, take a look at that woman
who goes on Twitter and starts beef
with popular celebrities just so her name is in the news.
Tila Tequila is always posting the most
inappropriate crap, and I'm not talking about tits and booze,
I'm taking about praising Hitler and mass genocide with passion.
Look at basically every successful politician
with the power of swaying the masses with
only a few words - I'm pointing at you Donald Trump.
It's fucking disgusting the lengths people can go
to get publicity, because as they say,
any publicity is good publicity, right? Wrong.
It only works because we
highlight it and glorify it,
people take sides and
the only thing left is a divide.
The only way to really stop this kind of
hate-spreading, fear mongering, classlessness
is to stop talking about them.
To completely shut them out.
But I know that's impossible, because
ridiculous as it sounds, there are going to be
people who agree with them, who will
glorify them and put them on pedestals
for being true to their cause.
So then what can we do?? I guess we continue
talking about it... and the loop goes on.
Humanity isn't lost, it was never there to begin with.
This is the way of humans, there's always been
the ones like Polandbananas and Tila Tequila and Donald Trump,
and there always will be. But I want to believe
that the number of people with the capacity
to love and begin the change
is greater than the number of people
who are too set in their ways
to be persuade.
What do you think though?
"Would you like your groceries
bagged in paper or plastic?
will you be paying with paper,
Rock paper scissors
has been replaced
Neither have intentionality.
No matter how far you try to move
away from synthetic
you're still drinking out of plastic
eating out of plastic
driving, walking, buying, shitting
out mounds of it.
You put your plastic in plastic,
leave it outside
until a man swings by
throws it into a pit
with all the other wasted shit
for all eternity.
Would you rather melt or burn?
Bankruptcy is a hard lesson to learn
But the ashes of this economy have been
Touted as prosperity
Instead of resigned to an urn
To relearn the transparency
As it should be.
I'll trade my plastic smile
For a fistful of paper
I'll exchange it for something physical,
Something somehow better,
Sans the improvement.
The reanimation of the market
The dream land.
“Build your monopoly
Crush your enemy”
Oops I mean your neighbor
They're all the same
in this day and age.
Community has been sold
for pennies on the dollar.
Now we’re fighting tooth and nail
To be the one
wearing the shock collar
I have the most likes on my photo
This minor annoyance
has become my addiction.
I’m shopping and sharing
And living within this tiny television.
This is post apocalyptic
You just can't see it
Because you're living in it.
Things are better, yes
But 6.7% of Americans are diagnosably,
37% are oppressed
44% are over stressed and
81% are in debt.
Let me just say this now
From my white-privilege-podium
That keeps all adverse effects
Of free speech
From touching me
Fuck this corporate greed
that grinds itself down
and repackages itself into
“The American Dream”.
and fuck us, right?
For thinking anything here was free.
To the man with the comb-over,
I resent you.
For the way you talk about women,
Speaking of us like property,
For taking away our choice,
Of if we want to conceive.
To the man with the loud mouth,
I ignore you.
For shooting down people’s words,
Putting a lock on their mouth,
And interrupting them with your nasally
To the man with the twisted morals,
I abhor you.
For the families pushed out of the country,
By the wall in your heart
And the one you want for your country.
To the man with all of the power,
I fear you.
For the lies you tell,
You reek of deceit.
For how you make war,
Or peace, if that’s what you want to call it.
They say that laughter's the best medicine
They say big feet on man means big dick
They say Donald Trump's going to end the world
They say when life gives lemons, make lemonade
They say hope breeds eternal misery
They say happy wife happy life, happy girl happy world
They say you don't know what you got till it's gone
I say, who the heck is they?
your chest pops out a bit more I see
and you got taller
as you jokingly mentioned I must have shrunk
and while you're at it, you must have got some
while you know I'm left in the dark
and while you're at it, I see you didn't shave...
though you wanted to shave anyway..
someone else must have got your ego up
and while you think you're the victim
don't think I didn't notice
your struggling for words to find me a compliment
while you asked why my hair was half done...it was not, you prick
you're just a cocky little bastard now