I thought I could take it
and so I endured.
I thought I could make it
and so I went on.
Dismissing each thought
each farewell suggestion.
Little did I know
I was not that strong.
I've been good and I've been behaved.
I haven't had an idea like that for even more than days.
But somehow recently, I have been thinking,
planning once more,
my life which is fleeting.
I don't know why it's hard to tell others,
hard to tell those who you love and vice versa,
They tried asking when they seem to catch me,
but it doesn't seem that they take me seriously.
I'm just that extrovert who's had a bad day.
Doubtful it seems for me to wish myself away.
Some people have it worse and say I can't complain,
but this time it's different,
cause maybe you can handle it but this is my pain.
Stop calling me dumb,
Stop calling me intimidating,
Stop calling me walang hiya
please, stop calling me big,
It's not exactly a compliment,
so please stop saying it.
I thought you understood me
though maybe I'm at fault here,
for I could never show my feelings
as clear as my streaming tears.
I'm so sick of being told what I can and can't do.
"You can't do this, try this instead."
They aren't asking me; they're telling me.
I don't want to do that, I want to do what I said I wanted to do before.
Then I'm told that I am an ungrateful bitch, a spoilt brat, a miserable cow,
When in reality I'm not.
I'm not an"ungrateful bitch".
I'm not a "spoilt brat".
I'm not a "miserable cow".
I'm a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants, and is constantly told "no".
I need coffee
Before this coldness leaves my feet
Or the snowflakes fall any freer onto the city streets
I need such coffee inside of me
Because without it’s joy and prolonged warmth
I cannot be alive and well
Let alone this representation of me
So do not question before I wake
Just pour the coffee for goodness sake
And if I must make it myself
I will with a vengeance, a sleep induced will
Though once I’m awake I’ll wonder still
What dependency is this which I’ve built
The need to mix my water mixed with beans
Perhaps not the coffee, but it is the caffeine
Which gets me out and wakes me up
So that I might not feel asleep
As I am driving these winter roads
Saying dearest coffee would you please
Wake me so that I can feel at ease
I realize that questioning your purpose is a part of life. But it breaks my heart to see so many teenagers and young adults, or really anybody for that matter, truly believe that they mean nothing—that they are nothing. One thing I’ve really begun to notice is how much light we lose from the time we’re very young, to the time we’re in highschool, to the time we’re elderly. Something in us just goes out. That spark dies.
But I don’t believe that. I don’t even believe it when I say it. How can a piece of ourselves just simply vanish? It doesn’t make sense.
I don’t think it’s gone. I think it’s just lost.
Remember those days as a kid growing up? And I’m not talking about the happy-go-lucky, hopscotch, high-fiving kind of days, nor am I talking about the sunny, swingset, sugary sweets kinds of days. I’m talking about those days where you truly felt alive. Those days where you had this empowering feeling of happiness and those days where you could honest to God look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I am living a life that I love.”
I don’t know about you, but I am willing to do anything to feel that hopeful and that invincible again. Even if it’s just for one day.
I think one of the biggest problems we all have as people is that we don’t know how to be equal. We don’t look at someone above us and strive to raise ourselves to that level. We strive to drag them down to ours. It’s like...human nature to compete. And that frustrates me. The question always seems to be, “What will everyone else say/think?” Not, “What do I think/want?”
And I think that’s a big reason why we see that shift in ourselves and our attitudes. We lose ourselves in everybody else. We don’t ever do what makes us happy, so we never feel happy. But who cares what anybody else has to say about it? Who cares what anybody else’s opinion is? You do what makes you feel fulfilled and whole and complete until you are fulfilled and whole and complete. And one day, you’ll wake up, and you’ll see that their words don’t mean anything. They never did. They never will.
And I hate that we as humans are so capable of tearing one another down. I hate that we have so much power and we use it in such a negative way. I hate that we learn so much from the hard times and so little from the good ones.
I just want people to remember these things when they feel sick to the stomach about life. Just because you lost something at the bottom of your bag, doesn’t mean it’s not there anymore. We all have a purpose. You just have to find it again. You may have to find it many times again.
But you are not nothing. You never were, and you never will be.
I love how the buildings bathe in the morning sun,
The gold and glimmer of hope,
The shimmer and ray of what could,
And in the mirrored reflection,
Caught on windows and thresholds,
I saw myself smiling,
Like the bright-eyed child,
Full of promise and trust,
Not quite naïve but innocent,
Curious like a kitten,
Looking for a distraction,
In the forms of many kinds of fun,
Even if to others it was a bore of a chore,
For I was that girl who loved routine,
Knowing everything and that sense of the familiar,
Where nothing could surprise me,
And I would not be easily offended,
Taken aback was something I only started doing,
At the age of twenty-one,
Or was it really when I was so done,
With the fact that leaving high school,
Meant leaving the physical place in which I learned,
For the jocks and snobs and nerds and pretty girls,
They grew up too like me going on into reality,
Of the concrete jungle in the big city,
The capital of money and sobriety,
Where it's glitz and glam in grids on the Gram,
But the twittering said otherwise,
Oh how were we so blinded by the rise,
Of growing pains and pangs,
Falling in and out of love with ourselves,
As much as we crush upon potential lovers,
None of whom were suitors,
Just mere flings to keep us company,
While we ourselves figured out an escape,
For there's nothing more that we despise,
Than that of the lies, we keep telling ourselves,
That this life is the best,
That I'm happy where I'm at,
In this career or otherwise,
But still, we cry ourselves to sleep at night,
Sometimes sobbing during the day,
In bathroom stalls like ghouls,
Thinking what could've possibly gone wrong,
What'd I do to deserve such a test,
And how could I a top scoring geek fail miserably at best,
Yet we see it again this endless cycle,
As the sun paints a masterpiece in the sky,
Melting away all the tension of the day,
As it slowly dims then darken your way,
Telling you to go back to sleep,
To keep the dream alive,
For I do love how the sun paints the town gold,
Early in the morning,
When all is quiet and lonely,
A kind of peace that feels like it's not all bad,
This life could really be a sanctuary, maybe.
Have you ever felt tired?
If not others,
Of how you've changed,
If not this world,
And you can't quite put your finger on it,
But the only feeling is restlessness,
Weary of everything;
Have you ever felt lost?
Not because you're unfamiliar,
Or the place unknown,
Or the faces seem to be devoid of humanity,
For everyone struggles differently,
And you wear a mask to blend in,
So that you don't stand out,
In the crowd of lonely hearts,
Especially when you're all alone;
Have you ever felt broken?
Like these bones crack and break,
Under the weight of your own hurt,
When you keep on blaming yourself,
For even the smallest of flaws,
When you keep on picking at the scars,
Of all the past mistakes and faults,
As though you can't help it,
But to wrong yourself;
Have you ever felt love?
The kind that heals,
Not with a touch but a kiss of promise,
As he held you close and tender,
Telling you how worthy,
How beautiful you are really,
And you fear the reflection in the mirror,
Only to have him trace your well-intended heart,
That your pulse quickens,
With the urgency to be revived again,
As a new person,
Someone you once knew;
I have felt all of the above,
But most of all I've felt his love,
And I have been racking my brain,
Trying to understand,
What I could've possibly done,
To deserve it all,
Especially he who is so kind.
I know when I was born it was stressful; you already had two boys that needed your attention. But I needed you too and I know you gave me as much time as you could. You were busy I get it; that’s why you were never home. I’m not sure where you were or what you were doing especially late at night; but as long as it was more important than your children then it was okay right? Don’t worry you weren’t the only one to blame, Mommy wasn’t around much either. She was always working to make up for what you couldn’t supply us with. During the day at Home Depot and at night McDonalds, I know it wasn’t her dream job but you both started a family before either of you were ready. Mommy was the backbone of the family; she picked up the slack for all the things you seemed to lack. Because of both of your absences, this forced us to stay with our aunts the majority of the time; not that I ever minded, I love them so much and we always had a great time. But Daddy what you don’t realize to this day is what a girl without a father can turn into. Once you and Mommy split and the divorce was final I hoped day and night you would want a custody battle. Not because I thought you would be a better fit for us to live with but because it would have shown your kids you care, especially your little princess. Instead Mom got us during the week and you on the weekends but that soon ended when you met your new mistress. I was seven years old, and impressionable child and you walked right out of my life. Some parents pass away causing a child to become orphaned; but not you, you were in perfect health and perfect stature and you made the decision to leave. Do you even know how much I was hurting? Daddy you changed me and I don’t know if it was for the better. My father figure was PJ, my older brother, my entire world; if it wasn’t for him I don’t know who of where I would be today. But he eventually left me to however not for the same reasons as you. He went into the Air Force and did some good for his country; but that hurt to because after he left I felt truly alone, I had no one to tell all my secrets too. Nobody that I knew I could trust with my life. Daddy you’re the reason for all of my insecurities. You’re the reason I don’t see beauty or worth in myself; I look into the mirror and see a stranger staring back. I look into my eyes and I see you and that scares me so much. I don’t want to be you; but it’s inevitable. I don’t know the person I’ve become. I am afraid of myself and how is someone suppose to live like that? You’re the reason I can’t get close to anyone without the fear that one day without the least bit of warning they will just get up and walk away, I mean that’s how it works right? You are the reason I’m so quiet around people. You are the reason I’m fake. You’re the reason I have regrets in my life. I’ve done some things I’m not proud of and I lie to the ones I’m suppose to love. I want to believe that you leaving was a good thing, like Mommy always said you were a dead beat father anyway. But I can’t say that. You were absent for 8 straight years of my life. Not a single phone call or a simple text asking how my day was or even an I love you. And worst of all I didn’t even know where I could find you. When you finally came back into my life it was 8 years to late and all the money and gifts couldn’t buy back my love. Daddy, I use to say I love you every night and pray that one day you would see that light that Daddy I could be a good girl. I use to ask myself what I did wrong; why wasn’t I good enough? To this day I ask myself how can I be good enough for anyone or loved by anyone if my own father couldn’t even stand me? I know you tried hard to make up for the lost years but you are a stranger to me now. I don’t know who you are anymore and I don’t know what to believe. And Daddy you know what hurt the most, making Father’s Day presents in school. I never said anything but I always wondered who to give them to because I didn’t have a Daddy. But can I tell you a secret? Mommy’s not all that I thought she was either. Nights I thought she was working late and mornings when I thought she left early were all a lie. I found out now that she never came home the night before. She was out with other men as much as you were with other women. And Daddy after the divorce, Mommy would send us to our aunts again so that she could try to find a man to take your place. You both aren’t really all that different and i know you don’t want to admit it but you both care more about a sexual partner than your own damned children.
i'm pretty damn sure that i'm in love with you
and that's scary as hell,
i'm scared i'm going to lose you,
even though you say things to me,
you make it seem like you won't leave me,
but they always freaking leave me.
okay so we've only been together officially for a week
i've liked you for longer
and you've liked me longer
and this is so fucking scary
because last time i felt like this-
no last time i thought i felt like this it was
a disaster. but then, everything with you
is so refreshing and wonderful and perfect.
different. maybe my friend is right and it's just
because i've had bad taste in guys and you're
just legitimately good.
but there is nothing that's "just" anything about you.
everything about you is so so so so so (!!!)
so i'll keep this love in my chest for now, i guess.
(but one day i'll say it and it'll be wonderful.
one day i'll say it
one day i'll say - )
I am tired of being told what I should and what I shan't.
And I know this platform isn't for ranting and yet here I'll rant.
I am sick of being empty, aimless, vague and out of place.
I am sick of wasting all your air, of taking all your space.
And my claws, I use to tear my skin, so that I could be set free,
And my screams I let out muffled and hushed to spare you my agony.
And my body feels imprisoning, my breath is getting faint
And my eyes are melting, face is welting, dying from the paint
And the bathroom doors complaining from the numb and from the tear
And my psyche getting tired of all the sorrow and the fear.
And the voice inside my head, always saying I'm not enough
And the lies I tell myself like "you can make it, you are tough."
And the people I looked up, lived with, shared with my days
And the lies they taugh me, unconditional love, they said, stays.
And the God whom I once worshiped and for whom I often cried
And the deaf, the blind, the disabled, to whom he's closely tied.
And the fact that I am beyond your repair, beyond all that can be done
And the way I feel at the start of each day and with every falling sun.
And the creature biting on my heart at every given chance
And the demons sitting in my head, not letting me advance.
And the love I always had, different faces every while
And the feelings that I gave away and never even got a smile.
This is not a ranting place, and yet here I wrote.
Is this a good place though to write one's suicide note?