Its hopeless to dream.
I find everyday that passes...
That statement bares more truth than dreaming about hopeless fantasies.

Maybe I grew up?
One could only gather.
Maybe I stopped giving a ****?
One could only ponder.
Or maybe it was the ice berg of truth that pierced through me...
Ripping my seams of dreams and love and my very naive fantasies to pieces.
One could only imagine.

Or maybe it was when..
You woke up one day...
And realized..
No one will ever love you as much as you love them.
People rarely if ever change...
Some people can't see their path of destruction... It will always be your fault...
They can never genuinely admit their wrong.
And they'll never come back
And lastly..
You accept..
Love is the scariest thing in this world and some people aren't capable of loving you as much as you love them or deserve.. No matter how much of yourself you were willing to give...
And that's just the way it is.

When I hear this song..
I picture us cruising at midnight..
Windows down..
Nothing but midnight air..
That pushes back my hair..
Not a cloud in the sky..
Just you by my side..

All my emotions are bare..
In this midnight love affair..
Your all I've ever wanted..
And...
In this moment its like our hearts smile in agreement
As you reach for my hand..

I can't help but look over at you...
As that smile warms me from the inside...
My eyes wear my hearts reflection...
as they search yours...
Is this real?
I'll ask the heavens a million times..
But until then..
I'll just go on ahead and love you...
Until the end of time....

Its going to be one of those familiar nights again...
I'm sleepy but I can't find my dream.
The one where I'm not searching..
Searching for you...

Sometimes I lie awake at night..
Hoping and praying this will all fade..
But each day and night passes..
and I still feel the same..

My dad was right you know...
When he called it a soul tie...
Its cruel really, if you think about it..
It can't be undone..

But that doesn't stop me from asking..
Those fundamental questions...

Why do I still love you?
Why do I still care?
After all you've put me through and everything you've done...
The irreversible pain you've caused me that cannot be undone.

Unfortunately for me...
These are not the questions and thoughts my heart seems to ponder..
For my mind sees everything of which my heart cannot bother.


Copyright.
of HappyEnding

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real when you woke up you didn't know what to believe? What would you do if what you thought was true wasn't, and what you thought wasn't true was. Would you retreat into your dreams with the hope of finding a more perfect reality? Sometimes life is stranger than a dream, and the only way to wake up is to face what lies are hidden in your soul. And you can only hope that in those moments of dark reflection, that you are not alone.

Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically…
To those who hardly think about us in return...
That are also sometimes so un deserving...

×××××××


In
My experience most people don't recognize the significant moments in their life...
While their happening...
They grow complacent...
With..
Ideas..
People..
Or things...

They start to take them for granted..
And its usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from them...
That they realize..
How wrong they've been..
How much they really need it...
And lastly...
How much they really love it.

Truth is still absolute.
Believe that.
Even when that truth is hard and cold, and more painful than you've ever imagined.
And even when truth is more cruel than any lie.

What happened to us?
I don't know who I am anymore...
Or how I got here...
I miss who I use to be...
I wanna have a home again...
You know?
With..
Real friends...
The kind of friends you use to believe in...
I miss that...
And I miss you...

I guess I just miss all of it...

Why are some days harder than others.
Why is it that today of all days it got a little harder?
Why of all days did I think about you and cry a little harder?

Maybe it's because I finally see you for who you really are.
Maybe its because I finally realize everything you said, did and felt was an out right absolute lie.
Maybe its because I finally realized no matter what moments we had shared together and no matter how special I thought they were...they actually weren't...

If you asked me what killed me more... I wouldn't have an answer.

How the **** do you tell yourself it wasen't real?
How do you tell your heart..
It was all a lie?
The love was all just onesided?
How do you tell yourself you have to forget?
You have to move on?
That even though your heart might be breaking....
His isn't...


Love has cursed me...
And so have you.

I'm glad you can walk this earth without feeling anything.
Never loving anyone.
Never feeling the excruciating pain of a broken heart.
The kind that  paralyzes you.
The kind that leaves a permanent mark on your heart.

I ******* hate it.

How I hate the word passion.
Everything it is...
It's awful sting...

It is the source of our finest moments.
The joy.
The love.
The clarity of hatred.
The ecstacy of grief.

Sometimes it hurts more than you can bear.
If I,
If we,
Could live without passion,
Maybe then we'd know some kind of peace...

But then again..
Without passion
I'd be..
We'd be..
Hollow empty shells..
Vacant empty rooms..
Locked away with nothingness.
Dark and dank...


Without passion...
I'd be...
We'd be..
Truly dead....


But then again..
Maybe I already am..

All you ever wanted was a free ride.
I see that now...
All I ever wanted was your love.
You gave it all away to start a new life.
I guess what I could give wasn't enough.


You left me cold....

When I think of you.

That song about mercy comes to mind.

I wish you had given me some.

Albert Camus once wrote, “Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.”
But I wonder if there’s no breaking then there’s no healing, and if there’s no healing then there’s no learning. And if there’s no learning then there’s no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?
Could I avoid it.. At all costs?

Happiness comes in many different forms..
In the company of good friends,
In the feeling you get when you make someone else happy.
Or maybe it's in the promise of hope renewed....

I keep telling myself...
It’s ok to be happy...
And I guess its because..
I never know how long my happiness will last...
××××××××××××××

Sometimes
pain becomes such a huge part of your life...
So huge in fact, that you just expect it to always be there...
because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t...

But then one day I felt something else...
Something that felt wrong only because it was so unfamiliar..
and it was in that moment
I..
Realized..
That...
I was...
Happy...

A family.
A bond.
Having the same goal.
Fighting the same fight.
Fighting poverty.
Within in the US.
We are men and women.
With a passionate heart.
An empathetic heart.
We join hands.
In this journey that
Has just begun..
To save the world.
One, block...
One town..
One community..
One state...
At a time..

We are Americorps Vista!

Ya know...
You shouldn't use words you don't understand...
Like..
Loss..
Heartache..
&
Hopelessness.

It only makes you look foolish.
Don't talk to me about things you've never experienced.
Don't use words you don't understand.
Don't sit here and talk to me about loss.
Because you don't know the first thing about it.


Real loss only happens when you've loved someone more than you love yourself.

Distance..
You know?
That thing I put between us.

Distance..

It saved me..
From you..
That forced wedge?
I could finally breathe again.

Distance..

Woke me up bran new.
No more knowing that your nearby.
No more pretending to be alright.

Distance..
Was my answer.
It's what I needed.
Its what
Freed me from you.

Distance made me realize I could do so much better without you.
and it also made me see the man you'll never be.

I'd rather be hard to love.
Than easy to leave.

Who am I?

I am...

Sensitive..
A day dreamer.
A believer in romance.
A lover.
A fighter.
A risk taker.

I am...

Empathic.
I feel people's pain.
It is a gift and a curse all the same.
I see light and darkness in people.
Love will forever be my weakness.

I am...

A woman with curves.
My eyes are a forest green.
My hair is curly, bouncy, and never stays in place.

I am...

Shy.
Sarcastic.
Stubborn.
Loyal.
Devoted.

I love.

Pizza.
Puppies.
Scary movies.
Watching the sun set over snow covered mountains.
The sound and smell of rainfall.



Yes I am me..
As simple as can be.
I cant pretend to be something else.
I'm simply Chelsey.
So please..
Take me for me..
Day dreamer,
A
Lover
And
A fighter...
But nothing...
More.

I am me.

I’ve seen honest faces before.
They’re usually attached to liars.

As I drove through a small town in oregon, I couldn't help but pull over and stop.
I don't know what came over me..
But I had to stop.
I got out of my car.
Stood next to a lonely and deserted highway.
And took in everything around me.
All the trees were different shades of red..
Some were yellow with hues of orange.
Simply put, it took my breath away..

I listened as the wind picked up..
I listened to the rustling of all the fallen leaves swirling around at my feet.

I listened to the stream that was nearby..
The urgency of water rushing over bolders and rocks..
Oh, My Beautiful oregon..
I'm going to miss everything about you.


It was a rare moment in my life where I felt completely conflicted...

This was my home...

How foolish of me not to realize I'd actually be this torn.

I knew that with me closing the final door and chapter on a part of my life...
That space needed to happen for me..
I knew..
I couldn't stay...
In beautiful..
Rich..
Intoxicating
Invigorating..
Peaceful..
Oregon.­.

It was this truth that brought tears to my eyes..
As I watched the sun rise...
It was a truth I guess I let slip my mind.

...
So I made a silent promise to myself..

I promised myself..
That someday...
Someday in the future..
I'd return...
To the only place I ever really considered home.

My Sweet Oregon.

I'm uneasy tonight..
And I couldnt tell you..
Why..

My skin crawling..
I'm uncomfortable...
I cant pin point it..
Where is this coming from..
I'm just uneasy tonight..
Maybe its because..
I know your there..
No **** that..
It cant be that...
I simply do not care..
Maybe its just today..
Maybe its all the **** I'm suppressing..
I've had one glass of wine..
Been awake since 3:40..
Maybe its surfacing...
The fact that I'm really leaving..
Leaving all this behind..
Its real..
It's happening..
I'm moving..
Its happening faster..
Than a blink of an eye...
I hate change...
I feel like I cant breathe...
******* its worsening..
Why did I drink that glass of wine..

Its time to lay down...
Digest..
What I cant seem to swallow..
Today has been nothing but hollow..
I feel panicked and sorrow..
I have to stay positive...
I need to swallow...
Exhale panic..
Inhale my sole purpose..
Remember that all my dreams..
I'm meant to follow...
But not here...
Not were pain lives..

Breathe...
Look forward to tomorrow...
Tonights horror is not meant..
For you to swallow.

I see you looking down..
Feeling like your nothing but a let down..
Have you lost your will?
Your will to carry on..
To put one foot in front of the other..
To get out of bed everyday...
To pretend in every way...
Pretend to give a ****..
Pretend to care about...
Anything and everything..


Are you searching...
Searching for anything...
To fill the void...
Fill the emptiness..
Fill the hurt...
Fill the ache from heartbreak..

Do you find yourself..
Trying to erase the guilt..
Erase the memories..
Do your failures play over in your
Mind like an old sitcom stuck on repeat...

Have you lost yourself...
Maybe even your mind..
Have you lost your smile..
Have you lost all hope...

Are you reaching for peace...
Reaching for solace...
Reaching for better days..

Do you hate it when people say..
I know how you feel...

Well I do...
And I'm sorry you feel this way..
Take it from someone who knows
Just how hopeless life can really get...
My message to you if no one has told you...

Life will get better...
Your life does in fact matter...
No matter...
Your color..
Your size..
Or gender..
If no one has told you..
Then let me...

Your beautiful..
Your worthy..
Your vibrant..
Unique...
Your situation is not who you are..
And it doesn't define you...
Your brave..
Your strong..
And your life matters to
Me..

I'll never understand you..
How can you look at me that way..
How can you be so mad?
I tried to tell you..
I tried to explain...
You say you understand..
But then you push me away..
Giving me the cold shoulder...
I know you're frusterated..
With me..

But like moth to a flame..
You always come..
Back to me..
Your touch is so gentle..
Your heart is so real...
You'd never purposely hurt me...
I know what you feel is real.

But I tried to tell you..
Im ****** up..
I'm black and blue...
I told you..
Love does not live here..
That ***** don't even visit..


I looked up into your eyes..
Bared my soul..
And told you..
I love you too..
But..
I had to go..
I had to spread my...
Wings..
And fly..


I know you promised me forever..
And I know you love me still...
The only thing I ask...
Is let me find me again..
I'm sorry it's selfish..
But for once in my life...
I have to be...

Ive let you in my world..
You saw first hand that it was...
all red and orange engulfed
With flames..

I tried to tell you...
There's nothing left in me...
but ash and a heart thats been burned...
Way too many ******* times...


So I love you...
Be patient..
Be with me..
But let me go...
Even if only temporary...

Time is my biggest issue right now...
I feel like my life is..
Forever on pause.
I hate this place..
I hate coming home...
I want my new life to start...
I want this place to become a distant memory...
A forgotten Atlantis city...
Swallowed up and buried..
By the raging sea...

If I could just speed up time..
This would allow my brain to sleep..
To regroup..
To erase all the fake friends...
Erase you...
Erase what I felt for you that wasent true...
Wasent real...
All I need is time to pass me by...
But...
Time is keeping me prisoner...
everyday testing me...
Is there no end..
To this hellish chapter?
I've won that long drawn out battle..
I've proven myself...
To God..
And everyone else...


I want to retire..
Let me close my eyes...
And sleep...
Forgetting all the...
Monsters and freaks..
That always seem to creep...
Let me bury this chapter deep...
So that I can..
Finally be free.

I blinked my tired eyes open...
One morning...
In September...
I felt instantly different...
Something that had been there with Me...
For so long...
Was gone...
Just like that...
That one morning in September...

I'll never forget that day...
The day I stopped loving you....

It was the first morning in years,
That my mind didn't immediately go to you...
It was the first morning...
I didn't feel that same dull ache deep... Within my heart...
It was the first morning l didn't cry...
Not even a single tear...
And it was on this morning that
I realized..
I finally let you go...


I suddenly just knew....
That I would never spend another night...
Comparing myself to the girl you left me for...
Over analyzing...
Sleep deprived..
Maybe even a little
Crazed...

Never again...
Would..
I..
Spend another day...
Looking...
Searching...
For something that didn't exsist...
No more hoping..
To find even a shred of evidence that you loved me...
Even if it was in the most tiniest of measures...

You know nothing of Heartbreak...
And how it brought me to my knees...
Worst fears realized...
I was nothing but a ghost...
Stuck in limbo...


I  hated you for a long *** time...

I remember...
Going back and forth...
Between my heart and mind...
Arguing over you having an ugly heart...
And no soul...

No soul,
Behind those beautiful blue eyes...
I didn't want to believe that...
About you...
Let alone let that be my last memory of you..

But what are you to do when someone leaves you in ruin?
What do you tell yourself?
What would you have me believe?
You left..
Nothing behind but grief...

I knew you didn't give a ****...
I know you still don't...
I know you feel some kind of validation in everything you've done...
And thats where we're...
Too entirely different people...
I could never do that to someone
I loved..

So..
You gave me no choice...
I let go when..
You forced..
Me..
To doubt everything we shared..
To question your feelings for me..
Cant you see?


To question...
The one person you once loved more than life itself....
It does something to you..
It's nothing shy of a hell...
I'd never wish on anyone...


It was the hardest battle...
I'd ever faced...
But I overcame it...

On that sweet September Morning...
I came alive again...
Because I let go...
Because...
I let you go...

Ive accepted you may have never loved me...
But I can't say the same..
So..
Before you even realize it..
I'll be gone...
And I want you to know that despite everything...
And no matter what you go through..
In life..
Without me...
If you ever one day in the far future.. find yourself..
Thinking about me..
On a cool summers day...
When the crickets begin to sing...
Know that you were loved indefinitely...
In the best way any person could ever be loved...
Even if that person...
Was simply
Just me...

This **** got me feeling some type of way...
And I felt compelled to say..
Swallow my thoughts..
******* words..
And if it's too nasty spit it back at me..
I want you to feel just how I feel..
I want you to know...
That if you let me...
You sure as hell wont regret me...
****, if you let me...
You'll never forget me...
Please don't act like you know me..
All you know is word of mouth...
That doesn't mean you know me...
All that means...
Is you know someones ****** up portrayal of me...


I feel like I'm on stage...
Performing in front of a bunch of clowns...
Talking a bunch of ****..
Cuz you've got me all wrong...
I'm aint no clown...
I know my name's getting tossed around...
My personal business is just in everyone's ears...

And At this point...
I'm just above all this ****..
My head is in the clouds...
I've been through it all...
31 years young and I've been through it all...
The fails, the falls...
Are you surprised??
I'm like Niagara...
look closely...
I got right back up like ******...
I'm still standing...

So, Stop trying to shoot me down..

How could you ever really know my story?
You've never been in my shoes...
Don't you know no one alive can always be an angel?
When everything goes wrong....
You see some bad...
I'm honestly just a soul whose intentions are good...

So go ahead...
Love me or hate me...
I swear it won't make or break me...
You have no idea where my head was in that battle...
I was just trying to stay ahead of my shadow...

Truth is...
I lost everything, but I ain't the only one...
Don't care what you try and say...
That's life...
That's just how the **** it goes...
I knocked, and hope wasen't there...
Love was gone but maybe it was never there...

So, who the hell are you to judge?
Didn't you know...
First came the hurricane, then the morning sun?

But its cool now, its fine...
I'm no longer angry...
I'm no longer floating like a boat without a paddle...
I'm just cool like LA nights...
Speaking nothing but truth to you,
high as a kite...

Sometimes when I'm alone..
My heart likes to **** with my mind and play movie stills of nostalgic ******* I have no patience to entertain anymore.

Actually...
lately when this ******* occurs, I replace it with the hell my heart tends to forget.

Like bullet points...
Sometimes its phrases.
Sometimes its things you did that were absolutely ******.
Or on that rare occassion where I start to miss you...
I simply use the last words I heard from you and that seems to do the trick.

You remember dont you?


I was desperate and afraid of losing what we had... Because I still believed you loved me..
Isn't that hilarious?
and I most certainly loved you...
So I reached out to apologize, face to face and I'll never forget what you said to me...
It makes me laugh now, because its pure evil but its like a ****** up tattoo thats never going away...

"My girlfriend wouldnt appreciate us meeting up."

It killed me at the time...
But its hilarious now, because I was your wife...

But its okay, and finally...
So am I....

I stopped missing you...
I stopped wondering what you were doing...
If you were sorry.
If you missed me.


It took me so the **** long...
I mourned you like you were dead...
But now when someone speaks your name, or I hear your car outside my window...
I'm indifferent and I never understood the meaning of that word until.....


I repeatedly, repeated that small little phrase to myself.

Isn't that crazy?
that's all it took....

And like magic...

Surprise!!!!!
I don't ******* care.

Every tear that ever formed in my eyes...
Everytime I'd entertain a memory of you.
Everytime I'd hear your name and feel as if I'd gotten the wind kicked out of me.
Everytime I'd drop to my knees because I couldn't bare to live without you or what you had done to me...

It finally just stopped burning inside me...
There's nothing left for you here my dear.
No old photos to mourn.
No more desperation.
Its gone up in flames and i'll never burn for you again.

What would your husband think about you leaving? Any kids?

"I don't have a husband anymore.... And no, no kids...there's no point anyway."

What?

"Loving anyone or anything.....
Feels great at first, but it always turns to crap. I know the truth about love.... Its a hell I'll never get out of alive."





No one does......

Wide awake at night.
I hold the weight of a heavy heart.
Numb to my core.
I can't bare this anymore.
Pain with every breath.
With each passing moment.
The gapping wound that is my heart, just  longing for you.
Tears cant fall but sadness seeps out, every pore.
I cannot break this bond between me and you.
I am lost in this world without you.
Stumbling, falling, reaching for you.
What was I to do?
You turned your back on me.
You turned your back on love.
I lay in ruin, drowning in the memory of you...the memory of us.
Cut me open, take what's left of my heart.
Take it with you. I don't need it anymore.
It will always belong to you.


My impulsive decisions to end us... keep me in a prison of regret.

So I cut myself open. Forced reason into this barley beating heart. Then Sliced deeper as I signed the dotted line.
All, Because I could no longer stand it. I could no longer wait. For you to realize...

Me...
Love..
Friendship..
Passion..
Our Fire...

But,
You never came.
I waited..
Silently, each and every night.
As my heart hoped for an impossible dream.

But that is what happens when one is naive.
Reality struck like a landslide of truth ripping me from my precious hope filled dreams, and it was in this moment that I knew....

You'd never come for me...

Lie awake at night.
Think about your life.
Is this the life you choose?
Always running, always hiding from the truth.
Will you ever be different?
I know I was only a game, and man, did you play me well.

It was all just a beautiful lie.
I was perfect in denial believing your feelings were real. That we were real.

How beautiful it was to believe all those moments that took my breath away were not real. How beautiful it was to believe you loved me. And most of all....How beautiful is reality when it all sinks in, that all this time I was being fed a beautiful lie.


Its time to erase this place painted with lies.
Erase all the pictures you painted of a love you said was real.
I'll be just fine.
I'll Hide behind an empty face.
I'll move away from this place.
I'll forget her face and the one you chose to take my place.

I'll move ahead, swift feet will carry.
Force distance and put miles in between us...

I know I'll forgive myself someday. When I can accept that none of what I felt or believed in was real. And on that day when my heart drifts back to you... Ill be able to forgive you too.....

Someday...

So you've hit rock bottom.

Have you realized it yet?

Have you caught your breath yet?

Are you learning to breath again?

I've watched from a distance. I watched it all unfold around you.

I've seen the ground crumble and shatter beneath your feet.

I don't call this karma. I don't rejoice in your suffering.

Watching life knock you to the ground is not something that warms my heart.

I want to reach for you. I feel that same pull on my heart and it wants nothing more than to pull you up on your two feet and to breath life back into you. To fill you again with a love that could bring you back to life....  

But my hand retracts...as the remembrance of your hurtful words come flooding back into my mind.

The dark cloud of memories soars in and circles me. The sleepless nights, the tear soaked pillows, the plague of emptiness and heartache. It knocks me off my feet and I'm torn.

What am I to do? You destroyed me, and turned me to ash.

So my love will remain here with me. Locked away deep for no one to see. Avoiding your blazing fire that has burned me so many times for getting to close.

I pray Gods Love lifts you up. And I'm only sorry it couldn't be mine...