All too often the question is posed :
What has happened to all of the " Real Men"?
Do they even exist anymore, or have they succumbed to extinction?

And the answer is no. They are still very much alive, just fewer in numbers. These days, if you happen to come across one, chances are you will find him at what, from the outside, appears to be him at his worst. After having been so beaten down by life, that he hardly resembles a man any longer. (Or at least to what your un-natural opinion of a man resembles) This, as a result of standing up for what is decent, fair and moral. You know, being a "Man", while living in a world void of any morality. But do you know?

Do you really have the ability enough to be able to recognize some one for whom and what they really are? Where do your eyes stop when they peer at someone? Do they penetrate through the car window? Past the $20 hair cut? Can they keep going, beyond the glare of jewelry and through the named brand distractions of the accessorized apparel? And even then, past the last line of defense for this facade, the camouflage more commonly referred to as body art. Which, just like any other item one don's for a masquerade, it sole purpose is to distract others from the truth of what little substance lies underneath the skin.

Those aren't real men or in many cases women either. A tattoo, or any other equivalent of artificiality can never be as honest as a Scar can be.
An Emotional Scar does more damage than a superficial one. A wound speaks more of the individual who bears it. Who's suffered the pain which came with it and who is constantly reminded by it. That is what true sense is derived from, Lessons.

However, when it comes to the moral Man's personality,
the world today & the people in it tend to push these types of individuals into corners. These types of "personalities" suffer to hold on to their integrity and pay terrible prices in order to do so. They sacrifice their security, their psychological state of mind & their physical personal comfort for it. And living in this world, for them, is like torture. So many have had the things and the people they fought for, loved and held dear, snatched away from them, just because they do, not what is easy & popular, but what is right. And these days, the difference between those three are worlds apart.

The lethargic effortlessness of life has made men like me, obsolete and replaced us with the self-serving Narcissist. No longer Gods creation  but a new creation of the self. Void of any empathy, understanding, sympathy or human emotion. Synthetic, and machine like, a Frankenstein incarnate. Look around out there and if you have eyes to see with, you will see that humanity has traded who they were born to be, for what is in fashion to be. They have given up the now elusive spirit of the human heart, for the abundant trend of the human ego. Take a closer look, it is like "The Walking Dead" out there. Mindless, heartless, merciless dead things, only doing for them selves. Consuming whatever they can, how ever they can & who ever they can, in order to stay well supplied and well hidden among'st the rest of us. Lying in wait to ambush us, victimizing us, selling us out, draining us like Vampires.
Men and Women like myself, start to feel as though we are the last human beings on earth, being hunted by these consumers. Always weary and uncomfortable. Going through life trying desperately to hold on to that which is real within us, so that decency does not vanish from our lives, by being chewed up and swallowed whole by a dead eyed world gone mad.

A horrible existence. This way of living/surviving is completely unnatural & brings with it a new type of loneliness & attached to that is the worst kind of hopelessness. A dangerous state to be in if one does not keep his wit's about him. And have the given sense enough to know, that If it were not for a God in heaven, there would be no hope at all. No reason to suffer un-popularity or ostracism. No reason to do what is right, over what is convenient . No reason to not just give in to the temptation of an easy life. A life where all that matters is numero-uno. Where everything else and everyone else is just secondary.

I would rather be alone & miserable for the rest of my life, than to be a self-centered, backstabbing, bloodsucking son of a b¡tch like the rest of you out there.

Now, getting back to these "Men" that so many our Women are attracted to. The men that keep letting you down time and time again. The ones who's possessions make them look like they are worth something, whom you so easily swoon over like some kind of hypnotized harlot. My dear sister, eventually those things get stripped away. Either by time or the trial's of life. And then what you are left left with is whatever pathetic thing was hiding underneath.

And that is what you get, for being led by your eye's, your hands, your ears and your selfish little minds.You listen to & are led by, every other part of your body except your heart, which is the Apex O r g a n over all others. Which has been given charge and authority, by The Creator himself over all of those other things you are always so quick to bow down to. And that is a d a m n e d shame. And that is your d a m n e d shame. And it is no one else's fault but your own.

You want to see a mans character or a woman's? Then look for their Scars. They will tell you what kind of survivor they really are. The kind that is self reliant or the kind that feeds off of the flesh of his brother or his sister to survive. The opportunist, The scavenger, The rat.

But thankfully, there is a God. One God.
And there always will be. And so the rest of the world can go on doing what it does, and taking what it can.
But it will never get what it wants, not from me. My individuality is my soul and it is held together not with pride, or greed, or vanity, but with integrity. And that belongs to Him. And when it is inevitably brought back to him, it will be brought to him intact, un-molested &
Immovable-

Your morbid reassurance to a impractical salutation hurts us both.
sleeping outside is gonna get us sick.
Your insecurities lead you to my confidence that sank us both to vulnerability.
Not only did you abuse my well being, you drained it.
Look at my victimizing face and tell me this isnt your fault. It takes two to devastate one.
We both deserve to sleep in the same bed
Come inside
We have a stoic endurance for each other.
You're not wrong for anything

Frenchie. there's a lot that i'll probably never tell you. either in fear that it will drive you away, in spite of the numerous times that you've told me you won't leave or run because the chance of something scaring you off is slim. or simply because it slips my mind. trauma, am i right? you say a lot, and i mean this in the best way.  you can talk, and you can tell me as many things as you want, and i'll never properly believe them because i've learned that words are ****. then again all we have are words, smiles, and through-the-phone, air-blown, crush-induced kisses that bring back memories, and yet rewrites them as something entirely new and, of course, much much better. something ours. i hope it's never given to another person, this sweet kiss of life, the final kiss of death, an angel brings me to heaven, enter whatever aesthetically pleasing line you want but it will never be as good as, "and so the lion fell for the lamb." haha. it's 11:16 pm, August 9th. and i'm laying in bed. for reasons i'll try to explain in a second, i'm tearing up, as i have been for a while. i think i first started tearing up the first time we called, which isn't so much a bad thing as it is a surprising thing. because it was a sad happy cry. it's similar to breaking a piece of jewelry that you really enjoyed, but then buying something much better. you loved that plastic, feeble, oversized, first love bracelet, but now you have a moonstone or (enter favorite gem) filled, perfectly fitted, wifey-made promise ring. you'll keep the bracelet somewhere, forget about it, find it again, and again, and again. discovering it under blankets, and pillows, and promises that we've tossed around ourselves. it will peek from inside my black coffee, in the dirt i praise, in the trees, in the music we'll listen to together. in the color brown, Frenchie, that's where you'll see, i'll see, we will see, that piece of plastic. dark brown, the colors of his eyes. my favorite color for the longest time. i don't want it to mean him, so it doesn't. but that's where it comes from. i'll find it, we'll find it, up until you get tired of seeing it, of seeing me see it, and take my hand, begging to throw it out. but, my to be discovered favorite gem filled, wifey-made perfectly fitted promise ring, it might take a while, with me quietly begging for your help, to get rid of him. not because i want to wear it, but because i horde emotions the way i horde stuffed animals. it's a labrinth to find the bracelet, we have no map and somehow we have to get from this forever smile to the closed-off corners of my mind, where even i, as it's supposed owner, struggle to collect, and comprehend, and conquer my horrid thoughts. but Frenchie, we laughed. and it was the first time in so long that i've been able to laugh with someone like that, and not worry, and not expect, and not be afraid. except, since we're here it's already obvious, that ended up making me afraid anyways. Random, but there's this song in my head right now. "make me behave like an animal." Sir Chloe's Animal, everything by Sir Chloe is absolutely incredible. but, let's continue. you may not believe me when i say this, but i'm scared out of my mind so entirely that every second between our conversations is an hour added to my inevitable future breakdown. how weak, and pathetic, and disgusting, i know. i have told you so many times that i can't like people, that it's so hard for me to connect to someone new, and yet it's day three and i'm imagining that i'll be happy if only you'd hold me, as if that's what you want to do, as if that will heal me, as if that should happen. as if i'm taking things slow the way i want to, and yet don't want to. if i could properly explain in words, i'd tell you with lengthy descriptions, both vastly and vaguely, calmly and excitedly, slowly and quickly covering deep hidden and obvious and in-between meaning, proving how desperately i want to be with you, be yours and you be mine, and how, ****, how i hope you don't **** me up. because all i can think when we talk is "****." you breathe, and, between each of your heartbeats, i figure out that i like you more, and more, and ****! the way your face looks so angelic when you sleep makes me just think "god, she's going to really hurt me. she's gonna **** me up, and chances are i'll thank her for it." to be hurt by you? that would be a blessing, and yet i'm shaking. what a interesting concept. i'm sure this is proof that i'm ****** up already. i keep bringing up the time. three days, Frenchie. Three. and that's it. that is literally it. that's all we've been. so explain, please, why the first few words you said had me ranting to my friends. please, tell me, how within a day, everytime your name popped up on my screen i would giggle like a child. please, explain to me, why everytime i talk about you, my cheeks hurt so much from smiling. i'm crazy, absolutely crazy, and i know my friends have to be thinking so too, because it's been. three. *******. days. but why? as in, why is that so bad? three days, what's so wrong with that? why does liking someone have to have a time? let me explain something that i've been thinking about. two years, on and off, thirteen breakups. that was Justin and I. roughly six months after the final one, i met you. "cause everytime you hurt me, the less that i cry." i'm way too good at goodbye's. i never particularly got that song the way i do now. had we stayed apart the first to the maybe fifth time we broke up, i would have took longer to heal. but it was time thirteen, so it was all expected, hurtful of course, but expected and so, it was almost boring. almost. it would have been if it didn't rip my heart out. i rebounded. hard. many times. many people. zero regrets. but this connection to you, sometimes i catch myself fearing i'm picking up where Justin and I left off. which, yes, is really toxic. but then i remind myself, this is how a good portion of relationships start. if i like you, i'll act like it. if i want to be with you, regardless if we just met, i should act like that. right? right, that's what normal people do. but we already explained i'm not normal. i'm ****** up, and i overthink. i'm ******* up. so ******* up that i can't hold eyecontact with you because i was "trained" not to, because i'm not used to, because it makes me nervous, because i hate the way my eyes look and i believe that you shouldn't have to look at something so disgusting. god here we go, i'm talking about him again. blaming him with my "trained not to" rather than blaming myself for letting it  happen. i let myself feel like that, i let myself bow down. that's on me, that was my weakness. admittedly so, yes. i'm scared of looking in your eyes. maybe out of submission. or maybe i'm afraid of seeing what i once saw in his. but truth be told, i think i'm scared of looking into anyone's. maybe i'm once again overthinking things and it's just regular anxiety. "regular anxiety," what an interesting statement that even I can't properly explain. and by the way, i never want to compare you to him, not even the good things. (just realized this entire thing is bipolar and has been written and rewritten to a point where the overdramatic stuff became simple conversation). but why not the good things? because i don't want you to be like him in any way, and i don't want to be with someone like him again. i realize that i will eventually, and might have already without properly realizing it, compared you to him. but, as i like to say, if i don't look at it, it isn't there. so we're not going to pay this any mind. there's so many things that i can say behind all of  this but my mind is going too fast, and it also just realized that most of this is literally so ******* stupid that i should shut up about, i was truly overreacting. maybe if i remember, i'll retype this until it sounds less crazy and obsessive. good thing i edit before i show, so yes i was planning on showing someone. but probably not a lot. only a few trusted people. but now that i read and reread i might just keep this to myself. not that it will matter if i explain, seeing as i might never show this to you, but it's nice to give this to a ghost of you, although it leaves my imagination running wild trying to figure out how you would respond. everytime i type something i want to rewrite it, and i have been rewriting it by the way, because there's no way in hell this captures a fraction of a fraction of the surface of how i'm hurting, even though i've been typing for almost two hours trying to find better words and longer sentences. this all sounds so meek and weak and pathetic in comparrison to the metaphoric erruptions and hurricanes and other natural disasters. haha. this doesn't feel natural. it's like i'm begging for attention, or manipulating you more. fun fact, he called me overdramatic, and manipulative, and tons of other things i won't get into, so i often use the words on myself. because it was and is accurate. i keep making myself out to be a victim and he said i always did that too, that i always victimized myself. he said it a lot. let me explain: i panic so much, i get sad over the smallest things. for example, he was mourning over the death of his mother and started yelling at me and wouldn't tell me that he loved me back, which i shouldn't have gotten mad over but i did. he told me "jesus, i can't even ******* miss my mom without having to make sure you're not having one of your episodes." of course i apologized, and tried to fix my issues myself when he got tired of me or in general and hung up. literally, believe me. i'm so ******* sensitive and it's annoying and i'm annoying, i'll never understand how i got the amazing friends that i do. Apollo knows that i don't deserve them. and please ******* please, i just want to stop crying because it hurts so bad. but after writing it down i feel so much  better. i stopped crying, this is part of my editting by the way, and i feel much better writing to you, ghost Frenchie. but really. it. hurts. so. bad. so bad to a point where my heart seemingly stops, i'm left breathless and NOT in the best of ways. and then said heart explodes. over. and over. and over. in milliseconds, again and again and again, all while the usual me laughs and tries to make my eyes look lively, you might get this but there's so many hours of the day where i hope no one can see the pain i'm in. because i literally have zero ******* clue how to explain the way that i feel. eeehhhh, how edgy. i'm sooooo misunderstood haha. when it hurts, my jaw clenches, i'm no longer in control of my breathing, my head hurts, my brain becomes helium and all i can think is "fuuuuuuck." but ****, as well, because. "i don't wanna be your friend, i wanna kiss your lips." i just want to touch you, and lay on top of you, legs around your waist, snuggled into your neck, breathing in your scent and finding shelter in it, listening to you sing whatever song you put in the background, the smell of **** and cigarettes and us. and beg you please, between each kiss, each time my hand finds yours. please, promise ring, please, please. please. learn how to love me. love me, please. heal me. please fix me. please make me okay. because i'm not. and i haven't been. and i don't know if i ever will and, ****, i swear i'm calm now. but knowing that, knowing that i will never be okay? that hurts worse. because it's proof that i'm aware i'm nowhere near good enough for you. i added on to Justin's issues. I don't want to add on to yours. "But J, remember, I told you that making sure you're okay is giving me something to take off of my life." but you need to focus on you, i can't just take all of your attention. i know that seems like i'm wanting you to tell me "i want you to have it," but that is literally the way i feel, please don't tell me that. i want you to drink water, and eat, and call me. god i feel awful for not calling you today, holy absolute wow. Frenchie, you're hurting on your own without my added everything. You deal with so much, you've dealt with so much, from your birth to the girls and boys of your past, and **** it. ****. we're talking and i should make the most of it, but i really just want to make you okay. i lied to you, y'know. you asked me about my best quality. i told you that i gave good advice, but truth is i probably don't. i think that my best quality is that i make jokes out of everything, i try to make people laugh all the time. that's not always a good thing. last time i texted, i said something about holding you and giving you a watermelon to make you happy. that might have ****** you off. truth is, i doubt there's something only seen as good in me. there's always a second face to everything that i am, i'm a two faced, four faced- no no. twenty faced *****, and not even like a bad ***** i mean like. little ***** baby type faces. and i know for a **** fact that your life has been worse than mine, Frenchie, my issues are literally nothing compared to yours. so, once again, i can't let you add my issues to your own, and yet here i am pouring myself out and begging ghost you to fix me. i mean what you don't read can't hurt you, but something tells me that i want to give it to you. everytime i think about showing you this, i cringe. because jesus three days, man, and i'm writing this absolute *******? and yet i can't just stop. i can't just leave. i'm too selfish for either of those. i have **** to say, and call it growth but i'm gonna ******' say it! y'know? someone's gonna read it eventually. half of me hopes that they send it to you without my permission, but the fact that i'm writing this out proves that it's more than half of me that hopes. and yet the thought of you reading this makes me wanna swallow rat poison. i can't just let you free, y'know? give you the chance to run without wanting to grab you by your legs, pull you back, breakdown and just ******' scream that you're mine, MINE MINE MINE, until you feel sorry for my hoarse voice from crying, scared because now you know, now you ******' know, Frenchie. the opening to run, the ability, it's here, it always has been. but you won't take it, you won't, will you? will you? no, i don't think so. because you've been through worse, because you want to convince me i'm not as bad as i make myself out to be, because you're not afraid, because "it takes a lot more than this" to scare you. don't you see? i'm manipulating you into liking me, Frenchie, i am. i know what to say, how to say it, i read people, i get under their skin, and then i play victim when they flee my spiders web. and i love it and hate myself, haha! ******* ****, please, ****, oh, please, like me. oh, Artemis. please. i want to try, and i will, but, seriously, don't. do not trust me. don't love me. don't like me. run. please. please. you shouldn't, i'm not good, i'm really not. and no one gets that. i'm the Jerry of the world, people are attracted because they feel sorry for me. that's my magnet's secret. pity. **** it. listen, i'm proud and upset at the fact that i'm doing this to you. i've admitted it, dearest Ghost Frenchie, and yet continue. because in the ways that i want to show you my crazy, use it as a "please help me" and keep you here, i do actually want to try for you. read that as many times as you want, I want this. I want to try, but this is my warning that maybe no one will read. this is an entire universe of new things and old things i haven't or thought i couldn't feel. i've thought about it, and i've almost done it, but i can't block you, save you, and leave it at that. because i actually want to try and be good enough. i had cried to my friends saying that you would hurt me, but i wonder if i'd end up being like your exes and just be more proof that you don't need that this world is ****** up. oh wow, there i go again with my manipulation. just. ****. i want to be with you, even though i don't deserve it, even though i have no right to, even though i know that you, lovely butterfly, have a life ahead of you. though small, i'm still a spider. this has been on my mind for so many hours that i've spent typing this, but i should have said so much more to you when you told me that you were having a bad night. you admitted that you were too stressed to even eat and that you didn't want to take it out on me, calling wouldn't be a good idea because you didn't want to snap at me. can i please just say that, good Aphrodite, the fact that you're humane enough to say that, to warn me, means so much. you don't want to take it out on me, you didn't know for sure if it would happen but you wouldn't even let it happen because? ****, because you're, ****,  you're a good person. you care about me already, and that's so ******* heartbreaking and heartlifting at the same time because, AH! ****, she LIKES me? likes, me? likes. me. Frenchie. likes. J? and at the same time. why? Frenchie seriously likes J? Haven't they warned her? i almost didn't text you, i almost just left you on open, just so you could come to me when you wanted to. i don't know why, but i responded. sort of like a puppy, y'know, that's just been yelled at. or, rather since you have cats, a kitten literally just purring and rubbing themselves along you even though they clawed your wall and you screamed. i was hesitant, but i knew that you'd try to be nice, i think? truly, i don't know my reasoning behind that, but you responded anyways. and maybe i'm wrong, but you sounded so soft and it made me smile. because you were trying, and it's dumb that i have to say that but, relationship wise, it's been so long since anyone has TRIED. when you leave me on opened or when you don't respond, my heart drops. which isn't to make you feel bad, because i know you're either frustrated, or busy, or it's a habit, but it scares me. because, again, three days??? and yet you leaving for a little just freaks me out. also, allow me to admit this. while we called, i have reasons for why i'd wake up everytime you moved. i was scared that i'd wake up and you'd be gone. not to be creepy, this is supposed to be romantic, but at least twice i remember waking up, and you were asleep, and i looked at you. god, you're literally so beautiful, Frenchie. you're literally so unbelievably gorgeous that the sun pales in comparison to your radiance. can i say more depressing, Justin related things? i shouldn't, because him being mentioned is literally making me look worse, but i never really feel up to talking about it with anyone besides, well, you. talking about exes with you, it's just, comforting. you telling me you were having a bad night gave me these wretched flashbacks and- oh, ****! this isn't meaning never tell me, like, please, please, always tell me, just, uh, let me explain cause, uh, ****, oh, Hades, it hurts. it's dreadful, really. he, uh,  he would get upset about something, or really anything that he could think of, and uhm. just, haha, stop talking. for uh, for literal hours.. and hours. and hours. out of nowhere. i wouldn't know why, so i'd blame myself and then i'd spam him, thinking that would make him want to answer and begin my whole, "please, don't leave, please, Justin, please, i'm sorry, i love you, don't leave, you're supposed to be my daddy, please, you're supposed to be mine," skit. i mean, see? proof. he couldn't deal with his own issues because i needed attention and reassurance. all. the. ******. time. i won't give excuses, he really just needed space. but space felt like a break, which sometimes he made for. but, right, for me, Justin was famous for his "just leave me alone's" and then the "i don't want this anymore" or "i'm really tired of you" haha. or it was the whole, "you're just not what i need in my life." or i mean "there's someone else" or, of course, haha, the, uh, last one, my personal favorite "we're just not compatible." like, oh, really? i mean, yesterday you hit me and told me that i was a ****, like? we're not? we? we aren't? compatible? wow, like, really? so, no future together? like, uh, oh! c'mon Mistah J!  ouch that hurt to say, but please laugh because haha, TRAUMA, am I right? but, wait? does that count as trauma? hm, i mean some of it was traumatic, right? wait hang on, yes. wait. being beat- ? well, not beat! i mean, like, i could still, y'know, move-? jesus **** what is wrong with me. i don't want to call it traumatic cause victimizing. haha, ****- but uh anyway. i'd be left trying to off myself in some petty way. because i felt like if he couldn't love me, if he, Justin Ryder, the long-legged **** who knew me better than anyone, couldn't love me, honestly, who would? "But, J like. you have friends!" yeah, i do, and i did then, too. but these lovely, amazing friends didn't come to mind the way they sometimes do now. sometimes. i mean, why do i feel like it has to be romantic for "i love you" to count. i say "i love you" to my friends all the time, honestly, because they need to hear it and i've lost so many people without telling them, y'know? but anyhow, right, no one came to mind. just him, and his lack of love for me. i mean, he was God. he was MY God. he was my world, everything, my reason to breathe, the reason i existed. i loved him. more than i've ever loved someone in my entire life. and, i mean, that's why i let him come back so many times, with open arms and apologies from me that should have slithered from his own serpent lips, the reptile. they rained from mine, eagerly, harshly, on repeat, no questions asked. he hit me, i apologized. he made a mistake, i said "i'll never do it again." i blamed myself for a lot of things that he did to me, gave excuses for him, too. y'know, the cliche "you don't know him like i do." god, i mean, i was right about that. no one knows Justin Ryder the way that i do. i hope no one ever does. Frenchie, dearest promise ring i keep referring to for poetic purposes, you asked me if i was over him. i am. i don't want him back. but if he ever texted or called, i'd break down, lose myself, hysterical hurricane J. not because i miss him, just because of the **** that i went through with him, Frenchie. it's small, y'know, compared to what others have went through. but it really, i mean, REALLY, made a huge impression. i don't want him. i keep saying that, everytime i do it becomes less believable but please understand that it isn't him, it's what he did. but **** there i go putting the blame on him again. Frenchie, are you over her? see, the fact that someone came to your mind means that sometimes you question it. unless you really just thought to yourself, "who, am i over who J?" maybe i'll never know. but you should know this. desperately, quite desperately, i want to tell you that your smile makes me feel safe. and i haven't been able to feel so safe from such a small thing in months, almost a year. because how could i trust his smile, y'know? even before the very end, in the middle, in the first time, how could i ever trust his soul-stealing smile? especially when i saw him making it at whatever girl he chose next or, funny thing, even during our time together. i want to explain to you, Frenchie, that i know you need space, and that, even though i realize that, i'm so terrified of ******* up the way i did with him. when i'm upset, i need to be smothered. not everyone is like that, i have to cope with it. haha, wow what a *****, i have to cope with your ways of coping, god i annoy myself. but. regardless of the amount of friends i have who assure me that, "J it wasn't your fault, Justin was the issue, J you weren't the toxic one" i can't believe it. i refuse to think that it was just him. another lyric so a song i enjoy "it takes two to toxic," i keep thinking of songs, but i think you understand that, too, my adhd love. i should have, could have, done better as a person for him. not saying that i regret not, but the fact that i could and i didn't? maybe i should have shut up, maybe i should have said more. everything was beyond the severity of walking on eggshells, which he said often that he had to do around me because, i mean, i've explained that. it's just more proof, you see, that i was too sensitive, proof that i should have been tougher, said less, comforted more. but didn't he know how he made me feel? that i was trying, truly trying my hardest? didn't he know that i loved him so entirely that i gave up my best friends so he'd look at me. didn't he know? didn't he? honestly, how could he have not. i worshipped the literal ground he walked on, didn't i? did i? or am i exaggerating again? should i have ran? yes, no. yes. maybe, or maybe he should have? i don't know. **** me, this? this really, this isn't about him. but it is. because he made my head all ******, the time with him anyways, cause once again it was me, too, and everything is like, oh, ****, a minefield or something. and i don't want you to think that i'm not over him. because i am. him, as himself, i'm over. but the way he made me feel, the experience, the way he changed me? i don't know. did i change for the better or the worst? i wish you could have known me before, maybe you would be able to tell me if the me that i am that now is better. but maybe if i knew you before, my time with him never would have happened. but i hate myself for it. "it" as in everything from the time i got with him to now, every word i've now spent almost three hours revising and rewritting, i hate myself for. that's what's ******, i don't even hate him for it or this, i literally just hate myself. i sound like such a ******* idiot for all of this,  but i'm not, Frenchie. i'm not. well, hang on, i mean i am. i'm a literal ******* *******. haha. but this is how i'm trying to explain to you, and if you ever read this maybe you'll get it. but, i want to make you happy. me. i want to make you smile more and laugh like you did, like WE did. and i know that i got attached so ****** quickly so my whole "it's hard to love people" thing seems fake. but it isn't. i can't. i literally can't tell you how hard it is. and this right here, this is hard, too. because i'm fighting with the "oh, J!! this is different" side of me and the "**** her, *******, everyone is the same" side. i'm pretty sure i told you this, but i broke up with my last girlfriend because she actually gave a **** about me. and it made me want to puke. when i did, when i left, she told me that she was in love with me. and i ran to the bathroom. and proceeded to cry, getting rid of my lunch and dinner, and almost just ended it right there because i thought, "****. if someone can love me, can say those three sacred words, to me? TO ME? i must be hiding so much from them." i just want to scream. yknow? to the world, to my friends, my family, you, that "i'm ****** UP IM ****** UP IM ****** UP PLEASE LEAVE" but "oh, gods, don't leave." please, ******* ****, if you're not ready, if you don't want me, please, tell me. if i'm too much, especially after all of this, holy ******* ****, please, tell me. because i can't take it. i can't. tell me now, these three days in where i'm confessing i want to be with you, that you can't. because i wouldn't be able to handle it much longer than from here. oh, **** yeah, it's going to hurt so much. i kept saying that i didn't want to like you. but everything draws me in, dearest Edward, and it ******* *****. it. *****. because i'm beyond aware of possibilities of the failure. and, yet, i couldn't be happier. in the middle of my frequent breakdowns, i'm so entirely full of joy. my mother tells me that i'm glowing from how entirely, like, happy i am. you're miles away, Frenchie, and yet you make me happier than i've been in a long, long, LONG time, dancing and singing around my room like an absolute idiot because i'm thinking, y'know, MAYBE. MAYBE THIS IS THE ONE. "J MAYBE YOU CAN BE LOVED, AGAIN. MAYBE SHE'LL LOVE YOU, MAYBE YOU AREN'T AS BAD AS YOU MAKE YOURSELF OUT TO BE." and everything looks so ******* amazing with you in the picture. and, still, i always ask myself, is this too fast? am i still not ready, still taking things too fast, should i shut up, am i hiding too much, doesn't she get my bipolarness and bpd? you do right, you do? oh ******* ****- **** all that, those last few questions are entire other things, and it's now 2:07 in the morning and i'm ******' done. the end done, I won't write anything else. except this. Frenchie, I know you love being called that, but there's something so entirely personal about being called by your name. sometimes I catch myself slipping on typing. maybe it was a mistake to tell me your real name.
frenchie.
sydney
a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet

I am currently in one of those moods where everyone who is happy and in love, or has any kind of adorable love-life I really would like to light on fire.

Dear beautiful couples, please get your sickeningly cute relationship out of my sight before I *****! Can't you see I'm busy being bitter and lonely and spiteful?!
Sincerely,
The girl in the corner with the chocolate and the ice cream crying bitterly and insanely yelling crazy (slightly terrifying) things at random happy couples passing by.

I am so jealous of some girls it is actually pathetic and I know that jealousy makes me a pretty bad and petty person, but I think it would actually make me a worse person if I weren't honest and denied being jealous of them. I think that jealousy is just a different kind of pain that you are not allowed to feel because society stifles it, and that is not fair. Anyone else agree with this? Idk, maybe I'm the only one. I just think that as long as you are not "getting revenge" or "acting on your jealousy" or whatever it is perfectly normal to feel jealous and it should not be seen as agony, not a negative feeling that makes you a bad person if you feel it.

There is this guy and even though I don't really like him anymore, he and I are still chatting a little and I see his ****** exgirlfriend every fcking day and I hate her. Anyway, I just feel like I can never be like her and I feel this sense of competition between us everytime I see her because the guy I was talking about dropped me for her when he thought he had a chance to get back together with her and I hate being the "Plan B" and I hate him and I hate her and I hate feeling this much hatred and I hate myself for not being as badass as her, as pretty as her, as cool as her, having an original taste in music that is more similar to his as her, I hate myself for caring this much, I hate myself for being so much less interesting than her, and I just really feel worthless and like I am nothing compared to her. Also she is popular. I apologize if this offends anyone but since I had bad experiences with the popular crowd a while back (a lot of stuff I guess some people might call bullying but I don't want to sound like I'm victimizing myself), I just loathe the entire "culture" and society of "popular" people everywhere. I recognize that is an extremely biased, discriminatory, offensive, narrow-minded and pathetic, generalizing point of view, I just have really scarring experiences with them and I don't even care anymore. Anyway, she is extremely well liked by everyone and she is dismissive of poetry and the art of writing which offends me and she is just really... physically beautiful. Do you have any idea what I would give to be pretty like that? I can't compete. I may as well give up. Sorry for the rant this was a lot longer than I actually realized while writing it, I just needed to get this out I'm sorry.

It is kind of getting worse and I am starting to wonder if maybe I should get tested for dysmorphia. Just to ease my mind about the matter... but I'm scared to find out. If it is a no, then I'm glad I don't have a mental disorder but that means I really am a hideous beast and I really need to get some kind of operation or something to fix my ugly face, then if it is a yes, I have a mental disorder and I really don't want to deal with a disease of the mind because it hurts a lot to hate yourself this much.

I have too much work to do and too little time I'm panicking there is no way I am going to be done.

I have no social life.

I want chocolate.

I need to stop trying to resolve things with chocolate.

I'm in one of those moods where I am sad. I don't know why, I just am. How is that even possible?

I am not good at dealing with loneliness.

There must be a way to feel like you are enough for yourself. I haven't found it yet.

He nearly ripped my throat out just to prove his point.
The bleeding thumbs of an angry boy can be tasted on my tongue at 11 pm.
His desire lies in between his toes and his malice in between his teeth.
He screams to a God he'll never praise and kisses a father he'll never love.
The sound of the air blowing between my teeth, however, shut him the **** up.
Shhh.
I have a project for you.
It involves you losing your victimizing nature.
Dropping your entitlement.
Opening your baby browns.
And listening.
Your sweat will never taste sweet until you love yourself like you loved her.
Your legs will stumble on their insecurities until you dance in your impurities.
Your vengeance is futile and will only make you avoided.
I can scream too.
You want to scream?
Scream with me.
But don't say I didn't help you.
Don't say I didn't try.
Don't act like the blisters and welts on your tan skin are from my fire.
You want blood?
I got plenty.
I'll jump rope with your esophagus.
Play dress up in your epidermis.
Understand your motives and thoughts better than Lauryn Hill.
But you can't assume anymore.
You can't believe that I fall to my knees because you make me weak.
That's not the case.
I don't need you like you need me.
Oh, please.

“Cold…dark, January no doubt. Crystallized gasps hold in the air, indiscriminately juggling between transparency, and opacity. Inhale and cringe as the stifling breeze moves deep, penetrating bone. Shell shocked in a state of disarray, wheezing, and coughing, as the cruel chill proves too much. Hold fast, buckling against bus stops, feeding off the warmth from sewers as they cough up hot, rancid steam. Bathing in the fumes, collecting sweat. Step out from sanctuary to discover that bitter wind that eastern wind, which carries with it a victimizing frost, designed to paralyze movements, to stagnate the course towards salvation. Stumble…fall to the blank canvas bellow, imprint on it the vague outline of the carcass, then move on, holding high, beyond that cold, dark, January.”

Blankness, complete and utter blankness, no smile, no course stare, just blankness, complete and utter blankness.

“Does anyone have any questions or comments? No? All right, you may take a seat Mr. Ryier.”

Is it mockery? Am I the victim of some vast highbrow jest? Is this a period of intentional silence, one designed to brew up this self-doubt roaming about my mind on a destructive and wholly unnecessary cycle?”

“Next up…we have, Mrs. Kennison, reading another poem, I believe. Is that correct?”

“Yes Mrs. Fiordine, It’s called Grasshoppers.”

“Wonderful title, but would you please head to the front of the class to start. Mr. Ryier, did your…piece, have a title?”

“Yes ma’am, ‘Incendiary Delusions On The Effect Of A Cold Temperament’.”

“A bit wordy. We’ll go with cold, dark January. Pay attention now though, Mrs. Kennison is about to begin.”

This woman, this mentor, whose name I can, but won’t recall, I loathe her, and the ability she fosters not just in herself, but others. That thing that has her speak falsehoods with a smile, and to act pleased when riddled with agonizing pain. A monstrous creation she is, and just as Dr. Frankenstein, she yearns for the day when she can cast down her aspersions onto a vacant shell before here, breeding her cruelty into the hollow mind, knowing one day it will come forth, a wholly more monstrous creation, destined to march along a dotted path, until coming across their own pupil, or kin.

“Grasshoppers…they hop…hop right along, in and out of my life, just like David. David, that man I loved, that fleeting hopeless soul, that 28 to my 16, that hold me down, take my pristine, that tie me up, finger licked clean. Where, why, how could you be born with wings, why could I not tether you, or lock you in a cage? David, oh David, my fleeting grasshopper.”

Them, they show excitement, applause, ragging applause. Me, I’m stuck debating the poetic merits of statutory ****, and the indignant need for teenage girls and boys to listlessly portray their life and love as some haphazard, poorly assembled recreation of a renaissance era romance. True love is dead; it died when you let a 28-year-old finger your *******.

“What a stupendous piece Mrs. Kennison! Evokes such images in the mind. Provoking me towards an entangled and banned place of thought. Truly stupendous.”

I want to hit a woman for the first time in my life. Should I? No doubt I shouldn’t. Still, temptation has a way of overwhelming logic. Clenched fist…white knuckles, second thought, dropped hand.

“Best of the day, no doubt Mrs. Kennison. Clear you knew what you were doing. Are there any questions, comments? Yes, Mr. Unner?”

“I believe the piece had a lot of merit. It was clear that this poem, in particular, had a sense of clarity…I guess I’m trying to say I liked it. I liked it because it seemed you knew at least where it was going, and what it was going to be.”

Try harder perhaps, she’s be bound to fall right into your lap, light up with a playful squeeze, bow down, and suckle from her knees. Delusions of enlightenment at the realization of a hardened ****, stuttered compliments of a flirtatious nature, elevating a worthless stock. Holding a vigil to a fictional ****** locked in-between the realms of fantasy and ****, negligent minded to the forthcoming, inevitable scorn.

“I don’t agree, to me, the piece seemed as though Beatrice was trying to perpetuate the delusion men have of being able to break a naïve, young girl’s heart.”

“Superb point Mr. Arden, though it isn’t up to the artist to define the message, that responsibility lays with the reader.”

The girl, Kennison, this newly appointed poetic iconoclast, she breaks her proud stare with the teacher, and glances over at Mr. Arden, Ralph, with a doting look. Mr. Unner, Charlie, not happy with this, not one bit. His heart was broken; he had fallen in and out of love in less than 30 seconds.

“Another comment from Mr. Unner, what is it you have to say?”

“I retract my earlier statement, it was foolish. I hadn’t gone deeper than surface level. The poem is nothing, it’s a forgery mimicking the talents of someone gifted, someone capable of writing something of worth. What we have here is a case of blonde hair, crooked teeth.”

“Charlie!”

“Mrs. Kennison, please, you must stay calm during a critique, Mr. Unner has his right to an opinion. Mr. Arden, something to add?”

“Yes Mrs. Fiordine, I believe what we actually have here, is a brilliant piece, something so wise, so grand, that it goes beyond second, third, forth glance, it transgresses the boundaries of scholastic worth. It is an insurmountable achievement.”

“I’m sorry Mr. Unner, I know you’d like to make another comment, but we simply have too many pieces left to go. Time just won’t allow for it. Please, take your seat Mrs. Kennison.”

Marching casually, soaking up complimentary looks like *** and candy, the anointed artist holds high, perched on her plateaued vanity. Contemplate laying down a foot in the isle. Disrupt the whole parade. Good will holds me back; move on as the teacher gets things on track.

“Mrs. Enid, please, go forth and delight us with your work.”

The girl walks up, hunched, biting her lip raw. Tremors, pulse through her like shivers, sporadically giving her movement odd twinges. She stands, before her peers, terrified by their eyes, holding on the cusp of cruelty. She feels ugly. She looks ugly.

“I’m here, though vision may not allow for it. Take me in, wholehearted, in a look, in glance, just don’t glare. Don’t beat me down with your beady eyes, holding me accountable for your own lack of vision, believing my person, my appearance, to be some misfortune cast onto you. It’s my damnation. It’s my curse. I struggle with it; you just need to avert your eyes. Is that what I’ve become though, someone to look away from. If so, hold me accountable, **** me for my looks, scorn and belittle me, just glance my way, and don’t treat me like I’m not in the room.”

“Amanda, that was really great. A great poem. Now…questions comments. Yes, Mr. Arden?”

“Boo…go weep yourself to sleep, dreaming about what it’d be like to not look like a monster.”

“Charlie!”

“I’m sorry Mr. Fiordine, but her face, and the ugliness carried on it, that was all in her poem. I think that makes it fair game.”

“Any other comments…”

“Boo…”

“Please, stop, whoever did it. This is not the place for such cruelty.”

There it was, the teacher’s out. The avoidance of on property bullying, through the acknowledgment of not an end to the torment, but rather a delay, it was brilliant…in a cowardly sort of way.

“Amanda, you may take a seat…would anyone else like to share?”

Clumsy, her feet seem to stick together as she makes her way towards the desk in the back corner of the room, away from people, away from the windows, away from the light. The hierarchy notice, they’re weary of her positioning, fearful of the dreadful, inevitable fall from grace, a fall which would bring them to that place, the spot at the back of the room, where no one goes, and no one looks.
It sits there, at the back. No one knows whose there, whose listening. They just know the occupants aren’t wanted.
A young man stands before the class; he speaks from a page in a monotone voice, barely accentuating his alternating rhyming scheme.  There’s a stop, people screaming. A trail of blood pooled up in a low in the floor, it’s origins lie with Amanda, in that space at the back of the room, that place no one looked, no one wanted to go, that cold, dark, January.

Boys will be boys.
Excuse after excuse.
“Truth telling in their eyes”
We always blame the victim.
They shouldn’t have acted like that,
they shouldn’t have worn that.

No.
That’s *******.
Until it happens to you,
you won’t understand the pain.
The constant wondering what you did,
to deserve… ****.
BOYS WILL BE BOYS
You won’t lay in bed crying;
wishing for the feel of their hands,
to just go away.
So instead of feeling that.

NO.
BOYS… will. be. boys.
I remember to erase the feeling.
I destroyed my skin with razor blades,
cigarette burns, scratching myself.
I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain i felt.
Boys will be boys?
What about that is normal?
Thinking that it’s okay to…
**** shaming...
Victimizing.

JUST STOP YOUR LYING
You won’t understand until,
you’re told by parents and police,
that it was your fault.
You shouldn’t have acted so friendly,
you shouldn’t have teased them.
I deserved it because I went swimming?
I deserved it because I was nice..?
Who in the hell are you to say.
Boys will be boys?

It’s “okay”?
It’s “alright”.
Stay away from me.
Boys will be boys?
Can I excuse myself from hitting you in the face?
I mean.
Girls will be girls, right?
We only want to protect ourselves.
If you can make the excuse…
That means so can I?

NO.
NO, boys will be boys and girls will be girls.
It’s all *******.
We all have our demons.
We all go through things.

**** will not ever be a joke.
Boys will be boys?
No.
Monsters will be monsters.

Come one, come all, see the resurrection of the self-victimizing *****!
See her weave a noose out of others sorrows!
See her cry wolf before a crowd!
See her grasp to the comfort strangers comments can give!
Yes! Come one, come all, see the destruction of the self-victimizing *****!
See her become the leech she is**.

let's give a go
at something new
find some new topic of prose
not so tangled, and overused.

take your shadows and
wring them out to dry
let the sun soak them away
and you'll be left with gold
in your heart,
in your soul

self loathing, victimizing
you're not fooling anybody.
stand up and face yourself
drown out the remnants of battles
you nearly lost
and be free of this

call it an omen,
call it a sign
but when you dream
it shines

spiderwebs hanging from your fingers
you are stationary
homeostasis distorts
but you're still extraordinary.

Stop it with the temper tantrums and "poor me"s
Stop victimizing yourself because you are the one hurting yourself
Mistakes are understandable and two-time mistakes are fine
But Jesus ******* Christ
You do this all the time
It's stupid and irrational and self destructive
It hurts me to see you in pain but I have pains of my own
Pains that aren't controllable
I.e. A parent with cancer
Yet your pain stems from the continual decision to smoke **** and get too high
You say you're embarrassed and you should be
You can't control the sad environment around you
But  you can control how you respond to it
So stop responding this way because we're all fed up with the *******
You need help -- Literally
You need a therapist and a psychiatrist
Hell! If I had a prescription pad, I'd put you on a high dose of prozac
And sort out those daddy issues of yours
You are a genuinely good, kind person
But your life is going nowhere because you're too caught up in your cruel past
I hate to say this, but get over it
Because things will not fall into place unless you make an effort to fix your disposition

I delight in listening to the wind.
It’s so content and subtle, yet, so destructive.
Much like love, the way it slowly strings us along with bad intentions.
So reposeful we fall for each other and so maleficently we fall apart.
Too often we love things that aren’t any good for us.
We let emotions manipulate us.
Victimizing us into an impractical mindset,
Where we are convinced that love is permanent and nothing hurts.
But, love is a bizarre thing, much like the wind.
They both exist to eventually tear things apart,
Whether being our homes or our hearts.

This argument
gone over
countless times,
victimizing ourselves-
separating ourselves
and creating this
unnecessary drift
that soon turns into
unrequited feelings
as the darkness shadows
the light that once existed
in us.

                            "It's you".
"It's me."

It's us
you
me
we don't exist
we shan't.

But I suppose that doesn't really matter now
does it?

sometimes when i'm angry at the pillow beneath my head, and the ceiling for shifting in
the slow shadows of my room at night,
at the headlights that flash into my bed room window,
at the neighbor who's screams echo
in the cacophony of the outside noise
and the inside static
in the pensive thrumming ****** manic
turning troubled erratic thoughts
more times than not
its overlapping tracks
of your voice saying key phrases,
"disappointed"
"pathetic"
"crazy"
"victimizing"
"lazy"
"­loner"
"with out friends"
"leave"
"angry"
animated by that awful look and
eye roll you always gave me.
desperation lead me to the asinine assumption
that if i was brave enough to bring
your attention on me
you would see that i needed something
i needed anything.
acceptance
an ear,
suport,
an explanation,
a conversation,
a friend,
a few words of encouragement,
to be freed from your damnation,
a bit of patience
mother,
i needed my mother
and you never came for me.
no one ever came for me.
you gave me cruelty all the way to the moment of my liberation
where I was finally granted distance
and silence
but sometimes when I hate my pillow,
it's because
when it's dark,
and it is loud ,
I hear you in every sound
in every echo
I hear you.

Jewels of our country,
Gems of the world,
Every child in their own
differs and holds an astounding talent,
A devastating day on 16 December,
Last year kids were martyred to death,
Victimizing their families and friends,
They will always reside in our hearts,
They will always be our shining stars,
Our countries honor and pride,
Those souls in heaven will shine so ever bright,
Their smiling faces in peace,
Will ease the pain in their mothers heart,
Satisfy their father,
And stand as audacious children for our nation,
You will always be remembered,
And will always own a huge slot in our soul,
Our tears that we shed for you,
Will not be meaningless,
And these tools will help stand against those savages,
Making them pay till the day we all live,
And slay their heads off in terms of decay.

so now
i will suffer without you
find myself in the whiskey
lose myself to the keys
they print out letters to feel for

leave me alone
you said, with bitter emphasis
i cant stop crying
i cant stop victimizing
hate me until i
finally can curl up
and die

wrap those lovely fingers
tight around my throat
let me collapse
in your grasp
oh my only one left
why are you like this

Become what you hate
become what you can’t stand
MAKES YOU SICK
but it doesn’t have to be
YOUR FAULT
so please quit blaming
YOURSELF
You can’t see your BIGGEST fear taking place
within your own
FACE
Disgrace you wear thin
CHANGE
this now before it’s to
….
LATE……
REGULATE THE PAIN
let the abuse stop
and exit with
the noose
that finally
got taken
OFF

FREE

You are the exception
CONSIDER
There are hundreds of thousands each year that aren’t so
LUCKY

Dont victimize your brain
from the pain
the victims
placed on you

CREATING

Hate from their deep rooted flaws of many past generations
of self-inflicted SLAVING

From this the MONSTER is born
As you slowly become
The
CULPRIT

CARRYING
the bloodlines
of evil
FURTHER

STOP
and
LETS CELEBRATE LIFE
LiVe

" You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

instead of victimizing yourself to the consequences you've bestowed upon yourself.
you need to change yourself and take ******* responsibility for your own *** if you're unhappy with where you are, and who you are.
you need to discover and play with your own ******* potential.
quit sitting around waiting on someone to save you, on someone to promise you "forever", for someone else to change YOU. because nothing is forever, everything changes.
nothing will ever be the exact same way that it is right now. at this moment. this is just one of the unique times in your life that you will live through - you will live through billions more of these.
and you yourself can decide where you want to go at this point in time.
**** it. even if you're happy. do not ******* settle. ever. keep striving.
nothing is forever.
nothing stays the same.
everything around you changes. do not be stationary.
change with the times. adapt, evolve. keep your heart.
but always remember that life will keep going on, with or without you.
do not sit on your *** for too long when life knocks you down.
it's not easy, whatsoever.
you are allowed to cry, and sob, and yell. you will be discouraged. it will ****. you will hate yourself sometimes, but you shouldnt for too long.
you need to forgive yourself and bring yourself up. you need to fight on, keep pushing, do you, and ******* prosper.
stay humble. stay focused. keep your heart. fight on.

“The world is hurting” she said as she turned the globe around it’s axis, softly touching the dented countries in bloodshed. “Anguished souls, anguishing; bullied, bullying ;victims, victimizing; deceived, deceiving. Hurt people, hurting people. A tradition passed from generation to generation, raging violence and fueling feuds. Spreading disparity and singing the melancholy anthem. Scarring and withering the beauty of innocence in this world from a young age. A war of violence that seems to sear subtly and evidently in every corner of the world.  It’s a cycle that never seem to revolutionize for the better, but revolve - never transpiring.”

Oleaginous swamp monsters
Inhabit the swamp where they
Carry out nefarious deeds,
Victimizing their prey.

Pertinacious in how they manage
To obfuscate their acts,
They disregard well-meaning
Attempts to get at facts.

Fleecing America, laundering money,
Wily defrauding banks,
And practicing insider trading:
Some ways they fill their tanks.

How their greed pushes them
To plot and plan and scheme!
How they pledge allegiance to
The Swamp Monster Supreme!

They do their best to cover their tracks.
Not only do they smother
Investigations, but they also
Steal from one another!

Who can get away with more?
Who can feel no shame?
Who can withstand more shocking scandals?
It almost becomes a game.

Many people will fall for the lies.
They can rest assured
That falsehoods will be one thing to which
They'll have become inured.

As long as the murky swamp remains,
The swamp monsters will thrive.
If we fail to take on the monsters,
How will we ever survive?

-by Bob B (8-9-18)

My overactive imagination roams tapping into the rhythmic vibrations of the Multiverse. With each passing moment I converse with my Inner Child "the pure spirit of freedom from worldly views able to only love deeply yet without favoritism forgive all trust all be kind meek and humble to all having a gentle touch towards humanity and their flaws" the Mature Man "a augmentation of millions of ideas, information about what we know and what we think we know about God and it's celestial hosts...combining reason, wisdom, discipline and complexity to what our Creator has made simple for us to understand believe live and abide by....forming a TRUE Relationship with his Only Begotten Son Jesus Christ" and finally our fictional and surreal yet real and "Instinctual Self" pure living conciousness the epicenter of where our child mind develops to a mature mind our IMAGINATION & DREAM Self. In between this transference I had a revelation that my Inner Child and my Instictictual Self where far much greatly developed than my Mature Self and I knew then due to my knowledge of the unknown had vastly growed in massive proportions. High price to pay though for being hypersensitive and deeply gifted with the speciality to bend energies visualize auras foretell Destiny Numbers and write draw and do anything I set my mind to doing outstandingly well over others. My overactive imagination couped with hypersensitivity and able to tap to spiritual dimension freely able to transmit healing or cursing to others thru words of power and Tongues Of Divine or Demonic nature have created a conception that I was born a Schizophrenic and to that I do NOT deny its existence within the inner mechanisms of my conciousness and perception towards Life and reality. It's true I am schizophrenic but I have learned to live with my mental disorder...yet I see it more as a Gift than a curse. Self pity, victimizing myself, self loathe, self deception, self sabotage and grandiose illusions created long ago by my Inner Child is what I deal with in my day to day basis. Visual, Auditory and Inceptive thoughts become real to me combined with excessive amounts of free time and sedentary lifestyle I choosen to adapt to molding my current situation I have become too comfortable with this style of living. Deep inside I want to do different I want to mature and be a full grown man and take care of myself but am so afraid of failing I have given up on trying something new for a change. My reward is slowly self destructing because I feel unworthy of having a different kind of life than the one am currently living. Am terrified of the consequences I'll have to face if I fail at becoming my own self sufficient person that I so much want to be. Nevertheless, God I pray to thee you will empower me to take on this challenge and change and become what I want to become a full functioning Grown Adult taking on a job, financial stability, a wife, couple kids and a happy life. In my case NOT all is lost but I have realized I do NOT like responsibility,  I don't know how to take the right steps forward to be what I envision to be but not all is lost I will keep persuing my dream on one day being able to become and be what I envision ...A happy full Grown Man Mature and wise enough to do the right thing. With God's help and me communicating my current struggles to someone I can trust I can start taking small steps on changing me and my life and lifestyle. So help me God. I realize that for me to finally reach my end goal is a lifetime of progress not perfection. Is committing myself towards doing something different and sticking to the plan layed before me. I have an extremely difficult time going thru change because am so used to being spoiled, taking the easy way out, living a double lifestyle and having ways to prey and use my gifts to exploit others vulnerable emotions and use them as pawns to fulfill my own twisted sense of altered life and reality. This I need to work on day and night to use my gifts to help others instead of how can I benefit from the arising circumstances and situations I am dealing with and what can I gain from playing with people's time, emotions, perception, and energy cues...that I can easily tap into and administer small changes day by day till they start to feel the need to do things how I want them to do it by implementing small radical shifts of change in their primal energy pool. Devicing ways to slowly set them to pay for their time being spent on being disobedient towards theirselves and converting them slowly to become more distant towards their Mature Self in time becoming more disciplined towards self perdition and destruction leaning on a touch of Godliness with extreme amounts of self indulgence towards this World and it's carnal temporal luxuries we all partake into practicing. I want to instead begin to heal them slowly listen more carefully and attentively empower them to be focused on God rather than themselves...on the spirit rather than the instant gratification gained from the temporal carnal pleasures and enjoy the experiences of a deep and personal relationship to a higher power that they can tap to and call upon when in doubt or need. I am NOT saying I haven't done this before with others either but when I have tried they push me away because their afraid of a pure change of mind heart and soul. We are all confined to a prison within our own minds and we are doomed if we don't release them "the mind" from it. True Love is what matters and with it we can truly change the world. May God be with you always. Thanks for reading.

Spiteful words directed
Towards my bodacious life.
Why should I apologize
For all of your strife?
I will help
And try to make it better.
Fix the bent
And wipe away the tears.
I will contribute
I will be audacious in my moves.
Every willing, daring play
Towards your happiness.
My heart is yours to take,
My mind is yours to use.
The souls inside you use as bandages,
But do not insult me for my happiness.
Do not push and shove and take
Only to want more.
I am here to help
To love
To repair.
But I can do so much
Only if you let me.
Do not deceive
Into victimizing yourself.
You are not broken,
Just a little bent.
Do not bend me too,
Because I will contribute everything
Towards your cause.
Let me love you.
Let me hold you
And finally....
Let me give everything to you.

tension rods in between my ribcage
keeps everything from caving in
metaphorically speaking of course
everything now is taken so literally
capsizing through stomach bile
coughed up from disgust
I get it that you think you're above me
you don't get it that you don't know me at all
you'd like to make that call
since you're so ******* perceptive
allegedly
look around without yourself in mind
it's easy
but not really
because to be self obsessed is seemingly a human condition
and hating yourself behind the closed curtains
most people just leave them open now
they like the breeze of empathy
they invite it in like dark energy
please feel sorry for me
victimizing
I've got a lot under my belt for you to see
not really
turning my problems into ash, or recycling
never really move on, keep sinking
red traffic lights blinking
stop and go
stop and stare
this **** doesn't feel very fair
nothing really is
I feel the doubt every time I say we should kick it
can you feel mine too?
I don't have much to offer you
moving away from home was a mistake
I have more to make

In other universes perhaps we end up together
And we end up weathering storms in tandem

For now I'm tasked with the duty of being your friend
As you turn yourself into a means to an end

And sometimes you get there because of me
And this is an expression of things unseen
Things too terrible to be seen
Things I'd hold tightly, and closely
Because I can't hold you closely

You are a dream that floats out just in front of the horizon but which falls off the edge of the world if I draw too near

You are the heartbeat skipping in a parked car, and the wings clipping of best friendships formed here

Though you are closer to me than any others
You are the most distant of all my lovers

Though you are the nearest in knowing my soul,
You are the furthest possibility as a whole

When I drop you off so you can cut yourself in half and be used,
Don't fall into the trap that states I don't care about you

I am a slave to my desire to help you be who you want to be
Even if that means destruction especially to you and at times me

Don't fall victim to the hoax of victimizing yourself
Recognize your worth by choosing the contrary, your health

Don't think for a second that I don't love you
Because of all the truths spoken in this poem
This is the truest: that I adore you
That you know me and don't judge me
And I crown you for the way you treat me

Because you, like no other, know me
You, unlike my other lovers, know me
But you, unlike all the others, can't be
A part of me while you're not apart from me

Don't believe in the lie that all you're good for
Is these few moments of euphoria

You're more than an object
Yet you're still the object of my desire

because I’ve known rejection
I identify with those cast out

hated for simply being
scorned for expressing doubts

the impulse to exclude
comes from projected fear

what we do to them, they might do to us
if we let them linger near

the rage and mortal terror
distorts the scheming mind

you become a professional victim
even while victimizing your own kind

the stranger, the unique, the alien
my attention perks right up

these others signal something
and I drink the offered cup

I seek the foreign shore
and the solitude of silence

watch me wander wakeful
despite the despair of American violence.

Adrianna Exposé

So I went on a safari leave in January because I got too bored to do anything anymore and they failed to see that this “I wasn’t doing anything” was happening for the last year and a half. If you keep saying that you’re busy really, they play right into your hand. I was never the type of person who cared for titles or anything, so the second I signed my name to that zoo, I went in full depression mode. This was not at all what I wanted, but the money was good and everybody around me kept telling me that it’s a good thing happening. It wasn’t, at all. I usually never stay at a job longer than 1 or 2 years, simply because most animals who invest their energy in being someone else’s donkey (no matter the ranking, if you’re gone they wouldn’t drop a tear and you’re replaced, remember that) have no actual real life for themselves and that’s also why they want to know about yours so they could use it against you and feel better about theirs. That’s what people apparently do with your information, they use it against you. So I don’t tell any personal stories unless I think it will be helpful if I shared it, same goes for my goals, I like to keep quiet but any longer than 2 years and the animals around you start to take offense in your attitude. The things I did tell, were mostly lies but like I said: it was all used against me in a really rude fashion. The monkey in charge, Adrianna Whitmang got jealous a lot, he didn’t like the way I was giving out some of my attention to other collegues within the zoo, especially when I literally gave none to him. So when I told a small bit about my mother’s death, he started using words to say that I have problems because of it, the same goes about bits and pieces about my life my friends or family. He felt comfortable victimizing me, instead of accepting that he isn’t attractive in my eyes. I always tell people the first thing he ever “professionally” said to me was “Hi I’m Adrianna Whitmang and I’m in an open marriage, can I have your phone number?”. This is an actual true story. So he tried to run a game within our department, but I just never cared for it. After I had hit my all-time expiration date of 1/2 years, I just wanted him to pay me for my presence, so he did. He gave me a full on raise on two occasions even though I hadn’t done anything to deserve it, other than saying it the whole time. So my behavior got even worse, at some point I was really unhappy about doing nothing, it was really honest to God nothing. But I felt even more unhappy doing something about it, I didn’t want to anymore. I simply never cared, my heart was never in it. What I did with my heart is where my body went, fûcking the collegae I had an interest in during all office hours.

The real truth is, I really don’t really like certain people. After I was sēxuālly abused as little kid, I developed a disliking in these people, especially men, in my case it’s a bit racist but I can’t help it. I have a big contempt for white people when it comes to attractiveness and séxuāl preference, other than that I’m completely fine. I come from a mixed home, I’m half white myself so a real racist I can’t be. Apart from that I had a very white but Eastern culturally loaded upbringing, but I never liked the mentality of the people here in Holland. I never voluntarily been with a white person nor do I think I could physically bear it.

So again, apart from the mental issues he tried talking me into, he thought we grew up in completely different worlds and he had to teach me about his because how on earth could I know any of that, right. He threw another one of his limitations on me and I did not feel a need to tell him otherwise. I got nothing to proof to nobody, plus he already gave me what I wanted. I am always the underdog, the free spirit no can control. But he failed to ask me about my childhood, because I could’ve told him I grew up without any secrets, taboos or any stuck conventions about reality. My childhood home was a party house, home parties were a thing in my home, my mother’s friends were mostly high ranked white people within our society and before they went out or with birthday’s, our house became the place to be. I grew up with having multiple gay stepdads, men coming to our house and leave as the most expensive good-looking women ever, political figures, even high priced prostitutes that looked like a Goddesses but mostly the truly free minded people. Apart from that I was raised using proper etiquette everyday, I was always pushed to get degrees, taught to be independent, taught to fight my own battles, learned about the real world in a beautiful fashion and I was raised with so much love. My mother told me every single day of my life that she loved me or thought the world about me, and if she didn’t, one of my gay stepdaddies would, I grew up being invincible. But hey, he told me that I was crazy so I probably am right?

After I announced my safari leave, he quite obviously and actively made the process “difficult” for me because I probably got under his skin. But no difficulties in my position over here, got all the time in the world.. but hmmkay, he likes to believe he has some kind of effect on me, so I gave him my super serious, serial special "raging *****" effects. It were petty things really, but it did the job. He actually thinks I care, he still doesn’t believe I don’t. It’s sad he is so limited by his beliefs or hates the fact that other people can so easily break free from the burdens he is experiencing. I am a free women or better yet a free person. The real reason he's doing this is because he is unable to get me in bed and that's the honest truth.

I do not get jealous, mad or bothered about the things he comes up with, because it’s not about him, nor the zoo or the animals grazing in it. I solely stayed for that one guy, the man I followed around like a puppy, jup I said it. That’s why I stayed for so long, and had to make everybody believe that I actually cared about the zoo, or the animals in it, but truth be told I simply never did. At the end of the day I’m not desperately in it for the money, I’m just surviving society. In the conversations we had, he should’ve figured it out because I was quite honest in the beginning about my plans.. plans that did not include the zoo EVER.