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Mykle Matwaya Nov 2020
There are some very important questions that, at some point, every single one of us must be subjective enough to ask ourselves, and realistic enough to answer honestly about the households we are born into.
And they are:
If I wasn't related to these people, would I still like them? Would I choose to be around them everyday, and pledge to them my loyalty without question as I do now, for every other good, moral and meaningful reason, besides my just trying to avoid the guilt I would feel for not doing so, simply because it is what is expected of me?
Does their character invoke or compel my  respect or my admiration?
Do their mannerisms appeal to me as much as I pretend that they do?
Do they consider my feelings as much as I do theirs?
And would they still give me the time of day if I was unwilling to continue to represent their best interests, by making them appear to the rest of the world, to be better people than they truly are beneath the masks they wear, and behind these closed doors?
Mykle Matwaya Mar 2020
And here at the end,
what am I left with?
Too many to count.
And although they might not mean anything to you,
for me they are enough.
They have to be.
Because who would I be without them?
What would I have without them?
What proof would there be to show that I ever gave a ****** about any one or anything?
Without this trail of disasters,
there wouldn't be a shred of evidence to prove that I was even here,
or ever tried to do anything at all..

My failures are my legacy.
And myfailures are just as important to me, as your successes are to you.

I am a complete failure.
I have never succeeded at any thing I have ever set out to do.
I am not a failure because I was too scared to try.
I tried.
I didn't pi$$ it all away.
I didn't drink it,
snort it,
or smoke it all up.
I am left with nothing for the best of reasons.
My only vices were family, loyalties, and love.
Honor, romance, and integrity.
I never cared about about anything else.
I did what  was right, over what was easy.
I chose the honorable,
over what was safe.

Which makes what I am left with, these "failures" of mine, it makes them the most precious things I will ever have.
It's not so much that I failed, it's what I failed at.
I failed at all of those things that were well worth the risks.  

These precious disappointment's.
Without them I wouldn't have a thing to show for any of this.
Not even a whisper of credit or gratitude from the people who I did it all for, and ended up loosing right along with everything else.

My flounders are testaments to my character.
Look to them for reference.
See how with each commitment & through each endeavor,
I never gave up because of their difficulties.
The more I would lose, the harder I would try.
And the harder I would try, the more I would loose.
And on, and on,
Until there was nothing left.

My failures are my great accomplishments.
They are footprints of my life's purpose in this world.
Napolean failed.
Ahab failed against The Whale.

Chasing their passions, while trying to fulfill their own dreams and the dreams of those who surrounded them.

Sometimes, for the right reasons, failures can be what makes a man great and remembered.

So This big heaping pile of $hit of a life of mine, is proof positive that I am not some self-centered, self-serving son of a b¡tch.
And have never steered this ship with out anything but your best interest behind the helm..
And when I look around out there
at the vanity,
the ego,
and self-centeredness,
I consider the alternative.
And I would much rather be a failure.
I embrace it because it is the truth of who and what I am.
And at least I know who I am, and that is a'lot more than most of you can say, or are willing to face.
While all you do is hide behind the best things you can find in your lives.
You surround your vulnerabilities with the most temporary things and hide out in snapshots of the most temporary moments.
And you think you can fool the rest of the world, just like you have fooled yourselves with such a common and carbon copied fantasy.

While you sit there trying to prove your invincibility,
I'll be standing right here bleeding,
with both feet firmly planted in reality,
being exactly who I really am.
And although I may be unhappy,
I am still grateful.
And my gratitude outweighs my sorrow.

Grateful that I can see myself and the the world around me for what we really are.
And when I die, I will die awake, and fully aware of the debt I owe for such clarity.

So by all means,
judge me by my losses, I implore you.
and don't forget to judge me by the ***** I had enough to try in the first place,
and for possessing the stones enough to admit to the truth of it all afterwards:

And If given the chance,
I would do it all over again.
All of it.
Because every bit of it was worth the shot.
Because trying to do those things made me feel like more of a man than anything else I had ever done,
and believe me, I have done it all.
They were the realest things I could have ever set out to do.
They made me feel alive trying to do them,
trying to repair them,
Trying to hold them up under the crushing weight of the burden of their ingratitude, and yours.
They were the greatest thing's I have ever "Never" done.
And I thank God for the opportunity he gave me to do them, and the sense enough to recognize their importance.
And I apologize to Him for being Stupid enough to try and do any of it without including Him,
That is the ONLY thing I would do differently.
But I won't apologize for anything else.
Or to anyone else either.

Me-a natural born loser.🖕
   & still
Mykle Matwaya Mar 2020

I have spent your entire life right here waiting for you, so that if and when the day finally came, I would still be able to be the father that you needed me to be. And with consideration to our special circumstances, I took the position early on, that when it came to the certain perks life has a way of offering a person, that as long as you, my Daughter, were unable to take joy in those things, then when it came my turn to receive them, my only option would be to politely refuse...

Peace of mind, certainty, love & growth.
How could I accept those things?
Comfort, & joy?
Friendships, family, & freedom?
How could I, as your father, allow myself to benefit from the very same things which you have been denied?
I have lived this life, just like you have lived your life all of these years, as your Comrade & fellow prisoner of fate & it's cruelty.

I did not have to live this way, but it was all I could do to feel closer to you, and to try and make you feel less alone. You have been alive for 17 years, "Seventeen". Add up every minute, plus every second that you and I have ever spent in each others company, and it wouldn't even add up to 4 years. And that my dear child is a tragedy...
You and I have been robbed of the opportunities God gave us to make our memories together. Betrayed by the very same individuals who run around claiming they love us.The same thieves who take credit for our best efforts and accomplishments in this life, despite their best efforts to break & destroy us.
You were robbed of the blessings life can give to a young lady with a loving father there to guide her. Robbed by the monsters I allowed into your life. But given your options, (and you had none), what other choice did you have but to grow on without me? Something I remember you telling me you wished you could somehow stop from happening.

None of this has ever been, or will ever be your fault, you were given no other choice.
But I was. I did have a choice. And I chose to stand still and wait for you. I chose to survive this life, but not to move forward in it without you.
You gave me this life, you gave it a purpose and made it a life worth living, so what kind of a$$hole would I be just to go on living it all up without you? How would that have made you feel?
Meaningless & forgotten.
Expendable & unimportant.
That is what happens when you are taken away from the world, & then return to it almost a lifetime later to see how easily that world went on without you. To see how your absence made not one difference in the progression of the lives which you thought you were such an important part of.
That is the closest feeling there is to being dead. That is a cruelty that people suffer when they return home from fighting wars, or after doing time in prisons.
I could never allow myself to be a part of that.
I have gone nowhere, done nothing much at all and progressed very little, all in the name of loyalty to you. Because I'd be ****** If I was going to do anything at all that might cause us to grow any further apart than we already were.
I don't need to be happy, not without you, I don't want to be. I don't want to accomplish great things without you here with me. If I am to have anything else in this life, I prefer to get it because of the inspiration you give me. I don't want to do anything, unless I am doing it for you. Life is just better that way.

This is what I felt was fair, and in case you've never seen it before, THIS is EXACTLY what what Loyalty is supposed to look like.
They all mistook it for  failure, when it was nothing less than pure intent. What, was I supposed to explain myself to them, and have my sincerity ruined by ego, vain words, & conciet? No. Hadn't I done that enough throughout the years?
They couldn't see, after all of this time, through my love for them & my loyalty, the lengths that I would go through to stand with someone who needs me?
Wasn't anyone paying attention when I showed them year after year how:
"I'm was never bound to win,
but I was bound to be true."
How I was: "Not bound to succeed,
but bound to live by the light that I have."
How: "I stood with anybody that stood right,
stood with them while they were right,
& stayed committed to them-
even when things went wrong?"
Isn't any of this familiar?

How else could I protest what was happening to you, to us? How else could I show solidarity with my little girl being held captive so far away from home?
Everyone had the same advice "Just forget about it."
"There's nothing you can do."
"Just move on with your life and one day things will work out."

Nothing but excuses out of the mouths of the weak and selfish. The fake, fickle, slippery little fk's that they are.

"I know you!
I know the reality behind the true intent of your deeds.
I see into your Hearts!
And I can see that you are neither Hot nor Cold.
Oh how I would rather have you be one or the other!
And so, because you are Luke'Warm-
I will now spew you from out of my mouth like *****!
You do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful & poor. Blind, naked & dis-loyal.''

There are choices in life, and positions to take. Injustice is rampant because more and more people remain impartial to all of the wrongs which they see happening right in front of them, they just use the excuse that "it is none of their business." Until it happens to them, then they will feel what it feels like to be forgotten.

There is always something that can be done. In this life there are sides to take, and stands to make. There is always a sacrifice that can be made. And I am a father who is incapable of pretending like I don't know my daughter is somewhere where she does not want to be. I cant ignore the fact that someone is out there waiting everyday for somethimg, somehow, to come and take her away from a place which opposes every trace of the me that is in your face when they look at you? The us that they hear in your voice when you stand up for what is fair, & for who you are? How could I not feel responsible for that kind of abuse, when I was the inspiration which fuel'd most of it?
So I made my choice. I chose to do time with my daughter, and not replace the hope that she brought into my life, with some sort of new plan which did not include her.
I am the one who chooses, for who, and for what I will live my life. And my choice was that I will live my life when in a time and at a place which suits YOU best, which benefits YOU most, and not a moment sooner.

Finally, that time is close at hand.
And after all of this time, & all of their talk, you'll see, you'll see that when they all left you behind, your father stayed right here waiting for you. I stood still for you. I made sure that your pain was My pain and I lived this life with two broken hearts,
your's💔& mine💔.
When the day comes, you will find me just the same as the day you were were taken away from me, the only difference will be, that I have only grown to need you, and to love you more, not less.
I have been waiting for you all of your life
You are the only thing I have ever had to look forward to. You are my only wish and you are my biggest dream
And I have always loved you and missed you so much, & I miss you now Prescilla more than ever😭 .
I refuse to have a Happy Birthday or a happy any-day without you.
I made you a promise, a promise I am ready to die to keep..
And make no mistake, I am still here.

Mykle Matwaya Mar 2020
When the two of us parted,
Me in my silence,
& you in your tears.
Half brokenhearted,
we'd survive all these years.
Pale grew my face
& cold,
colder my kiss.
Truly I foretold that hour,
"Sorrow to this."

The chill of tomorrow,
I felt it that day-
who knows how?
It felt just like the Warning,
that I feel right now.
Our vows have been broken,
Burned In silence, and flames,
When I hear thy name spoken
I flounder in shame.

They know not how you knew me,
How you knew me so well.
Oh how long have I rue'd thee?
Too long and too deeply to tell.

T'was in secret we met,
so in silence I grieve.
If my heart could forget,
and my spirit deceive.
Then my heart would stand still and my soul would grow cold.
Then who's arms would I run to,
when In need of a hold.
And if ever I should meet thee,
After all these long years.
Tell me how should I greet thee?

With silence
And tears💔
Mykle Matwaya Oct 2019
Hello & thank you for taking the time
to come here in order to satisfy your small curiosity in me.
I do hope that you find the information which I have placed here, to be both convenient, & useful to you in making up your mind as to whether or not you deem me worthy enough of any more of your valuable time. I do hope that you can both enjoy & appreciate what you find here about me, as I am very eager to begin to learn more & more about you. Thank you for your consideration, enjoy..

I have lived through enough to understand what the greatest things in life are truly made of, & they are not material, yet they do have substance. Among'st them are integrity, morality, modesty, & selflessness, to name a few. These are traits you cannot fake, you cannot buy them in the store or imitate them from watching television. They are gifts, God given & you either have them or you do not.

They do not give us much room to elaborate, so I will try to sum things up best I can. And while doing so, I promise to be honest with you. I am not going to make you spend the next few moments of your life listening to the same'ol tired routine of some @sswipe writing down everything he thinks you want to hear, fluffing himself up with attributes from a fairy tale & doing whatever else he can in order to blow enough smoke so far up your @ss that you start to think your pant ies must be on fire. That's not me. I'm not going to waste your time or mine by insulting your intellect. This is my 1st act towards you in order to gain your confidence in me & your respect, because those are the foundations of any lasting relationship, & that is what I am here to find. All I ask for in return, is that you appreciate this respectful courtesy which I am extending towards you, & that you please extend to me the same courtesy.

Now, before you read any further, the next fact that needs to be made abundantly clear is that I am nowhere close to perfect, not by anyone's standards. I am not wealthy (far from it) & I struggle through this life just like you & everyone else out there, if not more so. I am not skinny, or obese, nor am I the muscular & athletic type. I am however, a big, strong, healthy, loyal & very protective Alpha Male & Father. I am an honest person, understanding, patient & realistic. I am not controlling, abusive, or insecure, nor do I have a jealous bone in my body. I am highly emphatic & am ever aware & care very much about the effect I have on the people that are around me in any given place & at any given time. I am not thoughtless or insensitive. I detest rudeness & despise bullying of any kind, be it physical, intellectual, emotional, whatever, I wont have it, & I will not allow it to take place in my presence. I am a bit old-fashioned, I tend to romanticize the world, life & all it has to offer, from the best of it, to the worst. To me it all has meaning & offers an opportunity for learning & growth.
I do not believe in coincidences, accidents, chaos or chance, I believe in One God & I know he does not make mistakes, so therefore he would be contradicting himself if he were to allow them.

And If it's not crazy, mad, passionate, extraordinary love, then it is a waste of time. I have enough mediocre things in my life already & I refuse to allow love to be reduced down to just one more mediocrity.

I am in search of a person who knows exactly whom they are. Someone who has struggled through their entire life, in order to be able to hold onto their true identity, their God given individuality, in order to be able to accept the person they see staring back at them through the mirror. Someone who can accept theirself for all that they are, both good & bad. Someone who accepts responsibility for their own actions & choices in life. Someone with empathy, patience & understanding. Morality, modesty & selflessness. Some one who loves for the sake of others & not merely for the sake of themself. I don't care what you have done, or haven't done (I haven't done much myself) I am no one of any particular importance, but I am one of a kind & that is pretty much all I am ever likely to be. I live my life by the examples which I set, based on the consistency of my character, & God willing, I will continue to do so until the day I die.
So, if your biggest fight has just been holding on to who you are, not what you have, then you & I already have something to relate to. I may not be much, but at least I am me, and I don't have to compromise my morality just to be able to blend in with everybody else out there.
All I want, all I have ever wanted all of my life, is for someone to treat me the same way I treat them. That may sound cliché, but it is true nonetheless. I am an easy man to please. The little things matter to me more than anything else, & I am a true romantic in every sense of the word.
I am only looking for one type of personality, so if you read this & see yourself staring back from between these lines, then perhaps I have already found you.

I do not smoke, drink, or do drugs. That does not mean that I judge either. I just don't partake. I don't mind what you smoke, or if you drink. Everything best when done in moderation. But I will say this, I am not interested in competing with any substances that a person chooses over & depends upon more than me or anything else in their life. But if you have a problem with something, that is not a deal-breaker either. Times are tough, & we are all hung up on something, in one way or another. I'm here for you, & always will be.

I am not a sports fan, sorry. I just can't seem to be able to give a crap about any of them in any way whatsoever.
However, I can be talked into attending a game every so often, I just wont pay any attention to it.
I enjoy literature & I like to do a little writing myself from time to time.
I am handy, & I prefer to fix things myself.
I Can't dance.
I like to cook & can cook.
I'm a neat person & I tend to keep things tidy.
3 cat's may sound a bit excessive, but how many pairs of shoes do you own? They are very special to me & are a nice compliment to My lifestyle.
I'm not a selfish or inconsiderate.
I'm not impulsive & I don't jump to conclusions.

I am Muslim.
Hopefully by now, after all of this, you can see that I stand nowhere close to any negative stereotypes that you may, or may not have been conditioned into believing of us. I'm not some fanatic, chauvinist, controlling @sshole, I didn't raise myself that way. I am a rational, open-minded non-judgemental individual. I am Muslim because of my own ability of subjective thought & by my own choice. Not because of influence, heredity, or culture. No one talked me into this.This isn't just something I believe in, it is something I am convinced of.
I wasn't born into a Muslim lifestyle. I have no Muslim family members, or friends. That means, I am not doing this to impress mommy, daddy or anyone else.(Trust me, none of them like it one bit) This is for me, it is something dear to me, & it makes me feel better about you, myself, & everyone else out there. And so what if I pray 5x''s a day, & abstain from certain things which really aren't any good for me any ways? What is so wrong with that?
At least I am a man who would rather follow rules & morality more than just his own selfish impulses, un-like most of the inconsiderate lil sh¡ts running around out there. I am more focused, more disciplined, & a much better human being than I ever dreamed I could be. And being human is all I have every really wanted to be. And because of that, I love being Muslim. It is the most important thing in the world to me.
But that does not mean that is has to be to you. Your beliefs are your own & mine are mine. I respect your choices & visa versa.

I would like to thank you coming this far. I tried my best to make all of this worth your time. Now after all of this,it is obvious that I am not lazy, nor do I lack the willingness to be considerate, expressive or informative I put my sincere effort into this, I am a pretty good writer when I want to be, but it does not happen easily. And even though I am capable of writing, & enjoy it very much, I will let you in on a little secret, none of that necessarily means that I am a great typist, or even a mediocre one. I am a terrible typist, & an even worse text'r. I spend so much time editing and with these tiny screens and big thumbs it can be a real pain in the @ss and is very frustrating...
That being said, I will text you a little, but please, not on & on. As you can probably tell by now I have a problem with summing things up, & making long stories short when I write. It's the same way when I text. I am very thorough & am not accustomed to leaving out important information when I communicate, information being the most important component to understanding. Therefore if you want to talk to me, then lets talk. Offer me the courtesy of a telephone call please. I have already put in so much time & effort with all of this writing, which is a'lot more than anyone else in here has been willing to do for you. I assure you that I have far too much of a healthy sense of shame, & would never dream of bothering another human being past their point of interest in me. I'm no stalker.
Mykle Matwaya Feb 2019
Im at a loss.
For what?
Im not sure-
Whether for words,
thoughts or tears,
Its un-clear.

On the one hand I say,
that I have said too much,
Then I hear you tell that hand to stfk'up!

And you look at me to say "it's alright,
& stop trying so hard to ruin something so right."

And "why can't you let yourself have this one simple thing?"
"Do you really just want me to cut my heart string?"

"Are you trying to will me to give up on you?"
"Do I look to you,
like what you've grown used to?"

"Cause if you persist you will get what you want."
"Cause this effort from me?
I expect a response."

"And I am trying so hard-
no, I'm actually not."
"Your so easy to like,
and I like you a lot!"

"But Michael you need to accept this hard fact,
that if my loves not enough,
then I'll  take it right back."

"You need to let go of the things,
that you cannot forget,
and if you wont let me in,
then I'll leave,
You'll regret."

"I'm so happy to give,
your reluctant to take.
And I'm not giving my heart,
so something broken-
can break it."

"Is that what you are,
are you broken and done?"
"Cause if so then what,
are you leading me on?"

"Cause if so, then
that makes you,
everything that you hate."
"Please don't use me for that,
either love me or take-

what you came here with,
you don't need me,
so go."
"Cause you seem to do just fine,
hating yourself on your own."

Mykle Matwaya Feb 2019
I ruin everything.
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