of trying to forgive anymore

i just don't think it's worth it anymore
i'm sorry,
love wasn't enough this time
and everything that i thought about love
has been ruined

i remember telling you that you were worth being destroyed over
but no,
i let you completely **** me up and i regret it all
i was sad through it all
i wanted to leave through it all

but i felt so worthless without you
but i want to take a stand,
i am so much better than your 2am "hi, work was good, go back to sleep, goodbye."
better than your **** toy - you haven't made me ***, you never knew how to make love to me anyways, i realized how much of a scumbag you were because of the way you ****** pathetic little me
and i ******* hate the way i've become some little begging ***** in bed for you to **** me, i think all this time i've been begging you to love me better
better than your excuse to travel,
better than your excuse to hang out with your best friends who love each other more than they love you anymore,
better than everything you've used me for

i'm so tired of being the convenient one for you
instead of the one you want to be with

i think i'm ready to be selfish
i think forever was *******
and i've always known that from the first time you told me you wanted to marry me, and confirmed my thoughts every time you urgently denied that we lived together

our server the day that i decided to leave you had said, "your man is bored" as you pushed food around on your plate as i tried to listen to some ******* ******* story you had about you whining at work
and i couldnt help but agree and think that i was over this ******* ******* too

i'm  just  tired
of feeling like i'm not your only one anymore.
i  just  never  forgave  you  anyways
and i kept trying to trick myself into believing that i am a good person,
who knows how to forgive, but
i  don't  know  how  to
i still can't trust you again -
but  maybe  i  do  forgive  you
but i think you just ruined what we had
because i don't believe in your feelings for me anymore
even after all of this time

i   still   hate  you  so  much
for the way you made me feel
i don't care what you do for me now, i don't think you could
ever make up for all that **** you had ever put my through
i  just  guess  i
thought i could never find a love like yours anywhere else

but i'm beginning to realize that
you  never  loved  me  in  the  first  place  anyways
or i couldnt give you everything that you were looking for
and i'm just here for pleasure
i'm sure i am enough
i've spent too long thinking i'm not
but i keep sitting around feeling worthless
feeling like
you  will  do  me  wrong  again
and i don't deserve to feel like this every single day anymore
you  make  no  effort
to lessen that feeling
i  don't  know  what  to  tell  you  anymore
i can't keep asking you and begging you
to love me more and more

i'm being selfish
and i'm acting in ways i know i don't want to anymore
i'm  over  it
i  just  don't  want  to  keep  doing  this  ****  anymore

i just don't want to see anymore of you
i'm tired i'm exhausted
i just want to move on and find someone else who will love me
the same way i know that i can love them

they say "better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all".
and i find myself repeating these words like a mantra on those lonely nights that i sit out on my front porch watching cars zoom by and young love stumbling out from the pub across the street.

sometimes i can still feel the way that my heart pounded in my chest when you leaned over from the driver's seat and planted a quiet kiss on my lips before your whispered "sweet dreams" danced in my mind along with the smile that i swore i could never get sick of. your hands leave my skin and i smile widely at your eyes. i watch myself step over my huddled form on the front steps, dazed as i wave goodbye, goodnight, and thank-you to you from behind the glass of my front door. the smell of extinguished candles fill my nose as i shake off my shoes, and the pitter-patter of bare feet across tiles to hardwood tick-tock through the air as i get mad at myself for being so utterly infatuated with your hands and that look.

i want to take a drag of the imaginary cigarette i am smoking on the front porch as i take some time to think about where it all began to change. i want to feel the cancer spread throughout my body and **** me before i could ever admit that things are no longer the same, but i smack myself in the head and bite my tongue and resist that familiar urge to cry until i am nothing but skin and bones.

maybe we are two mature people who acknowledge some kind of sick value that love cannot completely take over our lives any longer. we are not teenagers who can be lovestruck and completely wrapped up in each other, making each other each other's worlds - oh, i can't help but feel ashamed at how much i adore you when i am second, third, fourth to so many things in your life. i just want to be your first, like you are my priority above all else.

maybe i should admit that things are still the same for me - that you have always been and still are number one before anything else. maybe i keep telling myself that both of us have changed, as if you aren't really the one that's actually leaving me behind in your journey towards something better. better. better, and bigger.

i want is a love so deep that the big blue would turn green with envy.

never mind other people

i wish that i could make you smile the way that she does

ive always competed
never been first
never won gold
never been the one that anyone
wanted
first

option number two,
why does this hurt me so much?
it never bugged me before but i put you first
when you thought i was second

second best
second i wish i was the best
best for you.

probably because i keep putting you first,
before everything else that i ever thought of before -

these feelings of missing people before i love them too much
haunt me everyday
you don't understand,
you still go home to the same people you laid next to on a changing table, have beers with people who learned to suckle on their thumbs
around the same time as you

the people i go home to
i shook their hands as we both signed our 1-year lease
and soon i'll shake their hands goodbye and good riddance

i hold these ******* fears and horrifies and terrifies and tears
in my chest, i can't afford to keep loving people and letting them go
into the world without me at their side -
i hate loving people and cutting these red strings that connect us,
i love so deeply and i just want to see you succeed and give you
flowers and kisses, and hold you in my arms when you feel the world
crumbling down around you -
i promise i can love, my love is a wicked one
i just cant keep loving and breaking, loving and breaking

when can i love and love and love and love
without end

with you
you terrify me
you're here and then you're gone
and you try to reassure me that you're always always here
but i can't trust it when you only come and peek
into my life for 5 seconds at a time and then you're gone
living your own,
i'm so scared you'll love someone else and leave because i am
so in love with you and loving and breaking with you
will **** me
it'll **** me
let me **** my heart first before you try to do it yourself

i'm sorry,

i just can't afford to let you come closer anymore.