I was always a seeker
of deeper meaning and truth
no matter how painful they might be
because nothing else could promise liberation
you either play inside a cobweb
or break it
For me the cobweb took little longer
to untangle but at least it did
Shall I indulge in grief
for the time wasted
or listen to the loud voice of
my fearless eternal soul
not a hard choice as
reconnection is already made.

Hello Old Friend,

I just wanted you to hear me.
I think you heard every word, but I see you now fear me.
I used to get nostalgic remembering our talks under starlight
When we idly spoke of dreams, and other things, and the world felt peaceful at night.

But today I spoke of blood and smoke, and of human violence,
and watched the widening whites of your eyes within this smothering silence.
I apologize for pretending we could carry on as before.
You say you don't condemn me; they shouldn't send me off to war.

I wanted a friend's reconnection, not hollow pity.
I now recognize you can't sympathize with the dying of a moral identity.
In grief, not guilt, I sought my friend.  This was not a confession.
No vain imagining of a simple moral or life lesson.
Don't wanna' hear soulless, canned regurgitations
Of your textbooks' and professors' second-hand explanations!

You avoid my eyes, staring intensely at the floor.
We both can list my sins, but why is it only I can list yours?
Solipsism and narcissism.
You live a predatory lifestyle, ***** you're bored and wanting more.

That's it, then.  Goodbye, Old Friend.
I feel worse having spoken, and I won't speak to you of this again.

You make my heart soar,
You make me feel sublime.

Everyone asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year, and I didn’t really have an answer. I’ve felt somewhat numb this week.

After the clock struck midnight, and it was my 24th year on this earth, it was made very clear to me what I want for my birthday.

I want things to go back to how they were,
dumb teenagers in love with each other, holding on maybe just a little too tight.

I want to lose track of time with you in your bed, listening to songs that seemed so relevant when pouring our hearts out to each other.

We ended things and moved on with our lives in very separate directions, but we always stayed connected. I think we were both secretly rooting for our reconnection, someday, when the timing was “right”.

And no matter how far apart we had grown, there was always unexpected reminders of you everywhere. We kept in touch. The depth of our love created this ongoing tension, always tethered.

I talked to your mom a few days ago, on the anniversary of your death. She’s one of the only people that I think truly understands the complexity of my pain.

I never got closure from any of this. The only thing I’m left with is the realization that I’ll never get a “happy birthday” from you ever again.

Maybe I’m selfish, but I think it’s okay to be selfish on your birthday. and my only wish is that you were still here. that you didn’t take your life. that somehow you’re still out there thinking about me when I’m thinking about you, like how it always was, but will never be again.

The only thing that I can do is listen to our songs, and talk to the moon. I would do anything for you to be able to listen.

I didn't lie to you
Everything I said was true
At least in that moment of time
I told you back then
Even if I believed in soulmates
I don't believe in only one
If I remember right
You agreed

Our feelings thrived through 5 years
When we didn't say a word to each other
That's definitely something special
And I'm not saying my feelings have changed
But my place in life has

Yes I'm polyamorous
But that's not why we didn't work
Sure, maybe I could've tried harder
But I felt trapped and couldn't breathe
Even though we weren't close
You needed me constantly
Which was fine until the pressure caught up to me

I'm not blaming you
I was there for you 1000% at first
Then I stopped trying so hard
You thought I was giving all my attention to her
She thought I was giving all my attention to you
I should've been giving more attention to me
Because life was killing me

Working full time
And trying to survive the semester
Now add that to the balancing of two relationships
Plus an ex who acted like Jekyll and Hyde

Imagine trying to address
The intense emotions you had
Plus those of my ex
And those of my other partner
Let alone my own feelings throughout it all
That's a lot to handle
And yes I dug my own grave with it
But I figured it'd be worth it in the end

You seem to think that
I'm some unstable person who
Tears everyone down with me
But, even in these last few months
I've grown and changed so much
And I'm finally learning how to make myself happy

I stopped starving myself and joined a gym instead
I am practicing mindfulness to understand myself and the world
I learned how to talk myself down from my feelings
I finally feel comfortable being myself
Radical as **** but still sensitive
I can finally exist alone and at peace

As for believing in reconnection
It's not just 'us' involved anymore
That's where people seem to forget
Both you and my ex seem to expect
That I can't just make these decisions
Without thinking too much about the others

I understand why
You'd hope my present relationship will fail
But I've grown a lot as a person
I've learned more about myself
And what I want and need

With her there is no co-dependence
There's open communication
There's honesty and transparency
That doesn't mean it's 'better'
I am not degrading ours in any way
It does mean it's different though

So how can I reenter a relationship
That was definitely unhealthy in some ways
After realizing what healthy means?
Despite all of my love for you
Despite how much I care
We can't be more than friends right now
Because anything else would hurt us both

If our souls do meet in
Whatever world exists next
Then you can slap me silly
But right now this is what's best

Narcan, opioid antagonist…
Doper no-hoper last breath,

sneeze,
live, live on, remain possessed
eh,
hope, secular semper fi,
keep the faith, baby,
old man, laugh, yeah,
-retied liga-mind, refined
spirtual, not religious, possessed
of a mind that makes you up,
dresses you in colors,
jagged acute to apt'use stripes, wheeling
coloring contrasts across the spectrum
RGB -backlit, ultra high resolution, zoom in

dots, right, Ben Day dots
on paper become
colors availing themselves of brain gap closure,
squint and lean
closer to the light,
gnosis bias familiar
details, see, the artist, being art, autopoeisisical
special run, one off, you
ticklewormywordeater, you…
recognostic
hyped Ai guidance
easy reading being, you, mind-eyed
one who can and does, eh, decipher coded
edu- pushing through, pulling on threaded
letters
seeing
form as from a rude pen, using matter red,
and new Levis blue. ****** right, too, right.

- selah, we have a thread, marked thus,
- selah, wait here. Pause, hold this thought
- selah, wish you were here
we as wished were here,

all along the watchtower, jokers,
shooting craps with gamblers, Silverman,
big old pre Greek exchange clan,
ran the final stretch of one last hope roll,
I swear,
I saw him roll seven straight passes
on seven odd points,
and all my winnings were gone, and my wages.

Oy vey, s'okay, watch people drink on TV,
Pray like that is posed to be heaven,
on earth, the pinnacle of success,
single malt whiskey,

ha! That spirit boin bleu, boy, s'tolen you,
too many many many time to be tolen you
another time like doing this whole hell you

made up, for science sake, to know,…

How did the declared eternal worth standards
survive?
How has the balance of power story narration
wobbled on a bejeweled pivot pointing toward,
- eight billion breathing mortals,
- each finger unique, we suppose,
Share the produce,
share the effort to produce,
share a mind atuned to function over form
- The Emperor's New Mind.
- What good is knowing how small one is!
The Last Emperor's chirping cricket,
same message, same frequency,
ready
steady, quotidian duty, uniform clothing allowance,
nothing to do but think,
set the pace,

all day each day, breathe mindful or not, breathe
and be,
**** sapien, mudmadepentaform,
knowing enabled,
born naked and essentially
knowledgeless, no science,
no knowing easy from impossible.
- many magneto electro buzzings
- screeching too high to hear,
Thump.
Aha. Certain instrumental effects.
Clangggging clang, riviting ratatat machine gun,
toys of the current oldest generation's wildest pretendence.
- We all had a machine gun noise,
- and declarative gotcha, y'r dead.
- We learned Washington played war, and lead.
- Even as a boy, boys naturally followed
- the father of our nation, one, under God.
- Exceptional in the most noble classified codes.

Back in the day, in the olden times, let's pretend, make believe

we saw, maybe, five movies in a year, or less, from birth
to age eleven, or so, budding years, slow groaning summers.

Then, we got electricity, that was
1943, we moved to town…
said the old uncle, from some time ago.

Being 2023 curious, having asked what good
could be useful through me, ah, as when we pull
down strongholds,
big orthogonal law abiding piles
of non living stones,
edifying soaring declarations,
embodying the entire order of God.
From whom all blessings flow,
through the leader, who translates art.

Worth is measured at the ticket booth,
the box office keeps tabs.
The audience votes with the reaction
to the bait.
Trolling for nibbles, snakey lick sense, feel,
mmm hmmm inter, between state, pose
relative rest, now, here, interesting, esse.
-Warrior mindset, new tools, new reasons
war after madness sets in,
this is no time for sabers of any sort,
spells and tells, and told means to ends,
secrets held to the death,
seep from the records,
Nixon's karma tapes,
Nancy's stars telling her to say NO.
Dare exposure deemed good parenting.
We pull down
imaginations that have exalted themselves,
Ai, we each have our own art, I insist I am not you.
Line after line, letting go guilty leisure, persist in youness.
- plants are gateways away from synthetics
- dye to distinguish your cloak of no color.

Dare be nada mas, not coo', not hot, just fine,
traditionally, right, how you do in'? Just fine,
perfectly acceptable interaction between strangers,

eyes met, prompting projection, yes, you, I see. So what,
fine grain realizing, how I'm doin', just fine, thanks
for asking
in passing… shine on the serial sadness, a little light,
fills the inbetween, you see.

all fell silent around me
tho could hear humansounds from highway now ethereal
as if noise had been turned down on world
no longer screeching threat

where is everyone what are they doing
suddenly irrelevant as now realized
piece of every soul i ever touched
i carry with me forever
i light at night to keep warm
big fireside grinning buddha meditation
never forgetting

until so swollen with joy of
our six degrees beautiful imperfect chaos crashing
can hardly breathe but to love everyone
all better now no longer cold and empty
can feel multitude of proud heartbeats
can hear a thousand new cough lungs
sweet histories and meanings

left with calm immobility no need to tell
they know too the cold night old soul warm heart connection
now sure of this
paralyzing somatic reconnection
creep thru solemn autumn garden
whoever's next in line
can have what's left
done fighting

Forcefully, feed me this love.

No. No need to ask about my consent,
my mood,
whether I'm fine with tasting this reconnection,
whether I desire my suffering to be sweet,
salty, bitter, repulsive;
It is the love that no lover is fed into by choice.

So, ravage my core with your cruelty,
I am content; fleeing holds no allure;
Rip into my bone cage until rats seek refuge within;
until they are disheartened by rain seeping through;
Like was I.

The patient is not faulted for their ailment,
even if they induce it intentionally,
and even then, it is understandable;
For this love acts as both affliction and antidote.

It is a certain drowning, Tick Tock;
I repel rescue; no one need attempt it now;
In the days to come, no one shall be blamed for this choice.

Take me eastward until we reach the west;
There, the sun feels icy;
the breeze, refreshing;
Transport me far beyond the confines of yearning,
The confusion of longing;
Let me encounter your childhood, your aged self, and youth;
Let my wrinkles serve as your rollercoaster;
I'll bear your weight as you frolic;
And there you are; simply laughing.

Incinerate, burn, lose all our maps;
so thoughts of return dare not surface;
until regret looms, yet repentance remains elusive.

We're distanced;
and in this, lies a joy hidden from the eyes of owls;
Beyond the raucous cawing of crows;

Say that I snore;
then depart,
And leave me to harvest wheat from those hills.

Stasi shredded stripes
bags of systematic
bureaucratic
destruction
of memories &
moments in time

Bagged, gagged & tagged
in sylo’s
bunkers full
crammed with broken
histories
fragments of faces
letters
postcards from beyond
blue, yellow and green
in grey

Inhumane
cynical destruction
of hope
slivers of the disappeared
commandeered
processed
pushed
mechanically
through the sharp teeth
of a hungry system

The greatest reconstruction
Reconnection
Resurrection
Of a nation
Continues
Every weekend
As the many mend
the states’ excess

the most beautiful glass hearts are shattered,
patterned with perfect imperfections,
stained with painful expression of
rejection
dejection
reconnection
ingrained in the scattered reflection:
white light sliced into spectrum ascension,
the pension of attention.

Nothing has changed, nothing will, not this way.
I am a poor fool, bound to you
And begging, on my knees, for every scrap you toss my way.
Reconnection leads to reinfection,
I am a sad fool,
A mad fool, to risk again, all that I have.
And yet, as you reach out…I am lost,
Clinging to virtual words, dreaming of a world that’s gone,
Trying to glue together something shattered
Wishing for time reversal, praying for a miracle
To salvage my remembrance of a desperate year.

one year.
it took one year for you to realize that you don't want me.
I'm not sure if you ever did.
we were best friends first, lovers second.
I was there for you and you were there for me.
I tried to help you, but I'm not good with words, you see,
but i tried so so hard--- and that has to count for something, right?
It hurt so bad when you said i couldn't understand, because I did,
I understood you so well.
I couldn't emotionally support you how you wanted
and I think in the end, that was what broke us
Along with other things.
We had so much fun together,
I felt alive with you.
You took me places I've never heard about, let alone ever been to.
You broadened my horizons,
You valued me and believed there was something special about me.
But that's all someone wants, right? to be wanted?
For most of the time I felt wanted by you.
In the beginning, I was so sure we would work.
I felt it in the way you looked at me
and I wanted you so badly.
Summer was great and then we had a scare.
You were more scared than me
and I think that was because I knew I loved you
and you knew you didn't.
I couldn't tell you I did because I was so scared of losing you.
So I detached myself, for my own protection
and we drifted.
I thought we had ended and you would only think of me as a best friend,
but then I told you I was going on a date.
You couldn't let me be happy for one second,
you couldn't let me out of your selfish grip.
The very next day you told me you loved me
and I was still so scared.
So scared of being vulnerable, so scared of what would come next.
But I told you I loved you too, but that didn't seem to be enough.
You treated me like dirt and I think I figured out why you are verbally abusive.
It's because your dad was like that with you.
You never learned how to properly love someone,
and I desperately hope you figure it out soon.
We reconnected for two weeks,
and me being a hopeless romantic that won't let my guard down so easily,
I knew it wouldn't work, despite all hopes.
After that reconnection, I felt empty.
I tried to come up with an explanation why and I couldn't figure it out.
Although we did love each other, we weren't "in love".
All I wanted was to be wanted.
And only by you.
But we decided to remain friends.
Then I changed my mind.
You could never commit to me, I figured that out after that one time you asked me to be your girlfriend and then took it back the next day.
After almost a year,
you finally figured out what you wanted.
Not me.
"I'm not your type"
I will never understand how you can love someone who isn't your "type"
but I will always wonder what's so wrong with me that you couldn't keep loving me.
And I will always wonder what's so wrong with me that I could love someone who I knew could never treat me the way I deserve.
I will always love you, and I will always be there for you.
But I will also never be able to be myself with you again.
I showed you my most vulnerable parts and you denied me
and I am so ashamed I let myself get that close without a commitment.
My mom recently said, "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free"
and I took that to heart.
I will find someone better, I know I will.
and they will want me for me,
not for my body, nor my money, nor because they think they can take advantage of the shy girl with her heart on her sleeve.

it is a bit past 3 AM and i am waiting for you to see me.
see me, see me.

you told me to write you a poem so here it is.

i am invisible and i am waiting for you to see me.
i cannot make myself seen, i cannot make you look.
so i wait. i wait, for it is all i can do and i cannot live with the feeling of doing
nothing.
powerlessness, in its all its bitter comfort, cradles me like an old friend.

a reconnection.

right now i am putting on the record we both like and i am pretending that you and i are the only ones who have ever heard it.
in a brighter moment i might sing.
in a brighter moment you might see me.

but for now, invisible,
i dance. my feet kiss the floor and my fingers kiss these keys and i am writing you the poem you wanted and waiting, waiting, always waiting.

you may not see me but i will write as if you do.

(a.m.)

She grew up in a land of bliss
where nothing could go wrong.
She protected herself with a night light and a parent's kiss,
she thought she was so very strong.
She read poems and books and wrote all day,
She filled her head with knowledge.
She charmed people in her own special way.
Her dream was to go to college.
One day everything ended,
she realized she grew up.
Many hurt feelings were left un-mended.
She was no longer a young pup.
Nothing turned out the way it was intended.
She wondered to herself,
"Is this really maturity?"
Her feelings were always left on a shelf.
"Why is everyone in such a hurry?"
Then she realized with distinct clarity,
The monsters were not in the closet or under the bed,
She had been fooled and had never expected this reality,
Actually all of the scary monsters were in her head.
After that things were tough,
Life turned upside down.
She had realized that life was rough.
It was hard trying not to drown.
Hope seem lost.
She lost faith in her fairytales.
"Safety" was found at such high a cost.
Her grades went from straight A's to fails.
She went into drugs.
She got mixed up with the wrong people.
She hung out with the thugs.
Her attempts at escape from this life were feeble.
She got so lost, she tried suicide.
Help seemed hard to find,
Scars no longer seemed to hide.
Then one day someone was truly kind.
He seemed to be from a fairytale, a Prince Charming if you will.
He had such an understanding heart.
He too was quite ill.
Together they found a fresh start.
The sun seemed brighter if they were together,
The road was still dark some days.
Their names were bonded forever,
Life was new in so many ways.
She began to pass again,
Teachers noticed her improvement,
They recognized her reconnection with her skill of pen.
Her story had begun a movement.
She turned her struggles into a book,
It was read far and wide.
Many people took a look.
For once, in many years she had pride.
Her marks continued to get better,
Many colleges wanted her.
She had been released from her fetter.
Although, she knew her past would never be a blur.
Finally, she had become strong.
She realized not everyone gets a fairytale ending.
She dedicated her life to help others carry on.
As for her Prince Charming?
He made it too.
They got married and continued to inspire others.
It turned put his heart really was true.
Their lives were filled with many bold and beautiful colors.

cities topple
and the sky collapses
inward
eternally striving
for reconnection to the
relative.
two lovers entwined for first time
only blocks away.
As lives end
one begins to wake to morning dove songs
bedded by wildflowers
paradise we've all been seeking for so long. all for
the last two and a half people.
Perhaps God's will,
perhaps the Bibel is a prediction
Perhaps not or perhaps we will never know
only love circulates in our veins now

Vancouver Bay, viewed out the front
window, as out the back door,
the snowcapped Olympics loom..
A beautiful ocean breeze  here
in Port Angeles.. and amazing
warmth,  in the sun.

Hours long visits with my Mother
yesterday and today.. and then us
finding a long lost cousin  on
ancestry .  com  when we get  back
to the house. Pictures of dad there
when he was young before the war.
Stories and memories  from Mom
about before  and after, everything
went bad.

And pictures, pictures, pictures
of before it went bad..

      but none after.

I feel the distance  of the memories
but not the pain. I hold Momma close
within the knowledge  that nothing
whatsoever  has a hold on me. Elaine
is serving meals and catering to
our mother in her Rainman-like
attempt, to keep all her pain at bay;

    She is flesh of my flesh..
    blood.. of my blood.
    There with me  from the beginning--

    amidst the horrors  far beyond
    a child's innocent vocabulary
    to describe.

Back home she opens up
ancestry . com again  as Harlan talks
about his adoption  and attempt at
reconnection with his blood family,
once he finds out who they are.  Few
even want to acknowledge his  existence.

   The distant cousin of ours
   wants to tell Elaine about Dad
  right after the war.

After she responds, I **** on her
leg and then wave another, directly her way.
She's trying  to keep from laughing
as she fakes throwing up.

   I **** on her one more time
   just to show her who's boss..

She's like a machine  in her need
to take care of Mom. We take pictures
when again,  back over there..
I keep messing the timer up
on my phone's camera,
I think Mom wants to be left alone.

I don't think Mom ever
wants to be left alone.

She straight-arms me when I try
to help her up from the table.
I step back,  
but don't take it personally.
Back on the couch..  she's
she's cranky now, because the
current New York times  arrived
with a tear. She opens up the
business section and I tell her
Warren Buffett is my new boss.
She's very pleased with his ownership
of our company, and then immerses
herself into her newspaper.

   Elaine says its time to go.

She will ask Elaine again tomorrow
morning if I was really here..  or
was it her imagination. I will show
her again tomorrow that I am very
real. There have been horrors  beyond
description. There are years and years
and years,  of my letting go.

Back at the house, I sit on the front
steps and stare out at the bay.
Victoria Island is beautiful.
The Olympic Mountains are breathtaking.
Time with Harlan and Elaine  as the
sun goes down. I wave a **** one more time,  
her way.. for good measure.  
She brings me Rocky Road ice cream  
because she remembers its my favorite.
I muster up one more **** her way
before heading off to bed.

She comments about my strength.

Back down in the guestroom,
you are on top of me--
your beautiful thighs  straddling my hips..
You've been working out, beautiful girl
that firm ***..  feeling so incredible
in my hands..
You ease your beautiful, warm wet
slowly..  down on to me
in your desire to  bring about
   for each of us..
   the most beautiful,  deep release.

You kiss me deeply,  as our bodies  writhe
in deep ******--
Beautiful ****,  to my chest
as I pulse the warmth  of my *****
deeply,   in to you..

"This is the death  of all death, beautiful girl"..
I whisper into your weary spirit
as your beautiful *****..  gushes deeply
all over my warm, pulsing  flesh.


..And suddenly  we are *******
in the warm,  pouring rain--

https://www.pornhub.com/view_lala-la-la-lala-la



       You are overcoming, beautiful girl.
                         ~xoxoxo~

As children in my playhouse,
You climbed and crawled around me.
I did not retain much
Except your joyful,
Distant
Playing.

I remember your great swing set.
You bring to mind my violin.
Regardless of few memories,
You were wildly
Within.

My small hands gripped toys.
Yours pushed off floor and wall.
I was invisible to you then
And your budding
Attention span.

Your eyes darted to and fro
And curls bounced up and down.
Nothing held your attention long
Except your untamed
Singsong.

Fast-forward to the present,
Over a decade later.
We’re laughing uncontrollably,
Dancing through
Hose water.

I was scrubbing my car’s hood.
You were rinsing the passenger door,
Both of us
Occupied
As we’d been
Before.

Your chin rose from the stream.
My arm circles slowed.
Our eyes locked,
And time stood still,
Child’s play
Revoked.

I was nothing to you,
Then I disappeared.
Years brought us maturity.
And reconnection,
Love.

What is on my mind?
Well take a look at what I write.
               These are what I choose to say.
What I understand.
                                Or think I understand
                                          For now.
For thoughts are always forming,
                                        growing,
       ­                                 evolving,
            CONSTANT

­Things need to change.
              Become different.
And not just with me.
           With you.
           With Others.
                                 With the World.
            With the way our souls connect.

You have no idea what is going on in a strangers life.
The least you can do is put
                                           a Smile on
                                      For them regardless
                                        of how you feel.

It does not matter what you say,
                            what you do.
As long as you make a kind gesture
To acknowledge an "Others" existence.

We do not need analysis,
Theories made up and 'proven'
Words over drawn and meanings miscarried.
Thoughts over done and
Spoken words misleading.

All we need is that reconnection
Reclaim what we once had.
               The Beauty of Everything
                    At our fingertips,
                     In our full grasp.
                  Lost.
                           But not gone.

While I say this,
I understand that I cannot know how
Things actually were way back when.

But look at the people right now,
Living in similar situations as those before us.

                        Yes.
                               They still exist.

They are Happy.
Though they have little.
Often none.

So where I am.
Where we are.
Is not where I'm supposed to be.
    Not where I can exist.
    Not where We can exist.

Where personal destruction found
Worldly disaster will soon follow

As we destroy ourselves,
Help each other dig those graves...
We are also destroying earth.

So how can we live,
     How can I stay alive

How to get there?
        This abysmal place where all is well.
These material things cannot follow
                They weigh down,
                        Provoke,
                Provide measurement.

There should be no scale.
Each moment should be one to share,
                                        one to learn,
                                        one to grow,
                                        one to offer.

The greatest gift you can give to others is to let them Experience You.

The greatest gift others can give to you is to let You Experience Them.

                                                               ­                                                   **June 7, 2013

Hmm I'm sure u being angelic with the movement of ur fingers dipped in
the well of nothingness to filter them to paper

When sudden nothingness tames my fingers, as I make love to these key
pads I forget that intoxication got me telling tales I thought I had
burried...

Buried in shallow graves where passerby's could for a moment glimpse
at an age never lived a time never recorded a place where there and
here are joined in the apex of yesterday, so shed a tear they will 4
us...

Like a corpse' that once lived, reconnection took its tall in heaven
if not in hell cos earth was a just a play ground of uncertain
emotions that got blew by futures winds...

winds timid, crimson to those we left behind while in our sparkle...
I noticed a tear drop on the left side of your chick
Portraying a silhouette of raw emotions strung by the touch of time
My heart could not bare the brand of the pain she has felt, feeling, endured
My touch was cold to her breast
My word drowned her soul
All I can
All I could was just love her
The scare I could not mend

Love endures pain, love endures hurt, love conquers all, if its felt
deep then its true, regardless of the ebony dress it shadows itself in
when night is upon us. Day feels like a horror movie when words
recited suddenly fade like those credits @ an end of a movie...

We few we lonely few, who sit till the tape runs dry, not to encore
not to support, just to hold on to the scrapes of memories that we
build during the play coz the memory hurts more then the end. We hold
on to it the hurt just to feel close...

The hurt tends to feel close because fear takes its toll when the
thought of relinquishing seems pretty scarier than moving on to what
makes us happy. Opening a new chapter gives birth to to misery of the
unknown yet tales are to unfold in masquarades of what we wish not to
uravel...

We wish not to unravel... Unravel a forbidden tale of ravens and
eagles dining in the cauldron of tears wept in joy, that fear to say:
I made my heart an open book for you to novel upon, while I make love
to the words ur lips dare not utter but your eyes invite me to bed.

With my eyes wide shut, the world becomes more clearer, a little more
refined like a sip of spanish wine. With every sip a blue rose petal
forms and deforms due to the dew formed from falling from grace. Tis
magnificent behind the eyes of a poet
Conversation between the sheets

No *******, no poems. Nothing to hide behind. I remember listening to this Modest Mouse song, freshman year of high school. I had 20 bucks of **** **** socked away in a ps2. I had so many deep, but not intricate feelings. Maybe these are the best kind... It was a year of a fresh new start. I felt like the outcasts in all the halloween specials and ******* I had watched, as well as this tragically different being. I started hanging out with E. He's an indie wrestler nowadays. But back then we mostly smoked our cannabis, made jokes about historical events or political agendas. We were in a video production class. The class let us roam in and out and off of school grounds, missing other classes even. It was perfect. I met the older kids, we'd drive around, I just remember it now as sunny and a little chilly. I even lost my virginity that year. It was a train wreck of a relationship. Two people trying to hard to be older than they were. She was a senior then and had just lost her father... I still wonder sometimes if she's okay and I don't know why. It's not romantic worry, it's not hoping for reconnection, it's just a sentimental anxiety. It was a time of friends, running in nature and crunching leaves with my cross country team. It felt right. It felt so good to be old enough to be the freaks and the geeks all rolled in one. I didn't know then in 5 years who I'd be. I didn't know those people would fall away from me. My fitness would fall away from me. I wouldn't go to the library high with E anymore, shooting nonsensical politically engaged videos, full of bad hidden jokes and nearsighted irony. My sophomore year E stopped attending high school. We stopped talking so much. I haven't seen him in 3 years now. And only then it was a quick hello, his hair has grown so long. His eyes didn't look rebellious but lit with hope anymore, they didn't race. He looked older, real-er. Our momentary grasp on time and reality gave through the cracks in our hands. Now I sit at university. Barely scraping together classes for some mod-podge video art minor. Sometimes I feel like I like film because it reminds me of those old times. I still have fun, I still have experiences that ******* away, and at only 20, I'm sure I have many more to come. But I still can smell the cars and the schoolrooms, feel the trails and the weather, and taste the air and the packed lunches, from half a decade ago. I peaked in high school, and I'll never belong anywhere as much again.

When you were gone
I desired death
Yet still, I stand
Listen to the recital:
Do I idealize isolation?
Or have I become so familiar
That it turns to home?
Homegrown, raised in the sleet
Placing heads over sheets
Just to go to sleep
Do I think about death
Because I want to be with you?
Or do my cravings
Represent life without you?
I miss you, I love you
Would you be proud? How old are you now?
Can we watch TV on the couch?
Can I have a hug? Can you tell me it's all over now?
Please, show me
Where must I go to find you now?

Dear Cody,
You have been and always will be my brother, filled and overflowing with love I could never comprehend.

Dear Tim,
You are my protector, my safeguard and stronghold, seeking justice when you know injustice is present.

Dear Paul,
Joy radiates from your smile, and you chose to smile despite everything you've been through.

Dear Micheal,
I'll always cherish the years we had together, though I wish you were sitting next to me on the piano bench instead of a prison cell.

Dear Ty,
Originality and authenticity are difficult to find these days. May you never lose that spirit.

Dear A.J.,
I've never met a man who stood so strongly by his convictions. I hope we can make music together again someday.

Dear Ben,
Thank you for the years of consistent handshakes and hugs. I could never articulate with words how much they've meant to me.

Dear Brigham,
The love you want so badly to give away could overflow the oceans. Never stop being reckless.

Dear Cole,
After three years of painful silence, reconnection with you is the sweetest redemption I've tasted yet.

For all:
Now go, conquer the world, follow your convictions, keep your candles burning, fuel your own flame, and spread the love you posses like wildfire.

The warm crackle of static laughter resounds;
the red-hot embers of reconnection
boiling down to the marrow.

I remember home,
though it all seems so long ago now.

Familiar faces,
neglected lovers;
our teenage dreams,
and childhood rivals.

Where do they all go
anyway?

I am a surfer
A peak seeker
Looking for the next crest
The very best
The time better than the rest
The time when the energy
Flows
Grows
Glows

When every neuron in my mind combines and unifies
A grapevine fire
Each power line burns with the surge of electricity
Reconnection without surgery
Neural plasticity
Electric elasticity
In this new configuration
My mind becomes a conflagration
I glow brighter than the sun
My life has just begun
I am infinite
Yet I am one
With all the world
And it’s with me
Wireless
Electricity
Connection
With infinity


That is just the start
I am but a part
Sometimes a spark
A beacon in the dark
But often just a speck
A mote afloat in a dark ocean
And so I search, a shark in motion
I swim
I feel
I open myself to the sea
I see all the possibilities
Rippling with realities
Feeling through the frequencies
I intermingle and interact
Imbibing vibrations to guide exploration
Going with the flow
Until that flow shows me freedom
When I swim in the deep end
With a pool of other motes
Each of us just one note
But when we sing in harmony
There is no beauty quite as free
Each of us ignites
Fire on the water
Glowing oh so bright
Entangled, getting tauter
We connect and intersect
The energy demands respect
The motive is beyond suspect
We live, we die, we resurrect
We flow together
Create a wave
The wave
My favorite
I savor it
I crave for it
I was made for it

Because I am a surfer
I ride this wave
I am this wave
One of many molecules
Sparkling with untold joules
Electrical, aquatic
Our flow so hypnotic
Clean, fresh, non-toxic
Neon, tidal
Unfinished, untitled
Undiminished, unbridled
A perpetual motion
In this vast ocean
Once we were alone
Now we’ve found a home

I sought this peak
And now I summit
Eventually we all plummet
Back down to sea level
And yet I still revel
I unwind in the undertow
Beached when the tide is low
I still bask in the wonder though
Awash in the afterglow

There is something refreshing about the sea,
a renewing of the soul,
a reconnection to the earth,
a resetting of circadian rhythms.

The sounds of crashing waves,
the roaring of the wind,
the saline taste of the water,
and exfoliating grit of the sand.

Bright sun's warmth, tanning skin,
renewing vitamin D levels,
coconut butter lotions,
enhancing relationships with sol.

Laughter from overhead, as the gull's joke,
majestic brown pelicans riding the breeze,
clams digging back in after each passing wave,
jumping mullet splashes, and the dolphins breathe.

Flashing silver scales of mud minnows,
and quick eye-catching motion of mole *****,
the fear of the pinch of the blue crab,
terror of a shark bite or sting ray barb possibilities.

So much life at the land's edge,
to see, hear, feel, taste and question,
for those who have never been,
can never understand the primordial need.

There will be a blue steel gaze piercing through a wall of denial built by defeat and disaster.

There will be a collapse of flesh pulling on you from days and heavy nights on an endless nowhere road headed for toil.

There will be indistinct shapes roaming curious nights painting silence into unknown words where wild creatures rise up from depths to take in needed breaths.

There will be a loneliness so thick it makes all the lady bugs trapped in spider webs seem like child's play compared to this abandoned corner of yourself.

There could be a reality so pure that just by breathing the air turns wretched power players into righteous saints waking up to a golden staircase leading to a brighter galaxy.

There could be a desire pounding and breaking steel
with fierce invisible knuckles inside a stranger you just passed by on a street untamed by mystery.

There could be a ruby hiding beneath pine needles begging to be found by anyone.

There will be a volcano hiding below your carpet anxiously awaiting to cover you with fire.

There will be a planted thought from your mother's mouth driving nails into the drywall of your future house
that still has a way to burn teeth into your hopes even after 35 years of wind and forgotten dust.

There will be dreams sneaking through a window and sliding through your overworked mind trying to ease the defeat of yesterday.

There will be a storm rising from swollen eyes of a universe out of touch with itself-
starving for reconnection.

There will be hearts closed up and left to wander.

There will be highways to heaven that are open that lost eyes won't perceive.

There will be stolen lives
effecting us
this loss will have a way
to burn teeth into a blue steel gaze that has the power to break through walls and find truth covered up, abused, mocked, and left to die.

There will be fire
written in your heart
that will defy it all.

As a girl, her hands traced it in the soft darkness of summer
And that was all it needed: the tips of 4 fingers to say, “I will consume you now,
I will overtake your everything, your you.”
She promised and she didn’t know, and it happily devoured her
She was happy, too

As a woman, her hands snapped it in the hidden places of night
And that was all it needed: the evidence of 1 act to say, “I might disappear now,
But I will continue to consume you.”
She felt her old promise, and it easily burned her
But she had been easy, too

It is a shower for one, a leftover shirt, a journal
It is loneliness, cluelessness, a hoping
It is a nightmare, a few blunt words, a knot
It is reconnection, thankfulness, a knowing

It was a day, a smell, a letter, a clover
It was joy, a warm bed, it was a kiss and a day made
It was a basement, a taste, a song, a child lost
It was pain, it was bareness, it was a declaration and tears

It can be 6 years of life and it can be a home
It can be 2,190 days drugged and it can be a prison
It can be willfulness
It can be contract

Yet it remains a system of organs, of muscles, of bones
It is held together with smoke-roasted skin

It remains a collection of memories, of touch, of letters
It is held together with never-ending care

Many times I've circled the solar system,

And as I age the colors fade. My world is old to me,

The magic leaks away.

The oppressive thoughts crowd and clutter,

Corporate Slavery takes president over fairy houses and tree climbing.

So when I see the world through the eyes of a lover,

It's as if I am a child again.

The pain has been washed away.
The monotony of this old world belongs to the true adults.

I'm light as a child, and free as a bird.

Through the face of my lover I see the whole world.

I guess that's what love is.
What love's meant to do.

Make us see the beauty again. Hear the music, feel the breeze, wish to soar,

Maybe it gives us wings to try.

And even the pain. The shattering of a beating heart.

The pain is potent
and real
and beautiful.

It's a child's emotion. Raw and important. We need it.
We need it to remind us that we aren't stone,
we are bodies that heal and regrow and adapt every day.

Lost souls, last words, Separation and the prayer for reconnection.

Kisses and being held, Feeling safe in the arms of another.

Being seen as a soul of purest light.
Staring into the eyes. Two bodies, one universe.

Makes me feel small and safe. Like a child again.
Being loved unconditionally.