1. Don't get angry when you dream about him smiling in slow motion. Do not awaken and sob, because you love his smile more than anything and it will not do for you to bawl when he was just trying to make you happy.

#2. Forgive him when he slips into your bed at night and holds your hand while you're trying to sleep. Don't resent him for leaving his smell all over your sheets, all over your room. You love the way he smells, and it gets cold in the grave. He just misses your warmth.

#3. Breath him in like smoke and let him rest in your lungs. Let him feel the way they expand and contract, because his never will again and he wants to feel it again.

#4. Everytime you close your eyes and see his, smile. Because he's looking at you, watching you. He had beautiful eyes and they were only for you and death, and now he has death but he only needs you.

#5. Do not commit suicide to follow him to the grave. He loves you and he would like to be with you, but he doesn't really want you to die like that, even if he says he does sometimes. He's just thinking out loud. People aren't good at seeing consequences once they have died.

#6. Do not regret not eating a piece of his flesh. It would have made you hate yourself. People would have called you sick. It's okay to have thought about it, they don't understand your grief, the need you have to own a piece of him. But he taps your special knock on the window nightly using the wind. You do not need to consume him to keep him.

#7. Do not resent him for dying. Even if he killed himself. Even if you loved him and he knew it and he did it anyways. Look at the sky and know he's in your rib cage, feeling your breathing and the listening to the beat of your heart. Do not resent him. He doesn't resent you for living.

I’ve been on this train for God knows how long
And the river beside us never seems to end
The sky has been bruised for the last seventeen hours
Honestly I don’t know what to make of it anymore
Smoke hangs in each of our lungs
The windows are all locked
They offer no relief
All I can do anymore is sleep and dream
To me that is enough because I see her there
She wears a little white dress that stops just above her knees
Dancing ankle deep in a lake I’ve never been to
A tiara made from white roses sits delicately on her head
The contrast of the flowers and her soft red hair is striking
She smiles and holds her hand out to me
I want to go out to her
To take her in my arms and hold her
But I know I will stumble and wake again
As it has been every time before
For now seeing her has to be enough
*~W.C.

Wait for me under a blackened night
eager to swallow us whole.
Upon the stroke of new day, the world
will shift and I will find you on tilted toes,
spinning towards celestial arms with the
magnitude of the galaxy coursing through my veins.

Show me the constellations etched in your skin.
Tell time to reach its palms to a heaven
above, giving us ability to explore a
divinity of our own.  I will breathe in the stardust
from your lungs and taste the eclipse of our destiny.
We will embrace the universe near its end.

Until azure paints the dawn indelible, hold me
before evening spits us onto pavement.
When dusk strikes four, the earth will twirl
and I will dance under the light of the Luna,
descending from the pull of your gravity,
listening for the yearn on your tongue.

i'll walk alone at night
through the wrong side of town
i'll step in front of a car
not care as i am almost run down
i'll drink until i fall
and wake up in some stranger's bed
i'll pollute my lungs
with tar and nicotine and dread
i'll let you throw your knives
as i graciously walk the line
because there can be nothing
more terrifying than my own mind.

*© Tara India.

I taste you on the tip
of every
cigarette I've tried
to replace you with,
to decay you with,
to burn you out and erase you with,
and no amount of tar on my lungs
could ever compare to the damage you've done,
or rot out the fragments
of you in me
(but I will keep trying)

I stand, cold.
ice white, lit bright by
delicate light
High above casting
block shadows basking
art in light.
I step front faced with
Monet ahead, to right, gaugin
I stare, Rembrant, clad in
thick frames reflecting
scant expression on the face
of art on art, tête-à-tête
I am wisps of turner set
in stone and city galleries
staring back into the old disease
of oil eyes meeting mine
receding grid tiles on floor, axis legs
axis, human waxes indifferable
from porcelain busts in clear boxes -
bowels of heart and lungs
quivering on canvas, draped
hastily on white walls
Cold light, turned down, reflecting
frame, but not the painting.

It's an interesting struggle,
Bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders
When you brought it on yourself.
It's even more interesting when you have no support.
When your shoulders sink and your feet drag and your heart does both
Sitting in the corner, with your knees tucked up under your chin
Your head resting gently on your legs, Your arms wrapped around your ankles
Fingers interlaced.
The last thread
Holding together a mess of pieces
A last shred of hope.
Waiting for some small morsel of comfort
Waiting for some measure of assurance
But truly what remains is hopelessness.
The only assurance is that you will grab the trashcan and
Systematically purge your stomach of its contents
Against your will
And then you will systematically brush your teeth
To systematically get rid of the taste and the burn.
You will sit down in the corner systematically and wait
Wait for the burp and the burn
Wait to grab the trashcan
Wait to hold your hair out of your face
Wait for the taste of bile
Wait for the heave
Wait for the air to rush back into your lungs
Wait for the taste of toothpaste
Wait for the paper towel against the chapped corners of your mouth
Wait to sit back down and
Wait for it to happen again.
And maybe
Maybe you will wait for some comfort
But the only comfort
Is the warmth of your favorite sweater
Well worn, and comfy
But a sweater only warms so much
When your heart and soul
Have frozen over
And anything meaningful
Remains in the closet,
A skeleton of judgement.
It's an interesting struggle.

I know winter has
arrived.
The nights
are now
frigid silent
As if the very
Chill
compressed soundwaves.

As if the very
cold that crept through to
my marrow,
unimpeaded
by however many layers I was wearing
(it was two),
laughing and biting my nose,
burning my
throat and lungs with
each breath,
could actually
block out the noise!

As if the very
ice in the air had
magnified the moonlight
wiped away the
fog and smog
pollution and dust.
Cold Air Filtration.

...And that's why, with
weather cold enough,
from high enough,
looking hard enough
mortals may see the light
but
will probably
Blink.

Tiptoe with me through roads of mottled rainbows
We’ll build a city of coffee cream clouds and crystallized light
Our sticky shadows can stumble jump rope with fizzling stars
And our light will tang in the air with peace

Every streecorner will have an off-key symphony
Played with tongues broken from laughter
Raise your arms to catch the words that’ve ballooned into the stratosphere
I’ll tangle my fingers in your palm to lift you higher

You’ll collect liquid moon in a sandcastle bucket
Drips of silver catching in your spidersilk hair
I’ll pour it down all outside the doily mold
It’ll twist down to earth in fractured motion

Trust me, I never knew how to fly
Only to fall, and to fall with broken hands
Jump with me and skate down a sunset
Dorothy ain’t got nothin’ on this kind of color

I’m blinder than an arsonist with night vision goggles
But only ‘cause I see with my heart instead of reflections of light
Life is opaque when your soul is an old one
Though I’m still getting drunk on the learning wine

Take a rose and ***** a finger on a petal
The softest feelings always have the sharpest bite
The devil’s left the details to hammer her way up to heaven
She’ll shatter kaleidoscope bullets into mosaics of sin

Love is the game that all the best dreamers play
I think up slow nonsense that fills my lungs with longing
Bright towns are always blurrier than the grey
And my brush is shaky from absent disuse

So bring me home (my home is you)
Build love from the broken rubble souls
Sing for our voices reaching higher than the sun
As my hair links with yours in the summer breeze

Frozen bubbles can chime on every door
Our bare feet will press into wet desert clay
Smiles will be painted pure and golden
And all the colors will fill our footprints as we walk away in joy.

Heart pounding,
Legs aching.
Pulse beats
Eyes close.

Breath quickens,
Lungs breaking their cage,
Mind is blank,
Excitement builds.*

I went on a run today, it was pretty good.

Last night you handed me glass to swallow,
shards to choke on,                       and I did.
I choked.
Blood immersed my lungs.
It flooded around my kidneys, my bladder, my colon,
brimming the muscular tendrils near my nerves.
Slivers knife the tissue enclosing
a once-pounding-for-you heart.
The soul I sold to you, for
you, is polluted beyond preservation.
It’s the extinct ***** in my body,
a hearth of life no longer there.

You yell at me for something I cannot help;
force me to ignore beliefs when I must deny.
I understand you see no room to budge.
I accept that it’s hard to grasp.
But if you call for me, I’ll run         run         run             to you,
and I can’t help that I love you:
the way you coerce my body to throb
and pump blood               through and through
though sometimes you clot it.
Your lips, magnetic, lure me near,
forcing an opening to suffocate
me as spidery limbs finger my veins
leaving traces of your web to tangle
me whole.

You’re my stonefish gliding
towards exposed skin, preparing
to attack with neurotoxins.
As ashamed am I
that only you are the antidote, too
even in great blue waves swallowing me
like I once did glass
in the end
                                                            I­ still sleep in your sweatshirt.

Thoughts racing, heart racing, lungs racing.
Stop.
Breathe.

This isn't real, you are not real, nothing is real.
Stop.
Breathe.

Falling, drowning, choking.
Stop.
Breathe.

Losing control, losing faith, losing my mind.
Stop.
Breathe.

Closer to the edge, closer to insanity, closer to you.
Stop.
Breathe.

I am broken, I am alone, I am surreal.
Stop.
Breathe.

In. Out.
Inhale. Exhale.
Let go.

Swallow all the salty sea
Pouring out the heart of me.
Suffocate in all you hate,
Radiate and fade away.
Sink into eternity,
The vice grip of mortality.
Leave me with new lungs to breathe,
Save me so that I may grieve.

Of all the dark rooms I have visited in my life
There's this one which my heart,
                                     my tears;
                                     and blood;
            have built a home at
Every part of me clashes in each wall
And I can feel my consciousness fade out with the rest of the world
I bathe in my existence alone
(in the deepest secrets that flow in my veins)

            Scratches on the floor.
            Footprints on my heart.
            Wrecks from the ceiling.
            Cobwebs in my mind.

Sighs
Warm and heavy and bittersweet sighs;
The forces within are the air I breathe
It suffocates my lungs but still allows me to live
It is toxic and I like it,
                                     every
                                     single
                                     corner
                                     of it
It is an obscure, bad, bad room only my alter ego knows about
Like a cozy place for making love.
Like a perfect space for plotting crimes.

I emerge at the calm before the storm
where they can't reach me by the quake
anymore.
Before the plunge I am unwithered and unworn
calling Mother at the folds where it was torn.

Cast as foetus and bag of stone
I am pulled down into a blend of effulgence
and the lungs linger in my mouth
before settling for breath between the bones;
marked by nascence and polished.

Held in an agitation of hands I am lifted
onto the summit of all things,
and she cries at the final separation
of our veins,
of our beings.

I'd rather be kissed hard than anything else.
Grabbed, pushed, pulled, tugged, bitten at.
Pain doesn't drive me insane, does it?
That sense of realization, that spark of hurt I feel,
I know I'm alive.
When I'm treated rough,
I know I'm alive.
I'm addicted to that feeling,
even if pain inflicted from others is what gets me there.

I would want him to push me against a wall,
hard enough that my skin digs into the harshness of it
as his mouth sloppily finds mine.

He can tear the air from my lungs with
every move he makes,
making it impossible for me
to catch my breath
like I'm trying to breath as
a fire's going on,
the flames licking at my skin
with a red hot tongue.

He can scratch at my skin,
pulling me closer,
as if being near will fill
the empty void,
the endless cloud of self hatred
buried deep in the lust
that we both feel.  

He can bite and **** at
my neck, my mouth, my chest,
desperately trying to taste every bit
of me like a wolf on a hunt

He can toss me and pull me
and treat me like I'm nothing while
whispering "you're everything"
off his fire tongue as I'm just
savouring my addiction of feeling alive.

My addiction of pain.
My addiction of rough.

Maybe I would have
been able to keep you
if you had been a lake.
Waters whisked by wind,
softly stirred in its sleeping
faint scent of flowers following
wafting, over my head, hovering.
Nothing to resurface. Your skin,
salt-and-pepper hair, veins
peeping from your wrists, squeaking
yellow rubber slippers, small mouth
taking sips of turmeric tea, all that I
remember, embraced by the waters.
Embraced.
Embraced.
Embraced.
For always.

But your heart has always been the sea.
So there's nothing I can do to stop how you
are more saltwater than I'd like, or how your
comings and goings are more waves than streams.

Still, I'd rather have you
crash over me sometimes than never,
swallowing me whole.
Stinging my sight.
Leaving my lungs
gasping for air,
just as long as you don't
drift too far for my feet to follow.

Quiet now, they whisper.
Their fingers are like paintbrushes on my skin
Leaving deep red welts instead of paint smears.
Careful now, they hiss,
Their fingers to my lips and it burns and burns.
I cannot scream, they’ve shoved my sound deep
Into my chest, and it thrums there, boiling and burning
Thrashing like a caged animal.
Still, so still, looking into a black mirror
And the only thing I see is myself;
I can’t help but feel I’m drowning under water
But there is air in my lungs, however harsh it may be.
My reflection stares at me with the blankness of a porcelain doll.
Cold, quiet, smiling in a way that I am not
The body I am in does not smile,
But my reflection does.
She smiles wide and vicious, blinking in deceitful innocence.
And she moves out of the glass, the smoky tendrils
Of her fingertips
Wrap around my wrists, painting all the way down to the bone
And the rest of them silence my screams.

remember when we were best friends? and every time you created a rainshower i was always there as the sun to clear up the puddles. remember when we would run our mouths like motor boats but there was always something to talk about. remember when we would laugh until we developed six packs and our lungs gave up remember when we were eachothers diaries remember when we were best friends?

remember on the first day of high school we were eachothers solid rocks and behind eachother every step of the way; and remember the second year when we didnt call. remember when i was there when you stole that snickers but i sealed my mouth as shut as an antique chest and the secret was lost in my secret garden never to be spoken of again. remember when those girls we saw as caddy and were the meaning of mean girls? we always said we would never transform into them. remember when you changed your hair masked your face and caged your feelings to become one of those plastic barbies? remember when you stabbed her in the back and kicked dirt in her face for initiation and left her in the middle of hallway and you flipped your hair up in the uniformed step away..with the mean girls. Honey you were the lindsay lohan of that clique-not the leader but the caboose of that train. you were to blinded by the shiny fame that dangled in your face.

remember when karma came back and bit you in the ***? remember the rainshower you created in result of being dropped and kicked to the side, in result of being that doll left on the shelf as result of being that tissue that was blown and thrown away as if you meant nothing remember that?

you finally remembered how i used to be you sun to clear up those puddles and make you warm again but now, you will ALWAYS remember, the way you used up my sun rays and threw me out when finished, the way you ran over my feet in order to get in that line the way you made me my spine just a little bit stronger with the tears that watered my esteem.

but what goes around comes around. im no longer your sunshine, but im now the darkness that lurks, that nothingness, i have no more rays of sunshine to warm you up and pick you up,
for what goes around comes around
i bet you will always remember that.

sometimes its easier for somebody to see what's wrong
when they can't hear you sob like
a hyperventilating storm
--------
i know you want to tear out your organs with your nails,
but please hold onto your insides for me,
because you are enough.
you are whole without needing love from people
who don't matter.
and you can't forget it, because you don't need approval from anybody but yourself.
and i want you to know
i'll never forget that time when we we're drunk and stumbling
and i saw that you had white scars slashed on your legs too,
and knew that I wasn't alone
because we knew one another's pain and we loved eachother for it anyway.
you are kind,
remember it. you are strong like a steel whip in the cold icy
morning of a december winter, but you are soft and kind and you are warm
like strawberry vanilla popsicles dripping and summer heat sweltering,
and please
never forget to be kind
to yourself
especially.

--------
please try to stop ******* everything up.
you make things ******* yourself, and maybe if you just learned to let go
and accept that your problems are no more important than every other single living being on this earth, maybe you'd smile a little more. your smile is beautiful, and i don't think you know that. life treats you so well, you just have to open your eyes and
WAKE UP.
you have to escape your little world sometimes,
and admit that we're all breathing in the same atmosphere into our lungs.
you can get better so easily,
you just have to let yourself.
because i know,
you aren't letting yourself heal.
let that small peach tree grow it's roots.

--------
giving yourself away to boys who only care about your body, won't make them care about your feelings. drinking until you fall asleep wont make the world disappear, it'll just make your memories sink to the bottom; you need to filter them out.
don't be afraid anymore, be real. be who you are under those layers of flesh and bones,
be the soul that screams and hammers to be let out. you are so real.
and worthwhile.
so many people care about you,
you are something magnificent and
it's not your fault. to be free, you need to stop blaming things on yourself.
let it go from your clenched palms, because things are getting better just as long as you make them that way.
i feel like you forget how strong you are, how you have so much power in those long, pale fingers. how you can create and destroy with the mere movements of your tongue.
i don't want you to forget that what you hide inside you is something gleaming and vast, and you should pull away the blinds
and let the sun shine through.

--------
i feel horrible because i was the girl who taught you that feeling was a horrible thing to do.

that because you let yourself
get too emotional over the fact that
i was too unattached to love you in the way you wanted me to,
and every time we tried, i would runaway from your waiting lips
and laugh like venom dripping behind closed doors to hide
from your confrontation about why i never wanted to let people love me
and return it.
now, you walk with a metal shield up
i remember you said a long time ago
“now i know every girl will be like you,
and i don't want to try ever again.”
i wish you would still tear up to really good music,
and let your barriers down.
because it's not true, there are women
who will treat you right,
and love your bad jokes,
and not lead you treacherously into their traps of poison and bones.
be true to the boy you harbor so reluctantly in your tough exterior
because i can still see him in your eyes when you smile,
and he's beautiful.

--------
you think that the words you write have nothing to do with what you hold inside.
you're wrong about that.
you are the things you imagine yourself to be, but you have to release them from the fear tight in your chest.
you aren't damaged, but people will see yourself that way if you hold your body like that. straighten your spine, darling, and pierce their eyes with the knowledge that you are
beautiful like vines crawling up gracefully over a window
you are smart like the cinnamon colored pages of old books,
you are mysterious like the deepest parts of the ocean,
and alluring like the soft, midnight tide.
nobody forgets about you, you aren't small in anybody's mind.
nobody thinks that your ordinary, they think you're fantastic,
and you need to break all your mirrors
and with scarlet dripping from your knuckles like rivers
on ice
you need to admit that you don't need them.
it makes me so happy to see you slowly blossoming
into the wild rose i know you are.
take care of yourself,
because that is the only way anybody else will be able to care for
you.
your soul is huge like the
morning sky
let yourself feel it.

--------
find your voice, and speak clearly to people who are shaking your boundaries, and tell them to BACK OFF.
yell it if you have to,
stop letting them invade you and squeeze your insides like they even have
any right to.
scream into their faces that you are not weak,
and let loose your mean side a little bit.
never let yourself be taken advantage of.
look into peoples eyes,
and search desperately for their truths.
if they don't hold their vulnerability raw and beating in their palms,
then they're not worth it.
never expend your energy to make somebody else feel better.
you can share with them your happiness, but never give it away;
because you are not an empty girl.
you are a fulfilled girl bursting at the seams with things it means
to be completely alive
and laughing
and feeling.
don't hide that.
people think its nice to be hurt
and it's so mature and creative and artsy to be damaged.
they think its romantic when you can be
“saved”
by a stupid prince who wont give you **** but a plastic crown and sore hips.
DO NOT GIVE INTO THAT *******.

your eyes crinkle when you smile,
and you have small teeth that are like
waxing moons.

nobody wants to be happy
because they think it wont last,
because they think its not beautiful
but you my dear are living proof.

She steals serendipitous words from the dead
Ranges them on comely pages,
Sybaritic springs filled to overflowing
Metered precisely, to the raving adulation of crowds.

Only dark closets speak to me,
Crying out their hoary linen secrets
While musty airs clog my lungs.

Why can't I have ghosts, fragrant as wind,
Free as balloons, loosed of their tether,
Instead of pilfered dust *****
And scattering bed bugs?

I shook hands with God

We made the ocean warm and cold
The waves crash like lightning
Earth rose from the sea
Jagged peaks and flat fields
Tree roots ***** into the dirt; fixated
Spreading branches like arms
dropping leaves like tears
Changing colors like emotions
We were wild man
We made this world
We had fun

Puzzle pieces of beasts
fur, feathers and stone
Some took to the sky
Others laid on the oceans bottom
And a man, adam, who ruled them all
We looked from above
Amazed how they grew
God didn't see euphoria in me
So when i wasn't looking
...so he decided to make you

And you were beautiful
On the 7th day god rested...
But we danced
We jumped on the moon
Laid in craters
I poked my fingers through
this deep black sheet of nothingness
Illuminated bright white light
I called them stars

We jumped
Fell fast from the sky
Wind through our hair
Wind through our bodies
Deep breath in, lungs filled with life
I let out everything I could
And we stopped so softly
upon a mountain of air
Holding hands floating through waves
I called them clouds
We were wild man
I made a world for you...with you

...and God gave you free will
Even though i made things
You chose to leave
dropped you down from heaven
so you could be yourself
God said you and Adam were perfect
I had to agree....

God wasn't looking
I took the form of a serpent
Tricked you and Adam with fruit
Opened your mind like you opened mine
God threw you out of Perfection
Making you and Adam roam the world
Nothing you grew would produce
But you were
.....together

God kept me in this shape
To Always crawl on my belly so you can step on my head
I told him i needed a home
He said, "Lucifer, I give you fire!"
...and here i am
With millions of other people
Who got scared because they lost control
We chose this fire

I shook hands with God Today

the smoke in my lungs,
tears in my eyes,
he is the break in my heart
I am suffocating;

Time.

he squeezes,
he grips,
demands, limits,
leaves no survivors;

Time.

A symphony
of harmonious flighted creatures
that sing
at the rising of the sun.
Ever changing
are the finite spirit forms,
gracefully gliding
through the sky and beyond.
In start
of every new beginning.

Clouded hues
segue into one another
as dawn
approaches the morning sky.
Eyes peer
through half opened lids
waking slowly
with the powerful stretch of
rejuvenated muscles
to honor the presence of another day.

Flighted creatures
make home in the tall
green bushes.
Together they greet the rising world.
Waving branches
bid 'good morning' to the passerby's,
in hope
that the earthlings below
take notice
of their majestic beauty.

Green hairs
blanket the moist earth
and intermingle
with fallen teardrops from nearby
tall bushes.
Forms without spirit dissolve into
chocolate sand,
that is food for the non-traveling
ground dwellers,
so the bushes may shade, house, and feed.

Deep breaths
are heard as the atmosphere exhales
fresh air
into the lungs of all nearby earthlings.
Tiny monsters
make home in the green covered
chocolate sand.
They crawl with many feet
through jungle
that is, to us, sprouting green hair.

Sky dwellers
have many feet, and many wings.
No feathers,
but tiny, contorted, aerodynamic bodies.
Wind gliding,
to travel far across the land
fulfilling destinies.
Sky dwellers
are food for the flighted creatures.

A cycle;
a synergistic food chain for all life.
Blissful beauty
in its absolute finest.
Formless spirits
serve as infinite energy for the finite
earthly masterpiece.
A world of divine forms,
living harmoniously
under the glee of the rising sun.

this floor feels like a raft
& i am a castaway
in an ocean of empty bottles
"don't worry wilson -
i'll do all the paddling"*
wading through the night
looking for morning's land
the soothing, softness of sand
i still feel you,
like phantom limbs
clinging to my hips
like the tide to the beach
like the smoke to my lungs
beer & cigarettes heavy on my breath
dread weighing heavy on my chest
last night,
my fantasy you fell out of love
with my saintly me.

Keep the windows open, in case it wants to fly away
maybe it is bored of playing hide and seek,
resting in between the empty spaces where even clock does not like to visit.
Keep the lids of sugar containers a little lose,
chances are, it will come back to the ones with whom it closely shares its nature,
How else did you think, there was sweetness in your life.
And do keep the inkpots full, because once it is back,
it might like to take a dip
and scamper its complaints on your skin
like tattoos, permanent tattoos.
It is love after all, and love will find a way.

But what if it does not come back?
Will you go out and look for it,
May be it is disguised in the red of the maple sitting in your garden and you thought it’s the nature,
May be these are its cold feelings soothing your sweaty temples on a hot summer afternoon – yet you moved on cursing the weather,
May be it is the warmth rising in fumes of the bonfire – but you heart is too chilled to feel it,
May be it is resting in your favorite banana walnut cake or folded in the layers of your favorite cheddar cheese risotto – but this only had to be your diet week.

Yes! You were looking, only if you knew where to look.

This time, look inside your heart.
turn off the lights….
hear your heart pounding louder, as if murmuring the prayers secretly,
feel the expanse of your lungs inside your rib-cage, airing the wings of otherwise rested butterflies,
wear its memories like a halo
and know when your feet sweep off the earth
it will arrive.
When the tears trickle from the corner of your eyes
and shine like medals of love under the moon lit sky,
when you will listen to the whispers of a quiet night,
know that it will arrive.
When you sit by the window
fingers scattered precisely to weave into its size,
lips waiting to seal the promise, no ink pots, no quills this time,
know that it will arrive.
When you are sure you don’t have to rely on the sugar containers to keep it by your side,
know that it will arrive.

And hold on this time because you must,
who knows what happens next time.

we were held together
by name tags and aprons,
cold air catching in our lungs
and warm cigarettes burning
between our shaking
finger tips

"guys it's 12:05"
didn't sound much
like a fact,
more like a suggestion

there was no outward
celebration
filled with
champagne
high heels
and a television
but a pensive
awakening
filled with
eye rolls
dark laughter
and light sarcasm

I thought about how
at this time
two years
earlier
I was trying
on a variety
of fake smiles
infront of the
bathroom mirror
in Amy's basement

well it's been
a while since
I've felt the need
for red lipstick,
even longer since
I've worried about
the stains it might
leave on my teeth

I guess we let the seasons
change with a distant sense
of apathy but even when
we can't feel the change,
we know in concentrated
recollection that not a
single thing has
remained the same
still, we hesitate to say
that anything is different

You're like a lighthouse
Signalling to me
As I drown out here
In the deep blue sea

You're like the seat belt
Holding me in place
As the cars collide
And glass cuts my face

You're the oxygen
As I suffocate
Flooding through my lungs
Pushing death away

You're the only one
Who pulls me from the brink
You keep me afloat
When I begin to sink

Into these thoughts
Of me dying
You're the reason
That I'm trying
To survive

You're like a doctor
Jumping my stopped heart
As I start to fade
and I drift apart

You're like the siren
Shaking me from sleep
As the fire burns
Flames devouring deep

You're the helping hand
As I start to slip
Catching at my arms
When I lose my grip

You're the only one
Who pulls me from the brink
You keep me afloat
When I begin to sink

Into these thoughts
Of me dying
You're the reason
That I'm trying
To survive

Oh you
My little heartache, should only be two
Meters away from me.
I would have to cross your oceans
And battle under and over nature
And sit right by you
Still
You're only two meters away from me.

Oh God bless you, little heartache, I’m a wreck without you!
I’m alone now, holy chest pain, but a shade.
Can’t you see my lungs collapsing in?
Can’t you see my pebble eyes go dark?

To you,
My little heartache, oh what right have you
To look so beautiful sitting there,
Oh what right have you?
Alive in unassuming grace.
You’re only human yet
you’re more in every single way.

Oh God bless you, little heartache, I’m a wreck without you!
I’m alone now, holy chest pain, I'm ashamed.
Can’t you see my lungs collapsing in?
Can’t you see my pebble eyes go dark?

God by you, little heartache:
I'll fall back to the ground.
Nary a gravestone to mark my words
Never a funeral to forget my flaws.

Oh you were good to me
My only heartbreak
Now go be good to someone else.

You breathe through silent sobs while everyone else is dreaming

You're careful not to let them hear because you've always preferred keeping to yourself

This pains become your normal so you say it's ok but every day the wound tears a little more

Spilling out the innocence inside, like the blood from a skinned knee on the sidewalk

Slowly at first but you can't stop the bleeding and soon all your bandages are soaked as you struggle to hold conscious

My hand is here, so grab it quick. I can apply pressure as you call for someone, anyone's help to keep your chest moving

I squeeze tighter in hope you'll know I'm here but you're already below the surface and I don't know how to swim that well

I know you can't do this own you're own so I sit by the edge waiting to hear you gasp another breathe of air into your lungs

I know mouth to mouth but my lungs are that strong

I wish I could give you more than a hand to hold

Breath in lungs
Beat in chest
Blink in eye

My first moments
The only moments
I've seen you

The only moments
I'd ever seen you

Until today

You left me
Cold and alone
All my life
And now

Thats how I'll leave you

ramblings of my craziness ~
its 1 : 28am and am walking in circles in my room with my lights switched off
the thoughts in my head are at light speed hitting me in the reversing direction in the back of my skull
silence finally speaks to me
such is the ambiance right now
cold and coarse outside
my feet are going numb because of this winter night
i can even hear the buzzing sound of nihility
echoing now
its overwhelming feeling all together
the feelings between my lungs are in havoc like a thousand supernovas at mayhem , detonating....
i just don't feel myself right now