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Artemis Aug 2020
Hello my name is Artemis at least thats what I would prefer you call me
But thats only if you must call me anything at all
I'm a ghost and I mean that in the most simple way
Not everyone will see me and even those that do will never be certain that I exist
And this is exactly the way that I have chosen for it to be
To some eyes this reads as a challenge and I must ask that you refrain
I don't want to be found and you would be hard pressed to track me down now
You can't chase a fox that has been planning an escape route in these woods for as long as they can remember
I've been living on mirrors watching people threaten reflections
Though I'm not certain if its of me or them and I know they can't tell the difference
I don't know what I or anyone else did to make them so angry
But I'd be lying if I said I was pained to see them suffering
I don't take direction well and if you had taken the time to watch and listen you would've known
These blades didn't have to be so invasive
But when you come to me demanding what I've kept hidden what else am I supposed to do
I'm sorry for what someone else did to you but that person wasn't me
And I will never take the responsibility for it
My life isn't here for you to control I'm more than capable of making my own decisions
I don't care what you want for me it doesn't matter to me if you think I shouldn't be left alone
You don't have the right to tell me what is up to me and what isn't
I'll show you every time its out of your hands and if you decide to hold it in your teeth I'll tear them out
The absolute lack of understanding you displayed was astounding
Even more shocking your acknowledgment that you wouldn't listen to a thing I say
But in the hours that you harassed me you convinced yourself you still knew what was best for me
Well I'm without you now and I'm still not wishing I didn't cast you aside
I told you I didn't like being touched and that only made you more intent on it
And you still had the audacity to tell me you loved me
I will never be able to relay how relieved I am that you were never able to define what that meant
When I told you the gun was loaded and my hands weren't shaking I wasn't bluffing
Did you feel foolish for trying to call it or did you call me a ***** again and fall for your next victim
I built these boundaries for a reason and hollow offers and rage fueled fits won't get you any closer
Why do I have to explain that putting my safe place in jeopardy so you'll be my friend isn't worth it
You offer nothing and expect everything so how truly surprised can you be that this was the final outcome
It's only been a few days now but you're not the last one who has tried to talk their way in
And I'm tired I'm so tired of being interrogated by people who think they hold something over me
There is no dark secret waiting to be revealed and if you can't believe that you don't have to stay
I only wanted to prove to myself that if nothing else about me mattered maybe my thoughts could
Maybe there were people who would listen without me having to scream until I have a mouth full of blood
I want to know what its like to be heard quietly
But that's not what you wanted for me
Artemis Jan 2020
Please excuse me if just for a moment
It’s been awhile since I felt like I might not cough out my ribcage
But what difference would it make really if I already feel unprotected
The feeling of vulnerability is nothing new but it’s never felt so prominent
Simply the thought that everyone else knows
That things aren’t as good as I intended to make them believe
But that’s no business of theirs anyway it’s not like they’re going to help
That’s why I’ve always buried it away but now it’s getting harder to keep down
One too many times I think I’ve slipped up and lit myself up with flashing lights
I am a liability a failure a malfunctioning existence looking for a way out
How am I expected to have anything to offer when I never asked to be here
Forced together and wound tight sent off before being factory tested
This doesn’t feel like delicate finesse or experienced craftsmanship
It feels like a doomed experiment
Any scientist would be condemned to death for my creation
But I’m here and I’m trying to rearrange all these wires to see if I can make anything out of myself
I know what I am and I’m sorry for most everything I’ve ever done
But preforming surgery on yourself is more difficult than it looks
Artemis Jan 2020
In my head at least I’m somewhere else far away from here I think
The grass under my feet is a dark green and it feels soft
Though I struggle to feel it at all only if I really focus on the wanting
It’s dark black consumes everything in the distance but I can see clearly what is there to see
I’m surrounded by broken stone I don’t know what it used to be
There are guesses that I’ve made but I’m content not to know in the end
The moss that covers the marble is pleasing in itself and I am comfortable here
But not everything is broken and crumbled  
Statues of angels are forming a circle around me
Wings sprouting from their back and there’s a part of me that wishes I was them
But something is wrong it’s the kind of thing that tickles the back of your mind at times and itches at others
Their eyes are closed and I feel like even inside the confines of my own mind
I am constantly reminded that the safety that I’ve found isn’t real
No one is watching over me the reality is that I am alone
But there is one who despite having her hands covering her face I can almost swear she’s peering through to me
And it makes me wonder how alone I really am after all
When I yell into the darkness is my voice received
Am I creating thoughts that land in someone else’s head after all
I still feel like I’m watching giants walk most days
But I still refer back to my insides where it seems someone has embedded themselves
I wonder if you’re still there or if it’s just my mind after all
Does any amount of screaming incline stone angels to open their eyes or am I losing myself
Artemis Sep 2019
Do you think that if I planted seeds in the graveyard
Could I pull you up kicking and screaming the whole way
Grasping at loose stones tearing at the dirt
Insisting you’re gone that you never want to see yourself again
Would the cold air be enough to convince you you’re alive
If the oxygen in your lungs burn as they expand is that enough
What if I pull your hand as you near the surface
Would you settle long enough for me to pull you out
I know you’ll be a mess and I promise I’ll bring a change of clothes
You’ll shiver and cry but that’s ok because you’re still human
You’re not dead yet so let me pull you back out
Quiet yourself and let it take you
Artemis Sep 2019
I’m sorry if it seems like I’m  looking down on you
That’s never been my intention but there are some things
Weighing on me heavily and as trivial as they seem they need to go
So I hope you take me in all seriousness when I tell you
The common factor in all your misunderstandings is you
And the fact that you can’t stop opening your mouth
There’s a reason you’re pushing everyone away
Of course no one understands you how could they be expected to
When you’ve been at this for years and you still can’t speak your own language
Your life is riddled with misunderstandings cause you don’t care about words
Throwing them around and they may land close but even the smallest of missteps can bring death
But you have much smaller things on your mind
So take a moment and learn something for once in your life
A cop in the dark with a flashlight in one hand and a gun in the other is suspense
Batman speeding down the roads of Gotham chasing the Scarecrow is thrilling
Horror is watching the little girl sleep walking into the wardrobe over and over until you notice the creature perched on top of it
It’s not all the same so learn the difference
Maybe if you knew it was ok for you to be mad at people you love you could navigate your life better
Being mad isn’t the same as being filled with rage and bloodlust
So stop acting like it is
Disappointment hurts but it doesn’t mean they hate you
But these are all things you never learned that you should know by now
So perhaps it’s time you slow down and take a second to think before you speak
With any luck this time you’ll choose the right words
And it won’t feel like everything is breaking all the time
Artemis Aug 2019
I’m sorry that I haven’t written to you in so long and I hate that I feel I should apologize for it
How long has it been since I’ve seen you last when was the last time I crossed your mind and what was the thought you had
There are parts of me that desperately want to know and parts that say you can burn in Hell
I still find myself clenching my fists on your account but not for the same reasons and I guess that’s growing
There’s a lot I hold inside and I’m told I need to let it out and admit that it hurts so I guess this is it
I hate that you could be proud that I turned out the way that I did because of how you hurt me
The fact that you could feel like what you did was right and it turned me into who I am makes my head spin and my stomach turn inside out
It makes me want to claw at my face and it drives these thoughts into my head that leave me nothing but shame and sick satisfaction
There are parts of me that hope you got better that you were able to heal and love yourself in your own way
I’ve let you sit here for too long locked away in a dark room not having seen the sun and now I’m dragging you back out in the open
You’ve rotted all the way through and I barely recognize anything I ever saw in you before
Pale and thin like fallen branches you barely still look human and if I’m completely honest it’s not hate or pity that I feel
I still feel love
Maybe you’re still struggling out there I don’t know and I more than likely never will
You probably don’t feel like you need it but I know I do so when I say this I hope you hear it
Let it echo through the tunnels of your mind I hope that you feel it ringing in your bones everyday for the rest of your life
By the grace of God alone I hope this haunts you in your dreams and it leaves you restless and uneasy until you learn why
I hope for the rest of your days it eats you alive from the inside
But I forgive you or at least I’m trying
Artemis Jul 2019
For the one who needs a reason to stay alive
I’m not going to write about the ocean or all the stars you’ll miss
Maybe you’re the kind of person who needs to climb every mountain they see
Just to get the sense of accomplishment that comes with it
But I won’t suggest that makes life worth living either
If I’m being honest that’s something I struggle with everyday too
Not to say I’m anywhere near ending things before they were meant
Only that everyday is like walking through mud for the sake of something to do
Yes the trees are beautiful and there is peace to be found there for some people
The night is stunning in all her gentle and soft reflection but the sad truth is it’s not long before the moon really becomes a less impressive sun
If you can find solace in these things all the better but for me that hasn’t been working
I’m still here because I’m stubborn and there are too many things I haven’t done yet that people told me I could never do
There is still more to do and a long list of people I have to make choke on their words before I leave
If you can’t find the beauty be stubborn and make it yourself
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