They had rushed to find me, suspecting,
But they couldn’t be sure
No more than I.
For though my purpose was clear, I was thwarted on every turn
First by my legs, which failed me
Then by others, flocking to the same place but a different end
And finally, 10 meters from my objective
My mind gave up.

And so I wandered, entranced and enraptured,
From exit to entrance and exit again.
Around me sounds blurred
To a grey rushing river —
I saw little
Only my feet as on I trod
To some ineffable finality.
Who can say?

For the next hour found me sat
A rock in an ocean of people
Drawing glances and glares
From the sympathetic and busy,
My eyes fixed onwards
Seeing nothing, and my body
Exhausted, frozen, dead.

There they found me, my guardians, my stewards
My poor beloved
I could not even thank them when they did.
Tears streaming down the face of one,
And fear streaming down the other
They took me, and held my broken person
And whisked me to safety.
I could not thank them.
I could not tell them what happened
Nor why
I loved them, and every atom of me
Ached to tell them so
And yet
It would not come.

Still I sat, gaze unyielding
Body unmoving
As my saviours, now themselves
Safe, erupted.

At 9 pm I take my meds
In one quick shot,
And they kick in too quickly,
And my heartbeat is slowing to a stop.

And so I grip my own hand
In an act of self solidarity,
And my mind begins to dance
To a sinister tritone
Of bleeding eyes, and dead eyes, and rot.

With one quick slash I cure my hand.
With agonising strokes I fix my leg.
And I lay back with pride
As red tears stream
From red faces, bright smiles
Laughing
Wide on my skin.

There you are, my love, my bane —
My everything —
You whisper sweetly in my ear,
Brush your lips to my cheek,
Dripping venom,

And into my side
You stab your claws —
Black, clean and pretty
And now silver, rusting red.

And you lead me to the window
So I follow the night breeze to a ledge
To a gate
To nothing more than a change of state.

The stars are whispering sweetly
In my ear,
In attentive scrutiny they stand.
Unchanged shall they watch
As below them I shall live
or I shall not.

Collapsed on a reasonably uncomfortable couch
I’m ok. I’m just tired. I had a long night.
My arms are going numb, slowly, my hands are beginning to tremble as I draw out my vice
I’m a spectator. I had a long night
My eyes will not focus, my face has gone pale and the space in front of me has begun to blur
I woke up at 7 today. I had a long night

I’m being called, there are voices rushing around me but never penetrating the whirlpool
It’s been two years. This should be over
I thought it was over

And now the spiral has begun.

I’m drowning, there are invitations to lunch that pass me by, an irregular tic toc beating me further into stupor
‘You ok’
I cannot answer. I don’t know how, and if I did my lips have betrayed me and as I try to quell any worry all I can muster is an incomprehensible mumble
Tears now. In public. I don’t have the presence of mind to feel ashamed. I’m disappointed, though, with my inability to hold myself. This ought to be over, I ought to be ok.

I need some space. I need to leave before I’m asked again. My limbs begrudgingly obey me and I just barely manage myself out the door. I’m invisible, I would hope
No more invisible than I’ve ever been

It’ll be over in an hour.
Then will come the explanations. The mere thought plunged me in again. I can’t explain this. I don’t know how.

And an hour later I find myself alone in a courtyard, in their rain, a trembling cigarette and red eyes, still staring
It’s over now

everywhere is the smell of you.
its not unpleasant. the *****
offends the nose, i will admit,
but you can hardly be blamed,
and everything else is fine,
and you are doing ok.
i love you, i love you, we said that
a lot. and that’s ok! for we are
friends. and friends love one another.
if i’m honest my memory is hazy.
i know i tried to  help you —
held back your hair,
kept you upright,
walked you back to the safety of home,
and held on to you.
it was silly of course,
i knew you would be fine,
but god knows a very
loud part of me could not
bear to see you like that.
in any case, you’re ok now, and that
is All That Matters.

there’s nothing to analyse here.
i know there’s nothing at all to see,
to notice, but i haven’t stopped trying.
because i know i love you —
i knew it so clearly then, and
i know it just as clearly now.
i can’t help but wonder if that’s it.
do i love my friend, my best friend,
the best friend i could ask for
or is there something else at play
here, something i’ve locked away,
something more intense.
i don’t want to believe it.
so i focus on the i love you
because i know it’s true.
i feel it so clearly and so strongly,
more colourful than anything else i’ve felt
in years. i love you, and i know you love me too
but nonetheless i will lie
awake and ashamed
of the vast realm of possibilities
for hidden meanings to those words
i drunkenly slurred to you that night.
i will have to keep looking
under the surface of that i love you.

Little little scars
And bigger bigger
Blood on hand
Skin on skin
Face to face swimming
In blue pool eyes
Darker now

You called me
And I heard an abyss
How far for a tear drop
13 14 steps and a sheer drop
And you hit the bottom hard

Whisper in me
The hidden collapse of
Elephants
Eat you alive
You're a bleeding skeleton
Locked lying
Let me call the doctor
Let me go let me call the police
Let you go

You let go.

I met you last December
Under fire from snow
The same you suffered
Steps 3 2 1 steps
Ago
I met a mask
A persona
My barrier.

My blood beneath.

Smouldering
Stub at my fingertips,
You are the red sun among the white.
I fill the room with perfume and incense —
Still you challenge me
And pin me to the polished floor.
You cannot reach me underwater —
There only your scent lingers,
Rising with the steam
And lurking above me.

What strength would it take
To fling you to the ground
And crush you in one swift twist?

What coughing fit to ensue
When you, afraid
Proceed to maim my lungs?

It's you or me, pale finger —
One of us to be extinguished before our time.
One of us to read the signs,
And one of us to ignore them.
I lit you on a flickering candle,
Spilled ash and wax
Of a long, drawn-out ******.

Oh you
My little heartache, should only be two
Meters away from me.
I would have to cross your oceans
And battle under and over nature
And sit right by you
Still
You're only two meters away from me.

Oh God bless you, little heartache, I’m a wreck without you!
I’m alone now, holy chest pain, but a shade.
Can’t you see my lungs collapsing in?
Can’t you see my pebble eyes go dark?

To you,
My little heartache, oh what right have you
To look so beautiful sitting there,
Oh what right have you?
Alive in unassuming grace.
You’re only human yet
you’re more in every single way.

Oh God bless you, little heartache, I’m a wreck without you!
I’m alone now, holy chest pain, I'm ashamed.
Can’t you see my lungs collapsing in?
Can’t you see my pebble eyes go dark?

God by you, little heartache:
I'll fall back to the ground.
Nary a gravestone to mark my words
Never a funeral to forget my flaws.

Oh you were good to me
My only heartbreak
Now go be good to someone else.