Losing you feels like my body ripping at the seams
(Losing you feels like birthing a new purpose)
Losing you feels like the cry of an abandoned babe
(Losing you feels like a new search is beginning)
Losing you feels like foundation crumbling in my fingers
(Losing you feels like rebuilding myself)
Losing you feels like all the pain of a lifetime bottled into a single jar
(Losing you feels like love is present everywhere now)
Losing you feels like a rage from the core of my being
(Losing you feels like making every action purposeful)
Losing you feels like breaking everything I once deemed as sacred
(Losing you feels like now I understand what it means to hold something as sacred)
Losing you feels like the sky will always be black
Like it will always be raining
(Losing you feels like a new duty has been cast upon me from the heavens
Like the feeling of rain on my skin)
Losing you feels like the burning
Like the old scars no longer matter to me at all
(Losing you feels like the fire is now warmer
Like there are new wounds scaring over)
Losing you feels like gasping under crashing waves
Like drowning
(Losing you feels like every breathe is important
Like the first gasp of air)
Losing you feels like a forever famine
(Losing you is like planting a single seed to feed a million)
Losing you feels like a life long battle
(Losing you feels like an initiation to become a warrior)
Losing you feels like the universe is void
(Losing you feels like you’re filling all the holes inside of me)
Losing you feels like a death of my own
Like I will never be the same
(Losing you feels like an opening
Like life has taken on new meaning)
Losing you (is gaining an angel)

It just feels like yesterday


It just feels like yesterday , I learnt how to brush
It just feels like yesterday,  I had my first crush
It just feels like yesterday, I  came home late from the playground
It just feels like yesterday, I discovered the earth is round
All these tiny moments I wish they would last
Suddenly I realise I'm growing up too fast.

It just feels like yesterday, my mother waited for me at the bus stop
It just feels like yesterday , I tasted my little sister's teardrop
It just feels like yesterday, I watched the sky change colours
It just feels like yesterday, I realised about the world and us there is so much to discover
All these tiny moments I wish they would last
Suddenly I realise I'm growing up too fast.

It just feels like yesterday , high school began
It just feels like yesterday, I wanted my life to have a plan
It just feels like yesterday,I got my first mobile phone
It just feels like yesterday, I wondered what it's like to be on my own
All these tiny moments I wish they would last
Suddenly I realise I'm growing up too fast.

It just feels like yesterday, I dreamed of being a fresher
It just feels like yesterday, I succumbed to peer pressure
It just feels like yesterday, I couldn't get enough of Barney, Swat cats , justice league and Hey Arnold
It just feels like yesterday , India finally got its McDonald's
All these tiny moments I wish they would last
Suddenly I realise I'm growing up too fast.

It just feels like yesterday, I turned an undergraduate
It just feels like yesterday, studying architecture was fate
It just feels like yesterday, I was surrounded by my family and friends
It just feels like yesterday, I realised its never too late to make amends
All these tiny moments I wish they would last
Suddenly I realise I'm growing up too fast.

Everything feels contrived…  There are too many coincidences taking place.
Everything feels contrived.  It gets boring very quickly, and feels like an imitator.
Everything feels contrived, as if he was following a recipe for success.
Everything feels contrived and designed to sell.
    The bigger issue, however, is that everything feels contrived, maudlin and superficial.
Everything feels contrived and extremely forced in order to get people to play the game.
Everything feels contrived and obvious.
    It’s difficult generating your own inspiration if you’re not used to doing it.  I think kids have it the easiest.  They can pick up and start a game of make-believe with the most complicated rules and ideas on the spot.  Me?  I have to work at it.  Nothing feels natural anymore.  Everything feels contrived and I end up walking away feeling old, tired and jaded.
Everything feels contrived and the laughs are forced.
Everything feels contrived, hollow even.  Is this what happens when you look at emotions from outside the experience?
Everything feels contrived and artificial.
Everything feels contrived and second-guessed, and in the end, you end up with a relationship with your philosophy of what pleases the other person, not with the person themselves. Whereas if you simply speak your mind, you’ll get to know each other for who you are, not who you picture each other to be.
Everything feels contrived.  It is only mildly fun.
Everything feels contrived and artificial.  If you aren’t in a relationship, a pink and white army emerges to tell you that you **** at every turn.
Everything feels contrived and there is no incentive to finish the story, as you already know what happens.  
    It's increasingly difficult to care about what happens, given everything feels contrived.
Everything feels contrived and staged.
Everything feels contrived working towards the inevitable.

For all those men who think they can understand how it feels to be a girl,
You can’t.

You can’t understand how it feels to open your eyes in the world
With everyone looking down on you and your mother
Because they were expecting a boy and not a girl.
You can’t understand how it feels to be raised up differently than boys
Because boys will be boys
And girls, girls will always have to compromise and sacrifice
For every man to enter their lives.
You can’t understand how it feels to see boys running around, chasing their dreams
While girls are stuck with barbie dolls and fairness creams
And how they are trained to sit and stand and talk and eat
And oh, my God, girls keep your voices down
The society should not even hear you breathe.
You can’t understand how it feels when a girl is growing up
While she is considered as a toy by men around her
For all the ****** frustration
Did I say something wrong? I meant “for all the love and affection”
When he comes up and says
Oh, little one, don’t be scared, I am your uncle
And we are going to play a little game
It’s called you keeping your mouth shut and not calling it a ****.
You can’t understand how it feels to have a pair of eyes on you all the time
Whether you’re in your home or out in the streets.
There are men all around, staring you, tracing your body
As if it is their responsibility to check out every girl entirely
From head to toe, whether she’s in a burqa or a pair of jeans.
You can’t understand how it feels to carry the weight of all the honor
On tiny shoulders, which are supposed to be carrying school bags
Honor of your family, your community, the society
Even protecting the honor of men with fragile masculinity
Wrapping it all in duppatas longer than their *****
While hiding your own identity behind the tags that you’re given.
You don’t know how it feels to live a life designed by men
Making every single move based on someone’s decisions
Like a lion in a circus performing tricks to please an audience.
You can’t understand how it feels to listen to all the filthy jokes they crack
About girls getting better grades or washing dishes or driving in the fast lane
No matter what a girl does, no matter how much she gets successful
At the end of the day, it is all a joke on the dinner table.
“Go bring another gol roti, beghum”
You can’t understand how it feels to carry another life inside your body for nine months
Enduring all the pain and cramps and still doing all the work
While all you hear is how it is a woman’s job to give birth
And oh, to make sure that it is a baby boy
As if a woman has the choice to choose the gender.
You can’t understand how it feels when after all the struggle they tell you it’s a baby girl
Your heart fills up with joy and sinks down in your stomach
When you think about the fate that awaits her.
And you hold her close to your chest, trying your best to protect her
From all the people looking down on you and your daughter
For being a girl.


So, you can’t. You can’t understand how it feels to be a girl.
Because if you did, you would have wished
For it all to be just words.

It feels like a bird
which migrated to a new world
leaving everything behind
so that things do not get rewind.

It feels like a shadow
a shadow which disappeared in the noon,
It feels like a caterpillar
leaving its cocoon.

It feels like a wood
getting separated from the tree,
It feels like a baker's pain
after fire in his bakery.

It feels like a bee
when it stings on someone, it dies,
It feels like it won't be able to see
the world anymore, & there were hues and cries.

It feels like the leaf
the leaf which blew with the wind
leaving the bunch of all its friends
not with the pleasure of relief
it feels like that leaf.

It feels like ink
the ink of my pen
that got away from the refill
to create wonders through men.

It feels like the words by a pencil
which got erased by an eraser,
It feels like a wedding that got cancelled
or a sad movie teaser.

It feels like the mosquito
who was killed by human
who was taught to **** the blood and run
but this happened because he ran slow
after all, u think that, he is just a mosquito.

It feels like the milk tooth
getting away from its root
that will never get there again
he will have to bear the pain.

How?
It feels to know God.
             (to know God).
How?
It feels to know God.
              (to know God).

It feels grand.
It feels good.
It feels splendid.
Like I knew it would.

How?
It feels to know God.
              ( How it feels)
How?
It feels to know God.
              (How it feels)

To get lost in his words.
To simply soak in his message.
And learn so much about Jesus.

Oh, how it feels to know God?

It feels grand.
It feels good.
It feels so wonderful.

It feels grand.
It feels great.
To know we can be forgiven for our mistakes.

Copyrighted words by Jeffrey T. Conyers

Something feels wrong about walking on pavement
When I could be skipping through fields of grass
Something's wrong with economic enslavement
When we could be carelessly letting time pass

Something's wrong with perpetual warfare
When all we desire is love and peace
Something feels empty about likes and shares
And something feels wrong about racist police

Something feels off when politicians speak
With their lies, misinformation, and deceit
Something feels wrong because we've passed our peak
We're on the decline and it tastes so sweet.

Something feels wrong with the passing breeze
As if the air knows what's coming next
Something looks wrong with decaying trees
They too understand that we are hexed.

Something feels wrong in my dark twisted mind
Something feels wrong with this dark twisted Earth
Something feels wrong about being kind
Something feels wrong about having no worth.

Something feels wrong about dragging
along
And it'll all feel wrong until the day I'm gone

do you know what it feels like
to be sweet talked then back stabbed?

do you know what it feels like
for everyone to know what you've done?

do you know what it feels like
when he leaves after you let him see another layer of you?

do you know what it feels like
to be used when you thought he care about you?

do you know what it feels like
for him to never speak to you again after you finally let him in?

do you know what it feels like
when your first boyfriend does these things?

do you know what it feels like
when you call me those names even when your'e kidding?

do you know what it feels like
when you can't trust anyone after what has happened to you?

do you know what it feels like
to live with all the regret because he made you do those things?

do you know what it feels like
to want to know why no one can love you?

do you know what it feels like**
because I do.

you'll be the last thing i abandon,
and i can't stand the thought of it.

(chord)

(chord)

when sun rays charge the sky with color,
not with hate and sin,

i thought that i had better let you know i love you

while i still have the chance to say i love you.

(chord) (enter drums + band)

i mean it *****-- it does, it does!
i wish that i had traveled light
but one day you'll remind me how
we always travel light

never said that i was perfect,
we don't always win the fight
i mean it *****. (it does! it does!)
it ***** to say goodbye.

to say goodbye.

(instrumental)

you'll be the last thing i let go of
and it breaks me to be broken
didn't realize this was math class
would've paid more ... attention

i expressed the need for loss
when i experienced detention

i didn't want to let you go
i should have paid you more attention.

(drop)

it feels like choking on love to love
it feels like choking on love to be loved
it feels like being in love to love
this feels like being in love!

it feels like choking on life to live
it feels like wasting the thing that you give
all my confessions are endless
it feels like being in love...

x2

you'll be the first thing i remember
when i wake up in the morning
but i'll suffer something awful
when i wake up (pause)
and you're mourning (pause)

we could live out the impossible,
but words contain a warning:
there's a snake inside your garden,
my medulla reassures me.


it feels like choking on love to love
it feels like choking on love to be loved
it feels like being in love to love
this feels like being in love!

it feels like choking on life to live
it feels like wasting the thing that you give
all my confessions are endless
it feels like being in love...

(retardando, repeat)

THIS FEELS LIKE BEING IN...

LOVE (emphatic, rapid strumming to end)

(one last strum)

sometimes, it feels like the bath filling up with water,
you lie there and try to relax as it
slowly inches up your thighs and past your slumped shoulders.
or like watching the clock move, watching the day turn on and off-
incoherent, stunned, you try to drown your incapability in apathy
like being strapped to a bed
like being force fed, out of your control in a way that forces you to feel it.

sometimes, it feels like breaking your bones,
a sharp snap you can hear for years when you fall asleep
shooting pain up your spine and straight to your fight-or-flight response
it feels like choking,
it is not slipping in and out, it is violent crashing waves
the tide came in while your eyes were closed
and you're being thrown headfirst against the rocks

sometimes, it feels like keeping a secret,
like holding your tongue, like shy muffled smiles
and pulling misguided threads on your years-old sweaters.
it tastes just like guilt but also a little bit like copper,
almost familiar but with a difference that keeps you up drenched in sweat
it feels like "you did this to yourself" and all you can hear is "it is your fault"

it feels like nothing, sometimes, too.
it feels like emptiness, it feels like 'scared-to-be-touched'
it feels like absolutely hollow,
like knee-**** reactions when people put their hands on you
like your fight-or-flight lever is broken and you're trapped inside of a burning building with flight on your mind against painted-shut windows
it feels a whole lot
like they took the exact definition away from you that day
like you have a bunch of "almost"s
like a puzzle that has been worn through generations, sticky fingers and gluing together corner and middle pieces

it feels like something is missing,
it feels like you do a manual reset of every feeling to try and sew yourself back together,
it feels like someone bent your needle and frayed your thread and you are trying but they took all of your chances away from you

a little bit vague, inexplicable, 'you-had-to-be-there', like everything, like nothing,

like helpless, if you had to give it a title.

it feels weird
knowing i am not with you
knowing that we won’t be together for the rest of our lives like we once planned
nursing homes and having our rooms next to each other is scratched out
how from this point on we depart in a way
you are too busy for me to make plans with
too busy to call me
too busy to text me
and my mind is too busy sometimes too
spiraling thoughts spiral more
and i remember how we won’t be together
that feels weird
losing you in a way
except the only one getting lost is me
because you are perfect
and you can’t get lost
it still feels weird
knowing i won’t be the one you ask for the homework anymore
it feels weird that i don’t want it to be me
it feels weird that i have been wanting to escape these friendships for a while now
i am trying to take my opportunity
but at the same time i don’t want to be rude
i know what this situation feels like
my skin is dry now
from our most recent dry conversation
i could not even force myself to laugh
nothing was funny enough
i am sorry that i dragged you down for so long
that i dulled your shine
that i wasn’t able to provide the same support that everyone else was able to
it feels weird
knowing that we are related now
knowing that our friendship is complicated but still simple
a little too simple
simply complicated
it feels weird now
knowing that i won’t be there for you when it is your big first moments
promposal
first boyfriend
or even homecoming
it feels weird
that i don’t want to mix you up with the new life that i am going to have
that despite me having so much to talk to you about
i didn’t want to tell you anything
my mind no longer felt obligated to force my mouth to spill every little secret and detail
that it was more comforting to say that it was too much and i did not want to talk about it
it felt like torture
but not your presence through a screen
my own presence and my own breathing
it felt weird
i didn’t have the urge to want to have a sleepover with you anymore
suddenly eating breakfast and brushing my teeth next to you wasn’t as appealing
i would have rather stayed alone then done that
you were too nice
you couldn’t understand my feelings that is for sure
have fun at your concert though
i hope you find a cute boyfriend that treats you really well
i hope you forget me i truly do
i’m sorry i dragged you down so much
sorry i was the negative in a magnet and a pregnancy test
sorry i couldn’t be someone like you
i hope you forget me
and it feels weird
knowing that i hope i forget you too

"What does it feel like to be borderline?"

I have never been able to explain BPD in a way that satisfies me. What I experience becomes trivialized by attempting to put words to it. Words are so direct and they are so obvious, and they aren’t even close to capable of capturing the complexity and the mystery that is BPD. But I can try.

It feels like black and white and nothing in between.
Every thing, every person, every place – they are either good or they are bad. I am either good or I am bad. Constantly changing, never the same. Good girl, bad girl. Good self, bad self. Good friend, bad friend. Good mother, bad mother. I hate you, don’t leave me.

It feels overwhelming.
I don’t feel sadness, but anguish. I don’t feel upset, but hysterical. I don’t feel joy, but ecstasy. I don’t feel anger, but fury. Not love, but infatuation… obsession. It’s exhausting to feel so much. Relationships are endless cycles of love and hate and pain and bad habits that I can’t seem to break no matter how hard I try. Every new face that enters into my life is someone who is capable of abandonment, and it has become so much easier to shut the world out than to invite heartbreak into my home with open arms.

It feels empty.
At the core of my being, I am nothing. I’m an empty shell surrounded by the chaos that is my emotional havoc. Remove my emotions, and I am flat lined. Remove them and I no longer exist. No direction, no sense of self, no core identity. At the peak of an emotional breakdown, I am everything. I am every negative emotion in existence and then some. And I’m so alive with fury, with desolation, with misery, and with so much pain. When it becomes too much for my body and mind to handle, it disappears in such an eerie way that I’m left questioning whether or not what I just experienced was real. I switch back and forth from being too alive that it physically pains me, to being consumed by nothingness. Nothingness is sitting alone on my kitchen floor in the middle of the night wondering whether the chill I feel on my shoulder actually exists or not. Nothingness is staring off into space for an hour wondering when my body will allow me to exist again so that I can move.

It feels confusing.
Like not knowing the answer to a series of questions. Who am I? One question I feel that I should know the answer to, yet… nothing. My favorite color is yellow, because that’s what it was when I was a child. Decisions are impossible – how do you decide anything without a stable sense of identity? I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you what I wanted for dinner tonight, but that’s because I was trying to decide if I’m the type of person who likes Mexican or if I’m the type of person who likes Italian. I wake up each morning with a new definition of who I am, only to be let down by myself each night for not living up to the me that I decided to be that day.

It feels needy.
Endlessly, and hopelessly needy. I need to be appreciated. I need to be validated. I need to be wanted. I need to be loved. But I need these things in a way that is so much more than anyone is capable of giving me. It feels like such a small favor to ask – to be loved by those who are supposed to love me. But no one seems able to meet my expectations. It leaves me pathetically wondering whether or not anyone is capable of caring about me in a way that makes sense to me. And although I already know the answer, I still need to be loved so desperately that I search for it with everything that I have. It’s endless messages and too many phone calls. And it’s the knowledge that my actions are only perpetuating the likelihood of abandonment, but I need love so ******* badly that I have no choice but to continue.

It feels irrational.
Being capable of thinking rationally only makes the irrational behavior so much more miserable. The knowledge that behaving in reaction to emotion is irrational does not make me any less likely to do so. I’m constantly walking towards a cliff, muttering to myself, “Don’t do it, you’ll regret it.” Only to fall off the edge anyway. And every time I fall feels unimaginably more painful than the time before, but I don’t know how to stop.

It feels bright.
When I love, it is the single brightest thing I’ve ever felt in my entire life. It’s so bright that it burns my eyes in a way that makes me see a life that I could have never imagined on my own. Without my darkness, I am on top of the world. Ecstasy is just as intense an emotion as misery, except that for me, it’s coated with anxiety and fear. I never quite know what to do with happiness, and before I have the chance to really enjoy it, it’s gone.

And it feels like being lost.
Lost in loneliness, lost in the vacillation of my emotions, lost in the insanity of knowing absolutely nothing about myself. My emotions are a language that I cannot speak, and they are winning the war that I am struggling to fight.

(Aye.., I wanna be free3)..I (wanna be free2)..I wanna be free,..(aye..I wanna be freed 2)..(Aye ..I wanna live free2)..(I wanna be freed, 3) from all of this pain mane..(Aye I wanna be free2)..mane this world is insane,..(Aye I wanna live free3)..from all of the grieve mane..(Aye I wanna be freed3), emancipated,... Aye,Man

How does it feels to be free,.Aye,  I wanna know  How does it feels to live free, Aye I wanna be free..Aye, How does it feels to be free,.Aye,..I wanna know How does it feels to live free, Could somebody answer me please.., Instead of passing by me mane,..Aye,They just keep on ignoring me, & Its so annoying to me,..because they are the ones that need my help the most,They need me more than I need  them mane,..Aye..How does it feels to be free,.Aye,.I wanna know How does it feels to live free, can yall please stop walking over me mane,..I wanna know How does it feels to be free,.Aye,,
Can somebody please tell me How does it feels to live free,. Because I really wanna know mane..How does it feels to be free,.Aye,How does it feels to live free mane I guess I can only get the best answer from my king Jah ,..Aye
How does it feels to be free,.Aye,How does it feels to live free,Yo that's a good question that would  probably never be answered because we all are under mind control by the CIA ,..MK ULTRA, Aye

If I can't be freed then Imma  start alot of chaos mane..
If I can't be freed then Imma start madness right away..If I can't be freed then Imma just lead the way for the next generation..Aye,..If I can't be freed then Imma just emancipate myself mane,..It's time to Prison Break,..Aye I wanna be free..(from all the hate2)..(I wanna live free,2)..(from all  this pain2)..I wanna be free Prison Break..(I wanna be free..I wanna be freed2)..no matter how many lustful thoughts enter my mind mane, no I won't let these  demons confuse me, No way..

Imma stay having hope..Imma stay having faith..Imma stay praying above mane for changes to come into effect in this evil sick crazy world mane,..I can't let the thoughts of not having what I want curropt me, I won't let all of my depression upset me,..I'm sailing all of my pain away,..I'm sailing all of my anger out too mane,..I'm breaking free from every single generational cursed that Satan has place on my me &  family,..I'm being me, myself , & I &  I'm breaking free, Aye...

I know that the government has  been chasing me, but noo I ain't afraid of a good challenge mane..The Illuminati can't have my soul Noo way, These jeaslous people can't have my body..Noo,Noo, mane.. I'm playing a solo game, aye, & I'm steady finding my way, Aye..I'm in the dark homie, but I'm using my spirit to see, Yeah my spirit shines so bright in me,..I think that's just the Holy spirit mane, I  always gotta give my praises up to  the Heavenly,.. &  stump down on Satan mane,

I'm on a  mission, I'm emissioning all of this realness, To remission all of the darkness, Aye, no Batman No part time, Noo I won't clock out..I'm saving all of my brothers & sisters that's soul less, Yeah They can & will get their souls back because Imma fight & Imma make sure of that,..Aye,..can somebody please let me know something.., before I start shooting,. Aye..
Young Ston Poet, I wanna be freed mane..

When that specific person calls your name
and you hope it’s not actually you
That’s what wanting to forget feels like.

When they hand you pictures
taken in a different dimension
That’s what wanting to forget feels like.

When they randomly message you
over some stupid **** you said
That’s what wanting to forget feels like.

When you burn every note
that they ever wrote you
That’s what wanting to forget feels like.

When you tear down every picture
you two ever took together
That’s what wanting to forget feels like.

When you delete all of the posts
on snapchat, instagram, facebook
That’s what wanting to forget feels like.

When you unfollow them
on snapchat, instagram, facebook
That’s what wanting to forget feels like.

When you hate yourself
for still drinking and eating their favorite things
That’s what wanting to forget feels like.

When even though you’ve gone through all this trouble
they still somehow find themselves into your head,
then your conversations,
then your poetry,
That’s what wanting to
(but not being able to)
forget feels like.

Sometimes, to love feels like surrendering to a war that never occurred.
Sometimes, to love feels like fighting for an illusionary victory.
Sometimes, to love feels like being trapped in somebody else’s life.
Sometimes, to love feels like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle while missing most pieces.
Sometimes, to love feels like being addicted to a drug.
Sometimes, to love feels like being in the middle of a sword fight without a shield, a sword, nor an armor.
Sometimes, to love feels like walking on a tightrope without a safety net.
Sometimes, to love feels like running to stand still.
Sometimes, to love feels like abandoning oneself.
Sometimes, to love feels like carrying a burden.
Sometimes, to love feels like smashing the little toe against the strongest and sharpest corner.
Sometimes, to love feels like being haunted.
Sometimes, to love feels too much like hating.

But to love is also to share passionate moments.
To love is to add spices to an otherwise bland dish.
To love is to repeatedly stimulate bursts of dopamine.
To love is to escape loneliness.
To love is to find joy in despair.
To love is to be optimistic.
To love is to live a dream out of a nightmare.
To love is to become a more complete person.
To love is to go on a wonderful trip without a definitive destination.
To love is to become wiser.
To love is the best placebo.
To love is to open.
To love is to be loved.
To love is to live.

It feels good to feel this way again
It feels good to regret the things I say
It feels good to get ignored
It feels good to be assured
You're not relevant enough
So if i don't reply don't fuss
It feels good to find someone
Who even for a second
Seemed just right
Now the seconds over and its goodbye
It feels good to want to cry
It feels good to not know why

It feels good to feel this way again
And no I'll never be the same again
It feels good to laugh
Even if its at one self
It feels good to try
But worse when shot down

It felt good to feel this way again
And no I'll never be the same again
I'll never trust like i used to again
I'll never love like i used to again

I blame the boys who are allowed to play with our hearts
Dropping it on the floor breaking it into parts
I blame our hearts for being porcelain
And our fathers for not stayin'

But it felt good to feel that low again
Now i know i'll never feel again

my sadness feels like
i'm swallowing sea water -
every gulp down my throat is a step closer to
dehydration
sinking to the bottom
no flotation
lacking foundation
my sadness feels like
vomiting frustrations
stagnation -
my sadness feels like stagnation.
sensations of vibrations
surround me but do not reach
my hands
or any part of me for that matter.
I see it -
i know its there
the energy is flowing in the air
a devious glare - i swear
i stare
and stay aware that this
illness
does more than impair - it's unfair , really.
My sadness feels like everything around me is dead -
i know its really in my head but
i look at the evening sky and see not
yellows and reds but
grays instead -
i used to imbed the colors into my
brain but lately its been filled with
tar - seeping into unhealed scars
its making a home here -
till i disappear
its not just me it's "we're" that's here -
its overstayed its welcome.
My sadness feels like a man putting his feet on my
coffee table.
My sadness feels like an empty chest -
one that rots with dust and
human rust it
echoes and howls when opened -
like its terrified of its urge to leave.
My sadness feels like a parasite that *****
until it falls but
it doesn't fall -
only crawls
through the hollow parts of me
and creates substance.
My sadness feels like accepting to drown.

You wanna know what it's like to love?
When you feel so lost in time and every second that's passing feels so unreal?
You wanna know what it's like to feel like choking on tears at 3 in the morning?
When time refuses to pass and every second feels like a ticking atomic bomb?
You wanna know what it feels like to be ripped off your sanity?
You wanna know what it feels like to have *** for the first time?
You wanna know what it feels like to try so hard and fail?
You wanna know what it feels like to fall out of love and experience the kind of sadness you never thought you'd feel?
You wanna know what it feels like to be kissed in every spot that drives you insane?
You wanna know what it feels like to have someone talk about you behind your back?
You wanna know what it feels like to smile like nothing has happened?
You wanna know what it feels like to get wasted on your birthday?
You wanna know what it feels like to have cigarette smoke filling your airways?


Then you **** right feel it.
Then you **** right experience it.
Then you **** right give yourself a chance.

By the time you're 20,
No one gives a **** if you're a ******,
No one gives a **** if you were the top student in '09
No one gives a **** if you were so drunk you couldn't remember your own name
No one gives a **** if you were so choked by cigarette smoke you thought you were suffocating to death
No one gives a **** if you almost rammed into a tree on your 16th birthday
And sure as hell,
No one gives a **** because let me tell you this.


It is your **** life,
*So you **** right do whatever the hell you want to do.

My fists repeatedly striking her face,
oh, how right it feels.
The way her nose crunches when it breaks,
oh, how right it feels.
The chunks of her skin under my nails,
oh how right it feels.
These handfulls of hair that I clutch,
oh, how right it feels.
Her screams of pain and suffering,
oh, how right it feels.
How her face turns purple as my grip tightens,
oh, how right it feels.
How her heartbeat starts to slow down,
oh, how right it feels.
When her eyes roll back,
oh how right it feels.
When her chest falls for the last time,

HOW ******* RIGHT THIS FEELS!!

He feels like sharing memes and finishing burritos; like snuggling on a bench when I'm shivering and letting me wear his jacket the wrong way. He feels like long phone calls and sarcastic remarks; like feeding ducks, and helping kids, and going kart racing, and being terrible at Mario kart. He feels like silly puns and bad humor, all the while still putting butterflies in my stomach. He feels like the heat in my cheeks when my classmates ask me about where my bracelets came from, and the pride in my heart when they say that he's cute. He feels like kissing in a park, holding hands next to fireworks,  and giggling at the movies. He feels like sunshine and Rex Orange County. He feels like home, like someone who will always be able to make me smile, like someone who will endure a hug even if its awkward.

But he also feels like crying at 10pm in my room on Thanksgiving and clutching my chest because I can hardly breathe.  He is in every sad song I've ever heard, and every depressingly artful photo I see. He is the bittersweet memory of a lost young love, and the fractured, splintery aftermath of trying to recover. He is sitting in a park alone for an hour, crying because you dont know if he's even going to come.  He is the anxiety of being ignored for three weeks, then showing up to a party I'm at. He is the tear stained pillowcase from every time he has asked, "are you a waste of my time?" -- each one a separate fist to the stomach. He is the fear of never knowing what is going on in his mind and the constant worry of not being enough. He is the sadness and frustration of every Sunday morning with an empty chair. He is the moments I lie on the cold wood of my bedroom floor in the greying sunlight, salt mixing with my hair, and feeling empty. He is like the ache between my ribs everytime I'm left on read.

But he still feels like home, and he still feels like the only love I've ever known. And it's all about how it feels, right?  And it's okay as long as he doesn't hurt those feelings...

Right?

Now I know what it feels like to be left behind
Now I'm the one clinging to a moment lost in time
Now I'm the one mourning what´s no longer mine
Now I know what if feels like

Now I know what it feels like to be left in the dark
Now I'm the one trying to put together my betrayed heart
Now I'm the one waiting for my life to start
Now I know what it feels like

Now I know what it feels like to be despised
Now I'm the one struggling to redeem my pride
Now I'm the one declared a fool to think you were on my side
Now I know what it feels like

Now I know what it feels like to be left behind
Now I'm the one who didn´t see their hatred when I was kind
Now I'm the one who lost their dreams and changed my mind
Because now I know what it feels like

It feels like I only notice love while I'm dying
Every breath I take feels like it's way too much
Since you're counting down from three
I trust that you'll stay with me

It feels like I only notice love while I'm dying

It feels like I only notice love while I'm dying
I'd cut myself if I knew how to bleed
Just because I'm on morphine
doesn't mean my heart is as numb as me

It feels like I only notice love while I'm dying

It feels like I only notice love while I'm dying
Every step I take feels like it's way too far
If you want to hold my hand
as I go then I'll understand

It feels like I only notice love while I'm dying

It feels like I only notice love while I'm dying  
It feels like I only notice love while I'm dying

What Relapse feels like
Relapse- a proper noun that steals your attention and commands your obedience

Every person that was a part of your recovery had been lying
The recollection that it did not **** you but it did not make you stronger
Reliving the moment it stopped your living and when it prevented your dying
The feeling that you will not survive much longer
That is how relapse feels

The first taste of fruit after a long and barren winter
A moment of peace in a life measured in seconds
The perfectly straight lines of a newly aligned printer
A demand for piled servings and SECONDS!
That is how relapse feels

The need of a familiar place; of a familiar face
Desire for someone to hold you tight
The need to go far away; to go to outer space
Desire to leave this world for the light
That is how relapse feels

It's a ripping motion
Between wanting it to end and wanting its intensification
Between having to much and too little emotion
And the worlds between the brain speak languages with no translation
That is how relapse feels

It feels so good just to be so bad
The beauty in the human body's ability to mend and to break
It feels so bad just to be so sad
And the repulsive face of being awake
That is how relapse feels

It's a tearing
It's a tugging
It's a pulling
It's a shoving

Relapse is looking at the sky and thanking God for the ability to be alive
ten minutes before a battle in the head
asking if it's worth it to survive
ten minutes before tears stain so silently alone in bed

It's a promise broken
It's every moment spent clean wasted
It's the truth unspoken
It's the loss of happiness that had barely been tasted

That.
That is how relapse feels.

It feels good to laugh
It feels good to cry
It feels good to smile
It feels good frown
It feels good to Care
It feels good not to care
It feels good to love
It feels good to be carefree
It feels good to be okay
It feels good to be happy
I feels good to be content
It feels good to be me

Do you know what it feels like when you cry alone
remembering the worst and you suffer on your own
Do you know what it feels like when you love and no one cares
stupid words comes out and never forget what he says
Do you know what it feels like when  you are the best friend for everyone
but you can't find just one friend beside you in a need
Do you know what it feels like when  you remember them all
and your soul is always forgotten
Do you know what it feels like when  you forgive every mistaken
but you are the one to blame for a misunderstand
Do you know what it feels like when  you give the best
and you always get the worst
Do you know what it feels like when  you wish to die for something is not even worth it
Do you know what it feels like when  you are born just  for they make fun of you
and can't back it and Accept everything Against my will
No , No , no one knows those feelings .........
Life is so beautiful
but people are so awful

So ... What Is It like ... ?
When You Choose To write ... ?

How Does It Feel ... ???
When You Can't Control What Is REVEALED ...
When Producing Scrolls Born From Your Soul ... !?!

The Soul of ... " Your BEING " ... !!!

If It's Fiction You Write ...
Does It Feel Like ... Dreaming ... ?

Or When ... Writing On Life ...
Give Your Scrolls DEEP MEANING ... ?!?

It Can Feel Like Cleaning ...
When I Write My Rhymes ...

A CLEANSING of My Mind ...
That Feels ... JUST RIGHT ... !!!!!

ESPECIALLY When I Write About PROBLEMS ...
IGNORAMUSES And Their ... IGNORANCE ... !!!!

THERAPEUTIC When I Use It ...
To FLOW My Thoughts Like ... FLUID ..............................................

You See It Gets Me MOVING ...
Just Like A DANCERS' Movements ... !!!

Searching For IMPROVEMENTS ...
In Finding Words of PRUDENCE ...

YES CAUTIOUS In ... " Construction " ...
of How My Writings' ... Function ... !!!

SOME DO HIT Heads Like TRUNCHEON ... !!!
But Let Me TELL Y'all Something ... !!!

I DON'T Write Verse To HURT ... !!!
It Feels More Like My Verse Is From A UNIVERSE ...

Somewhere Like ... " ASGAARD " ... !!!
So YES It ... Can Be CHARGED ...
With Words That DO HIT HARD ... !!!

But PURELY For ... " Protection " .....
It's NATURAL Like ... " Selection " ...
When I Get To ... " DIS - SEC - TING " ...

DARWIN Styled ... Suggestions ... !!!!!!!

It Feels Like I'm Progressing .....
When My Pen Gets To EXPRESSING ..............

Things That Rest ... INSIDE My Mind ...
That PROVE That I Am BLESSED With Lines ...
That NEED NO SNIFFING To Get ... " HIGH " ... !!!

But ARE UPLIFTING ... When I Write ... !!!!!

It Feels SO RIGHT Sometimes ...
That I CANNOT Define What THIS THING Feels Like ... !!!

Sometimes I Feel RAGE When My Pen Meets Page ... !!!
But Then I FIND ... Rage Dissipates .................................................

When I Take Time ...
To EXPOSE The CRIMES of IGNORANT Minds ... !!!

Who KEEP On Trying ...
To STEM The Tide of BIG VIRGE Rhymes ... !!!!

It Just Feels NICE To See Designs ...
My Thoughts And Pen Bring Through Poems ... !!!
That YES Transcend ... PAST Ignorance ....
It's A GIFT Oh YES And THAT's For SURE ... !!!
So I DON'T Infect What Feels ... SO PURE ... !!!!!
With Word Concepts That Work For ****** ... !!!!!!

I Write From MY CORE ...
NOT To Be ... " ADORED " ... !!!!!!!!
Or To PROVE I'm ... ******* ... !?!

It Feels Like My Cause Is To Let Thoughts POUR ...
From Pen To Page WITHOUT Tech That INVADES ...

"The INTIMACY" ... of How It Feels ... !!!
When My Verse Sinks Into Verse Like THIS ... !!!

NO Keyboard Mouse Or TAPPING Sounds ...
Can EVER Feel Quite ... Like Creative Vibes ...

Or Scribbles and Fiddles On Pages of Lines ...
Margins DEFINED It Feels ... " Marginalised " ...
When My Words Are ... " TYPED " ... !!!

As If Somehow ... Writing Them Down ...
Is The ONLY WAY To GRACE The Page ... !!!
And To TRULY FEEL What Your Words REVEAL ...
In Written Compositions That TRUE WRITERS Be Giving ... !!!

Of Course I Use Computers ...
But How It Feels Is ... " NEUTERED " ... !!!!!

As If Something Is MISSING ..................................... !!!
When What's EXPOSED AIN'T Written ...
From End Back To Beginning ... !!!

So In Answering The Question ...
It Feels Just Like A BLESSING ...
When I Get To Expressing ... !!!!!!

I LOVE To Write ... It's A PEACE FILLED Vibe ...
NO VIOLENCE I Like ... My Peace and Quiet ... !!!

In FACT My Pieces Cause A RIOT ...
Because My Words And USE of Verse ...

EVEN When It HURTS ...
Gives LIFE and Serves It's OWN PURPOSE ... !!!!!

One That I Am Trying To Describe ...
But ENOUGH About Me And My Writings' Journeys ... !!!

When It Comes To YOU And The Things You Write ...
In Terms of How It ... FUNCTIONS ...

When It Comes To Your Constructions ...
of Wordplay ... YOU PRODUCE ...

My Question Is THIS ...
In Your Minds' Eye ...

" What is is Like ? " .......