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I thought I had it
For a moment I thought
This is how I want to be loved
This is the kind of love I want

I overlooked so many things.
I ignored so many flags.
I glazed over so many wrongs.

I thought I had it
For a moment, just for a moment,
I was loved.
I was cared for.
I had... someone

But I'm laying in the dark
Questioning my reality
Flipping through my memories
Dissecting my words
Reviewing my actions
Over and over and over

I'm sitting up at 3:16am
Asking myself if I even deserve to be loved
Wondering if I deserve to be cared for
Do I deserve... someone?

Is this love?
No. No, it isn't.
But this is familiar
The doubt, the hurt, the emptiness
The overexplanations, the silence

I dont want to fight
I dont want to argue
I dont want to yell

I want laughs under the stars
I want kindness and softness
I want balance, firm ground

I thought this was supposed to be love
But no,
No, it isn't.
derelictmemory Nov 2022
I hold my breath
Because it creeps in
The loss
The grief
The sorrow

I can barely breathe
I feel the weight on me
The lack of

The days blur
Time moves slowly at first
So slow it could've moved backwards
And I'm still out of breath

I fell to my knees
I heard the words and didn't understand them
I felt the words but couldn't believe them
You were gone too fast

It's like I'm wandering
Through the aftermath of a battlefield
I can hear the screams
They could be mine
derelictmemory Nov 2022
It was all in that span of 90 seconds

The first was a smile -
It wasn't special or expected
  It was just a second
Fleeting but true
Yet it was a lie

The second was a crinkle by your eye -
A small movement
  Usually overlooked
But it meant the world
To more than just you

The third was a touch -
Just a brush
  Enough to enrapture
Almost crackling
Like there was more to it
Jan 13
derelictmemory Nov 2022
day 1 - I was looking for your handprint in the leaves so I could have something to hold on to when I'm drowning in the sea.

day 7 - you kept your hand an inch away but along ē same phase as her breathing in hopes that one day you'd have her whispers in your chest.

day 13 - you huddle in the corner so the walls can hold you the way he used to. It's cold again and your fingertips are blue.

day 27 - they say that all ē walls look the same no matter how many times you blink & that stories are lies but you know better, don't you?

day 32 - his voice never leaves and every step you take is another reminder of him whispering to you that he never loved you.

day 46 - you're tripping over the roots of your fears and, darling, at this rate you'll never be able to outrun yourself or him or them.

day 54 - we sit across from each other without even noticing the oceans that crash into us and the ripped fabric between our eyes.

day 61 - I've caught the dreams of you and of almosts. Of reaching and barely touching fingertips. Of longing and denial. Of stepping stones and emotions that ricochet.

day 79 - they were your eyes & the natural order of things. Of us orbiting in a Higgs-Bosson type of way & we're still waiting for when we inevitably collide.

day 85 - I was staring at my hands wondering how long it was going to take me to get used to the lack of yours holding them

day 98 - hearing voices overlap the wallpaper and I haven't stopped inhaling smoke and choking on my own tears since you walked away

day 103 - they didn't see it but it's always been there,

day 108 - there are flames in our hands we can't extinguish alone

day 119 - I thought you would cherish my heart in your hands

day 127 - the walls are covered in ash and so are my lungs

day 132 - the whispered promises are on the surface of my skin

day 136 - I feel a breath of life every time you look me in the eyes and nothing could ever replace that feeling

day 144 - its like no matter how far I wander I end up back in your arms

day 159 - happiness, bliss and repeat

day 167 - you had both feet planted to grow roots for our future, this time it's forever

day 182 - the reflections in your eyes were always warm, but on this summer day they were quite far away

day 217 - our laughter doesn't echo anymore, it's always a silence

day 235 - even when you hold my hand, I barely feel your heartbeat, what is happening, my love? Where did you go?

day 270 - it's like the ocean wants to swallow me whole, will you pull me out? how far did you go?

day 302 - I can barely speak, we've been yelling for hours. I'm sorry, my love. What did I do?

day 327 - our picture frames fell in slow motion, there was a glass bottle in your hand. What do you need, my love? How can we mend?

day 344 - I looked into your eyes today, but you weren't there. There was no warmth in your touch today, I feel bare.

day 365 - you walked out the door today, a suitcase in hand. Was my love not enough? Was I the one who let us fade?
Series of the Days we never had
(Oct 14 2014 - Nov 2 2022)
derelictmemory Nov 2022
I haven't breathed easy in awhile
I keep my words hidden
My voice soft
I keep my thoughts silent
My smiles strong

Conversations were on the surface
Touch was only superficial
Never go in too deep, I told myself
Never let yourself drown

I haven't felt relaxed in awhile
They call it hypervigilance
I told him I was just observant
Guessing and second guessing
You and me and them

Closeness was artificial
Connection kept at a distance
Never get too close, I said
Broken and unbroken never again

I haven't breathed easy in awhile
The breaths I take are deep and heavy
Each step laden with weights
but light and soft and quiet
This is how I survive, this is how I survive

No, no it was never easy
The ease you see is curated
The ease you observe is practiced
Keep it light, I remind myself
Keep it muted

Oh, but I want to live
I want to breathe
I want to relax
And I wish it were that easy
I truly wish it was easy
Someone reminded me that I matter. And I wish I could help him understand why it was so hard. But I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
derelictmemory Oct 2022
There's fire in my veins;
A searing touch
A heated look
A molten desire

He asked me what I wanted
And with a heady breath I said
"I want to be consumed,
I want to be desired
I want what is carnal
And I want what is irresistible

I want the untameable;
The raw, unfettered truth
I want the unattainable;
The simple, uncontrollable need"

Warm breath on cold skin
Long nights of sin
He asked me again
What it was I wanted
And I told him
I want want
and desire unencumbered

I want to be consumed
Every breath, every touch, every thought
The same way flames lick at their surroundings
The way water fills every empty space
The way air swathes into endless vacuums

When earth is pressured and heated
It creates diamonds
I want to be consumed
derelictmemory Jun 2022
I still long for you
Even though I've been without touch
I miss the sound of your voice
It reverberates in my mind
Didn't think it'd end in such...

I had to
I hope you understand
And my heart still reaches for you
After everything I've said

I didn't want to cause more pain
So I broke my own heart
Only wanted you to fight for me
But you chose to stay apart

I dont blame you
I threw the final word
But you have a place in my heart
No matter what you've heard

I still love you
But I had to let you go
Because the love you had for me
Still made me feel alone

So I let my heart reach for you
In the light of day and dead of night
Trying my best to move through
All the things you didn't fight

You didn't want to have to prove your worth
That would have been fair
If you hadn't left me in silence
When I was begging for you to be there
I love you. I do. And I had to do what was best for me. Because there hasn't been a single moment you've fought, or advocated for, or supported me.
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