You've left me waiting
for the sound of your footsteps
on the ground
right behind my door
along with the beautiful silent sound
of your smile
growing larger, slowly
but now all that I hear
are the whispers
hiding on the corners
waiting to be found & shown
only to tell
not that I've lost my hearing
but that I've lost you.

There are a few dunes over my body
not created from the sea
nor the wind
or sand at all
but from an unsettled mind
and angry fists
once i tried to count them down but it seemed like
i slipped on some and couldn't recall it
actually, i've lost the count on how
many times i've slipped on them
and lost the count over and over again,
and then i slipped again bleeding out
creating some new dunes over the time
but I think i'm also like a desert
sometimes i feel extremely cold &
sometimes i'm completely hot, full of anger,
full of energy that comes out of nowhere,
and then i'm deadly cold again
but then it last for days
or years
and it's been twenty
'till I counted
last time.

I let my mind give in
i know, i know
it's not a surprise for you
i see
but what did you expect
from a diseased & wicked mind
like me?

I can slash a vein and
feel no pain
at all
but you
hurt me
only
by saying that
you have to
leave
and then you leave
me
bleeding
inside.

It's easy to laugh & it's easy to
fake smiles and
how you're doing
on a daily basis
you just need to
add some lies inside your
head
and pretend you're living in there
but no one knows
what's like
in the middle of the night
when you find yourself
curling up in your bed & blankets
wishing for a kind soul
to suddenly appear
out of nowhere
and take you away from here
and never go back.

It's kinda unfair
to scream in deaf ears
so it may hear it,
maybe
just as much
as you try to convince me
that life may be
suitable
for a person
just like me.

I'm a tiny little boat
and you're my
open sea,
i beg you
to
madly
swallow me up.

This blood flowing
from my mouth
is my desire
to kiss you
good night
good morning
good evening
every single day,
bleeding
through my veins
because love
has never been a one way
course
but this
just seems to be
a lonely love
of a lonely
lover.

I've become a shell
of bittersweet memories &
an emptiness
that weighs much more
than I can bear.

I love the way you cry but
i hate the way you smile
because there's no way
i can get into your mind &
a smile like that
comes out
spontaneously.

You're like the evil voice
lurking inside my head
while the other one
is attempting to show me
how good life could be
if only I could feign
I wanted to live.

She was half a woman
and half a forest on fire,
you'd either die by her soft hands
or carbonized by her warm breath.

It's hard to see
through bloodstained glasses
but when your mind
acts like one
you just can't get away
with being *****
with your own blood
but then comes a time when
what happens
is exactly what you once
tried to escape from
your hands get *****
and your bedsheets become
bloodstained
as much as your mind
but you can't help it
because while you're
purging away all these
***** thoughts
in a toilet,
flushing them away like they
were just an amount
of nothing inside of your body,
the blood keeps on
dripping off your limbs
staining the once
bright white
ceramic
that now is no longer
so beautiful
because it weighs
so much more
than anything else
in the world
and it's even more disgusting
when you think
that this only happened
because of you
with your help
with all those sneaky midnight walks
to the bathroom floor
to stain that room
with no mercy
to stain your body
with no mercy
in order to become something
greater
that only exists inside
your mind & inside that mirror
which insists in showing you
a ***** & blurry truth
that holds a grip inside you
and leads you to a cave
you dig on your own.

I didn't even know you but
when you left
you stole a part of me
that will never be
rescued.

My love
i thought of you tonight
i thought of you and i and
all these thoughts seemed unfair
since you're not here.

There's a perpetual silence
around myself
but I can't help hearing
the ghosts of my voice
inside my head
I wonder if I am going insane
or if this is just
how life works
once you're ready to admit
to yourself
that you'll never be
anything else
but this
no more changing
no more failed attempts
to become someone better
there's no escape
and still I try
as much as everyone else
even though all of us know
that the silence
screams louder
when we keep our mouth shut.

There was fire in his eyes.
She couldn't put the fire out,
so she embraced it, and set herself
on fire.

You're so cold
to touch that
i froze the very first
time your lips met
mine.

wind up this day little girl
you've had enough
of it already
you've had enough of my
words, the most dreadful of
them
release your good will and
be gone like I did
like I do
vanish away with me
to somewhere else where we
can be other than ourselves
where we can be nothing
at all
fade away with me, little girl
i promise never to leave you
not while i live,
not ever.

Writing makes you vulnerable
because you're opening your heart out
and letting yourself
explode into words
and when someone reads it
they may get hurt
but the one who hurt the most
is you
because now they know
and now you know
that you can become a fragile
piece of glass
in their hands
or maybe,
just maybe
a strong piece of human being
who allows himself
to let it all go away
with sharp & sad
words
ready to harm anyone
who's willing to,
even if it's yourself.

I love how i feel your whispers
at night
on my ear
sometimes they're cold like me
sometimes they're gold and
i keep them in my pajamas pocket
forever
just in case that you have to leave
and i can't never hear
your whispers again
so i come back to bed and you're sleeping
beautifully and quietly
but your words seems to want to
escape
from my pocket
so i call you once, twice
and start talking to you with
my slurred voice
and you shut me up
with a goodnight kiss
first on my forehead
and then on my lips
i couldn't taste it well
from the medication
but i can hear
you saying
goodbye, little girl
sleep well,
farewell.

i miss the sight of blood
flowing out
of this body
as much as i miss
the safety & false brief relief
that used to lead me
to my own depths.

I asked you about your secrets
so you threw over my head all
the black pages of all
those books you've once painted with anger
in those dark old
days
so i asked why & why black
and you said because that's
how you felt
in your insides
so i grabbed your hand
and put it over my chest
& i said
that's ok to feel black
sometimes
i've felt & been like this
my whole life
i do not wish i would have been lilac,
or grey, or blue
that's ok to feel like a
black hole
sometimes
because sometimes
people can throw things
back at you
but they will just simply
be swallowed up and
forever forgotten,
and you
will never be touched
by them
again.

There were blades running in
my blood
i could feel every single one of them
specially when i was going to
slit the skin
of my forearm, just to see if i was still
bleeding enough to be
alive
but i was & have been dead for a long time
ago and i
could barely feel
any other blade or needle or knife
piercing my skin,
tearing me off,
pulling my heart away
with no heartbeats,
only blades &
blood.

These walls
are made of blood & pain in the inside
and i beg you
to please
let me
blend in.

And then she asked
with a profound curiosity
something so unraveling
if i ever wanted to get better
i mean
if i truly wanted to get out
of this hell i became
to myself
and others
she asked with a disguised will to
pull me back up
from the black hole i'm in
but i was and i am
so buried
deep into this hole
that all i could do
was say "yes"
and i know,
and god knows
and everyone knows
that in that very moment
i told the biggest lie
i could ever tell anyone.

I burn things so i can feel
the ashes vanishing away
as i blow them off
the ground
I burn people's photographs
so i can feel
their eyes dying just
like their memories
in my mind
yet they never do
I burn myself
so i can feel
the heat of the life
that i've never had the chance
to live at its fullest
because i was way too busy
burning my sadness away
yet it knows
how to come back to life &
fulfill my mind.

I am a flower & you're a butterfly
tho you don't like them
you try to find the best in me
but I am dying &
you can't steal
my death
away.

This medicine was never
meant to be
my partner for
life and on
but after all it turned out
to be my best friend &
enemy at the same instant.

Floating over dark waves  
can't seem to reach the shore
i might sink here
maybe then in the bottom of the dark sea
i can find an empty shell
and take that as my home
forever at the bottom
forever sinking.

Soft souls
never carry a
burden
lighter than
a lifetime.

How to fix
a damaged soul
when its shell
has no longer
a will
to live?

People are always so full
of themselves
but when you need to depict yourself
apart from all the valid reasonable
arguments
you just forget who you really are
you turn into a carrion &
your now cold dead eyes are the ones
in the crow's beak
its unsuccesful attempts to
taste your weaknesses
from inside out
it would never be able to chase you down
but now that you're a parting gift
welcome be the one
that will dissect you quick & harshly
they won't ever care
about what you were
or could be in life
your hopeless future could've come about
once or twice
but you tried hard enough to stop it
by giving yourself a lethal deadline
weren't you?

Hit me harder
smash my head against the concrete
kick my stomach
and tell me you loved me once
and that's how it feels
to love me deeply.

I pick at my scabs
thinking
that I am picking at
parts of you
inside me &
leaving them
& you
for good.

Do you ever
miss yourself
in the middle of the mess
a lifetime can become?

Do you ever hear yourself
begging for an embrace or
a shadowy surprise getting into the dim-lit room
you're in
for a whisper coming from
the back of your neck
to settle your nerves down
when you're sobbing so hopelessly
in your bed at night?

Once i've tried to scape
this living hell so called
mind
but the more i tried to
swim
i ended up sinking even
further
and further
so i reached the bottom of
this
black ocean so called
mind
and i found myself
half dead
but how does one get half dead
when they're not living
at all?
sometimes i still try
to reach on the surface
but deep down myself i
know
i know that i cannot be
of a good use any longer
part of me is dead and
the other part is numb as
i try to ease all the pain
of a lifetime
once lived by myself
or thought that has been lived
or thought that has been someone
once or twice
in life.

Sometimes i need you
sometimes i require you
sometimes i wonder
where you've been
but inside of me
or inside of my mind
or in my words
thrown away with the
wind
like you were just
ashes
but you're
absolutely embodied inside
of me as someone
of my dreams, away
yet so close
to me.

22/11/13

Swollen fists never gonna
be useful for
swollen-eyed sad people
who wake up
feeling lonely
at 2am.

I'm willing to get hurt
but be aware that i'm probably gonna hurt you more.

The incense is burning.
I look at the fading smoke and
i wonder
when will be the day that
i'm gonna turn
into ashes,
and be blown away
with the wind
forever?

We know we're broken
shattered in tiny pieces
but you also know that
i want to steal you &
all your pieces &
make you feel
whole
because if you don't feel that way
be aware that's how i feel
around you
even if my tiny shattered pieces
are way too lost
into the space
or in someone else's life
or in someone else's heart
or maybe even inside
myself
but i can't be so sure about that
because even if i was
what excuse would i have
to say
that i'm no longer &
may never be able to see
that human being
who i'm supposed to be?

You come & go
like I was a bridge
you can walk through
over & over
but i'm about to
fall down
and i'm dragging you
with me
whatever it takes.

If i could do anything
to stop
this suffering
i probably wouldn’t
for i’m so used to it
that i can’t even
picture myself
out of it &
it hurts even more
to admit that
i probably don’t want to

I don't wanna know about
your problems
deal with 'em & leave
so I can deal with mine
on my own
you left once
I don't need you
you don't need me
we don't need each other
anymore
don't fool yourself
i'm going away
and it's for the best.

You are the first & last words
of a forgotten favorite poem
but i couldn't hold on to
the memories you
once gave me
so i brought you back
& then you brought me
pain,
again.
When will I learn?

When you're shattered
you should be aware
of your sharp edges
so you won't hurt
the ones
who tries to embrace you
with a gentle & warm
smile.

I'll rip your
neck off
& watch it
bleeding slow
because
that's
always
the best part
of the show.

Drain this blood
Out of me
Drain this pain
Out of my soul
Drain this body
Out of this world
So I can be in peace
& in pieces
Wandering through the
Worlds of the undead
& the sinners
Just let me out
So I can inhale
And exhale
The fresh air
Of the real death.