My hand moves left to right,
over a blank piece of paper,
smudging what I write.
As my sleeve
absorbs my pens red ink,
The edge of my white sweatshirt
turns a shade of light pink.
"just roll up your sleeves"
I can't, not even a little bit.
It may not seem like a big deal to you,
but that's where I hide my secrets.
You may be okay with sharing yours,
But I try to forget mine exist.
You write your secrets in a diary,
and I write mine on my wrist.

i mean nothing
i am worthless
no one wants me
i’m an option
i’m ugly
i’m not enough
i should try harder
i deserve nothing
everyone is given what i ache for most
this isn’t f-ing fair

feeling fine
freely smiling
music in my ears
i’m jamming out
that one song comes on
i know it in three notes
i thought i deleted it
it stops me in my tracks
because now im reliving it

it’s his birthday  
he’s turning 18 today
i wonder if he’s doing okay
i wonder if his dad still hates him
i wonder the last time he got hit
i hope he never hits his kids
weird saying his and not ours

it’s not you
it’s me
i don’t know what’s happening
but i just can’t stand being around you
you did nothing wrong
but i think im growing
and you’re happy with where you’re at
im okay with that
i just feel bad
i grow cold in your presence
i think you’re starting to sense it
just know it’s not you
it’s me

all in a group
talking after church
they asked you about a girl
you denied, denied, denied
you keep looking at me now
“she’s just not my type”
you’re looking at me
with eyes that wonder if i care
if im possibly jealous
it gives me a spark
a glimmer of hope
cuz why would you care if i cared?
i must be delusional

the beast within
a ticking time bomb
never know when what you do is wrong

run and hide
close the blinds
the monster is out from under the bed

“look what you did”
“it’s all your fault”
it really wasn’t but that’s fine

i said i was sorry
“sorry doesn’t fix it”
“your apology was arrogant”
here we go again

the beast is out of its cage
someone else forgot to feed it
but the target is always me

doesn’t matter what you say
what you do
or try to prove

the beast is hungry
the monster is angry
the beast is scary
the monster is crashing
the beast is dad
the monster is him
it’s better when both are silent and hidden within

i bet you’re on the pills again
cuz you’re still missing me
and your girlfriend she ended it
so how are you supposed to sleep

yeah i bet you’re on the pills again
your pain cuts so deep
tequila can’t fill the cuts
they’re everywhere you leave

i hope your daddy’s done hating you
i don’t know cuz he knows and won’t save you
explains how f-ed up you came to be
explains the ways you treated me

you’ve been sick and i fell for it
i’ve loved the sick since i could breath
thinking maybe i could save you
how hilarious of me
and i’m sick for kind of loving it
the way that you needed me
cuz the sick can be contagious
and you were contagious to me
i bet you’re on the pills again

i have these voices in my head

with me when i’m awake or in bed
when i’m smiling and happy
they come and break my peace
telling me weird things
that make me lose my ease

they tell me i won’t get better
they tell me i don’t matter
they tell me one day ill be dead
so why not get it over with instead

the voices are evil and cold
but they comfort me when i’m all alone
they tell me to do things to myself
and be sure that no one knows

oh the voices in my head
they walk me to my death

are they staring at me?
laughing at me?
my head hurts
“always in that dang room”
i don’t like me anymore
“get off your phone”
i didn’t eat lunch today
“you’re so skinny”
not enough
“gorgeous girl!”
am i tho?

i deleted him
finally
after a whole year of agony
i deleted our texts
i deleted our pictures
i deleted his contact

i wish i could delete the memory of him
i wish i could delete the moments with him
i wish i could forget how safe i felt with him
i haven’t felt safe in a long time

when i swiped left
to delete our texts
something broke inside of me
and he was the one person i wanted to see in that moment

going through our pictures
hurt something different

and deleting his contact
i think i might’ve screamed
cuz it hit me
he’s really not coming back

apparently he misses me
i wish he would’ve told me before it was too late
but i’m proud of him for keeping no contact
i know it was hard for him too

i’m not angry at him anymore
just hurt
life is magically terrible
love is wonderfully painful

he’s not coming back
but i think im finally ok with that

“you’re so mature for your age”
i was 8
i don’t think i should be mature at 8
i shouldn’t even know what “mature” means
i should’ve been a kid but he robbed me

“YOU NEED TO ACT YOUR AGE”
i am!! i finally am!!!
i’m 14 and messed up completely
this is what it’s like now to be a teen

“act like an adult”
yet i’m treated like a child
no wonder you think im wild

your calling me crazed?
babe im freaking insane!!
i’m 16 and everytime that you call
i bang my head against the wall
i wanna KICK,
SCREAM,
and CRY!!
but that’s not how i should behave
it’s not how i was raised
because im “so mature for my age”

i saw him today
he was wearing grey
he never wears grey
he wears blues and reds
purple and beige
but never grey
why was he wearing grey?
i don’t know why it bothers me
or why everything he does still effects me
even though he left me
i’m angry that he’s changed
cuz im still the same
and i hate me that way
and why does he get to be happy after everything he did to me?
because i’m still crying about that random friday 8 months ago
i wish i could hate him
despise him
forget him
but he’s everywhere
he’s in the words posted on my wall
in the tears that i wipe from my face in the stall
he’s in my clothes, in my bed, in my head
and in the sky with every sunset
people say he misses me
but if that’s so true why did he move on so easily?
cuz he’s dating my friend

well we’re not friends
not anymore
that girl
i trusted
i confided in
yet she went in found him
said i lied to him
and then said she loved him
she made him leave me
resent me
hate me
yet i’m kind to her
i include her and welcome her
heck i even sit with her when no one else will because they hate what she did to me
but still she talks about me to him
blinds him from the truth
she’s saying i hate him when that will never be true
i miss him
i love him, not romantically but unconditionally
and i really wish he knew it too
but, yeah, i saw him today
he was wearing grey

all my friends are falling in love
and guys are falling for them
they’re all asking when i will
even my guys friends ask questions

they ask how im still single
cuz “respectfully you’re pretty
if i didn’t see you as a sister,
i’d totally fall for you”

it’s a weird thing to say
but i think it’s sweet
it’s reassuring
knowing that maybe there’s nothing actually wrong with me

maybe God is making me wait
i mean i’m horrible at patience
but then i remember
that little thing He whispered to me

He has that perfect guy planned for me
and tho he has a girlfriend now
he’s gonna realize it’s meant to be me

i know i sound crazy
but i kinda like crazy

two years ago
we were at church camp
i told myself i forgive you
i told God that i forgive you

i thought that if i forgave you
the nightmares would stop
the triggers would cease
and that maybe a could see you as a person
and not the person who took everything from me

but that’s not what happened
it all got worse
the nightmares became real
i wake up screaming
begging for you to stop

i don’t forgive you
i never will
i hate you
with all of my being

they know what you did to me
and the know what it did to me
yet they allow you to bother me
they allow you to be in the same room
they allow you to be in society

if wishes were bullets
you’d be dead to me

i went thrifting the other day
i found this cute sweater
it looked familiar
but i bought it anyway
i knew i’d seen it before
maybe in a store or on someone i know
but i put it on td
and i got a whiff of it
and then i knew
it was her’s
the girl he left me for
which is why it looks so familiar
she’s worn it before
that’s why it smells like him
i shouldn’t care tho
it’s just a stupid sweater

“such a happy girl”
2017: yes cuz i’m getting ice cream!!!
2024: yes cuz tonight i am attempting.

see the difference?
no?
i wouldn’t think so.

“cool, calm, and collected”
that’s how i get described
im so self aware
but how self aware is a girl who’s ripping out her hair?

i’m cool but i feel the anger
it burns and festers deep in my soul
i don’t know what to do with it
if i let it out i’ll be seen as something different

i try to stay calm
but i’m fixing to crash out
i don’t know how much more i can take
before i make this a room to rage in

i’m full and collected
i’m full with an ache and deep sadness
i can not handle or describe
i collect all the pain and agony
push it deep inside

so mature for my age
but i just want to kick and scream
have a full grown tantrum
to put myself at ease

i have myself together
but i dont know who i am
i haven’t known for a long time
that girl from 2017
i don’t even recognize

at least ive had a few glow ups
but those still aren’t enough
to satisfy any of the boys i wish i could love

“cool, calm, and collected”
fully self aware
mature for my age
fully put together
a glow up here and there

but how self aware is a girl ripping out her hair?

“please! just tell me what’s wrong! why are you always so angry and distant all the time?!  i’m trying to help you why won’t you let me??!”

“you just wouldn’t understand, this is something i have to deal with on my own”

and then he felt it
the feeling of her trying to break down the conjured barrier around his thoughts
the feeling of her trying to see him the way she can see everyone else

“STOP IT”
he yelled slamming her into the wall without even touching her skin
“STOP TRYING TO GET IN MY HEAD”
the girl that was never afraid now looked completely terrified
he loosens his mental grip he had on her body , looking into her violet eyes and pulls her close
“i’m sorry love”
he whispers
“it’s just too dark in here”

I trusted you
I trusted you

Still see the brand of your jeans
Your hands were cold as ice
And it still keeps me up at night

I wish I had the words to say
But I'm still working through the pain
It's killing me day after day
But I won't take it to my grave

I'm telling you
I'll tell 'em all, I'll tell the truth
Oh, just the thought of you
Controlling all I do
If I bury anything, I'll bury you

I wish I had the words to say
But I'm still working through the pain
It's killing me day after day
But I won't take it to my grave

Did you, did you
Think I'd keep our little secret?
I don't have any good reason
To not come clean from your demons
I'm damaged, I'm bleeding
Did you think I would stay quiet?
That I'd forgive and not fight it?
But the resentment is hiding
And you can't scare me to silence

I wish I had the words to say
But I'm still working through the pain
It's killing me day after day
But I won't take it to my grave

Still see the brand of your jeans
Your hands were cold as ice
And it still keeps me up at night

my therapist said to love the things that are wrong with me
but why should i love starving myself
or having so much rage
cuz one day i will crash out
loving all these horrible things?
it reminds me of loving M
i want to name drop him
expose him
but that’s dangerous
but i have to love the way that i hate that i loved you
and love the things about me you hated
that i grew to hate too
but now i have C
and he’s teaching me that i have every right to hate you
so with that i say
“I HATE YOU!”
much better

11:11
make a wish
something i’ve said since i was a kid

“what’d you wish for?”
the same question always asked
“i bet you wished for…”
the guesses flood in

“an A on the test”
“money in your pocket”
“for —— to like you”

i laugh and chuckle
if only they knew
i wish for one thing
it’s always the same

for the aching pain to go away
for the agony to cease
for me to have one night where my brain is at peace

i just want a break
for my breathing to maybe cease
and for my body to be at peace

but you can’t tell them that
if you say it
your wish won’t come true
so i just say
“for me to have back the boy i once knew”

11:11
make a wish

half of my friends are in middle school
i wonder if im breaking a rule
16 with besties that are barely teens
but trust me
i have good reasoning
i never got to be 13
my memory is blocked
my brains way of erasing trauma
i’m living through these middle schoolers
trying to fill the gap
helping them make memories
i’ll never even have
i just want to make sure
that they don’t break like me
that they look back and feel happy about who they were
and not what they had to grow from

two years ago
we were at church camp
i told myself i forgive you
i told God that i forgive you

i thought that if i forgave you
the nightmares would stop
the triggers would cease
and that maybe a could see you as a person
and not the person who took everything from me

but that’s not what happened
it all got worse
the nightmares became real
i wake up screaming
begging for you to stop

i don’t forgive you
i never will
i hate you
with all of my being

they know what you did to me
and the know what it did to me
yet they allow you to bother me
they allow you to be in the same room
they allow you to be in society

if wishes were bullets
you’d be dead to me

playing me so methodically
in every single way
i know it’s only seventh grade
but that doesn’t make it ok

i’ve been waiting for you
and i’d go to you right away
all you have to do is say when

you’ve thrown me on a roller coaster
loop after loop
when you wanted to race
i didn’t know all the things id be chasing

all my friends give advice
and i know i should listen
but i say it’s fine
even tho it isn’t

wish i could let go of the idea
that you’ll come to me eventually
and maybe you will

elliot
that stupidly beautiful name
constantly in my head
all i think about when i go to bed

it’s so messed up
that i let you get away with this
but one day
you’ll finally see me
as the perfect thing

but by then i’ll be happy with the man
that has always seen me for who i am
and you might even cry
a cry filled with the agony you put me through

and you’re gonna realize
you really fumbled
but what can you do

boys will be boys
they’re stupid and blind
and they only realize what’s good for them when it’s to late
and you’ll be to late

you were 9 when you heard about depression for the first time
you told yourself “that will never be me
i’m gonna be happy
i’m gonna be free”

then at 10 you started to wonder
why am i so sad?
it made your mom worry
so did your dad

And at 11 you cut for the first time making you wonder
why
why
why it made you feel better
you just wanted to quit but you still did everything you could to hide it

then at 12 you let your mind dwell on the thoughts saying  just end it
it’s all you wanted to do
yet still you didn’t

but at 13 you tried pills for the first time
started with a high and then enough to die

and at 14 you met him
the one you thought saved you
but still you tried and you tried
you tried to fight , to die, sometimes both at the same time

then at 15 you went to therapy saying
“i don’t think this can save me”
but still he encouraged you
he was proud of you

now you’re 16 and he’s not here anymore
the pain left with him, but who’s keeping score?
it took a few years but you’re finally free
just like that 9 year old said you would be

blonde                          brunette
blue eyes                  green eyes
tan                                  porcelain
soft nose                  sharp nose
gapped tooth smile perfect teeth
painted on makeup natural make up
judgy                          genuine
nice                          kind
average body          perfect hour glass
flat                              curvy
muscular skinny     healthy skinny
abs                                  flat stomach
freaky                          romantic
clingy                          adoring
they                          always
choose                          the
                   BLONDE

she sees him
and her stomach flips

those eyes
and his smile
make her fall more and more

she never seen someone so perfect

he sees her
his heart swells

her gorgeous face
her kind voice
he longs for her

but to him, she deserves someone perfect

see ive met THE person
ive known him my whole life
i’ve known it was gonna be him since we were 5
we’re 16 now
and he has a gorgeous girlfriend
of almost a year
i catch him staring often tho
with a look in his eyes
the look tells me that he knows it too
that he knows we’re meant to be
it might explain why he acts like he hates me
but i know he doesn’t
how could he?
especially after all the stolen moments we’ve had
i know he remembers them

what a load of bull
i wish that was the rule
that we only felt physical pain
i’d take that any day

some of the things that have been said
they constantly replay in my head
i look in the mirror
“talk about chopped”
“you look like a little kid”
“i think you’re gaining”
“your hips are uneven”

there’s been so much worse said
but it’s okay
they’re all just jokes anyway
so don’t take it to seriously
or you **** the party

“talk about chopped”
i wake up two hours early
to do my hair
pick an outfit
but it’s never enough

“you look like a little kid”
i put on layers of makeup
just trying to feel like my age
but i constantly feel like im trapped in a cage

“i think you’re gaining”
yeah i know
my usually flat stomach
is getting some rolls
i’ve already crashed out tho
and i kinda stopped eating
but its ok
i don’t mind it

“your hips are uneven”
gee thanks
that’s so sweet of you
the one thing a like about myself
is something you hate too

i give my self delusional confidence
and fake self-esteem
it sends me on a rush
to where i don’t care
about anything

but then the crash comes
and i realize it wasn’t real
and i try not to cry
i try not to scream
knowing that people only like
the delusionally dazed me

but it’s fine
it’s all just jokes
sticks and stones
i use them to break my skin
and my bones

im just a shell
of an angry person
trying to be enough
so that people won’t leave
but it never works for me
i didn’t even show up today
and no one is texting me
to see if i’m okay
i’d do it for them tho
idk why i care about people
that couldn’t care less about me

walking into school
i almost had a heart attack
i swear i saw you walking
right in front of me
i heard you’re laugh
for the first time in months

i put some speed in my step
as i walked to chemistry
trying to get you next to me
i couldn’t believe it was you

but of course
it wasn’t you
you’ve been dead since last july
so i the middle of the hallway
i started to cry

we’re half way finished
half way there
we’ve almost done it
just two more years

when freshman year started
we couldn’t wait for it to end
but now it’s almost here
i wish we could go back
and do it all again

to fix the mistakes
to say the right things
and to not give my heart
to a boy by who i am hated

i want to be young again
to get back those two years
all i can remember are pain and tears
now we have to plan for the future

we have to plan the rest of our lives
how do you do that?
my life was more together when i was five
i know who i want to be
but i don’t know who i am

i’m only 16
these plans feel to big for me
but we’re half way finished
we’re half way there
we’ve almost done it
just two more years

i saw him today
he was wearing grey
he never wears grey
he wears blues and reds
purple and beige
but never grey
why was he wearing grey?
i don’t know why it bothers me
or why everything he does still effects me
even though he left me
i’m angry that he’s changed
cuz im still the same
and i hate me that way
and why does he get to be happy after everything he did to me?
because i’m still crying about that random friday 8 months ago
i wish i could hate him
despise him
forget him
but he’s everywhere
he’s in the words posted on my wall
in the tears that i wipe from my face in the stall
he’s in my clothes, in my bed, in my head
and in the sky with every sunset
people say he misses me
but if that’s so true why did he move on so easily?
cuz he’s dating my friend

well we’re not friends
not anymore
that girl
i trusted
i confided in
yet she went in found him
said i lied to him
and then said she loved him
she made him leave me
resent me
hate me
yet i’m kind to her
i include her and welcome her
heck i even sit with her when no one else will because they hate what she did to me
but still she talks about me to him
blinds him from the truth
she’s saying i hate him when that will never be true
i miss him
i love him, not romantically but unconditionally
and i really wish he knew it too
but, yeah, i saw him today
he was wearing grey