My hand moves left to right,
over a blank piece of paper,
smudging what I write.
As my sleeve
absorbs my pens red ink,
The edge of my white sweatshirt
turns a shade of light pink.
"just roll up your sleeves"
I can't, not even a little bit.
It may not seem like a big deal to you,
but that's where I hide my secrets.
You may be okay with sharing yours,
But I try to forget mine exist.
You write your secrets in a diary,
and I write mine on my wrist.

all in a group
talking after church
they asked you about a girl
you denied, denied, denied
you keep looking at me now
“she’s just not my type”
you’re looking at me
with eyes that wonder if i care
if im possibly jealous
it gives me a spark
a glimmer of hope
cuz why would you care if i cared?
i must be delusional

i have these voices in my head

with me when i’m awake or in bed
when i’m smiling and happy
they come and break my peace
telling me weird things
that make me lose my ease

they tell me i won’t get better
they tell me i don’t matter
they tell me one day ill be dead
so why not get it over with instead

the voices are evil and cold
but they comfort me when i’m all alone
they tell me to do things to myself
and be sure that no one knows

oh the voices in my head
they walk me to my death

“such a happy girl”
2017: yes cuz i’m getting ice cream!!!
2024: yes cuz tonight i am attempting.

see the difference?
no?
i wouldn’t think so.

i saw him today
he was wearing grey
he never wears grey
he wears blues and reds
purple and beige
but never grey
why was he wearing grey?
i don’t know why it bothers me
or why everything he does still effects me
even though he left me
i’m angry that he’s changed
cuz im still the same
and i hate me that way
and why does he get to be happy after everything he did to me?
because i’m still crying about that random friday 8 months ago
i wish i could hate him
despise him
forget him
but he’s everywhere
he’s in the words posted on my wall
in the tears that i wipe from my face in the stall
he’s in my clothes, in my bed, in my head
and in the sky with every sunset
people say he misses me
but if that’s so true why did he move on so easily?
cuz he’s dating my friend

well we’re not friends
not anymore
that girl
i trusted
i confided in
yet she went in found him
said i lied to him
and then said she loved him
she made him leave me
resent me
hate me
yet i’m kind to her
i include her and welcome her
heck i even sit with her when no one else will because they hate what she did to me
but still she talks about me to him
blinds him from the truth
she’s saying i hate him when that will never be true
i miss him
i love him, not romantically but unconditionally
and i really wish he knew it too
but, yeah, i saw him today
he was wearing grey

11:11
make a wish
something i’ve said since i was a kid

“what’d you wish for?”
the same question always asked
“i bet you wished for…”
the guesses flood in

“an A on the test”
“money in your pocket”
“for —— to like you”

i laugh and chuckle
if only they knew
i wish for one thing
it’s always the same

for the aching pain to go away
for the agony to cease
for me to have one night where my brain is at peace

i just want a break
for my breathing to maybe cease
and for my body to be at peace

but you can’t tell them that
if you say it
your wish won’t come true
so i just say
“for me to have back the boy i once knew”

11:11
make a wish

“you’re so mature for your age”
i was 8
i don’t think i should be mature at 8
i shouldn’t even know what “mature” means
i should’ve been a kid but he robbed me

“YOU NEED TO ACT YOUR AGE”
i am!! i finally am!!!
i’m 14 and messed up completely
this is what it’s like now to be a teen

“act like an adult”
yet i’m treated like a child
no wonder you think im wild

your calling me crazed?
babe im freaking insane!!
i’m 16 and everytime that you call
i bang my head against the wall
i wanna KICK,
SCREAM,
and CRY!!
but that’s not how i should behave
it’s not how i was raised
because im “so mature for my age”

she sees him
and her stomach flips

those eyes
and his smile
make her fall more and more

she never seen someone so perfect

he sees her
his heart swells

her gorgeous face
her kind voice
he longs for her

but to him, she deserves someone perfect

i saw him today
he was wearing grey
he never wears grey
he wears blues and reds
purple and beige
but never grey
why was he wearing grey?
i don’t know why it bothers me
or why everything he does still effects me
even though he left me
i’m angry that he’s changed
cuz im still the same
and i hate me that way
and why does he get to be happy after everything he did to me?
because i’m still crying about that random friday 8 months ago
i wish i could hate him
despise him
forget him
but he’s everywhere
he’s in the words posted on my wall
in the tears that i wipe from my face in the stall
he’s in my clothes, in my bed, in my head
and in the sky with every sunset
people say he misses me
but if that’s so true why did he move on so easily?
cuz he’s dating my friend

well we’re not friends
not anymore
that girl
i trusted
i confided in
yet she went in found him
said i lied to him
and then said she loved him
she made him leave me
resent me
hate me
yet i’m kind to her
i include her and welcome her
heck i even sit with her when no one else will because they hate what she did to me
but still she talks about me to him
blinds him from the truth
she’s saying i hate him when that will never be true
i miss him
i love him, not romantically but unconditionally
and i really wish he knew it too
but, yeah, i saw him today
he was wearing grey

what a load of bull
i wish that was the rule
that we only felt physical pain
i’d take that any day

some of the things that have been said
they constantly replay in my head
i look in the mirror
“talk about chopped”
“you look like a little kid”
“i think you’re gaining”
“your hips are uneven”

there’s been so much worse said
but it’s okay
they’re all just jokes anyway
so don’t take it to seriously
or you **** the party

“talk about chopped”
i wake up two hours early
to do my hair
pick an outfit
but it’s never enough

“you look like a little kid”
i put on layers of makeup
just trying to feel like my age
but i constantly feel like im trapped in a cage

“i think you’re gaining”
yeah i know
my usually flat stomach
is getting some rolls
i’ve already crashed out tho
and i kinda stopped eating
but its ok
i don’t mind it

“your hips are uneven”
gee thanks
that’s so sweet of you
the one thing a like about myself
is something you hate too

i give my self delusional confidence
and fake self-esteem
it sends me on a rush
to where i don’t care
about anything

but then the crash comes
and i realize it wasn’t real
and i try not to cry
i try not to scream
knowing that people only like
the delusionally dazed me

but it’s fine
it’s all just jokes
sticks and stones
i use them to break my skin
and my bones

someone will love me
just as i am
every freckle and scar
he’ll see them as planned

half of my friends are in middle school
i wonder if im breaking a rule
16 with besties that are barely teens
but trust me
i have good reasoning
i never got to be 13
my memory is blocked
my brains way of erasing trauma
i’m living through these middle schoolers
trying to fill the gap
helping them make memories
i’ll never even have
i just want to make sure
that they don’t break like me
that they look back and feel happy about who they were
and not what they had to grow from

you say you’ll never leave
oh baby, that’s so sweet
but you don’t know a single thing
cuz you’re gonna meet THE girl
she’s gonna be your whole entire world
BUT
she’s gonna hate me
she’s gonna make you choose
and then that’s when you’re gonna leave

now,
i’m staring at my ceiling
trying not to cry
cuz calling you was the only way i got by
sure,
i see you every single day
but we don’t say a single thing
it went stranger, just friends, stranger again
cuz you said you’d never leave

now,
you won’t even look at me
son,
can’t you see it’s destroying me?
i told you i never cry
but lately that’s been such a lie
ever since that awful day
i told you to walk away
because deep down
i started to believe
that you really would always be there for me
i’m so sorry

you were 9 when you heard about depression for the first time
you told yourself “that will never be me
i’m gonna be happy
i’m gonna be free”

then at 10 you started to wonder
why am i so sad?
it made your mom worry
so did your dad

And at 11 you cut for the first time making you wonder
why
why
why it made you feel better
you just wanted to quit but you still did everything you could to hide it

then at 12 you let your mind dwell on the thoughts saying  just end it
it’s all you wanted to do
yet still you didn’t

but at 13 you tried pills for the first time
started with a high and then enough to die

and at 14 you met him
the one you thought saved you
but still you tried and you tried
you tried to fight , to die, sometimes both at the same time

then at 15 you went to therapy saying
“i don’t think this can save me”
but still he encouraged you
he was proud of you

now you’re 16 and he’s not here anymore
the pain left with him, but who’s keeping score?
it took a few years but you’re finally free
just like that 9 year old said you would be

the beast within
a ticking time bomb
never know when what you do is wrong

run and hide
close the blinds
the monster is out from under the bed

“look what you did”
“it’s all your fault”
it really wasn’t but that’s fine

i said i was sorry
“sorry doesn’t fix it”
“your apology was arrogant”
here we go again

the beast is out of its cage
someone else forgot to feed it
but the target is always me

doesn’t matter what you say
what you do
or try to prove

the beast is hungry
the monster is angry
the beast is scary
the monster is crashing
the beast is dad
the monster is him
it’s better when both are silent and hidden within

we’re half way finished
half way there
we’ve almost done it
just two more years

when freshman year started
we couldn’t wait for it to end
but now it’s almost here
i wish we could go back
and do it all again

to fix the mistakes
to say the right things
and to not give my heart
to a boy by who i am hated

i want to be young again
to get back those two years
all i can remember are pain and tears
now we have to plan for the future

we have to plan the rest of our lives
how do you do that?
my life was more together when i was five
i know who i want to be
but i don’t know who i am

i’m only 16
these plans feel to big for me
but we’re half way finished
we’re half way there
we’ve almost done it
just two more years

playing me so methodically
in every single way
i know it’s only seventh grade
but that doesn’t make it ok

i’ve been waiting for you
and i’d go to you right away
all you have to do is say when

you’ve thrown me on a roller coaster
loop after loop
when you wanted to race
i didn’t know all the things id be chasing

all my friends give advice
and i know i should listen
but i say it’s fine
even tho it isn’t

wish i could let go of the idea
that you’ll come to me eventually
and maybe you will

elliot
that stupidly beautiful name
constantly in my head
all i think about when i go to bed

it’s so messed up
that i let you get away with this
but one day
you’ll finally see me
as the perfect thing

but by then i’ll be happy with the man
that has always seen me for who i am
and you might even cry
a cry filled with the agony you put me through

and you’re gonna realize
you really fumbled
but what can you do

boys will be boys
they’re stupid and blind
and they only realize what’s good for them when it’s to late
and you’ll be to late

walking into school
i almost had a heart attack
i swear i saw you walking
right in front of me
i heard you’re laugh
for the first time in months

i put some speed in my step
as i walked to chemistry
trying to get you next to me
i couldn’t believe it was you

but of course
it wasn’t you
you’ve been dead since last july
so i the middle of the hallway
i started to cry

she was the girl who never put her body on display.
her hair was always put in a loose braid
her lips sealed shut with a pained smile every once and awhile
he was the guy who laughed loudly at the front of the class after a hard night
his hair fell perfectly on his sculpted face.
his humour being rude and sarcastic.
baseball was his life
now, darling, this is no love story.
you'd expect them to be polar opposites.
but the fresh cuts on both their wrists forbid me to assume that.
for they were best friends
he made her feel safe
she made him feel seen
they understood each other
they understood how the pain makes everything all better
it’s one of the most tragic fairytales of all

in a way
i’m an experiment
a surgical project
i teach the broken boys how to love

they practice on me
they learn to say the right things
to do the right things
and to avoid the wrong things
and how to not say something stupid

the problem is tho
how am i supposed to know
when a boy wants me
and not a lesson
will i even know how to handle it?
or will i freak and leave
how will i know if its real
and not an experiment

it’s getting to the point to where i need a lesson
not on how to love
but how to be truly loved
because i don’t know what that feels like
for the only thing on a guys mind to be me
and not because they want something
but because they want to give me everything

because everytime
he takes what he needs
learns what he wanted to know
and treats the next girl how i would treat him,
perfectly

i wonder if that’s why im here
to teach boys how to love the broken girls
if i’m just supposed to help fix girls ill never even know

i’m trying to come to peace with it
but i’m a broken girl too
i want for a boy to actually fix me
not pretend too

in a way
i’m an experiment
a surgical project
i teach the broken boys how to love

they practice on me
they learn to say the right things
to do the right things
and to avoid the wrong things
and how to not say something stupid

the problem is tho
how am i supposed to know
when a boy wants me
and not a lesson
will i even know how to handle it?
or will i freak and leave
how will i know if its real
and not an experiment

it’s getting to the point to where i need a lesson
not on how to love
but how to be truly loved
because i don’t know what that feels like
for the only thing on a guys mind to be me
and not because they want something
but because they want to give me everything

because everytime
he takes what he needs
learns what he wanted to know
and treats the next girl how i would treat him,
perfectly

i wonder if that’s why im here
to teach boys how to love the broken girls
if i’m just supposed to help fix girls ill never even know

i’m trying to come to peace with it
but i’m a broken girl too
i want for a boy to actually fix me
not pretend too

i deleted him
finally
after a whole year of agony
i deleted our texts
i deleted our pictures
i deleted his contact

i wish i could delete the memory of him
i wish i could delete the moments with him
i wish i could forget how safe i felt with him
i haven’t felt safe in a long time

when i swiped left
to delete our texts
something broke inside of me
and he was the one person i wanted to see in that moment

going through our pictures
hurt something different

and deleting his contact
i think i might’ve screamed
cuz it hit me
he’s really not coming back

apparently he misses me
i wish he would’ve told me before it was too late
but i’m proud of him for keeping no contact
i know it was hard for him too

i’m not angry at him anymore
just hurt
life is magically terrible
love is wonderfully painful

he’s not coming back
but i think im finally ok with that

it’s been a whole year
how can this be?
it feels like yesterday when she was telling me about the date you took her on

you were taken to soon
but you accomplished so much so young
you are still giving us words of wisdom
without speaking words at all

you paint the sky beautiful on all of your special days
the happy ones and the one where you were taken away

people still cry for you
but they are slowly turning to tears of happiness
happiness for the memories
and the impact you made
and knowing that we will see you again

but until then we’ll talk about the memories
all the goofy things you do and say

it’s been a whole year
how can this be?
i swear i can feel you right next to me

are they staring at me?
laughing at me?
my head hurts
“always in that dang room”
i don’t like me anymore
“get off your phone”
i didn’t eat lunch today
“you’re so skinny”
not enough
“gorgeous girl!”
am i tho?

there’s a new girl at school today
i don’t know her name
i said i loved her hair
i hope it made her day

people say i scare them
and i wonder why
they tell me it’s not like a horror movie
or jump scare
more of a
“is she okay?”
kinda scare

they say it’s scary
how i can speak of my darkest days
while putting makeup on my face
and not even thinking twice

and it’s scary
how i don’t care what anyone thinks
but i care about everyone around me

and it’s scary
how i’m the helper
but apparently i need the most

and it’s scary
how i stare off into space
and disassociate from all the pain
but can so swiftly throw a smile on my face

and it’s scary
how i can be the funniest one in the room
but i won’t laugh the whole night

and it’s scary
that apparently im pretty
and any guy should want me
yet i’m single
and always have been

and it’s scary
how i can sit and talk
with the one that stole my innocence
but hold and conceal all my anger within

i don’t see what’s so scary
i’ve always been like this
this is completely normal
i’m not scared
totally

If i treated you,
the way you treated me,
You would hate me.

the house is on fire
it catches the leaves
drive by and ignore it
it spreads with the breeze

this house always burns
it will never cease
if you listen closely
you can hear the screams

the screams from years ago
the agony and pain
back before she knew
she had to keep it contained

this burning house is different
it comes with a funny catch
you can not see its flames
they never physically catch

the fire is within the home
if you can even call it that
the arguments and yelling
fuel like gasoline

only now she burns herself
to contain her screams

all my friends are falling in love
and guys are falling for them
they’re all asking when i will
even my guys friends ask questions

they ask how im still single
cuz “respectfully you’re pretty
if i didn’t see you as a sister,
i’d totally fall for you”

it’s a weird thing to say
but i think it’s sweet
it’s reassuring
knowing that maybe there’s nothing actually wrong with me

maybe God is making me wait
i mean i’m horrible at patience
but then i remember
that little thing He whispered to me

He has that perfect guy planned for me
and tho he has a girlfriend now
he’s gonna realize it’s meant to be me

i know i sound crazy
but i kinda like crazy

Monday 9:05 PM
tell ur lil friend to stop texting m* before he ****** me off for answering
+
Yesterday 12:47 PM
hey it was just supposed to be a joke m* didn't have to answer lol that was his choice didn't realize u would get pressed but sorry abt it all it won't happen again
Read Yesterday
AVA!!! has notifications silenced

but then again
i kinda intended for
you to be offended
that he answered me faster
than he even thinks of you

cuz i mean
you took him from me
so excuse me
for feeling a little petty
after he left me
for you

God forbid i liked a boy
and all of this for what?
when everything went down we’d already “broken up”
tell me who i am
cuz i don’t have a choice
all because i liked
a stupid f ing boy

but i’m still kind to you
and you know its true
but you still treat me
like that word that means poo
yet i haven’t told him
a single word you say abt him
since you won’t say it to his face

it’s funny cuz he misses me
which means he’s thinking of me
when he’s avoiding you

oh and when he thinks of you
it’s cuz he wants to break up with you…
and i have screenshot proof

it’s the first day of school
it felt kinda weird
i don’t have classes with my ex
cuz he left
i think i did some damage
after he stabbed me in the back
and he knows he deserved that
so he left our school
kinda like how he left me
he’s oddly good at leaving
it’s kinda funny
cuz like i was brave
and i saw you face to face
and i didn’t cry or run away
infact i laughed
and he knows i only laugh if it hurt really bad
but he sure is a coward
ran off right when he realized he really messed up
i was ready and willing
ready to face it
willing to face it
but he’s a coward
i’m brave
i hate being brave

see ive met THE person
ive known him my whole life
i’ve known it was gonna be him since we were 5
we’re 16 now
and he has a gorgeous girlfriend
of almost a year
i catch him staring often tho
with a look in his eyes
the look tells me that he knows it too
that he knows we’re meant to be
it might explain why he acts like he hates me
but i know he doesn’t
how could he?
especially after all the stolen moments we’ve had
i know he remembers them

“cool, calm, and collected”
that’s how i get described
im so self aware
but how self aware is a girl who’s ripping out her hair?

i’m cool but i feel the anger
it burns and festers deep in my soul
i don’t know what to do with it
if i let it out i’ll be seen as something different

i try to stay calm
but i’m fixing to crash out
i don’t know how much more i can take
before i make this a room to rage in

i’m full and collected
i’m full with an ache and deep sadness
i can not handle or describe
i collect all the pain and agony
push it deep inside

so mature for my age
but i just want to kick and scream
have a full grown tantrum
to put myself at ease

i have myself together
but i dont know who i am
i haven’t known for a long time
that girl from 2017
i don’t even recognize

at least ive had a few glow ups
but those still aren’t enough
to satisfy any of the boys i wish i could love

“cool, calm, and collected”
fully self aware
mature for my age
fully put together
a glow up here and there

but how self aware is a girl ripping out her hair?

“please! just tell me what’s wrong! why are you always so angry and distant all the time?!  i’m trying to help you why won’t you let me??!”

“you just wouldn’t understand, this is something i have to deal with on my own”

and then he felt it
the feeling of her trying to break down the conjured barrier around his thoughts
the feeling of her trying to see him the way she can see everyone else

“STOP IT”
he yelled slamming her into the wall without even touching her skin
“STOP TRYING TO GET IN MY HEAD”
the girl that was never afraid now looked completely terrified
he loosens his mental grip he had on her body , looking into her violet eyes and pulls her close
“i’m sorry love”
he whispers
“it’s just too dark in here”

two years ago
we were at church camp
i told myself i forgive you
i told God that i forgive you

i thought that if i forgave you
the nightmares would stop
the triggers would cease
and that maybe a could see you as a person
and not the person who took everything from me

but that’s not what happened
it all got worse
the nightmares became real
i wake up screaming
begging for you to stop

i don’t forgive you
i never will
i hate you
with all of my being

they know what you did to me
and the know what it did to me
yet they allow you to bother me
they allow you to be in the same room
they allow you to be in society

if wishes were bullets
you’d be dead to me