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ac Jul 14
it’s been a whole year
how can this be?
it feels like yesterday when she was telling me about the date you took her on

you were taken to soon
but you accomplished so much so young
you are still giving us words of wisdom
without speaking words at all

you paint the sky beautiful on all of your special days
the happy ones and the one where you were taken away

people still cry for you
but they are slowly turning to tears of happiness
happiness for the memories
and the impact you made
and knowing that we will see you again

but until then we’ll talk about the memories
all the goofy things you do and say

it’s been a whole year
how can this be?
i swear i can feel you right next to me
ac Aug 12
My ex is texting my best friend
kinda insane how he has a girlfriend
and I'm kinda why they got together
He always complained about bad loyalty kinda weird how thats what he's doing
he's finding a new way to drive me insane because why don't i get an apology?
when I'm the one he left in pain
im gonna need more therapy
even tho its not working
just turn my problems into dollars
make a profit off someone's daughter
He left the school
the girlfriend left our church
how am i the one that did damage?
cuz I wouldn't say I'm broken
but I definitely have some bruises
he left them
my ex is texting my best friend
yet he has me on read
oops i name dropped in the tags, silly me 🤭😋
31 · Jul 14
comfort
ac Jul 14
they say i’m not over you
but they don’t know the truth
i’m over you
i’ve been over you

but what you did to me
it haunts me
and it will forever be a chapter in my story

no one knows what you did
the full extent of it
for that is only for us to know
for me to suffer with

it’s funny you thought
that i’d keep “our little secret”
why do you think i’m in therapy?

i see fear in your eyes
from the idea that other people know something about you
that could ruin you
that you’re scared of what me,
your victim could do

it’s not fair
why do you get to be scared?
i had to be brave
even after that terrible thing

you’re pathetic
you’re a coward
trying to embarrass me
when you embarrassed yourself

i’ll always hang it over your head
because you know what i can do with it
kinda sad how that’s the only comfort i get
ac Jul 25
i deleted him
finally
after a whole year of agony
i deleted our texts
i deleted our pictures
i deleted his contact

i wish i could delete the memory of him
i wish i could delete the moments with him
i wish i could forget how safe i felt with him
i haven’t felt safe in a long time

when i swiped left
to delete our texts
something broke inside of me
and he was the one person i wanted to see in that moment

going through our pictures
hurt something different

and deleting his contact
i think i might’ve screamed
cuz it hit me
he’s really not coming back

apparently he misses me
i wish he would’ve told me before it was too late
but i’m proud of him for keeping no contact
i know it was hard for him too

i’m not angry at him anymore
just hurt
life is magically terrible
love is wonderfully painful

he’s not coming back
but i think im finally ok with that
ac 4d
my best friend is texting my ex
they’re gonna try to be “just friends”
can she not see how f-ed up this is to me?
how blind can she be?
my best friend forever?
forever's a stretch
cuz i kinda resent her
cuz she’s hurting me like no one else could
and i’m trying to forgive and forget
like i should
but she's so optimistic and so opportunist
a snake in the grass,
tell me,
how does she do it?
and now i'm confused,
thought friends have your back
she's always making passive-aggressive attacks
tell me, what are friends for?
when they’re the reason you’re crying on the bathroom floor?
“just friends” you say
but that’s nothing new
i used to be “just friends” with him too
how could she?
25 · Aug 2
what a waste
ac Aug 2
are they staring at me?
laughing at me?
my head hurts
“always in that dang room”
i don’t like me anymore
“get off your phone”
i didn’t eat lunch today
“you’re so skinny”
not enough
“gorgeous girl!”
am i tho?
24 · Aug 11
depresion
ac Aug 11
You slept for twelve whole hours,
took a shower
And laid back in bed,
how are you tired again?
You skipped another breakfast,
you thought it'd help with
That feeling you get when you get on the internet

Therapy's turned all your problems to dollars
They're making a profit off somebody's daughter
Your father,
he never believed in that stuff anyways
He says you're okay

But slowly all the colors turn to gray
The devil's come to play
And you're doing your best just to fight it
Nobody's listening so you just hide it
Slowly who you are just fades away
There's a ghost left in your place
You're so sad,
but you ain't even crying
You're still alive but you feel Iike you're dying

Oh,
and your friends keep calling,
your melancholy
Gives you a good excuse to spend the evening in your room

Oh,
when you finally work up the nerve to tell them
They tell you that you’re only seeking attention
The thing with depression is you can't control it
You try to ignore it,
but before you know it

Slowly all the colors turn to gray
The devil's come to play
And you're doing your best just to fight it
Nobody's listening so you just hide it
Slowly who you are just fades away
There's a ghost left in your place
You're so sad,
but you ain't even crying
You're still alive but you feel Iike you're dying
ALL CREDIT TO AVERY ANNA
go listen to her latest album Let Go Letters
ac Aug 9
i’ve been telling myself that ive been good for months
i think just pushed it all down
six feet in the ground
and it’s digging itself up right now
i keep staring into the abyss
wondering what im even doing with my life
i sleep to much or not at all
school started monday and im already behind
i wake up, do my make up, and im already exhausted
i say hi to the girlfriend of the guy that im in love with
the same guy i get “reminders” of
i’m torn because he’s not C
but C is everything to me
perfectly
but right now i kinda want to be lonely
what is happening?
read my poem “reminders” and you’ll get the reference
idk what’s happening rn bro
but smth ain’t right
14 · Jul 25
reminders
ac Jul 25
all my friends are falling in love
and guys are falling for them
they’re all asking when i will
even my guys friends ask questions

they ask how im still single
cuz “respectfully you’re pretty
if i didn’t see you as a sister,
i’d totally fall for you”

it’s a weird thing to say
but i think it’s sweet
it’s reassuring
knowing that maybe there’s nothing actually wrong with me

maybe God is making me wait
i mean i’m horrible at patience
but then i remember
that little thing He whispered to me

He has that perfect guy planned for me
and tho he has a girlfriend now
he’s gonna realize it’s meant to be me

i know i sound crazy
but i kinda like crazy
0 · Aug 8
loving hate
ac Aug 8
my therapist said to love the things that are wrong with me
but why should i love starving myself
or having so much rage
cuz one day i will crash out
loving all these horrible things?
it reminds me of loving M
i want to name drop him
expose him
but that’s dangerous
but i have to love the way that i hate that i loved you
and love the things about me you hated
that i grew to hate too
but now i have C
and he’s teaching me that i have every right to hate you
so with that i say
“I HATE YOU!”
much better
C is treating me so much differently than M and it’s so clear that M treated me horribly.
Hate may be a strong word but i’m stronger
0 · Jul 28
idek
ac Jul 28
“cool, calm, and collected”
that’s how i get described
im so self aware
but how self aware is a girl who’s ripping out her hair?

i’m cool but i feel the anger
it burns and festers deep in my soul
i don’t know what to do with it
if i let it out i’ll be seen as something different

i try to stay calm
but i’m fixing to crash out
i don’t know how much more i can take
before i make this a room to rage in

i’m full and collected
i’m full with an ache and deep sadness
i can not handle or describe
i collect all the pain and agony
push it deep inside

so mature for my age
but i just want to kick and scream
have a full grown tantrum
to put myself at ease

i have myself together
but i dont know who i am
i haven’t known for a long time
that girl from 2017
i don’t even recognize

at least ive had a few glow ups
but those still aren’t enough
to satisfy any of the boys i wish i could love

“cool, calm, and collected”
fully self aware
mature for my age
fully put together
a glow up here and there

but how self aware is a girl ripping out her hair?
ac Aug 10
two years ago
we were at church camp
i told myself i forgive you
i told God that i forgive you

i thought that if i forgave you
the nightmares would stop
the triggers would cease
and that maybe a could see you as a person
and not the person who took everything from me

but that’s not what happened
it all got worse
the nightmares became real
i wake up screaming
begging for you to stop

i don’t forgive you
i never will
i hate you
with all of my being

they know what you did to me
and the know what it did to me
yet they allow you to bother me
they allow you to be in the same room
they allow you to be in society

if wishes were bullets
you’d be dead to me
0 · Aug 13
GRAVE
ac Aug 13
I trusted you
I trusted you

Still see the brand of your jeans
Your hands were cold as ice
And it still keeps me up at night

I wish I had the words to say
But I'm still working through the pain
It's killing me day after day
But I won't take it to my grave

I'm telling you
I'll tell 'em all, I'll tell the truth
Oh, just the thought of you
Controlling all I do
If I bury anything, I'll bury you

I wish I had the words to say
But I'm still working through the pain
It's killing me day after day
But I won't take it to my grave

Did you, did you
Think I'd keep our little secret?
I don't have any good reason
To not come clean from your demons
I'm damaged, I'm bleeding
Did you think I would stay quiet?
That I'd forgive and not fight it?
But the resentment is hiding
And you can't scare me to silence

I wish I had the words to say
But I'm still working through the pain
It's killing me day after day
But I won't take it to my grave

Still see the brand of your jeans
Your hands were cold as ice
And it still keeps me up at night
all credit to Avery Anna
thank you for writing a song that put my trauma into words and telling the story so that i don’t have too
ac Aug 20
i bet you’re on the pills again
cuz you’re still missing me
and your girlfriend she ended it
so how are you supposed to sleep

yeah i bet you’re on the pills again
your pain cuts so deep
tequila can’t fill the cuts
they’re everywhere you leave

i hope your daddy’s done hating you
i don’t know cuz he knows and won’t save you
explains how f-ed up you came to be
explains the ways you treated me

you’ve been sick and i fell for it
i’ve loved the sick since i could breath
thinking maybe i could save you
how hilarious of me
and i’m sick for kind of loving it
the way that you needed me
cuz the sick can be contagious
and you were contagious to me
i bet you’re on the pills again
song i’m writing

— The End —