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ghost queen Apr 2019
i tried to prove my worth to you, show you i was a good choice, a good mate
i took care of you when you were sick, when you had a bad case of the flu
i pulled my weight, cleaning the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping
i provided, making sure you never wanted for essentials, little luxuries
i protected, getting into a fight, when a guy harassed you
i did all these things to show you i cared and loved you, but it wasn’t enough
it’s been a year, i still find myself, missing, hating, loving you
my heart was broken, it’s slowly mending, still painful to certain memories
i am angry, you let me live in hope, in bliss, you knew you were leaving, that you were going to break my heart, destroy my world, my life, my soul
of all the women that i have loved, met, you are the one i wish i hadn’t
your actions shouted louder than words ever could, but i was deaf
you made other plans, building a new life, in another land, rekindling an old flame
like the phoenix, you destroyed everything in our lives, so you could rise, to love another
i am still in shock, still grieving, slowly recovering
you are no longer mine to nurture, love, take care of
like a passing training, no longer visible, i can still hear it’s whistle
my love has faded, but you left a mark, on my heart, that will never disappear
#97 2019.05.15
ghost queen Jul 2020
last soldier of a forgotten war
exiled from returning home
fading into the ether
cultural jetsam of national guilt
ghost queen Jan 15
like winter leaves
blown around
i grow cold
inside and out
i have no more tears
for her or myself
i’ve relinquished all hope
accepted my fate
of growing old
and dying alone
ghost queen Oct 2018
i know
i need
to let go

I am not ready
to release you

I endure
the pain
suffer
the anguish

i am
a *******
wishing
forgiveness

i want
to be free
of my
anguish

i should
let go
or be
dragged
ghost queen Jun 2020
life interrupted, rolling the dice, every time i leave the house, hoping not to get snake eyes.

always and forever, a 2nd wave is coming, the future is darkening, i am losing my will to fight.

dreams get more frightening, the horror intensifying, what are the screams about, i can't make them out, mommy make them stop.

i exhume the past, replaying the dead like marionettes, were did it go wrong, it was my fault, you would still be alive.

trapped in nightmare, life is a labyrinth, my mind is redlining, i need the ******, to have some salvation.
ghost queen Oct 2018
Fear terror
Tears sobs  
Despair surrender

Screeching to life
Circling  around
Killing its prey
Lying defenseless

Spitting fire
Jaw of tungsten
Gnashing teeth
Shaping death
LINAC LINAC
Sear my flesh

Life is a sacrifice
Pay the price
Tribute is due
Die later

Plea to the priest
Spare me, please
No redemption
Appeasement only  

Vitality taken
Virility destroyed
Broken man
Lost boy

Sins Unforgiven
Absolution denied
Life sentence
95 percent certain
ghost queen Nov 2019
You ask why I am anxious, why i am depressed, let me list for you the reasons why:

Global warming
Melting glaciers
Heatwaves
Polar vertices
Category 6 hurricanes
F5 Tornadoes
Droughts
Desertification
Floods
Wild fires
Snowless winters
Ice free arctic
Antarctic ice shelf collapse
Greenland glacier melting
Perma forst thawing

Ocean warming
Ocean acidification
Coral bleaching
Sea level rising
Coastal erosion
Over fishing
Fisheries collapse
Plankton extinction
Fertilizer run offs
Chemical pollution
Raw sewage dumping
Red algae blooms
Vibrio explosions

Ozone layer depletion
Lack of fresh potable water
Acid rain
Top soil depletion
Dead soil
Deforestation
Banana palm tree cultivation
Evasive species
Overpopulation
Urban sprawl
Insect apocalypse
Animal extinction
Lower biodiversity
Bird apocalypse
Bee apocalypse
Bat apocalypse
Amphibian apocalypse

Aging nuclear power plants
Superfund sites
Radioactive contamination
Three mile island, Chernobyl, Fukushima
Endocrine disrupters
PBAs
Autism
***** count collapse
Effeminization of men

Noise pollution
Light pollution
Chronic stress
Diabetes
Metabolic diseases
Over eating
Obesity

Drug resistances
New and emerging diseases
Epidemics pandemics
Swine and bird flu
Genetic modification
Biotech tech
nano tech
Crispr
DNA
genetic testing
Designer babies
Aging population
Health care rising
Unaffordable medications
Uninsured
Medicare of all
Medical bankruptcy
Social security bankruptcy

Rise of terrorism
Rise of extremism
Far right
Alt right
Lack of education
Masculine identity crisis
Emasculation of men
Decline of boys
Rise of girls

Increasing depression and anxiety
Increase anxiety depression among young girls
Lack of human connection
Social isolation
Social awkwardness
Snowflake generation
Disintegration of the family
Suicides
Social media addiction
**** addiction
Drug addiction
Alcohol addiction

Lack of equality
Political corruption
Kleptocracy
Corporatocracy
Plutocracy
Oligarchy
New American aristocracy
Too big to fail
Privatize profits, socialize losses
Decline of democracy
Fascism
Terrorism
Religious extremism
Religious tension
Political divisiveness
National unity
Second American civil war
Helplessness of the common man

Big data
Data protection
Algorithms
Internet tracking
Lost of privacy
Artificial intelligence
Singularity
AI white collar job lost
AI automation
AI back office
Autonomous AI
5G supremacy
Quantum computer supremacy
Virtual reality
Augmented reality
Cybernetics
Chronophobia
Outsourcing
Off shoring
On shoring

Over education
Under employment
Skills gap
3rd world immigration
La reconquista
Cultural dilution
Status quo
Declining economies
Housing crisis
Housing cost
Homelessness
Illiteracy
Hunger
Unemployment
Full employment
Racism
Intolerance
Race relationships
Increasing crime
Student loans
Credit card debt
High mortgages
7 year car loans
Inverse yield curve
52 week high

Wars
Military interventions
Social uprisings
Dwindling resources
Resources conflicts
Rare earth metals
Depletion of helium
Peak oil
Fracking
Water wars
Climate refugees
A list of worries people face today that is causing anxiety and depression
ghost queen Oct 2021
I write about love & life
while others live & love
ghost queen May 13
there are days i dread writing, to get into my characters’ heads, and live their lives full of  passion and violence

it gets to me, changes my mood, i feel it, intensely, as if it were happening to me, and i can’t escape without trauma, collateral damage for the day

so i procrastinate, avoid and ignore it, distracting myself in the mundane and minutia
ghost queen May 2019
please open the door
who do i cry for
the golden door is close
do you not want the joy, the ecstasy
the rose bush is blooming, fully flowering
let me in, just unlock the door
my quiver is full, my bow taunt, where is your heart
https://www.wsj.com/articles/a-victorian-era-artists-studio-lists-in-chelsea-11557417641
ghost queen Nov 2023
how lonely do you have to be
for the pain to be greater than the fear
of the perceived anxieties and inadequacies
while slowly starving from a lack of connection
as you medicate and fail to keep the void away
ghost queen Oct 2018
At the end of the universe
In middle of a crowd
Deep underground
Sitting at playground

Plainly seen
Casually Ignored
Blinded sight
Silent scream

Life lives
Time stops
Winter is here
Time to cry

Cards are dealt
Play the hand
Do we really live
The lives we want

Salvation seeked
Grace denied
Self medication
Wishing to die
ghost queen Oct 2021
lonely girl
eating alone
in a corner
never looking up
from her book
wearing jeans
flip flops
and a sweater

you fascinate me
sitting there
oblivious
to your surroundings
a tourist
in my world

to approach
and talk
are you
a character
in my diary
or something more

i missed the moment
will never know
you paid the waiter
closed your book
met my eyes
smiled
turned
and disappeared
Nov 2, 2018 Friday Night  Bocce Italian Kitchen in Bishop Arts
ghost queen Mar 2021
i can't explain it
but there is a loneliness
a certain type of sadness
to spring
ghost queen Nov 2021
I see the answer
in your eyes

feel it
in your kiss

the hunger
of your heart

the aching
of your soul

the longing
to be loved
ghost queen Jan 21
i loved you
you were my creation
come to life
off my pages
i was dumbfounded
when we met
you were her
in every way
the coincidences and serendipity
scared me
i studied you
as we dated
fascinated
what ecstasy
to hold and kiss
my protagonist
the four months
that we dated
were euphoric
then it ended
abruptly
still infatuated
i hurt so bad
i cried so much
the excruciating pain
tearing up my heart
of Pygmalion losing Galatea
of me losing Laura
broke up with Laura V. December 20, 2023
it’s been a month as of today
ghost queen Apr 2020
the lost dreams, the last dream, of unmet expectations, unfulfilled needs, when i withdraw into my head, hide from the world, shutting downing  emotionally, sexually, when the anhedonia becomes dysthymia, everything turns gray, all becomes bland, and i am left jaded, cynical, and blasé
ghost queen Jun 2021
i miss my home
family
all lost to time
nothing left
except memories
viarmes, france
ghost queen Sep 2020
love and ***
not during the pandemic
sad and lonely
wishing for company
a touch a kiss
some form of connection
ghost queen Jun 2021
don’t
I won’t
a thousand doors
shut

old gods
newborns
cry

we buy time
with love
and blood
ghost queen Jan 2022
i thought
I won’t feel it
but i did
getting dumped
hurts
was it worth it
letting you in
loving you
is it true
what they say
it is better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all
and
time heals all wounds
ghost queen Oct 2018
I loved you
I hate you
I cherished you
I despise you

I believed you
I doubt you
I trusted you
I fear you

We laughed
I cry
We whispered
I shout

We bonded
I grieve
We lived the lie
I haunt the ruins
ghost queen Feb 2019
this obsession that consumes and burns within me
is it love, true, unconditional, the kind in fairytales
or limerence, intoxicating, ephemeral, lasting only 900 days
the moment i pledge my highest love, i face my greatest fear

when i fall to sleep at night, you are my last thought
the first when i wake, then all day long
kiss me, sweetly, softly, eternally, promise never to stop

wrap me in your arms, hold me tight, like a scared child
show me your love, prove it to me over and over again
kiss me, on the lips, tenderly, so i can feel your pulse

whisper, in my ear, tell me the lies i want to hear
share with me, the secrets, deep in your soul
faint echoes fading in a wishing well

kiss my lips, my cheeks, ******* tears
undress my dear, bare your skin, your soul, let me see you whole
let me taste your tears, i promise never to leave

run your fingers through my hair, feel its softness, smell it’s sweetness
do you remember, when we first slept together
scared children, orphaned, hugging each other tight, all night

i need to feel you against me, your breath on my neck
your scent, enveloping, penetrating deep within me
hug me, cradle me, rock me gently into security
#353 2019.04.02
ghost queen Aug 2021
your breath
is tender
a caress
surrounding
enveloping me

i ache
when you are gone
wistful
longing for another
ghost queen Aug 2019
the secrets that are shared, texted late into the night, two adults, like teenagers, expressing fears of aging bodies, craving intimacy, emotional connection, in a life where there is none. forbidden by convention, drawn by desire, love has no age, no restrictions.

how can we be so close, intimate, but never touching, other than as students, practicing steps at a studio. when we touch, fingers linger, holds extend, bodies innocuously pressed together. there is a tension, never verbalized, an intention, signaled subtly, waiting for a reaction, courage, ebbing flowing, hands daring, waiting for a reprimand, that never comes. when words fail, my touch says everything, your body tells me so.

where is the point of no return when friends become lovers, when we share more than feelings, when touch is intentional, pleasing, satisfying, expressed openly.

it is a dangerous game we play, involving others, oblivious to our foreplay, guilty bystanders to our indiscretion.

living in the moment, aware of the consequences and aftermath, is the danger worth the hurt, why i am doing this, i already know the answer. of all the women to pursue, i choose you, because i can not have you.

how will it end, will we be found out, will you tire of me, what feelings will be left, when the novelty is gone, will the love remain, friendship linger, will we ever talk again, the power of love lies with the one that loves the least.

we are lovers in all but name.
ghost queen Mar 3
where do i find love
if not in your arms
where i feel safest
and have no fears
i hear your breathing
feel your heart beating
i relish the feel of your body
entwined under covers next to me
there is no world beyond
just what’s in front
your big beautiful eyes
looking back at me
ghost queen Mar 2021
tell me that you love me
so i no longer have to worry
ghost queen Dec 2018
as soon you as you walked through the door
i could see you were not feeling well
you rushed into my arms
buried your head in my chest
and started to cry

i wrapped my arms around you
hugged you tight
pressed you near

your cries turned to sobs
i kissed your temple, your hair
“what’s wrong,” i asked
“i not feeling well, i’m coming down with the flu,” you replied
“i’ll take care of you Minou,” i whispered softly in your ear

i took your hand
lead you to the couch
laid you down

i removed your shoes
covered you
gently stroked your hair

“i’ll make you some peppermint tea with honey,” i said
i turned on the tv
flipped to your favorite netflix show
started the tea

the water boiled
i steeped the bag
brought you the cup
laid it on the table

you were falling asleep
i snuggled up along side of you
warm and cozy under the covers

you cuddled up
a leg across my hip
your head on my chest
you hair tickled my nose
i patted it down
slightly away

i petted
caressed your hair
savoring your scent
your smell

i held you in my arms
sensing your breath
feeling your heartbeat
slowly, you drifted asleep
muscles relaxing
inhaling, exhaling deeply, gently

i held you dear
protecting, providing, nurturing, nursing you

you are my partner
my lover
my wife
but tonight you are my child

you mumbled in your sleep
wiped your nose on my shirt
drooled a tad

you were congested
your breath wheezed
you snored a bit
i loved you more

i never felt like a man
this intensely
caring, tending, loving his wife, his Minou
#89-2019.03.08
ghost queen Jan 2022
feel it
deep in your bones
don’t turn
or run away
accept
surrender
savor it
the pain
despair
of melancholy
ghost queen Jun 2021
a midnight kiss
from a boy
to a girl
tender sighs
under a starry sky
ζωή  = Zoë = Life
ghost queen Jul 2021
how many times
must i run away

blaming others
for my pain

i see the truth
every morning
reflected
in the mirror

it’s not them
but me
ghost queen Nov 2021
i feel it
when you’re away

an absences
a yearning
deep in my soul
ghost queen May 2019
mon amour                my love
ne me laisse pas        don't leave me
ne me lache pas        don't let go
minou minette âme sœur
ghost queen Aug 2020
complex
emotional
moody
capricious
volatile
hard to please
no, not you
me
ghost queen Oct 2018
enigmatic, exotic
alone, deep in the jungle
fierce, afraid
passion, love in her eyes

to hold her, is to lose her
to have her, is to **** her
ephemeral, a ghost
a dream, a fantasy
never to be had
Written to accompany photos of a flower https://flic.kr/s/aHsmiTGp93
ghost queen May 2019
I was thinking about you this morning, imagining how it would feel to your have your body pressed against mine, your sweet lips kissing mine, my hands caressing your naked back...
First morning poem texted to new girlfriend, Jamie.
She replied, "Wow, good morning to you too, very dreamy."
ghost queen Jun 2021
what do you think about
laying in bed
under the covers
in the dark
lonely and scared
craving comfort

do your thoughts run wild
spin out of control
sink deeper
into the abyss

do you cry
overcome with shame
living in desolation
a child
alone
parent less

how do you fill the void
the emptiness
bitter cold
endless hurt

needing a respite
break
fix
of anything

wishing
praying
to be held
in Morpheus’
embrace
ghost queen May 2023
close your eyes
to die
my child
forget it all
let go
let it disappear
remember the pleasure
forget the pain  
surrender
fall asleep
have no fear
awaken never more
rest
forever in peace
mama’s here
ghost queen Nov 2021
who is she
whispering in my ear
reciting tales
and stories  

seducing
then ****** me
with reality
and fantasies
ghost queen Oct 2018
My Muse is here, softly whispering in my ear.  
Forgive me, if these are words you do not wish to hear.
I looked into her eyes, and saw passion of ancient lives.  
Now I understand, why men died to look into her eyes.
Enchanting is her smile, disarming in the night, I felt naked in her sight.  
Her magic is strong, I can only but succumb.
My dying wish, to touch her lips, and surrender to her kiss.
My Muse is gone, my candle flickers.
Sleep calls, bells toll, from the Vicker’s
ghost queen Jun 2021
nasty
bitter
women
shun by all
for reasons
of your own making
rude
mean
spiteful
hurting
all around
you
ghost queen Nov 2020
she only came when a full moon rose over the bleak and desolate highlands of northern scotland.

i’d see her walking down the moonlit mountain towards my cabin. slowly walking, approaching, through the thickening haze.

i’d open the door, she’d walk through, and sit at my small wooden table.

she was always ****, never wore clothes. her skin, milky white, perfect and flawless. her red hair windswept, tossed, strands in her eyes and lips. her piercing green eyes staring straight into space.

i’d wrap her up in furs. go to the kettle in the fireplace, ladle up a bowl of stew and place it in front of her with a thick slice of warm bread. i’d leave her be, to eat in silence, to eat in peace.

i’d go, sit in my rocking chair by the fireplace, lighting, smoking my pipe, and drinking mead.

after she’d finish, i’d place a sheepskin on the floor. she’d come sit at my feet, place her head on my lap. i’d caress, comb out the leaves and sprigs from her hair.

she’d crawl into my lap, laying her head on my shoulder, as i wrapped my arms around her, rocking her gentle, humming soft.

never a word was spoken, she just wanted to be held, to remember what it was like to be a loved child.  

she’d stare into the dancing, crackling fire till just before dawn, then stand up and slowly walk out the door into the mist and disappear into the early morning fog.

i knew she'd be back, next full moon, as even a fay, needs touch and affection.
For Genevieve, my mother, an abandoned war orphan, who I held in my arms as she died. She gave me birth into this world. I held and loved her as she crossed over, reassured her, she was not and would never be alone.

I miss you Mom

Born November 1st, 1938
Died June 1, 1998
ghost queen Oct 2020
a midnight sun sets
harvesting the season’s last bounty
preparing for winter customs
when winter casts her spell
blanketing land in snow fall
a noon moon rises
ghost queen Jan 2023
i find shelter
in your arms

forget the past
the pain and sorrow

your embrace
reassuring

enveloping me
in love and safety

your kisses
soothing

comforting
melting the world away

your touch
tells me so much

it heals my heart
anchors my soul

reminds me
i am not alone
ghost queen Mar 2023
at the bottom of brandy bottle
my inkwell dry
quill worn
parchment filled
i’ve run out of words
thought
ideas
there’s nothing left to say
i have to go deeper
darker
afraid of what i’ll see
frighten of the communion
weary of the price
i’ll have to pay
ghost queen Apr 2021
I am not afraid
of dying

I am afraid
of not living
ghost queen Dec 2022
I miss
the relationship
partying
drinking
*******
I just don’t miss
you
ghost queen Apr 2021
comforting
is your
kiss

soothing
is your
touch

nurturing
is your
love
ghost queen Aug 2023
from menarche to menopause
far gone are the days of youth
as ****** attractiveness flickers
like a candle’s wick extinguishes
lacking missing craving
the male gaze’s validation
wishing for some attention
men don’t see you
a ghost among the nubile
a hallucination from yesterday
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