I am starting to recognize myself again
You know, the me that you tried to suffocate
The real me
The woman that laughs out loud at ***** jokes
The woman that didn't want to bite her tongue in front of your judgemental family

I am starting to look in the mirror and like myself again
You know, the me that you always insinuated needed to lose weight
The woman who likes to cook things because they taste good, not simply because "Angela, the body needs only nutrients"
The woman that didn't  want to disintegrate into broken pieces for you

I am starting to remember what my voice sounds like standing up for myself
I am beginning to recall what the tv shows and movies I love sound like
I am finally starting to love myself again

Do you hear me
Can you see me
I’m not happy
I’m not free
This love you give is grand
But what comes with is far too harsh
I feel crushed beneath my own body weight
Laying squished while reaching out
You pet my hair and say you love me
All this is worth it apparently
But how am I to love back if I am dead

At first it was: skinny, twig, chicken legs.
It didn't bother me too much.
I was those things.

Then it was "Toby" in reference to Roots.
It had nothing to do with the color of my skin.
It was to tell me people saw me lesser.
I was less of a human being to them.
It stuck.

After that some people would tell me, " Oh, your looking a little big there."
My depression worsened and my self worth plummeted.
I stayed inside all the time.
Wore baggy clothes on purpose.

And now, I hear "Wow you're looking really good."
Took several years to get to a point where everything leveled.
Now my health is better.
My depression is better.
My self worth is better.

Life is a journey filled with ups and downs.
I never knew if I would be able to get back up again.
Thankfully I'm stronger than I look.

head aching
thinking about being skinny
being happy with my body
knowing i look good
and feeling fit
ugh
i wish i was thinner

"You need to be thin"
"You have to dress pretty"
"You are naturally tall"
are all you need
then give me a call"
For
your acceptance into the hall
I watched what I ate
I worked out more
and became the facade
to please them all.
So
Click away Mr
take pictures of this skinny
model facade I put on
Prepare
the runway Mr
so I can flaunt andwalk
pretty,thin and tall
just don't ask me
did you eat today
because I'll say
sure I did
I ate plenty of
undernourishment
with a side of regret
sprinkling of diet pills
for dinner I will eat
instagram photos of food
post a few photos of my
pretty,tall,thin self
and suddenly I won't
be hungry anymore.
So click away Mr
Yes I ate and will eat
today
and still maintain this
facade for them all

I want to feel beautiful.
To feel confident
To feel loved
To feel beautiful.

Who stole my beautiful?
Where did it go?
It was just here...

But then someone pointed out how fat I am.
They noticed my acne
and my mom jeans.
They asked if I had ever had a boyfriend,
And laughed when I shook my head no.
They told me I was the reason there were waves in the pool
And told me my swimsuit was ugly.
They said my hair was greasy
And I kind of smelled.
They asked why I had to shop at Catherine's
And why not Aeropostale.

They stole my beautiful.
And they weren't even sorry.

They STOLE it.
Stealing is a crime,
But not when it comes to ****** 8 year olds
Who think it's okay to hurt others.
Not when it comes to shady friends who say they can bring these things up,
"Because we're friends."
Not when it comes to judgmental family memebers
Who don't know what it's like to wear size 16 jeans.
(Actually, 18...)
(I'm embarrassed.)

Nobody stops these people from stealing.
From stealing the beautiful from
A 10 year old who already knows the worst,
But she's choosing to be confident anyway.
A 13 year old who's unloved by others,
But she's still trying so ******* hard to love herself.
A 16 year old weighing 250 pounds,
But she's exercising through the depression.
A 17 year old bent over the toilet,
Trying to lose the weight you told her was ugly,
And trying to find the beautiful you should have told her about instead.

But they stole my beautiful.
The beautiful that got me through every day.
The beautiful that reminded me size doesn't matter.
The beautiful that belongs to me.
The beautiful you took.
Like there was some kind of limited supply or something.
Like mine deserved to be stolen.
Yeah, you took that kind of beautiful.

And you left an even greater treasure behind.

I walk by
"Here comes tiny"
My ears burn
"Wish I could wear those pants"
I hear the murmurs
"You're so skinny"
I hear the whispers
"Just skin and bones"
I should feel good, right?
"You should eat a burger"
I earned this long ago
"You're too bony"
I put the work in
"How about a bulk?"
But the reflection revolting
"I need to eat less"
Still a decade later
"I still need to lose more"
Why can't I just love my body
"I am such a disgust."