Toby 6d

As soon as I walked in,
The mood changed.
It was because of me.
I tried to bring it back.
Nothing I did work.
You said, "You're emotionally unavailable."
Then the sadness crept back in.
I tried to take my mind off it.
While you sat and did your own thing.
Found you on the floor saying, "whatever" to all my suggestions.
Then you up and left.
Probably wouldn't have said a word if I hadn't asked.
I'm constantly asking myself: should two people with mental illnesses be together?
I guess the answer is whatever.

  6d Toby
Zan Balmore

5 0 0 pieces or more
spill over six accounts
5 0 0 holes for fingers
opened over my skin
so  when  will i learn
to use my feet to seek?
so  when  will i learn
the blood  i  squeeze
will in time run dry?
the gills  that i cut
will swallow the knife?
no time better than now
no time like the present
  to remember to breathe
remember to walk toward
  not away
a comet on legs leaving
trails of  meteorites
no  time  better than now
the ropes of the past lace
through the toes to the wrists
how long has it taken?
how lucky am i that i
filled the flesh canvas
with angry scars and
still  have the  knife?
5 0 0 pieces or more
spill over six accounts
5 0 0 holes for fingers
opened over my skin
the detective is done
with the cold  case  blues
the detective is done
penning I 2 U s
there are enough mountains today
tomorrow and on for the detective
to be insane as long as they want
the detective is done
  with  the  cold  case  blues
   so case closed

So many pieces over so many accounts. I've hit so many angles, conjured so many demons, found so much harmony in the echoes of an old, rightfully retired dissonance. I'm at another point in life where I'm ready to initiate a paradigm shift and say a so long. This is the last personal narrative I plan on writing for as long as I can help it. I'm really looking forward to putting all that crap in containment and concentrating on creative projects. If you've liked what you've read so far, keep an eye out for a collaborative project with Toby (of HP) sometime in the future.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for writing.
- Zan
  Nov 13 Toby
Zan Balmore

Thought I was high
Then, I felt a memory
Thought I was high
Thought I was safe
Then, I felt some emotion

What if I sold my soul for the green of grass?
What if I smoke my ambition in a bowl?
What if I bake the little dough I make?
What if I'm red-eye all day?

Then, I'm a peasant.

What if I send my nightmares away, ablaze?
What if I exchange the pain in my body for body rolls?
What if I buy a ticket to ride, unafraid of eyes?
What if I'm dead all day already?

Then, I'm lifted.

Toby Nov 12

No contact, don't even try.
Pass each other in the parking.
I don't look up to see ice.
Not even a, "hello" or "goodbye".
Lose your cat, then we're best friends.
Locked out of your apartment.
Suddenly you've called 3 times.
Only when you need or want something.
Then you try and be my friend.
We tell you we are trying to lose weight.
Then you tell me how you saw me in the parking lot looking a little fat.
Want me to eat better because my acne is bad.
You can't stand to look.
We hang out, you only talk about yourself.
How much better you are then me.
Always one uping.
It's okay you can try.
We're all different.
Except you have always seemed somewhat fake.
So enjoy your life.
I'll be fine on the outside.

  Nov 11 Toby
Zan Balmore

I was a trap the last time they looked.
They saw me now, they saw me, saw I as I is now
I wasn't a trap last time I looked.
I saw me then, I saw me, saw I as I ever
Last I checked, I wouldn't get
after your sacred sex -- it's cute that you're afraid.
Last I checked, I wouldn't get
after your bible sex -- not even were I paid!

Though, that was then, and now is here.
Those aspirations, declare them dead.
Those old roads ended, I left for highways.
Those highways laid pink and blue lines.
Those definitions left me seeing red.

Last I checked, I wouldn't get
after your bible sex -- not even were I paid!

But, if you offered it, that would be a different story.

:)
  Nov 11 Toby
Zan Balmore

In bed
On the couch across the room
Futon
Folded over me
Folding my dreams
Into napkins,
shaped and dyed
Outside
4 AM bathing in rain
Inside
You sleep easily
You dream sweetly
Into madness,
I stay awake
Through night,
Petrified

Misunderstood
the saccharine
Too passionate
Far too naive
Misunderstood
the promises
Blood for caffeine
Dreamless
(Sweet dreams)

  Nov 9 Toby
Zan Balmore

...
Saw you on the balcony
Saw you on the asphalt
Going to your car? So,
"Hello" is what I get,
and all of it.

Saw you at the office, I
Saw you at the pharmacy
First day, your new job. So,
I won't take your time away
Thank you for the pills

Fight and fight the feeling
but there's no fight to fight.
My routine is writ in river rock,
you're looking beautiful, free,
even if your phone is in your head,
and you've routine like me.

Romance and its fickle game
stitched me up young
After years, there's no way
to escape getting better
It's better now and I'm devout
to no one but myself, but
it's been forever since
I've seen as sweet a face
when each morning delivers
bitter afternoons before
the night brings reminders
your entire day is hate.

Amber, Oceanic Blue, and Violet
In the sky, particles align

You trace the stars for me
You make me feel what I seek
Is more than drawn in dream
...

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