harsh lessons came with lesions on my skin
i spoke too little or i spoke too much
i didn't speak soon enough

harsh lessons taught to save me from sin
thinking too broad and wearing clothes too thin
crucified for a peace of mind

harsh lessons left a lasting impression
memories flashing into my vision
blinding my traumatized eyes

biting my blasphemous tongue
blood is thicker than water
i choked on chastity

Stuck in the fight for what is right only to fall everytime you try.
My Dad died, I'm shaking at night thinking about it. Why did he have to leave me when I need direction?
Every girl I've tried to get with realizes how messed up I am and leaves. Why do I seek worth in a partner?  
I'm not innocent or guitless, don't mistake this for me pretending to be a victim of this system.

Life has many milestones.
Each bringing a significant change to one's life.
Whether that be a birthday, a wedding, a child.
But it's difficult to admit the sadder milestones that we carry with us.
However these negative moments also have a significant effect on us.
This is my list of milestones I hate to admit.
But they have impacted me tramendously.
It's time I released them so I can look ahead.

Molested by a boy at age 4.
Countlessly ***** by my sister starting at age 5.
***** by my therapist at age 7.
Beat by my sister throughout childhood.
Bribed and verbally abused by my step father to condition me to keep my issues to myself.
Traumatized at 10 by my father and his ex due to a domestic abuse situation.
Almost drowned from my first public panic attack at age 16.
Harassed by a man at a concert at age 20.
Endured the hell that relationships always bring.
Attempted suicide twice at age 21.
And a man attempted to **** me at a party last week while I was intoxicated.

I know I'm not the only one with these difficult memories.
And knowing I'm not alone will always be my comfort.
But I'm letting it all out;
purging out the evil so I can be releaved.
And now my hope is to heal and become whole again in the healthiest way possible.

I can overcome these milestones.
I know I can.

Why is it that my natural instincts,
my most basic reactions, tends to
make a victim out of me?

So I'll burn the empty coke cans
And hope that they explode
I'll walk a day in your shoes
Hitting self-destruct over and o-

-ver, until it kills me

now that i think of it,
i was never
the victim.

i was a fighter.

and i fought so hard
that when i noticed
you were losing,

i decided to
give up
and
let you win.