sometimes
the pain becomes too much
and the emotions
become one
jumbled up
mess.

you become too numb to cry
you sit
and stare at a wall
and just wish
that the tears would come
so you can just let the pain out
just something
to let you know
that you’re still...
alive.

but they don’t

you continue to feel
as if
you are nothing
as if no one cares.

your anxiety gets worse
you scream
you cry
you want so desperately
to die..
but you put on a smile
because
you’re the happy one
right?

wrong
you seem happy
no one cares enough to ask
“are you okay”
you continue
over and over
to make sure
that your so called
friends
are okay
that you sacrifice your own health
your own happiness
and you begin to stop feeling at all

you want out
but you can’t get out
this is an endless cycle
that you’ll be stuck in forever
or at least until you decide to do something

you are standing in the bathroom
bottle in hand
ready to take the life
that has been taken advantage of
by others who don’t care

but you can’t bring yourself to do it
you want out so desperately
but you just
can’t
do it

you think about your mom
your dad
your baby sister
the people that would care
the people that’s worlds would stop
if you did this
you think of your dog
that would whine and whine
if their owner
didn’t come home from school

you think of these little things
you put the bottle down
you walk out the bathroom
and run for the people you love
you hug them harder than you’ve ever hugged anyone in your life
you ask for help
and you live another day..

very irritable
people ******* ****
i only have 2 friends that i can really put my faith in
i hate where i live because i feel like an outsider
if it werent for my band id be long gone from here
ive been stuck in my room for as long as i can remember
doing anything but moving forward with my life
and it feels good to get away from all the ******* around me
but because ive been hiding so long from all my friends and family
they don't know the mental adventures ive put myself through
and the person ive become because of it
and ive let others tell me who i am for so long that ive forgotten who i really am
and i know im a good person but i cant just sit here and let others take advantage of me
and everytime i lash out in a fit of rage i feel like I lose a little bit of who i am
or once was
or maybe that's just who i am
an angry and sad person
dealing with my own struggles i place upon myself
and im constantly ******* myself because i know i can be better and do things right
but i take the easy way out and ignore everything that stands in my way
because im tired of trying and getting nothing out of it
and im especially tired of trying to expect the best out of people when that never happens
so im settling on expecting the worst out of everybody
since thats what tends to happen most of the time
it makes sense
it makes sense to me at least
but when people ask me why i act the way i do i just tell them that's just how i am
because it's easier to attach myself to my problems than explain why they're there in the first place
because nobody really actually cares about the problems, they're all just curious
but when im told "hey man how are you doing" im obliged to say "fine" but really things arent ok
not im my mind
but i tell them things are ok just to make people have a sense that there aren't any problems
and if I were to actually bring up anything thats really on my mind
im just met with pseudotherapists and people with solutions who have words of encouragement and goodness
but all i hear is that im wrong
and im used to being wrong
and i try to explain myself to these curious people just to realize that i've already forgotten everything
i dont know why i'm like this
i dont know why these problems are here
im convinced that i dont even have any real problems
and that i've just tricked myself into being angry and upset constantly for no reason
and that just ****** me off even more
I dont know what's wrong with me and i feel helpless and worthless
but thank god for my 2 friends who accept me and endure the hell i think i put them through
i know im an insufferable person on the inside
but ive just gotten real good at filtering the negativity that comes out of my mouth
thinking that none of it matters
because it doesnt matter
none of my problems matter because confronting them goes nowhere but straight down to rock bottom
and i couldnt bear to invite my friends on for the ride
they mean too much to me
sometimes i think that i care about things too much and maybe thats my problem
but then i think that if i really did care about things too much
then id actually make a positive change for the things i care about
and instead i sit here and mope and complain about things out of my control
just to realize that i shouldnt care in the first place
and it all comes full circle
i shouldn't care at all in the first place
i shouldn't care about anything since nothing except for my 2 friends cares about me
im glad i have apathy and rage standing beside me at all times because when i come crashing down
at least i know what will be there to back me up
and once my body makes contact with the cold hard ground
i will have nothing left
and that in itself is a liberating feeling
to know that i have no more responsibility and nothing left to care about
there will be nothing that can turn around and completely subvert my expectations
nobody to make me feel hopeless
but im never gonna reach that point
ill never get that far because ive never gotten far in the first place
i should just stop caring entirely
and ill still be here in my room not caring
not doing a single ******* thing that benefits me
i dont know where i am anymore
lost in my mind
completely lost

Get out of my head
Get out of my heart.
It's been 2 years
but I can't think of us apart.
The two of us
were never a we.
So why do I want you
to be with me?
On paper, we looked great
I thought we'd be perfect,
but our moment was ruined
we never really clicked.
I hope you maybe see this,
you'll know who you are.
Please don't forget me
my heart is always scarred.

Last night I smashed my phone

I don't know why I did it

And yet I hate myself for doing it

For the reason I did it

Because I know it was bad

My behaviour was unacceptable








Each time I see the smashed screen it makes me feel sick

I'm somewhere between heartache and agony,
Where your soul feels it's being crushed mercilessly
Yet, a raging anger
Burning its way through my body and melting my brain
Singing my insides;
Unable to think rationally

Trying to ignore you is like trying not to breathe
I can't help but look at your face,
And to tell myself this isn't real


10/30/19

I feel as though I’m just ‘here’
No reason, no mission.
I feel empty and alone,
I feel robbed and broken.
Like there is nothing left,
As cliche as that sounds it’s most fitting.
I feel as though I have no drive or motivation left in me.
I’ve turned into a dull, boring, lifeless being.

Never would I have imagined I’d be able to crumble so easy.
Never did I think I was so weak.
Never did I think I would allow a single entity to hold so much of my happiness.

That is mine. Not theirs.

Never did I think I’d be so dependable on someone.
Never would I imagine I’d be betrayed like that.

a long time ago,
my friend killed himself
because all of his friends were too far away.
I saw suicide as weak
cowardly
and selfish.
I'm a hypocrite,
and I also understand his reasoning.
because my friends are too far away too.
distance does not always strengthen the heart, does it,
my lost and gone friend?