very irritable
people ******* ****
i only have 2 friends that i can really put my faith in
i hate where i live because i feel like an outsider
if it werent for my band id be long gone from here
ive been stuck in my room for as long as i can remember
doing anything but moving forward with my life
and it feels good to get away from all the ******* around me
but because ive been hiding so long from all my friends and family
they don't know the mental adventures ive put myself through
and the person ive become because of it
and ive let others tell me who i am for so long that ive forgotten who i really am
and i know im a good person but i cant just sit here and let others take advantage of me
and everytime i lash out in a fit of rage i feel like I lose a little bit of who i am
or once was
or maybe that's just who i am
an angry and sad person
dealing with my own struggles i place upon myself
and im constantly ******* myself because i know i can be better and do things right
but i take the easy way out and ignore everything that stands in my way
because im tired of trying and getting nothing out of it
and im especially tired of trying to expect the best out of people when that never happens
so im settling on expecting the worst out of everybody
since thats what tends to happen most of the time
it makes sense
it makes sense to me at least
but when people ask me why i act the way i do i just tell them that's just how i am
because it's easier to attach myself to my problems than explain why they're there in the first place
because nobody really actually cares about the problems, they're all just curious
but when im told "hey man how are you doing" im obliged to say "fine" but really things arent ok
not im my mind
but i tell them things are ok just to make people have a sense that there aren't any problems
and if I were to actually bring up anything thats really on my mind
im just met with pseudotherapists and people with solutions who have words of encouragement and goodness
but all i hear is that im wrong
and im used to being wrong
and i try to explain myself to these curious people just to realize that i've already forgotten everything
i dont know why i'm like this
i dont know why these problems are here
im convinced that i dont even have any real problems
and that i've just tricked myself into being angry and upset constantly for no reason
and that just ****** me off even more
I dont know what's wrong with me and i feel helpless and worthless
but thank god for my 2 friends who accept me and endure the hell i think i put them through
i know im an insufferable person on the inside
but ive just gotten real good at filtering the negativity that comes out of my mouth
thinking that none of it matters
because it doesnt matter
none of my problems matter because confronting them goes nowhere but straight down to rock bottom
and i couldnt bear to invite my friends on for the ride
they mean too much to me
sometimes i think that i care about things too much and maybe thats my problem
but then i think that if i really did care about things too much
then id actually make a positive change for the things i care about
and instead i sit here and mope and complain about things out of my control
just to realize that i shouldnt care in the first place
and it all comes full circle
i shouldn't care at all in the first place
i shouldn't care about anything since nothing except for my 2 friends cares about me
im glad i have apathy and rage standing beside me at all times because when i come crashing down
at least i know what will be there to back me up
and once my body makes contact with the cold hard ground
i will have nothing left
and that in itself is a liberating feeling
to know that i have no more responsibility and nothing left to care about
there will be nothing that can turn around and completely subvert my expectations
nobody to make me feel hopeless
but im never gonna reach that point
ill never get that far because ive never gotten far in the first place
i should just stop caring entirely
and ill still be here in my room not caring
not doing a single ******* thing that benefits me
i dont know where i am anymore
lost in my mind
completely lost

My life resonates within the strings of A minor seventh
                                  A tone which gives me a purpose
                     And a chilling down my spine

As it echoes through my fingers
                          up my arms
                                           through my chest
                                                           ­  and into my heart
        
                                                I forget

At least, I really try to. It's been so long since I've touched a girl.
                                        I only remember
                                     how much I wanted
                         somebody to experience life with

           But
How can you experience life
               with somebody whose life has already been
                              completely changed by people you've
                                                         never met?
              
                                     Each string pulls me in closer and closer
                          to complete each set of moves just as I lean in
                     and kiss you, ever so slightly.

                                           And the burning of
                         sensitive flesh, just as if it were the first time,
                             marks the fully fleshed out chord that rings
                         between our heartstrings until only the memory
                      of such a beautiful sound
                                             is left and
                                                     never forgotten.

What if there was an alternate universe
where I would have known that
mistake would have been made
and avoided it?

What if there was an alternate universe
where I just didn't care at all
and that everything I am now
just never happened?

What if there was an alternate universe
where at every point in time
I was positioned
slightly to the left?

I'm a reject and i know this because
everybody has that one person or
one group of people that
just isn't the same without each other.

But I
have never found such people

I wander, hopelessly hopeful
of making some conversation,
but I never have anything to talk about
because I can never be a part of their
life long enough to have anything
meaningful to mention

I'm a reject and i know this because
people i know are usually easily picked
out of a crowd. They are never left behind.
They are included.

But I
always enter the chatter midway

I pick up bits and pieces as I
come and go, like a vulture
for gossip and for information
because I am always the one to message first
and I am always the one to be mentioned last.
I'm nobody's first pick.

I'm a reject and i know this because
I can't just have one selection of people
to choose from. I acquaint myself with
everybody I meet.

But I hate it because
I feel like nobody, and nobody knows me.

Except
                      for
                              ­        You

Sometimes i don't know what's worse...
The fact that she's gone
or the stupid reason why she left me

I don't want to see you anymore
because if being with me hurts you that badly,
then I don't want to see you hurt
because I love you.

And I will keep you in my sight,
and admire you from afar,
as you hold his cheek
and play with his hair
as you hardly did with me.