my tears look prettier
falling for you.

i’ve been shielding myself endlessly
for an inevitable end— that,
while i knew it was always coming,
eventually,
it doesn’t stop the reality of tomorrow
impaling me, breathless.

on one desperate hand,
i’m begging and wishing
for just one more day.
one more moment before you go.
the other hand holds gratitude.
five years with you was more than i could have ever dreamt.
life went up and down-
and sideways
in every which direction,
but you stood in the middle with me
and we held on to each other.

as the last five years dwindle
through a reel of memories
into our final moments,
i am filled with tears—
pouring from my eyes and from my heart.
love is pouring from my heart.
love for you,
for this lifetime we lived together.

you are my greatest love.
and our love story continues,
even as this chapter is closed.

i loved you,
i love you.
i've always loved you,
and i will always love you.
my brain doesn't know
how to let you go,
and my heart refuses.

i decided to leave you today,
i love you but i cannot stay.
does it count if you never came home?
i found a safe space in you, but reality says ive always been alone.
you’ve never been mine
in the time ive been yours.
throwing stones at myself
as i throw myself at you.
so i’m leaving you today,
you wont notice i’m gone until ive traveled too far away.
you wont care but i’m telling you anyway.
i love you but you never wanted me to stay.

-m lang

i told you my greatest fear,
and you made it come true.

does that say more about me,
or more about you?

- m lang

find me
withering,
grinning,
pretending.
ignoring that my world is ending.
sabotaging my sanity
rest assured there is no plan B.
i’m trying,
holding back the whining.
putting on my every day best
for that could be the very day i’m dying.

-m lang

authenticity. the overwhelming affection from my two tuxedo cats after coming from from a long day from work. my father's love. my mother's embrace. the way poetry makes me feel. my favorite childhood memories with my grandma. the magic my grandpa taught me to believe in as a child. "if you wear these slippers to bed, you'll fly in your dreams." the nostalgia from an old ticket stub. (you loved me then.) trust. the beautiful people i stumbled upon in life that i now call best friends. the ride or die love i give to my friends, and receive from my friends. love. tender love. the kind of love that consumes me, driving me to the point of madness. intuition. heartbreak; a loss that imprints itself into my soul so deeply that it changes the way the world spins around me. kindness. (the authentic kind.) self-awareness. the gentle wear from a well-loved book. co-workers that make those long work days seem shorter. the sun's rays that feed my soul, and my plants. the smell of a rainy morning. the warmth radiating as our bodies intertwine. addiction. irresistible desire. recovery. the feeling of sand between my toes. (the part of me that didn’t die was filled with love.) interrupted silence of the mind. euphoria in a dream like state. the miracle of human experience.

- m lang