Part of me wants to scream these words from a high place and hear then echo back; "I'm sorry!"

I'd pretend every person from my past was shouting it back to me and maybe then I'd actually be able to let it all go.

I could stand up straight and look others in the eye without having to wonder about their every lie.

I'd never have to hear my sister tell me I need to forgive again. I could say to her face
"I already have"

That would make me feel so happy and full, to know she can no longer say to herself "my sister is a fool."

I don't know if I deserve to be sad that you died
It feels like I didn't earn it
Like if I'm sad I'm pretending for attention
I don't know if we were close enough
I don't think I texted you back enough
or respected you enough

After so many years of resentment I don't know if I get to love you
It doesn't feel like my loss.
It feels like my siblings lost their dad
And my mom lost her husband
And I'm so sad for my family
but it doesn't feel like my father died.

Everyone tells me that you were a good person
And I believe them
But I don't think I thought so when you were still here
And now we share the same sins
It's the first thing we've had in common

When I was writing your eulogy it felt like I was writing a paper
It was like I was writing it for someone else
Someone who knew their dad
Someone who liked their dad
Someone who was liked by their dad.

The only thing we understood about each other was the bad parts
Because we recognized them.
And neither of us liked either of us.
If you were such a bad person I think I am too
The passive aggressiveness
The drinking to be likeable
The sneakiness
The lust
The pride
My personality is like mom's but my vices are from you.

I don't think we were so distant because we didn't understand each other
I think we disliked each other because we understood each other perfectly.