Scenting your perfume
on another man was
like hearing your voice
in the dark but never
reaching your touch

You hold my hips as we listen to Kaskade
I'm never going to know the exact name of the song, darling
I rest my head on your shoulder
Exactly 72 hours or more after we met
Smiling serenely at each other, trance-like
Our bodies swaying to some invisible beat residing in our heads

We never do watch that Minions movie in Dunellen
We do eat cold leftovers of Chinese takeout
Retrieve them from the mini fridge in the hotel room
Congealed chicken and broccoli and your beef dish
We eat cold slices of Margarita pizza from the first night
Shared an Italian dessert with two spoons and one glass and thought nothing of it
Talked of your ex as if you'd driven out to see me for months instead of just that one time
Smell **** in the hotel hallway when we come back from our escapades
Joke that maybe we could ask the other patrons two rooms down for “a sample.”

The room becomes a home
We domesticate ourselves
Trap our secrets and nightly admissions in the thin walls
Share a toothbrush
I model for you in your old boxers
You grip my hips and kiss tortured minds out of our systems
On the first night, you fumble for me in the darkness
We had *** hours before
I'd only had one pair of clothing
I was high on hypomania
You were lonely and desperate and enamored with the idea of me
I heard your voice in the pitch black of the room
Disembodied, floating, pining

“Taylor...? Are you awake?”
“Yes,” I answer back, stifling a yawn
Demons crawled along the surface of your bronze skin
I could feel them too
They were always there, slinking into the corners of every room
Perching on the windowsill, furtively glancing at us
Unseen, invisible, unknown, silent stalkers

You ask me about loneliness
You speak about your worries for an “us” not even a week
After your Facebook friend request
“I don't know if we'll work out in a relationship,” you say
I watch you with my large brown eyes, inquisitive
Bite my lip, taste the salt of you on my bottom one
Taste your skin and spit on me

Hours before you'd clasped my leg, it, laying on your shoulder
You pounding, feral, all wild animal, sweat on your brow
Grunting quietly, watching me, looking at nothing and everything at once
You **** me until I'm completely dry and sore
Lament that you want to be inside me still, that it *****
I think, oh how it does
We took off our glasses to blindly ***** at each other in the darkness
You'd said you liked how it sharpened the senses
I was a repeating rainstorm, endless, Summer showers in the bedroom
Hot, sticky, palpable
You taste saltwater, briny, sea, inside of me

“I don't know if we'll work out together
When we do go back and if we do end up together
It'll be disastrous,” you fortune-tell
I bite my tongue, taste salt and pennies in my mouth
I swallow it down wordlessly
Hours later, you're back in PA
I message you on Facebook, my heart in my mouth
I want to ***** with the amount of anxiety,
Tremulous in my fingers, humming in my blood
Throbbing, alive, achingly


“I don't intend to fall for people usually...
But I've fallen for you
I don't think I can keep talking to you like this
I'm usually scared of falling for people,” I write
You reply without any trepidation
Some strange confidence and Siren call beckoning you
Some spellbound hook curling around your fingers
“I'm emotionally invested in you too
Look, I understand
But I enjoyed my time with you
Let's at least be friends
It's not easy for me to shake someone off.”

Two months later you tell me, after messaging me at 10am
To see how I was doing
That when your room mate was wildly ******* his girlfriend you thought of me
“Most days I think of you.
You're in my daydreams
I come home and I wish you were here
That I could come home from work and you'd be there waiting for me.”

I try to scratch you out of my head, now
It hurts too much
I told you I was in love, I tried to deny it but now it's more apparent
I message you and get silence in response
Talk to someone else
Have ******* with another man
Purge it out of my system
Stick my fingers in the back of my throat
Try to puke. Nothing. Dry heave.
Encourage him to see me and then I encourage him not to
I lose about five pounds

I think about you and your stupid dog and cat
I think about you and the daydreams
I think about you and other women
How you'd **** them
How you'd take them out to dinner and hold their hands
Rub their fingers with your thumb
How you might be

Your hands
Your soft breath
The bright gleaming eyes
That strong German jawline
That fleeting mood,
Upswing and downswing
Your insistent arrogance
The hot tongue on my hardened ******
You suckling
Dark heat emanating from your wet and warm mouth
******* me on the couch
Clasping to each other
Burying our heads in each others' necks
Slow rocking back and forth
Rhythmic
Our shirts still on, your jeans half-way pulled down
You entering in such haste and hunger
The board game forgotten on the table
Laughter muffled by your feverishly kissing me
Did you love...? Did you?

I think about the physicality
But then I think of the late night conversations I'll never get back
Your sleepy “hello” at 1 in the morning
Philosophical musings I never tell my friends that we had
Us, talking about literally nothing in the beginning
The lingerie site we subscribed to
Looking through catalogs of what you'd see me in
You saying you could buy me something to model for you
The *** chairs we looked at, furniture to purchase
Odd daydreams of a coupling that almost-was but never-was

I think about you holding me even though you're so unused to it
The smell of baking banana bread
That inner battle in your head when you saw me the second time
That sadness
That loneliness
Your... “don't forget to come back.”
Cologne on your medical scrubs
How I didn't want to let go
How I wanted to stay
God, how I wanted to stay and just do better
The kiss and then...I wonder if there was a lie in your mouth
No, I don't think so
Was it my fault to fall?
No, I don't think so
Was it yours?
No...I don't think--

i will write at length
about the brief time
we spent together

it's nothing now but a
lingering scent
of the cologne I used to wear
as a child, running wild
with my only friend
in some Catholic school...

The key does not fit
And the lock does not open
For this place I called home
Is no longer my own

Will they know the feeling
As they gaze from
The second floor window
"This draft gives me goosebumps
As the rain dribbles down the glass
And the dog is howling
As it thunders over the veranda
But it can't touch me
I am safe
I am home"

The season has changed
And you've moved away
Now the rain's pouring
And I don't feel safe

You are my angel,
My hope.
For, you pulled a sword from my soul,
And used it to rid me of danger.
You walked with me,
Held me high.
Helped disperse the pain,
The sadness,
The tempting thoughts in my mind.
But you were not done with me yet.
It became clear to me there was no danger.
That you rid me of “danger” so that you could leave me with nobody—
With nothing.
You weren't walking with me.
You were dragging me along.
Waiting for the opportune moment to find a better man,
Take away my life, my hope,
My angel.
And you were my angel.
For, you pulled a sword from my soul.
But all you did was insert it back where you found it,
Left no trace as if you never existed,
And expect me to be whole.
While in reality, you left me nothing but empty, confused,
Alone.

There once was a time…
where I believed in believing.
In trusting, in knowing,
In honest receiving.

A time where families were families,
Bonded by the heart
And not just a house of separate entities…
Strangers, apart.

Where mothers were always right and could do no wrong,
Raising their young ones to be different, to be headstrong.

They taught their children the song
The song of a happy life.
One filled with morals and lessons
The cure for misery and strife.

Where fathers went to work and provided for their home,
Protecting their daughters from the monsters that may roam…
In the shadows of the sanguine, soliciting streets,
Or intertwined amongst the sneaky, perverse sheets.

A time where a hug and a kiss was enough
To encourage a child who was different, maybe not tough


A time where grandmothers were old,
Face ridden with wrinkles, creases and folds.
Telling and retelling textured tales of histories untold.

A time where people prayed and believed in God
Reverenced His name
In His temple were awed.

Where people were saved and miracles were seen,
The unclean were made clean,
The sick healed, no vaccine.

I believed in trusting and that if it was said, it was true
That no matter what happened, you would come through.
Loyalty was like royalty.
A pinky promise stuck like glue
Your honest word, at that time, is what made you YOU.

Oh, I did not forget –honest receiving-the last tidbit…
Where I could give you a compliment, a gift,
You voice your appreciation, and that’s it.

No hidden agendas, no ulterior motives
No “quid pro quo”…
…No “I didn’t even know”

To end as I began, there once was a time…
But those times are no more.
We are now in a time where working is too much,
Stealing and scamming from other people and such…

Now,  it’s easier and more attractive to be a *****.
Because being independent and righteous is too much of a chore.

Where being Black is a crime
Innocent people are in jail doing time.

Mothers are still daughters,
literally.
Males and females after their own kind – homosexuality.

Fathers are not present, and their sons grow to resent
Their mothers and selves as if they are at fault for these unpleasant events
.
Rumor has it, only the strong and the wise men survive,
Off the power of these type of memories,
That are prayed and relayed in efforts to be kept alive.

No one knows exactly what is to come next,
Life is surprising, confusing, and VERY complex.
But im hoping that a time will come again
Where it is common to love, to be a friend.
Where right is right, wrong is wrong.
Where we can all stand together, united…
And strong.